to Sometimes get fed up being the pivotal person in my house?

[ChaosTrulyReigns]

Had a bit of a melt - down today, for many reasons.

I know that there really is no escape, but I seem to be the one who:

reminds,
decides,
repeats,
Is asked what/where/wgen/who/how,
and so on.

Does anyone else get fed up with nothing seeming to happen unless they provides the encouragement or urging or reminding or deciding to get it done?

Interesting thread. One thought - do any of you tell your partners when you have done the small houseworky jobs that keep the show on the road? Randomly saying "Oh DH, I've unloaded the dishwasher, paid x bill and done a load of washing". "I've ordered the week's groceries". "I've tidied up the living room and filed that paperwork".

Chances are, this will be met with bafflement if they are used to you just getting on with it. However, pointing out just how much you do (before you explode) may make you feel a whole lot better. I meet a psychologist once a week (for reasons that I won't go into) and one of the things we've talked about is "invisible jobs".

Sorry ancories not sure I get your point. I work in child protection so am well aware that the most dangerous place for a child is at home with his parents.

But I thought we were talking here about ostensibly 'normal' functioning men who can hold down a job but cannot show one ounce of understanding or initiative on the home front. And this can have awful consequences.

Nor do I accept these are 'invisible' jobs. Not unless you are telling me these men really believe in the laundry fairies.

I still think they know damn well what their partners do - and they don't want anything to do with it, because they are lazy selfish misogynists.

It is sad and alarming to me just how many women want to make excuses for them.

Fortunately my dh has acknowledged that I do all the responsible in the background stuff - mainly financial, household bills, car running etc. He very much only does the in your face stuff - literally put on loads of washing when it's pouring out onto the floor, whereas I would be keeping an eye on the weather and be planning the best time to do the next load. Will do the food shop but not meal plan - that type of thing, but as he does the cooking that's not my problem grits teeth

Spero - I agree. They refuse to even acknowledge how much work goes into running a house and raising pre-schoolers in terms of physical time consuming work if their partner is SAHM. Let alone the mind space it all takes!!! They often have this attitude that it's easy and the SAHM is getting a much better deal out of the arrangement.

As someone who was a non-working SAHM for 6 years with young dc and then worked full time and dh changed to school hours only I can honestly say I have the better deal! So much less stressful and faffy. Get up, get ready, arrive at work, then arrive home to a meal on the table most evenings - bliss!

My life has been sooooo much better since I got an au pair. I pay someone to help with cleaning, shopping and cooking, she plays with my daughter...

I know how hard it can be so I pay her AND I express my gratitude and I do all I can to help out.

Basically anyone who works needs a 'wife' at home otherwise your life is just a constant round of working, cleaning, shopping etc or you pay masses to outsource this work.

So all these men who not only refuse to help but cause MORE work and stress by faking ineptitude, I really hope your wives wake up and walk out.

Spero - Yes! Absolutely yes!

Like those men who claim they NEVER hear the dc during the night. Once I'd stopped bf dh got up to them more than me, sure it took a nudge to wake him (deep sleeper) but he got up and dealt with whatever.

Aliama - I just had to say YOU ARE BEING FAIR to be annoyed with your lazy arsed husband.

And have you got the pram wheels??

Personally I taught my husband from the off, by having a 3 day break [going to my mothers or elsewhere by myself] every 9 months or so. And leaving him to it with the young children.
Partners or husbands soon realise that if they dont do the dishes, sweep the floor etc, that it all builds up quickly. And they dont forget how much work is involved in running a house with small children in it. And all the little jobs like nursery and school letters.

But how depressing that you have to 'teach' a grown man that there are no laundry, shopping or cleaning fairies! How did they manage to reach adulthood being so ignorant and incapable?

At least threads like this cheer me up - I used to be upset I didn't have that 'special someone' to share my life but now I feel like I dodged a fucking massive bullet.

But once you have taught them, in cases like mine, it is done.
30 years of bliss!. Slightly joking there, but most of us live a lot longer than we used to. I like to look at life long term.

I guess I had just hoped for a partnership - not being someone's 'teacher'.

Don't think I could be arsed to sign up for that now. I simply could not respect someone so lacking in basic life skills.

Well I met my dh before he reached adulthood and we moved in together I had to teach him how to do housework, because his mum never did.

I suppose I WOILD mind if I had to teach someone now in my forties though, agree on this!

Incidentally, dh had been totally spoilt by his mum, who would still happily do anything to avoid any minor inconvenience for him.
Luckily he realised a long time ago thst I'm not anyone's maid/cook/pa and while I do most of the domestic stuff, he never takes for granted and does pull his weight when he's at home.

You have to be careful though that you and the children are not leaving merely becuase he wont put his pants in the laundry basket. It is a balance, yes.

but no one is talking about a man who 'wont put his pants in the laundry basket.'

^

that is minimising. and very far away from what posters are describing.

women spending their lives as unpaid housekeepers and treated like second class citizens in their own homes.

some lives.

I agree. The minimisation and excuses are interesting. Shows how conditioned some women have become, made to feel it is THEIR fault for being unreasonable and demanding.

A man who can put his dirty pants in a basket? Or remember his child needs some milk for breakfast?

Come on ladies, you can't expect their big important man brains to be polluted by such trivialities.

Of course you teach your DP/DH stuff, just as you should expect to learn things from him. How boring to enter a relationship thinking that neither of you were going to develop from the interaction.

Just to balance things not all men are lie this. My father wasn't. My children's father wasn't. Is the key that both those men had graduated and run their own home before they married so they were as likely to be good at housework and systems and bill paying as their wives were - in fact better?

My daughter's husband does more than she does at home too (her hours are longer). So there are 3 generations in our family alone where women have not had to tolerate what so many seem to have to put up with on this thread.

I would love someone to teach me about the work of an artist or poet they loved, to teach me to enjoy a foreign country they visited, to open my eyes to new ways of seeing the world etc, etc.

But no functioning adult should expect to be led by the hand and shown step by step how to wipe the bloody floor or to understand that you need to buy the milk before the shops shut.

How unutterably tedious must those kind of relationships be.

Laura - that's good to know. Threads like these always give me the horrors, not so much from the staggering laziness and selfishness of the men described BUT also the continued excuses or denial offered by the women.

Spero - and are you so utterly fabulous in every domestic way that there is nothing more you could possibly achieve and you are only deserving of a man who is going to develop your intellectual and artistic sphere?

I appreciate that YouAre. I was just using it as an example. I always post bearing in mind lurkers as well as posters on a board.
Over on netmums, they print how many lurkers and how many posters. Lurkers are normally about 30x the amount of posters.
Roughly for any one post, there are 30 lurkers.

Agree with Bonsior's post. Marriage is a partnership. The two people bring different things to the table. Each learns from the other. I find that part of a marriage interesting and fascinating.

Spero. On my part at least, it is neither excuses or denials, or minimising or anything else.
I like to work round problems if possible, rather than throw my hands up in horror at them.

Or work through problems if they are able to work through.

Defintely agree though, that is best and ideal if 2 people have this discussion before one of them at least has got their love goggles on. Once love goggles are on[and this can happen remarkably fast in some relationships, even eg 2 weeks after meeting], a person starts to get remarkably clouded in judgement imo.

Interesting responses. No where have I claimed utter fabulosity in matters domestics and I thought I had made it quite clear I tried for many years to 'change' my cockwomble. I didn't simply throw my hands up in horror. But I did waste about five years of my 30s I will never get back.

I am not a domestic goddess. BUT I am willing to learn. I show gratitude. And I would NEVER jeopardise my child's welfare by refusing to buy her food or leaving kitchen floor in dangerous state etc, etc.

Interesting to see how the minimisation train rumbles on to denial junction.

Where is the denial?

I notice with your postso nthis thread, that you are very good with the English language, and manage yourself to move goalposts if a discussion is not going in quite the direction you want it too[and manage to hoodwink most, in the process].

Admittedly, you do own up to some stuff too though.