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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My partner told friends that she has had 110 partners last night

526 replies

Plutorover · 02/03/2014 09:47

My partner of 7 years who is 40 told some friends that she had slept with approximately 110 men in the past. I did know this, but feel angry that she decided to tell others. It was at a school reunion do that I was not at. The question was specifically asked in a finding out game. I don't understand why she didn't tell them to mind their own business or lie.

She has hinted at it before to my brother too. May have actually told him but I'm unsure.

Why would she do this? Am I wrong to feel aggrieved about this?
Thanks
Confused and angry bloke

OP posts:
RonaldMcDonald · 02/03/2014 13:07

Up to her tbh

What number were you?

Birdsgottafly · 02/03/2014 13:07

"The question I ask is WHY say it at all? Why not refuse to answer or tell a white lie?"

Because she isn't ashamed and wants to break down predudice?

If attitudes aren't challenged they don't change.

This is what keeps the famous "Middle English" state of mind going.

I was once advised not to "admit" to being mixed race. Until I knew better after the late 80's, I went along with it, mainly because I suffered racism growing up.

Women are still suffering sexism, I think that possible facing bigotry, isn't a good enough reason to lie.

Perhaps ask her?

Fairenuff · 02/03/2014 13:08

I think you are judging her OP because if you really were perfectly happy with this, you wouldn't care what the curtain twitchers in the village think or say.

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/03/2014 13:08

Why would she lie? SHE is not ashamed of it. YOU are, and are putting all your stuff on her.

bodybooboo · 02/03/2014 13:10

but who counts? wierd.

Plutorover · 02/03/2014 13:10

Thanks ladymac. I started this thread feeling angry and wanting to check my reaction. Kindness is the most underrated and free of traits. I wasn't trying to be provocative.

OP posts:
MeepMeepVrooom · 02/03/2014 13:10

I live in a small community and they are all at it like rabbits. There is little else to do Grin

DadOnIce · 02/03/2014 13:10

110 men in one night?! That's pretty impressive. She deserves a lie down and a cup of tea.

bochead · 02/03/2014 13:11

OP why can't you just beat your chest and preen at the fact that if she's that pool of partners to choose from yet has chosen YOU & you alone, plus you've kept her happy for the last 7 years then you must be one helluvafella Wink?

7 years of fidelity is more than so many couples achieve nowadays.

As a single woman, I'd be getting her tipsy to get her to share her pulling tips with me the next time we met, not pulling a sucky lemon face. You are a very lucky man.

Fairenuff · 02/03/2014 13:14

For future reference, when asked that question in polite company I believe the phrase one should use is "Oh you know, the usual, more than 5, less than 500."

Or should that be 'fewer than'?

BumPotato · 02/03/2014 13:18

As long as you are not #109 or below, there's not an actual problem. You do need to get over yourself.

VeggySausage · 02/03/2014 13:18

110 men in one night?! That's pretty impressive. She deserves a lie down and a cup of tea.

Oh and arnica balm

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/03/2014 13:25

And a thread on here Wink

ImperialBlether · 02/03/2014 13:31

Does your girlfriend come on Mumsnet, OP?

What was the conversation like? Was she showing off or attention seeking, or was it a serious conversation?

ImperialBlether · 02/03/2014 13:32

I think the OP's point is that these people weren't friends, they were people she was at school with perhaps 25 years ago.

waltermittymissus · 02/03/2014 13:46

Why do you think she should lie?

EBearhug · 02/03/2014 14:00

I think the OP's point is that these people weren't friends, they were people she was at school with perhaps 25 years ago.

I'm still friends with people I was at school with, and I'm about the same age as the OP's partner. I'm in touch with more of them, though I wouldn't say they're all friends, as we just haven't seen each other for years.

I think when you're at an event like a school reunion, there can be some tendency to revert to the age you were last all together. And I can see how that sort of conversation could come up, talking about people who were popular with the boys, and people who are now married, divorced and so on, and a few drinks in, it might get more personal - I wouldn't go into an event saying, "You'll never guess how many people I've slept with over the years!" but I can see how it would come up talking about relationships over the years (a natural conversation at a school reunion) and if someone asked, I'd probably just answer, without really thinking about it, because it's not something to hide, it's just not something you volunteer when it's not relevant.

I also don't think it's odd to know the number, because I have a statistical sort of mind, and it's the sort of thing I remember (among many, many other things.) I find it odd that people don't remember stuff like this, but I've learnt over the years it's just that we're all different.

I also grew up in a small community. People might talk about it for five minutes, but something else will soon be along, and it'll be forgotten about. And if they are going to talk, it'll be about her, not you, Pluto. If anyone looks down on you because of it, it's probably because they were already biased against you for some reason, and were just looking for a reason to confirm their views. There are people like that in life, but you don't have to spend any time worrying about them. And I think that most people aren't going to be that bothered. One of the good things about reaching my 40s is the realisation that mostly, people don't give a shit about what I do - I'm generally not even on their radar most of the time. Some of them might look down on me for a bit because of what I wear or don't wear, or the job I do or the house I live in, or the number of people I've slept with - but mostly, they're not going to care either way, because I'm not that important to them, and the people I am important to aren't going to be bothered about it. I've also learnt that the people you might expect to be really judgemental can sometimes be the most supportive and accepting of situations you find difficult, and it might not be the ones you think.

So I'm with a lot of other people on this thread - get over yourself, it's not that important, and you can't control who or what your OP tells things about herself to.

CromeYellow · 02/03/2014 14:19

I don't care what people do or have in their pasts but I would judge someone who is indiscreet enough to broadcast it. I wouldn't trust them to keep their personal life with me private and I'd be embarrassed by them tbh.

BumPotato · 02/03/2014 14:23

At a wedding, my dad's cousin told a table of family members, including her mother, she'd stopped counting at 500. This was back in the 80s when you were only supposed to admit to two or three. Apparently, I wasn't there, a couple of people sprayed their drinks when she said it.

Viviennemary · 02/03/2014 14:29

Why would people need to broadcast this no matter how few or how many partners they have. Announcement in the Times?? Silly game at a reunion. I wish people would grow up. Hikes up judgey pants!

Dawndonnaagain · 02/03/2014 14:30

I care that something so personal and private was shared to all and sundry and it is especially private cause of what others think even in 2014.

We live in a small community and others judge. It is not anyone else's business.

This is all about you, not her. You are not trying to protect her, you're trying to protect your 'reputation'. I strongly suspect that in some sort of really rather misguided fashion you don't want to look weak, or cuckolded or something equally odd. Everytime you have come back to the thread it comes down to this. Well, so what? Other than you, who cares what people think? How do you know what people think, have you asked them? For heaven's sake, pull yourself together and get on with your life, carry on like this and you will ruin it for you, her and the children, is that what you want?

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName · 02/03/2014 14:31

Lady you are fab

bodybooboo · 02/03/2014 14:33

yeah agree ^^ she sounds childish really. who cares?

WilsonFrickett · 02/03/2014 14:33

I agree Bearhug, it's not something I would chose to share at the school gate but I can completely see how it would come out in a giggly game of truth with old school mates where you're trying to 'fill in the blanks' of the last 20 years or so.

Anyway. The point is it now can't be unsaid OP so really all you can do is get over yourself. Unless you want DP to wear the scarlet letter the next time she pops to the shop?

Groovee · 02/03/2014 14:40

The question I ask is WHY say it at all? Why not refuse to answer or tell a white lie?

Only your DP can answer that. Why she chose to mention it. Did she grow up where you live or have you both moved there from outwith?

You have asked on AIBU. There may have been a different reaction if you had posted on relationships.