to think people are selfish to not go to a wedding if it's adults only?

[Birdo83]

Just read another thread where several members said they would refuse to go to a wedding if their children weren't invited. Not for child care reasons but just cause they thought it wasn't right.

Space at weddings are limited what with both peoples friends and family. Are people really expecting some of the bride or grooms friends or family not to attend THEIR wedding so people's kids can take up all the seats? Our wedding was adults only because of course I wanted to prioritise my loved ones over other peoples children who, on the whole, don't mean so much to me. I'd have to have turned several of my closest friends if I'd let everyone bring all their children which I'd hate to do.

It's also worrying how many people can't seem to enjoy themselves without their kids. Ditto people who refuse to go to parties that our adults only. Very odd.

*I really do feel very sorry for people who think and feel like this and also those that seem unable to leave their children. I can only assume that they never go anywhere that is not suitable for DCs such as the pub, restaurants, out dancing or to see adult rated films at the cinema and i really do think that not having any quality alone time with your partner is a very sad state of affairs.

Surely going out for an evening eith your OH or DH for an evening enjoying each others company without your children is a way to maintain a healthy and passionate relationship? confused

And doesnt getting your children to soend time with other adults and in company away from their parents lead them to be happy, idependent little souls who are self sufficient and not clingy?*

But life isn't that black and white is it?

I have (as I said up thread) been to a wedding without DC (even where he was actually invited)

But someone so close to me that their wedding would be spoilt if I wasn't there really really isn't going to invite me without DS because is a part of the family - his age isn't relevant - he is a part of their family and you don't leave out random members of the family if its so important to you that your family attends. DS isn't invisible or a non-person because he;s 8. I include in family those friends who are so close that they may as well be family which in my case probably only numbers 1.

If we aren't so close that its not essential that I'm there, I can quite see why they might not invite DS because he isn't that important to them. No problem. But I don't understand why its more selfish of me to consider very carefully whether to attend the wedding even if I can get childcare which it seems is the only excuse OP will accept as valid than it is selfish of OP to expect me to attend whatever the inconvenience to me and/or DS.

The last wedding I went to cost me £60 in petrol, probably £40 in eating out, would have cost me £200 in hotel costs had the father of the bride not very kindly picked up my bill without telling me and £50 wedding present (borrowed hat so no extra cost). That's what I spend for a weeks holiday in the summer or 2 weeks tennis camp for DS so I can work in the holidays.

It isn't a case of being too precious to leave DS or that I have some clingy unconfident child - I have a 75 year mother in remission from cancer with a disability who is my only overnight child carer and a limited amount of money that needs to stretch quite far. I resent being called selfish or people implying I'm a clingy parent because I have to make decisions about where to waste a load of time and money - on my child or on my friends.

The problem is partly that I sound like quite a posh, culturally and intellectually stimulated person so people aren't always aware of the parameters i operate under and I rarely share it with them. Maybe they interpret my decisions as being an inability to ever leave DS without his mummy-wummy. As for having adult time alone with DH - see earlier that I'm single. Obviously single people don't need adult company ever which is lucky.

nobody dont panic people dont tell you about these 'issues' they have in real life they come on mumsnet to whinge about your wedding!

Book a venue
Invite people you like enough to come with or without their children IT'S YOUR CHOICE
Get a frock
Turn up on the day
Party with those that can be arsed to come
Live happily ever after

Sorted.

We do things as a family, or not at all. We don't use babysitters unless they are close family or friends, so it would be very likely we would be unable to attend a wedding which was adults only. I wouldn't feel any resentment to the person who's wedding it was, as it's their choice, but I would expect that person to respect the way we do things as well.

oh lordy that was a bit of an essay [essay]

I could have just said - Have you no empathy who struggle to arrange time off without their children and it isn't always selfish or pathetic.

kewcumber it's been said before and i will say it again. There is no problem with anyone declining a wedding invite for any reason whatsoever. This conversation as far as i am aware has been about people getting the hump and declining because their children weren't invited to the wedding rather than circumstances dictating they were unable to attend the wedding due to child care issues/ finances etc.

I would just go along with whatever the bride and groom want.

I prefer a child free wedding personally, I get time to talk without being interrupted, drink and dance to my hearts content, and socialise with close friends without running around after dd2, who is trouble incarnate.
I do feel for others who have child care issues and can't do this though, I've been there and its hard, and it seems a shame to exclude them because of that.

Is it possible to get addicted to a thread on mumsnet?

You're invited to our hypothetical wedding behind but DC are not

We will accept your non-RSVP gracefully

I think so somersetlady

Somerset.... it's going to be a mid calf creation in shiny satin with huge puffball hoop.

So the pumps will be on show....especially the diamanté embellishment on the front

However....I will be having a fleet of make up artists and hairdressers just for me and will plan to charge you for their services

maybe people get the hump because they realise that not inviting the children means they can't go.

Personally I don't get the hump - how many people really respond to invites "we're not coming because you haven't invited our DC's" even if the case. The only reponses I've ever seen tend to be a polite decline blaming it on lack of childcare.

OP might be saying she's only talking about people getting the hump but she also made it clear that lack of childcare was the only acceptable excuse not to attend - any other reason (short of a family emergency which you are expected to specify in detail in order for it to be accepted) was "selfish"

Other posters have also opened up the debate to how parents who don't leave their DC's much as sad, unstimulated, have no life, unhealthy relationships with their DH, clingy children etc etc. That's my life they're talking about and its really not as sad as they seem to think it is.

Getting the hump and expressing that to anyone who has invited you to their wedding is bad form - not sure why people who decline because their children aren't invited are singled out as being selfish.

Ikewcumber

In my opinion this:

"we're not coming because you haven't invited our DC's"

Is exactly the same when responding to the bride and groom as this

"polite decline blaming it on lack of childcare."

You are basically saying i can not come without my children so if you want me there extend the invitation to the kids.

A simple "I am so sorry we can not attend but hope you have a wonderful day" puts no pressure on anybody.

On that note I must bow out and return to RL before this thread takes over my life

Quite saintly
Utterly condescending.
Bored now.
Op. YAbu. It is not selfish to decline an invitation to a wedding because your DCs are not invited
Even if purely on principle.
It might seem an invalid reason to some people.
But it's not selfish.

I'm surprised by the number of people who have only been to weddings of really close friends where their presence is vital!

I have 2 weddings this year. One is my brother and I would do everything possible to go whether or not the children are invited (they are, as are babysitters ). The other is my first cousin who I last saw at my wedding 17 years ago. No children invited. I really don't think I'll be missed...

I think you have to work hard to take offence there really Somerset. I might decline because I can't get childcare - but that doesn't mean I could go if I could take ds1. It might be cometely unsuitable for him, there might be no- one available to help me with him.

Anyway skaen's example is what happens in the real world ime. Rather than people taking offence at their kids not bring invited by distant relations or getting offended because someone they haven't seen for over a decade doesn't want to arrange childcare.

I can't see how not being able to get childcare is the same as saying 'invite my little darlings or else'. I mean, there are some things that I'd love to go to (generally not weddings, tbh, which are mainly quite dull IME) which I simply can't go to because I actually can't afford the necessary childcare. Babysitters add quite a significant premium to a night out if you are on a tight budget. I hope one day not to be on a tight budget. But tbh, by the time that happens I probably won't need the childcare anyway.

no explanation offered

The problem is when an explanation is demanded.

IME some people are thoughtful and understand that their wedding is not necessarily the top priority for you. They may express some sadness that you cant come and enquire if they can help in some way.

Other people are offended to discover that their wedding is not your top priority. IME these are the people who have absorbed, hook, line and sinker, all the Brides Magazine requirements for the 'perfect' day. They cannot understand why anybody could have something other than their wedding to attend. They have put so much effort into ensuring it will be the smartest/grandest/perfectest wedding that ever did happen.

Our wedding was adults only because of course I wanted to prioritise my loved ones over other peoples children who, on the whole, don't mean so much to me

And you want your loved ones to prioritise you, over their own children.

Not everyone has childcare.
Not everyone is willing to spend the amount of money it costs to attend a wedding, when the children are excluded.

The phrase "it's my special day" makes me want to vomit. Yes, it's your day and your rules, and my prerogative to prefer to be doing something else.

I don't think an explanation is necessary. It's an invitation which you either accept or decline.

I agree with you there worry

When DP and I got engaged (haven't booked anything yet) some people I know got so excited and started suggesting a castle by us and asked if I had bought anywedding magazines.

I'm just getting married, I'm not insane (smile)

family wedding and i can't go because my kids are not invited not being precious but all the people i trust to babysit are going! so i stay and babysit someone elses kids instead not being funny but if you don't want kids at your wedding be prepared for me not to attend if i have to pay a professional its an expense i can't afford so i stay home im not irritated by it just bored

I think it depends on who the guests are in relation to the bride and groom, and whether they are just choosing not to come to be bloody minded or because they genuinely cannot get reliable childcare.

If (lets say for the sake of argument) my brother or best friend decided to get married and excluded the DC I would feel very hurt TBH, and would have to really think whether I wanted to go. Even if I decided to overlook it, DP and I would struggle to find anyone willing to look after 4 DCs between the ages of 4 and 11, especially if our parents were also attending the wedding.

When my cousin married, our kids weren't invited and I didn't mind at all. Luckily my 3 SDD were with their mother that weekend and so we only needed childcare for 1, and DPs parents obliged, as obviously my parents were also attending. If it had fallen on the other weekend it might have been a problem; I would have had to attend without DP.

Somerset I might disagree with you that there's a problem with using childcare as a reasonable excuse but whats more relevant is that OP has already stated that not giving a reason is unacceptable and that if you don't give a reason for turning down her invite then she will quiz you as to your reasons to ensure that it is adequate

to quote:

the ones who couldn't make it had acceptable reasons they couldn't make it.

I would be a bit miffed if a close friend sent such a cold and curt response. I would reply "Ah, that's a shame, how come you can't make it?"

I think it would be wise, rather than send out a wedding list with the invitations, you should send a list of acceptable reasons for declining as it seems a minefield for a guest to say anything other than "yes" without being accused of being selfish.

If I ever get married - I'm going to elope.

When I got married, I didn't invite anyone apart from DH and then we went somewhere v cheap afterwards for lunch, which saved a lot of trouble and expense. I recommend it highly.