to Sometimes get fed up being the pivotal person in my house?

[ChaosTrulyReigns]

Had a bit of a melt - down today, for many reasons.

I know that there really is no escape, but I seem to be the one who:

reminds,
decides,
repeats,
Is asked what/where/wgen/who/how,
and so on.

Does anyone else get fed up with nothing seeming to happen unless they provides the encouragement or urging or reminding or deciding to get it done?

omg have you been living my life?

yes I am totally fed up of it too and wander how they would all manage without me.

Welcome to the patriarchy.

Now - what are you all going to do about it?

YANBU.

Draining.

YANBU

I've been quite ill and though DH runs around like a maniac shopping, cooking faffing, the whole house, paperwork and organisation have gone to buggery. Anyone would think I had special powers. I don't

I asked my DP to make dinner for my DD once when my work arrangements meant that two nights a week I'd finish work at 4, then need to be back there by 6pm, whilst he was unemployed and not studying. I got home at about 10.30 to a proud "I cooked for us both", which was nice initially I suppose, until I noticed that it was the favourite prawns and washing up left on the side. The most expensive food item in the house consumed by them both, with nothing else to bulk out the meal so they'd cooked and eaten them all. And then I had to make myself my own dinner anyway. I haven't asked since, and he hasn't ever offered. I remember the days when I wanted to marry DP fondly, now I cba - it'd be like formally adopting another child.

When you're in the position where if you don't do everything, it doesn't get done, it is incredibly tiresome and wearing. OP, do you get a chance for a break ever? My mum (would that be DGM darling grandma in mn parlance?) takes my DD on holiday or for some time in the holiday every year so I always know when things are getting difficult that there is some respite coming up, which helps, knowing a break is coming.

I can remember standing in the middle of the kitchen and saying to all the other members of the household

"Show me somewhere, anywhere where it says that the Mother has to do and know everything."

Whatever you want.
Up to you.
Your decision.
I dunno (that one pisses him off because he knows I know what I want)

We berate them so many times when they get it wrong (because they don't fucking listen when they first ask and we give them all the details ffs). They now ask step by step instead of trying to retain full set of complex instructions.

If it weren't for the complex job he does (in a subject I'm weak in) and the sophisticated instructions and rules he can follow and retain when playing online games - mine would almost have me convinced.

Where is my Oyster card/PE kit/clean shirt/keys/favourite cup/homework/laptop/charger/phone?

I don't know. Wherever you left it last.

I've looked. It isn't there

Well, someone must have broken into the house and stolen that one specific item then.

But I can't fiiiinnnnd it.

Ok. So it's gone.

But what shall I doooooo?

I don't know.

I must have that same conversation 18 times a day with DCs and DH.
Why would i know where your stuff is if you don't know?

I have a fucking checklist for the DCs to complete every night. They are 10, 14 and 15 FFS.
I do not answer requests for clean shirts, PE kits, Oyster cards, lunch, keys, phones 10 minutes before they have to leave the house. I laugh.

If you cannot find your football boots or shin pads or whatever else, you can't go.
But they still fucking well ask me.

Me, DH and the 2 teenagers have iPhones so our calendars and reminders are connected. Does anyone take any notice? No.
You have a dentist appointment/football training/a match/ finish school late/any activity you can think of in an hour.

Do I? I didn't know.

Yes you did. The reminder just went off on your phone. And I know it did because it just went off on my phone

Oh OP, YANBU. The one that really pisses me off at the moment is when I get in from work late, get home and see most of my family sitting on the sofa waiting for me to decide what to eat. These are functioning adults who can all survive on their own, but apparently lose the capability to look in the fridge and throw a few things together in my house.

Grrrrrr!

I totally sympathise - it drives me nuts too. My OH is so bad he even constantly asks me what the weather is like when he knows I haven't been out and we are in the same room. He's rather that I look out the window and then tell him than him going to the huge effort of looking out the window himself!!!! Aaaaaagh!

I think the only way it can work is to have complete division of roles. If I try to share tasks with DH I end up being the mum of that task (this comes from a memorable fight we had years ago where I ending up yelling I AM NOT THE MUM OF BEDTIME after he stayed up til 2am and then complained to me I hadn't told him to go to bed).

So I do all the cooking and housework. I could order a takeaway every night and leave everything to the cleaner (I don't do this, but it's my area so I'm the king of it) He does all the appointments. I don't ever answer the phone or take messages and I don't even have a calendar - he gives me my appts for the day and books transport and so on and I have nothing to do with it. He does broadband and utilities; I do insurance and banking. He does birthdays; I do Christmas. Etc. And we never get involved in the other side. If it doesn't get done; it doesn't get done.

I'm happier now. I respect him more. It's better.

Some of your posts have made me giggle!

Another thing dh does is he only thinks about cooking meals once he is actually hungry which is very rarely. No cooking in advance!

I cannot stand disorganisation and am a bit of a control freak. I would not last five mins by standing back and waiting for dh to hold the fort.

I am on ML so naturally do housework,paperwork, online food shop. However,even when working I am the one who keeps things ticking over.

I've always wanted to post this but thought I'd be told to ring women's aid dh is a fantastic husband and father and will do anything AS LONG AS HE IS DIRECTED.

One time it stands out for me is holidays. I book them and pack for the kids and get currency etc. he will pack a small backpack for him self the night before.
He offered to pack for the dds but I can imagine them having eighteen tops and one pair of shorts so I decline.

Then when we are away, I seem to do all the organising eg pack the swimming bags and unpack them, hang towels to dry, wake up and get ready for grips out etc, I swear if I did nothing we'd sit in our tent or hotel room all day.

We did a few all inclusive a too. Never again. I got so sick of trying to motivate three other people to get to the restaurant by a certain time or we couldn't eat.

Dh says I'm a control freak who needs to chill out but then does nothing to prove that I can.

Grrr

Oh I'm so with you all here! My DC are 4 and 2 so too young to think for themselves.

I don't know what DHs excuse is!! He used to be perfectly capable until the DC arrived.

I have way too many examples sadly. It's depressing really. He has lately started leaving all his dirty clothes on the floor of the walk in wardrobe. Even 4 yo DD and 2yo DS put their stuff in the laundry basket. And DD can seperate whites and darks into the correct basket. Why does a 45 yo man struggle!?

When challenged I get a non committal grunt!

I don't know how perfectly competent adults end up like this. DHs mother is just the same. I'll leave DSs dinner in the fridge in a luminous yellow box at the front and still she can't find it. If I leave fresh pasta (the ravioli type you just boil for 3 min) I get a panicked phone call "what do I do with this ?". Reading the bloody packet would be a good start.

DH is just the same. He'll ask me how long to cook a pizza for while he's holding the packet. And I'm in a different room and can't see the fecking packet.

Part of the problem is complete lack of foresight. He won't grasp that waiting til DS is hungry to cook a meal that takes 30min is a recipe for disaster and a screaming toddler. Or that if we keep leaving everything til tomorrow it means having twice as much to do tomorrow instead of the little and often that keeps us in too of it all.

He is capable of doing stuff but spends a good half an hour procrastinating and dithering about before anything productive happens instead of just getting on with it. Why he can't just get on with it I don't know.

I got up at 6 today. I got Dd's clothes and breakfast ready and her glasses brush and tooth brush. I wrote in her school book.and I cleaned kitchen and made a chicken casserole to go in slow cooker for dinner. Then got self ready for work.

I then asked DH to turn on slow cooker before he left for work. .

He said " can you leave a note on door to remind me"

Aaargh

I should have spotted the warning signs 25 years ago, when after having driven 5 hrs to meet him for the weekend (me in Worcester, him in Durham, me with a car and him too tight to buy one, so I was the one that always had to travel) he asked if I was hungry and would I like some soup? It was 10pm and I was starving. He handed me a tin of soup and a can opener.

aaaggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh. single parent has to do it, though I must say it is less annoying than when he was here and would not do it. he comes to see the children at the weekend and I still have to tell him what to do. but at least I get to sit down whilst directing.

I can point him at a ocmputer though and say organise a new phone/fridge/computer/braodband connection and it will happen.

DS1 was looking for something to eat the other day and I said I had got some of his special ice cream (allergies) and it was in the bottom drawer of the freezer. He couldn't find it. I refused to get up and look for it as I knew it was there.

Dh gets up and goes into the kitchen. DH confirms that it isn't there.

I finally give in and go into the kitchen. The ice cream is not in the bottom drawer. But it has been put (by DD!) in the drawer directly above, right by the drawer edge so you can see it through the translucent drawer.

Me: Rant, rave

DH: Well you SAID it was in the bottom drawer!

May I add being the family memory to this rant?

I am expected to magically know when things happen, what has to happen, do all the laundry, food shopping, cooking, homework, housework and remember every tiny aspect of our lives. If I ask DH if he has done something, he sighs and says "what was I supposed to do? Just tell me, I can't remember."

Apparently my memory is better. I say this is because it gets used so damn much and if others in my family tried, theirs would be equally good.

Chaos, I feel your pain. I have also been in tears at the prospect of having to decide what kind of takeaway to get because it is yet another decision to be made.

See, I think this is where the problem starts - "I'm on ML so naturally do housework, paperwork, online food shop..." Why naturally? Does having a baby mean your partner suddenly gains a new mum of his own? ML is for looking after the baby, not the house or the husband. In fact, particularly with first babies, it seems mad to expect a new mother to adjust to motherhood and care for a small baby while essentially making the man's life easier by taking over the running of his life. This notion that becoming a mum means you now have a duty to run the whole home makes no sense. Why even have a partner if they're just a burden?

I was having a strop about this only yesterday. Mine is an adult/late teen household yet still I'm the one who does all the 'extra' jobs - the bill administration although we have a joint account, the banking, cleaning the oven and dishwasher, changing the curtains, decides on what needs to be bought/cooked for dinner, even having to constantly ask and remind them all to share household chores.

It all came to a head when someone complained that we'd run out of milk and that I had neither reminded them to get it nor bought more myself. I pointed out that I'm not the only one who could see the milk was running out, not the only one with the means to buy it, not the only one with legs, not the only one who knows where the shop is but I am the only one who doesn't drink the dorkdingoing stuff! It didn't go down well and I stood there thinking, "WTF?! Remind them to go and buy milk? Why do I need to do this?".

I have to ask, OP, since no-one else has already (I think), Does "Chaos Truly Reign" when you down tools.

DH is ok, apart from scheduling clashes because he CBA to put his imoveable dates for work and stuff on the calendar. I am quite good at remaining calm when he has some thing "important" coming up and I'm working and not able to do the childcare. I do say, "oh what do you think you'll do?" It's amazing that some stuff isn't so important after all.

This is also true in our house: www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/praise-for-casserole-enters-third-exhausting-day-2014022183883