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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think people are selfish to not go to a wedding if it's adults only?

783 replies

Birdo83 · 02/03/2014 08:02

Just read another thread where several members said they would refuse to go to a wedding if their children weren't invited. Not for child care reasons but just cause they thought it wasn't right.

Space at weddings are limited what with both peoples friends and family. Are people really expecting some of the bride or grooms friends or family not to attend THEIR wedding so people's kids can take up all the seats? Our wedding was adults only because of course I wanted to prioritise my loved ones over other peoples children who, on the whole, don't mean so much to me. I'd have to have turned several of my closest friends if I'd let everyone bring all their children which I'd hate to do.

It's also worrying how many people can't seem to enjoy themselves without their kids. Ditto people who refuse to go to parties that our adults only. Very odd. Confused

OP posts:
PiperRose · 03/03/2014 17:01

Exactly GreenLandsOfHome!

Somersetlady · 03/03/2014 17:02

spaceycaz i am not for one minute saying people should do these things i am simply using them, to illustrate that there many times in life when the attendance of DC is not acceptable/suitable and why the big offence taken when the same set of rules is applied to a wedding? Again i refer to the point of this thread being when people choose to get the hump their kids aren't invited to a wedding rather than declining because they cant be arsed to go/ don't value the friendship enough / cant afford it or cant find childcare etc which are all VERY different reasons to getting the hump the kids aren't invited!

expatinscotland · 03/03/2014 17:02

Again, going back to how hard it is for those who have good, reliable childcare that some people REALLY do not and cannot afford to hire it.

Some people REALLY don't care about parties or weddings, some love them, others don't.

Why is one subset 'sad' because they don't feel the same way you do?

TheRealAmandaClarke · 03/03/2014 17:10

They're not sad.
It's just another PA MN special.
Like a head tilt.
Or a Confused

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog · 03/03/2014 17:10

You're missing the point of the thread again expat.

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog · 03/03/2014 17:12

Unless you are referring to someone else's post.

I didn't say anyone was sad for not wanting to go because they don't like parties or would prefer to stay at home.

SapphireMoon · 03/03/2014 17:12

Lots of thread police about..
The thread can develop how it pleases!!

Grennie · 03/03/2014 17:13

Not sad. But I value close family and friend's special occasions.

spaceykaz · 03/03/2014 17:14

We have been weddings without the kids. I would not expect to take mine to anyone's wedding.

On the other hand, I would not expect anyone to take offense if people decided to take a rain check because it's no kids. It's not selfish, it's just an obvious potential upshot of not inviting kids. You don't think less of parents for not showing up at something which is "no kids".

I can't see the point of the behind the scenes mean-spiritedness and oversensitivity that goes on with weddings anyway. To us, a wedding is a happy occasion we are pleased to attend, to pay witness to friends or family making the biggest promise they can before God and the world, it is the start of their little family however that may turn out. I have literally no idea how people get their knickers in such a twist over it all.

expatinscotland · 03/03/2014 17:15

Um, not, HotDog, as it has deviated from the OP and it now doing what all these thread do, go round in circles.

Some people do things one way, others do it another, one is no more right than the other, but some insist, they are.

Somersetlady · 03/03/2014 17:16

expatinscotland i am not calling any subset sad. I said i feel sad as in it's an emotion and we can not help how we feel that people are not able to share in the love and joy of their friends as a couple and let their offence cloud their feelings and can not just be happy that they have been invited to share in the wedding and want to celebrate with the B&G.

I don't really care about weddings or parties but i do care about my friends and i love to see them doing whatever makes them happy and if that includes me in any way they wish with or without DC then i am honoured and delighted to be part of it.

We went for a Chinese on Friday to 'celebrate' a friends promotion. I don't like Chinese food at the best of times let alone 7 months pregnant and the dog wasn't invited. I wander now from the posts above if i shouldn't have just refused the invitation and saved the 80mile round trip and £40 rather than be delighted for the friend and share their happy occasion....???

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog · 03/03/2014 17:16

Only MNHQ police threads Sapphire....

LtEveDallas · 03/03/2014 17:16

Do you never leave your dd LtEveDallas

Of course I do, but only if I have a family member to look after her, which considering I live an hour and a half from my family and 6 hours from PIL doesn't happen very often.

I also have to deploy as part of my job, but DH is always around for that and thankfully that is rare these days.

Things like going to a coffee shop or out for breakfast happen as a family for us. We don't do many things that DD cannot do too - Even our sports involve her, I've taught her how to swim and DH has taught her how to play squash - that doesn't mean we can't do them alone, just that if the other parent is busy, she can come too.

expatinscotland · 03/03/2014 17:17

Yy to thread police, sapphire. 'You don't agree with me, so you are missing the point.'

SapphireMoon · 03/03/2014 17:20

Mmm Hotdog.. MNHQ are the official thread police but some here trying hard to control thread I think...

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog · 03/03/2014 17:21

No expat - I agreed with you that people are reasonable to decline an invite for whatever reason they want.

You, are getting me mixed up with the people trading insults or calling each other sad.

expatinscotland · 03/03/2014 17:23

I'm not getting you mixed up with anyone because I only responded to you once. It's a huge, anonymous Internet forum and this is a long thread.

CalamitouslyWrong · 03/03/2014 17:26

Why do you have to want to spend time outside of your house away from your children (because the time when they're in bed obviously doesn't count) in order to be a proper person and have a decent relationship with your partner? It's not 'sad' to have different interests and priorities.

Both sides of this are calling each other 'selfish'. One lot think people are selfish if they don't make time for an important event in the bride and groom's lives and the other side think that the bride and groom are selfish for not organising wedding they want to attend. It's all utterly pointless.

The fact is you plan the wedding you want to have and invite people. It is then up to the invitees to decide if they want to come. If they'd rather play backgammon at the local old folks home, or play cricket, or spend the day watching reruns of dog the bounty hunter, then that's up to them. They don't have to want to come to your wedding, just as you don't have to plan the kind of wedding they'd want to go to.

As lots of people have pointed out, you won't even remember who was there years on. It's like all the stuff on the pregnancy boards on here where the pregnancy and the birth is the Most Important All Consuming Thing Ever for some women. 15 years later it'll all seem very different. The important thing in this instance is the marriage not the wedding. People become fixated on a single day.

Tbh, it's more important to me that my friends are there to support me and my marriage (in whatever way I need) than that they watched the ceremony/wore an outfit from coast/ate some overpriced mass catering/etc with me and DH on a single day.

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog · 03/03/2014 17:27

Well my mistake then.

I assumed you answered one of my posts that was referring to a previous post of yours.

It happens.

Hardly thread policing is it?

CalamitouslyWrong · 03/03/2014 17:29

And I'd prioritise general life support over standing around in uncomfortable shoes drinking pimms any day. The real friends are the ones who are there when life's shit.

saintlyjimjams · 03/03/2014 17:29

God feeling 'sad' because someone chooses to live their - entirely different life with an entirely different set of circumstances to you - life in a different way is so condescending.

I'll quite happily attend a party if it's easy enough to do so. But I won't bankrupt myself, leave ds1 in unsafe childcare or force ds2 or ds3 to miss things they're not allowed to miss just to go to party - for any reason. And I'll wish whoever is throwing the party well while I decline. No offence taken on my part & I would think it very odd if they got their kickers in a twist at my absence.

I'm with expat.

merrymouse · 03/03/2014 17:36

I'm sure that in reality all the people who love to spend the majority of their time with their children have friends who appreciate that and all the people who like time away from their children have friends who appreciate that.

It's only on line that these two subsets of people get to meet at a hypothetical wedding.

It is 7 years since I last went to a wedding so I am planning to enjoy myself and want to know, at this virtual wedding:

  1. Will there be a ceilidh?
  2. What will the cake be like?
  3. Are there any family feuds that I should be aware of and is it all likely to kick off?
merrymouse · 03/03/2014 17:38

Also, how many bridesmaids are there? DD has never been a bridesmaid, and doesn't want to be one, but I was never a bridesmaid, so can I be one?

Only1scoop · 03/03/2014 17:39

Merry you can be my virtual bridesmaid Grin

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog · 03/03/2014 17:41

For me:

  1. The venue - Can I wear flats or is it too posh?
  2. What music for the party - Band or same old crap played from the 80's
  3. How cheap are the drinks

I think that's it for me Smile

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