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AIBU?

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Original poster

to Sometimes get fed up being the pivotal person in my house?

542 replies

ChaosTrulyReigns · 03/03/2014 20:11

Had a bit of a melt - down today, for many reasons. Sad

I know that there really is no escape, but I seem to be the one who:

reminds,
decides,
repeats,
Is asked what/where/wgen/who/how,
and so on.

Does anyone else get fed up with nothing seeming to happen unless they provides the encouragement or urging or reminding or deciding to get it done?

OP posts:
mrsjay · 04/03/2014 10:05

MY moans seem trivial compared to some on this thread it is really a sad read, not allowed to be ill husband wanting praise Sad

insomniarules · 04/03/2014 10:10

I completely understand Chaos.
I'm fed up being in charge all if the time.
My DH asks me about everything and seems incapable of making a decision alone. It's made me lose a lot of respect for him...

chipshop · 04/03/2014 10:11

DP won't do anything unless I email him a jobs list. If I ask him to do anything he says 'email me a list'.And he'll often say 'that wasn't on the list' triumphantly.

He's also always 'completely snowed under' at work, always a flight to catch, always 'up to my tiny eyes' but if I try to discuss something on a rare day off he's 'trying to have one day, just one day, to relax'.

And don't speak to me about the need for praise!

comicsansisevil · 04/03/2014 10:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oldwomaninashoe · 04/03/2014 10:13

It annoys me that I have to organise our holidays, pack etc make arrangements for the pets etc then when we get there I am expected to decide where we are going/ what we are doing every day.

Binkyridesagain · 04/03/2014 10:17

Me: Dh what would you like for tea?, I've decided all week and I'm fed up of picking things, so what do you fancy?

DH: I don't know what do you fancy?

Bangs head!

ElleMcFearsome · 04/03/2014 10:17

chipshop YES! The emailing. DH says, if I'm asking/reminding/enquiring about something, even if we're in the Same Damn Room, "could you just email that to me..." It gives me the rage.

About 18 months ago I had had enough (multiple reasons) and I went to stay with my DPs for 4 days leaving DH and DDs (then 17 and 14). Got home to an immaculate house full of shuffly feet people saying "we didn't realise you did so much!" But like PPs have said, memory fades and they go back to me having to think about it all again. The thinking about it all, the juggling of 1000s of balls, I think, is worse than the actual doing of it.

When we go to bed at night, I'm always awake for about half an hour longer than DH whilst I try to turn off the 'have I done this, what's happening tomorrow, I need to buy that' internal monologue Sad

Bramshott · 04/03/2014 10:20

Does anyone ever really have it equal when it comes to the mind-space for domestic stuff though?? DH and I share household stuff fairly equally I would say - shopping, cooking, meal-planning, DIY jobs, finance stuff.

However, I often feel exhausted because I constantly have three people's to do lists in my head (mine and 2 x primary age DDs). If it was left to DH, I don't think reading, music practise, homework etc would ever get done, let alone responding to letters from school, buying party presents etc. But then I work fewer hours than him, partly at least, so that I can do this stuff, so I guess that makes it fair (if no less exhausting!). The is just SO MUCH bloody admin to do for two small girls in primary school - I'm sure DH has no idea!!

Tex111 · 04/03/2014 10:24

DH has actually said 'It's just so much easier if you do everything.'

ElleMcFearsome · 04/03/2014 10:31

Tex what would happen if you simply said, 'It would be so much easier for me if you did everything?'

TantrumsAndBalloons · 04/03/2014 10:35

BRamshot I would say my Dh does more of the household stuff, and school pick ups than I do, due to his working hours. Which is great. But he does a miniscule amount of actual thinking, thats what drives me mad.

mrsjay · 04/03/2014 10:37

I think it is the drudgery of remembering andthinking and sorting that gets to us well does to me sometimes it is soul destroying, same thing day in day out

Bramshott · 04/03/2014 10:40

Yes it's the thinking and planning which is exhausting isn't it. My mind is a constant whirl of "has DD2 learned her spellings?; what time does DD1 need collecting from recorder club?; do we have the party bag stuff for DD2's party?; when does the next installment for DD1's residential need to be in?" etc....

When DH said recently "why is it always me who has to research, plan and book the holidays" I wish I had thought to reply "because my brain is just FULL of all this stuff (see above), all the time"!

baconfrazzles · 04/03/2014 10:44

I was getting pissed off about the very same thing this morning!

DH doesn't do his share at the best of times, but whenever I'm between jobs (I work freelance, from home) he just stops doing everything. He won't even pick up his own crisp packets or his dirty cups.

Then there is the 'thinking for everybody' too. I'd love to never have to worry about whether the school uniforms are clean, whether there is stuff in for packed lunches, and about what to have for tea, and just expect another mug person to do it. If I don't think about those things then they don't and won't get done! The few times I've not mentioned the kids bedtimes they are still running around at 10 at night on a school night as DH forgets to put them to bed. He also constantly asks me what time activities finish if he has to pick the DCs up from anything, even though it's the same bloody time every single week.

DH also expects me to drop anything and everything to help him look for things that he's lost. When I point out that he's lost it as he just left it laying around in the first place he gets very arsy.

baconfrazzles · 04/03/2014 10:50

The other thing, which really irks me, is that my DH gets really annoyed if asked to get anything from the shop, when he's going there, and makes a big deal of making me write a list and saying "What is it you want from the shop again?'

Oh yes, because I really drink a 4 pint bottle of milk by myself, and eat a whole loaf of bread myself and a whole punnet of grapes too Hmm

He thinks that anything that he does do is a huge favour for me.

He also once got stroppy for having to take the kids to the dentist as I was working and when he got home went on and on about me owing him a favour. I asked why taking his children to the dentist was a favour to me. Apparently it was a favour because I have always taken them in the past so have made it my job!

BellaVita · 04/03/2014 10:52

I said to DH the other day I feel more like his mother than his wife. Constantly asking him to do things. I left on purpose recycling stuff on the shower room windowsill. The pile grew and grew. In the end I asked him to being it down and put it into the recycling box. He said to me "what stuff on the windowsill?" It took a further day of reminding him before he did it. He then wonders why I get cross. He said just tell me what needs doing around the house and I will do it Angry, we have been married 27 fucking years, if you do not know what my routine is by now then you never will.

mrsjay · 04/03/2014 10:52

my husband said once and once only he was BABYSITTING HIS BABY i think i tore strips off him he never said it again

cardamomginger · 04/03/2014 10:53

Thanks Cailin Sad. Not wanting to derail or hijack, but I feel I just get treated with contempt, and that he considers me an annoyance. My opinion and preferences (certainly when it comes to 'important' stuff) count for nothing.

There's a few things I need to get through in RL before I can bear to post in Relationships and start thinking about putting in motion what I might need to. I've told a couple of RL friends what's been happening. Neither are surprised, and both are supportive.

baconfrazzles · 04/03/2014 10:54

Another cracker from my DH: "You shouldn't use me as free childcare just because I'm at home".

This was because I expected him to look after HIS children when he had a day off work because I had to complete a last-minute job with a tight deadline.

He seriously expected me to have the kids climbing all over me whilst working, whilst he sat downstairs watching tv!

LisaMed · 04/03/2014 10:57

DH is okay but ds, who is seven, is another matter.

'Mum, I want something to eat.'
'What do you want?'
'I'm too tired and hungry to decide...'
'I AM NOT DOING YOUR THINKING FOR YOU!'
'I AM GOING TO STARVE AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!'

Rinse and repeat with variations. He's getting a bit better.

Bonsoir · 04/03/2014 10:58

No, YANBU OP!!!

CailinDana · 04/03/2014 11:03

Jesus bacon. How did that pan out?

baconfrazzles · 04/03/2014 11:05

Lets just say he only said it the once, Cailindana. I went mad at him about it. It took him a long time to 'get' why I was so cross but he hasn't said it since.

tinypumpkin · 04/03/2014 11:07

It is so the thinking isn't it. That's what I can't get DH to see. The responsibility, it weighs me down. Having to remind him to actually ring people. FFS, I do that all the time. No one reminds me. If was just for him I would not bother but it is for something that needs to be sorted asap for the children. I am not doing it (and repeat, I will not give in!)

CailinDana · 04/03/2014 11:07

When you think about it, it such a weird attitude really isn't it? The idea that he "provides childcare" for your children?

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