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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to Sometimes get fed up being the pivotal person in my house?

542 replies

ChaosTrulyReigns · 03/03/2014 20:11

Had a bit of a melt - down today, for many reasons. Sad

I know that there really is no escape, but I seem to be the one who:

reminds,
decides,
repeats,
Is asked what/where/wgen/who/how,
and so on.

Does anyone else get fed up with nothing seeming to happen unless they provides the encouragement or urging or reminding or deciding to get it done?

OP posts:
QuiteQuietly · 07/03/2014 12:22

horsetowater I am not saying your DP is an oaf because you have made him that way. But you are allowing him to continue inflicting his oafishness on you. Sorry to be blunt, especially when I know nothing about you. It can be hard to suit up and either deal with bad behaviour, ignore it or remove the source from your day-to-day life - but there truly are no prizes for putting up with it.

Crowler · 07/03/2014 12:29

horsetowater are you a SAHM?

horsetowater · 07/03/2014 13:20

I'm a carer. It's like being a SAHM but for longer and the longer you are in it the harder it is to get out of.

Badvoc · 07/03/2014 13:55

Horse...I really do sympathise.
It's not easy. I am by nature a do er and very proactive. It's been my downfall in more than one occasion!
Please bear in mind though that posters like spero do have your best interest at heart.
I think your words were spot on - the longer you do anything the harder it is to stop.
Perhaps it's time to decide what you do out of simple habit (as we all do) and change those things first?
X

horsetowater · 07/03/2014 14:24

I know Badvoc, thanks for your advice.

Leaving someone living in London is almost impossible because one can't afford to run two households. If we lived in Birmingham or Devon we would probably have separated years ago. As it is we can't afford to without a major change in lifestyle - which area we live in, the size of property (we would afford a 1 bedroom only). DCs would suffer because they would lose their school, their friends, their neighbourhood, their stuff overnight. Better to have a grumbly old Dad than go through all that.

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime · 07/03/2014 14:32

horsetowater - I get what you are saying. but you also need to remember you are an important person here as well.

horsetowater · 07/03/2014 14:36

YouAre

Good point! And one I do frequently forget. It might be good for the dcs to see me being 'selfish' once in a while.

Crowler · 07/03/2014 14:53

There must be huge numbers of people in London who want to/can't afford to get divorced.

horsetowater · 07/03/2014 15:01

It does make it harder. The statistics for divorce have already gone down due to the fact that people can't afford to live separately and can't afford legal fees. It is a very real issue.

Badvoc · 07/03/2014 15:08

I think it all depends on what one can bear/put up with.
Do your dc know you are unhappy?
Would they actually prefer 2 happy parents living apart than the current situation even if it did mean disruption/change in lifestyle?
It's so hard. My heart says leave. You have a lot of years ahead of you (hopefully!) and they should be filled with love and laughter.
But I realise that life is not a Julia Roberts film and that sometimes sacrifices and compromises have to be made.

  • Just not the determinant of your mental or physical wellbeing.
Badvoc · 07/03/2014 15:09

Detriment even!
Oh dear, my spelling is going haywire!

QuiteQuietly · 07/03/2014 15:46

Could you make your own personal mental split? So stop running about after him, accept he won't help and stop hoping he will (which can be liberating) and instead concentrate on building your own systems and doing what will make you happy. Equanimity - so that whatever he does or doesn't do, it doesn't rock your own boat?

I do understand how bogged down and trapped a person can feel in a situation that feels out of their control. I had a fairly shitty childhood, but at 12 I had a lightbulb moment that I didn't need to rely on other people for my own happiness. I started to carve out small moments of joy and the power and control it gave me gradually spread.

Aliama · 07/03/2014 15:51

Bloody fed up. Have been waiting for DH to buy a set of replacement wheels for the double buggy as the wheels are flat, making it impossible to push. We already have a toddler and I'm due to give birth in 3 weeks. If I have to have a c-section I'm basically fucked, because I won't be able to use the carrier, and while dd is a good walker, she's not capable of walking everywhere (no car) And shes speech delayed, so i cant really explain it to her. So I'll be trapped inside.

Sick and fucking tired of having to remind him over and over again, only for nothing to be done. I'd buy them myself, but I've already paid out for the cosleeping cot and god knows what else. SAHM so don't have much money, and for once I just want him to sort something out without me having to remind him over and over and over. Have just checked delivery times of spare wheels and it looks like it can take up to two weeks for them to arrive. Did i mention when I was due? We've known this needed to be done for months and months, for fucks sake.

We just had our shopping delivered yesterday evening, ordered by DH from a list I made. Toilet roll on the list, but separate from the main list, clearly there though. I used the last of what we had left this morning, then went out. Just now went to put the toilet roll out, (needed the loo) and couldn't find it. Heart sinking, i checked the receipt, and Yep, it hasn't been ordered. FFS.

And now I'm in tears, and I know it's stupid and I'm hormonal, but I'm sick of it. I'm sick of coins left on the side, and bottles of fucking tonic water never being put back in the cupboards. Im sick of having a filthy kitchen, because I'm the only one who sorts rubbish and recycling, rather than just leaving it on the side for the fucking fairies to deal with. I'm sick of the mess he makes when he cooks, crumbs everywhere, the hob filthy every time. And the worst of it is I know I'm not being fair, and I'm just stressed and tired with everything that's been going on, and im just worried about how I'll cope with two LOs.

God, that's long and petty. Just needed to vent. I've ordered Wifework as well.

MissWing · 07/03/2014 15:56

I do it all. I am asking DH to do some work on the extension we are building on an eve but it's not convenient because he has to go into the garage and do bike maintenance on both our bikes because he signed us both up for a race THIS SUNDAY! The only time he has ever made constructive suggestions on who could help with some childcare is when he wants us both cycling 30 miles (at vastly different speeds- although he did gallantly offer to ride with me).

He owes me.

GarthsUncle · 07/03/2014 16:15

Aliama - if your family can affird the wheels right now, why don't you have access to the money to pay for them?

horsetowater · 07/03/2014 16:25

QuiteQuietly - thanks for your advice, yes I've been there for a while, and would advise subsequent posters to get there as soon as they can. Don't ask him to order the buggy wheels, do it yourself. Just never ask for anything, get on and do. If they want to make themselves obsolete then so be it. There is great pleasure in being self-sufficient and capable and a lot of power.

I have been there since oldest reached 5. Never expect anything and life has been OK. But I do sometimes forget, ask for something and get let down. It's a sign that I've not completely lost natural expectations of the things that make up a normal relationship - love, support, partnership.

But you are right, I am responsible for my own happiness.

horsetowater · 07/03/2014 16:28

Excellent MissWing - he sorts the childcare out and you get the day off while he cycles 30 miles without you. Tell him to find a friend.

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime · 07/03/2014 16:41

i would look at the jobs that benefit DH/DP the most and everyone else in the family the least and calmly and firmly explain that i had been ok doing xyx job in the past but as the family had grown, i could not longer do the xyz job, then just stop....

....and stop taking responsibility. you need to become blind to these jobs that don't benefit you.

and don't worry when it goes wrong. just step back and leave the job alone. and don't give up. there will be resistance but it can be overcome.

Aliama · 07/03/2014 16:50

We don't have a joint account, Garthsuncle. It's not a problem for us, and it works fine. If I need extra cash, I can ask for it. The point is I don't WANT to ask for it. I just want one thing to not be my responsibility for once.

GarthsUncle · 07/03/2014 16:57

I completely understand and sympathise with that but right now the person that will be hit by that is you. If order the wheels and pick some other things to not do.

Flowers
LauraBridges · 07/03/2014 17:24

It all comes back to ensuring each of you in all relationships have your own jobs which you each do and that is a fair division of tasks, not expecting help with a job one of you always does. If over time things get less fair or never were fair then a conversation is needed to change things.

In our marriage he was a bit more competent with house stuff than I was due to more experience (had his own house first) although we grew similar over time and both of us were very hard working and both feminist so it obviously not going to a marriage where one did less than the other at home. I would not have married someone who wasn't like that. We talked about it before we married.

I do thnk it comes down to 100% responsibility - if he does all cooking, you do all washing up, he does all washing and putting clothes away you do all hoovering or whatever is fair, rather than I do everything and I hope someone will help me with what have become 100% my jobs. My fatehr did my brother's bed time story and my mother did my sister's and I every night and that getting the child to bed and sleep. It was a 1960s division of labour but it was pretty fair and each knew just about every night that was what they did. If men could pull their weight 50 years ago they certainly ought to now.

Aliama · 07/03/2014 17:29

Damn it, Garthsuncle, YABVU using common sense on a pregnant hormonal woman. [Smile] But you're right, of course. He's got until the weekend. If its not sorted by Then, I will 1.) order them myself and 2.) flip the fuck out.

Yummymummies · 07/03/2014 22:54

Even when they are helping out, it's like "where's the...?", "how much ...?", can you cut the...?" (Scream from me) just forget it, I'll do it myself.

comingintomyown · 08/03/2014 00:00

I once told my then DH that the one Christmas card he would need to send was to his parents as they set a lot of store by that sort of thing and it should come from him.

He didn't do it and there was fall out and I soooo felt for his lovely parents.
In hind sight maybe I should have just done it but I was making a stand

Yet another example of how being single rocks

horsetowater · 08/03/2014 00:33

Aliama you need a joint account for the bills where income goes and you need a separate account for benefits/tax credits which you as main parent/carer should be in control of. Transfer between them as you need to. Just do it Aliana, don't wait for him to sort it out for you.