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AIBU?

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Original poster

My partner told friends that she has had 110 partners last night

526 replies

Plutorover · 02/03/2014 09:47

My partner of 7 years who is 40 told some friends that she had slept with approximately 110 men in the past. I did know this, but feel angry that she decided to tell others. It was at a school reunion do that I was not at. The question was specifically asked in a finding out game. I don't understand why she didn't tell them to mind their own business or lie.

She has hinted at it before to my brother too. May have actually told him but I'm unsure.

Why would she do this? Am I wrong to feel aggrieved about this?
Thanks
Confused and angry bloke

OP posts:
LurkingNineToFive · 02/03/2014 12:38

Op I think your getting it in the neck a bit because it's an issue that really annoys a lot of women. Being judged my men for sleeping with more than a few people when they would love to have had the opportunity themselves is a bigger issue than just your post. The slut stud hypocrisy makes my blood boil. If you've been single off a few years it's easy to rack up the numbers without shagging everything that moves. As long as your not cheating go for it I say.
So many women lie about how many men they've slept with that 110 seems high but I bet it's not that unusual.
Be glad you have a open communicative relationship with a woman who doesn't have loads of the sexual hang ups we are encouraged to have.

Lepidina · 02/03/2014 12:39

Oh, I don't need to. I did use it correctly (though I might suggest you read your post again then looking it up)

More text abbreviations and acronyms! Interesting, K8.

oakmouse · 02/03/2014 12:40

If my dh said that I'd just roll my eyes and say "bet you felt like a real stud saying that".

If he'd told them MY number I'd have killed him! That's not his to share.

People who play truth or dare games probably have a few juicy secrets of their own and I doubt your wife's was the revelation of the night.

Very likely most were thinking of nothing but their hangovers the next day.

Your wife is a modern woman with her own values about sexuality, privacy and so on. It can be awkward when these don't mesh with yours but it seems that you agree on the fundamentals and have a happy marriage.

I'm sure it will all blow over if you don't brood on it, but maybe next time she could agree to be more discreet for your sake or at least not torment your more reserved sensibilities by telling you!

LurkingNineToFive · 02/03/2014 12:43
  • just thought I'd add this perspective for you OP. Imagine if every time you went on a date with some hot woman she tried it on, pulled out all the stops, got you drunk and begged you to come back with her. You really wanted to coz she's hot but you know you'll he judged not just by society as a whole but also the girl who's seducing you! Annoying isn't it. Welcome to the world of a single woman.
VeggySausage · 02/03/2014 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fairenuff · 02/03/2014 12:46

I haven't read the whole thread, could someone update me please, did the OP say what his reason was for wanting her to lie? Thanks.

Original poster
Plutorover · 02/03/2014 12:46

Nice veggy you are such a kind person.

OP posts:
MeepMeepVrooom · 02/03/2014 12:47

I could understand you having an issue if she was discussing your sex life in detail but actually she was discussing her own sexual history. Presumably if it was a game so we're others.

It's part of her past not yours and therefore it's up to her if she wants to disclose this information.

I think it's clear from your posts that although you are willing to accept it yourself you are embarrassed for others to know. If your partner isn't then this is really your issue not hers. Some people might judge her but honestly I doubt anyone will actually care if she's slept with 100 or 1000 people

Fairenuff · 02/03/2014 12:48

Ah, OP, I didn't expect you to still be around. Could you answer my question just above please?

VeggySausage · 02/03/2014 12:51

Maybe (but if you are for real), I'm clearly a better spouse than you though and that's what matters to my husband. I'm not ashamed of him and if any of our friends judged him I'd drop them.. not humiliate him further by asking a load of randoms on the internet to judge him with me.

BIWI · 02/03/2014 12:51

Fairenuff - why don't you just read the thread?!

Fairenuff · 02/03/2014 12:52

It's a simple question BIWI. If no-one will answer, I will read the thread.

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/03/2014 12:53

Exactly that veggy.

VeggySausage · 02/03/2014 12:54

fairenuff you can change your setting so the OP always come up a different colour so you can choose to only read their posts. Or even do ctrl+F and then enter ops name and keep clicking enter.

It's how I read long threads.

And for the record I think the OP is a bit embarrassed about his numbers..

VivianStanshall · 02/03/2014 12:54

Fairenuff, it's buried in the thread but he's said this: whilst he accepted her past because he loved her he is still embarrassed about it because of the impression it gives when he would rather, as newcomers into a small village, have people think that they are "respectable" as within small communities people do judge and remember.

He is unhappy that she has told his brother (this seems more odd, I wouldn't expect my brother's wife to tell me any such thing) and that she has told people at a reunion so hardly close friends who wouldn't pass it on.

FabULouse · 02/03/2014 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/03/2014 12:59

I know how many partners my SIL has had. I knew it within months of meeting her, it came up over a drunken night at ours.
Did/do I judge her?
Hell no Smile

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 02/03/2014 13:00

I don't see the issue as how many previous sexual partners the DP has had, I see it as a disagreement about how much personal information the OP is comfortable with sharing out in the wider world.

OP you knew how many men your DP has slept with and you love her and are with her. That's the important thing.
If you want to have a conversation about what either of you discuss with third parties such as your brother and friends, then that is what you should do.

What other people think about the information they now know is up to them and I really wouldn't worry about it, it's out there, move on.

Fairenuff · 02/03/2014 13:01

Thank you Veggie and Viv, so, in a nutshell, he is judging her and thinks she has had too many sexual partners.

Original poster
Plutorover · 02/03/2014 13:02

We live in a small community and others judge. It is not anyone else's business. She is 40 not 20. Why say anything at all what is the upside? It is a large number and regardless of how many mumsneters and many others feel is is a non issue, it is an issue to many. I am perfectly ok with it.
The question I ask is WHY say it at all? Why not refuse to answer or tell a white lie?

I have always known the number and we are happy together after 7+ years.

OP posts:
Topaz25 · 02/03/2014 13:04

She shouldn't be ashamed but at the same time there's no need to shout it from the roof tops. Her hinting about it to your brother in particular sounds attention seeking and annoying. There's nothing wrong with discretion. It sounds like you have different communication styles, discuss that with her rather than focusing on the issue of sexual partners so she doesn't feel judged.

LadyMacmuff · 02/03/2014 13:05

The thing is OP whether anyone likes it or not she's said it now so what you need to do is work out the best way of dealing with it. It can't be unsaid can it so no point giving her a hard time. You've said you live in a small place, but that most of these people haven't been seen for decades. If that is true why on earth is it going to be news in the village?

Even if it is 'news' it will all be forgotten quickly as there will be something else to talk about soon enough and honestly for you and her anyone who is going to judge is no friend of either of you. Keep your head up, don't refer to it, discuss it or show you've got any sort of problem with it to these so called friends. Best thing to do given that you yourself love her and don't have a huge problem with her past encounters is to be proud of her for who she is now and of yourself for being a good bloke who doesn't give a shit what anyone thinks.

I do think you might possibly want to ask her why she said it and if she's embarrassed now or not. If she's not - great, if she is then you need to present a united front, support her and just ignore any gossips. I should think it's unlikely anyone will ask you about it? What are you afraid of? Some bloke in the pub saying 'oh yeah, I hear your mrs is a bit of a go-er haha, nudge nudge?" I'd answer that with something genuine along the lines of 'yes, well, we've all had sex before haven't we? Or maybe you haven't! haha -What's important is that we are totally & exclusively committed to each other now and we are really happy - gush gush" that should shut them up - if you show you have no problem with it then there is no case to answer is there?

D0oinMeCleanin · 02/03/2014 13:05

Refusing to answer is the same as telling the truth, people would deduce that the number is probably high and why lie? She has done nothing to be ashamed of.

FWIW I don't think it is that unusual a number, unless my single friends are odd it is not unusual for a young, single woman to have a regular fuck buddy or three, a one night stand every month or so and a few holiday romances/short term flings. The numbers can add up without shagging everything that breathes.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 02/03/2014 13:05

But why should she lie or say nothing? Explain that.

Sallystyle · 02/03/2014 13:06

I find 110 quite shocking, male OR female. Not something to be ashamed of but it seems like a lot, to me.

If my husband had told me he had slept with 110 people it would have put me off. That would mean we would view sex very differently. I don't care how many people others have slept with but in a relationship it is something that might be a deal breaker if it was to come out at the start of dating.

It is not a gender issue for me at all.

However, I don't think she was wrong to answer the question truthfully.

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