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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I Unreasonable to this child?

364 replies

iamsoannoyed · 01/03/2014 23:24

I was at a party with DD (aged 5)- she was a guest, not her party. It was at a place which has a soft play area beside the cafe (party rooms upstairs). The children had just played ten-pin bowling, and were coming through to play in the soft play area.

I was sitting with some of the other mums having coffee when one of DDs friends, whose mum I am reasonably friendly with and has been to our house/DD has been to hers, came over. She poked me in the stomach and said "haha, your kid came last". Those were her exact words.

I was a Shock. I said to her "please don't talk to me like that, it's very rude. And you can't be the best at everything, so it's not very kind to tease people for being last.". I did not shout or raise my voice and did not get out of my chair.

She went red, ran off and I thought no more of it.

Her granny had brought her to the party. I don't think granny had noticed this exchange, but one of the other mums did and we both just raised an eyebrow. This little girl has been known to throw strops with the other children if she doesn't get her way and is also known as a bit of a madam at times, but is basically a normal little girl.

I got a phone call tonight from the girls mum to say she was very cross that I had "disciplined" her daughter. She thought I should have waited until I got home and then called her to raise my concerns.

I explained what had happened, and stated while I thought it was rude and fairly unpleasant behaviour on her DDs part and she needed a reminder that you shouldn't speak to adults like that, I didn't think it warranted a phone call home after the party (and hours after the "incident") as that was just making a mountain out of a molehill. Had the girl's mother been there, I would have mentioned what had happened.

I imagine her DD would probably have forgotten all about the incident by the end of the party, and would have been a bit confused as to what the fuss was about.

Was I unreasonable? I really genuinely don't think I was.

I would expect any other adult to have acted similarly if my DD had spoken to them like this (and would have been fairly mortified that she had done so).

TBH, I think I should just avoid play dates with DD and this girl, as I will not have a child in my house who I cannot even ask to behave in an acceptable manner in my own home in case her parents are upset by this.

OP posts:
sunshinemmum · 02/03/2014 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

adoptmama · 02/03/2014 11:46

Life is far too short, Tailtwister. On that one I will agree with you.

You don't need to 'trail back through my posts' to find if I did what you accused me of. You would in fact only need to read the one comment you quoted yourself. No need to 'trail back.'

I disagreed with you on the specifics of your calling the OPs words inappropriate, harsh and unkind. I did not say you were not entitled to express your opinion. I did not attribute someone elses comments to you. I most certainly did not accuse you of saying/writing something you didn't say.

Although you have accused me of the latter.

And rather than simply acknowledge your error (and dare I say apologise) you simply say life is too short to bother finding out if you are wrong or not, or if you acted unfairly towards someone.

It is interesting that you concluded your own post accusing me misquoting you and of writing 'absolute rubbish' by telling Pictish that I'm not oversensitive, I just think before I open my mouth and unnecessarily upset a child when I could have tempered my response and got my message across adequately.

Ironic.

WheelieBinThief · 02/03/2014 11:47

OP did nothing wrong. Her comment to the child was perfectly fair and reasonable. Yes, the child was probably just over excited and got a bit carried away, so what? It does no harm for a nearly 6 year old to be gently reminded of her manners- that' how they learn, after all.

My own 6 year old DD was at the park yesterday with her 4 year old cousin- they were both very overexcited. He won't go on a particular slide, and DD started being quite silly, and jumping up and down going 'scaredy cat, scaredy cat!'. I said to DD, very quietly 'please remember we do not laugh at people's fears, DD'. She stopped immediately, and like the little girl in the OP, went very red and embarrassed

She wasn't embarrassed because I told her off- she was embarrassed because she KNEW what she did was not kind, and she felt annoyed with herself- DD is a lovely kid who love her little cousin very much and it was purely a case of small-child thoughtlessness. But it's how they learn. What if I had not pulled DD up on her behaviour, and she did it in the school playground next time, and other children joined in? It's still a case of children being thoughtless and overexcited, but it needs checked, for the children's own sake. You don't have to make a fuss, you don't have to 'discipline' or punish the child, but you can and should gently remind the child of what desirable behaviour is.

Thetallesttower · 02/03/2014 11:48

Youcat the child is not at school, it was not a classroom!

That's my point. You don't start acting like a teacher at a 5 year old's party.

Thetallesttower · 02/03/2014 11:49

Wheelie again, making my point for me. Of course it's fine to say to your OWN child don't be rude or we don't do that. Not ok to do it to child you really don't know well at party- hence the child's upset and phone call.

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/03/2014 11:52

I respectfully disagree.
Since the child clearly thought it was ok to poke an adult in the stomach it is clear she was not taught this at home.

WheelieBinThief · 02/03/2014 11:56

I'm not making your point for you thetallesttower. I should have added that I would be more than happy to have said the same thing to my nephew if the roles had been reversed, and I would hope that if my DD had behaved in such a way when I wasn't present, the adult in charge would have corrected her in a similar fashion. By 'similar fashion' I mean no yelling, no nastiness- just a simple 'that isn't very kind, please don't do that'.

Better a gentle check on behaviour early on,than that behaviour escalating to the point where the child does end up getting into trouble/upsetting other children/losing friends

Thetallesttower · 02/03/2014 11:56

Fine- a quick 'be gentle' would have sorted that out (although how awful could this poke have really been, I very much doubt a five year old did more than laid her finger on where her hand comes up to the OP on her body naturally, she's little).

Telling children they are rude is something best left to parents and teachers and perhaps adults the child knows very well IMO and in general, that's what I see happening around me.

Cupcakesprinkles21 · 02/03/2014 11:58

Flh

Thetallesttower · 02/03/2014 11:59

Wheelie sorry but you are- you are talking about correcting your own dd and your own nephew, not the same as this little girl and clearly the little girl was mortified in a way that would be not the same in a close family.

Thetallesttower · 02/03/2014 12:03

Wheelie- sorry, I was wrong, you did say you would be happy for another adult to say that to your child. I wouldn't as it didn't sound nearly as kind as the way you put it.

edamsavestheday · 02/03/2014 12:06

Some parents are far too precious and their offspring are in for a horrid shock when they realise not everyone treats them as the centre of the universe.

Bollocks to a nearly six year old not being able to poke someone btw - that's just nonsense.

WheelieBinThief · 02/03/2014 12:06

Er, no I'm not? I would correct any child who came and poked me in the stomach and behaved rudely. I have in the past and will do so in the future. This little girl was probably 'mortified' because she isn't used to being checked much. Most children seem to get over it without any long term damage Confused

How close family does one have to be then, to ask a child not to poke them in the stomach? First cousin? Second cousin? Do you have to see them every week at least?Confused

cees · 02/03/2014 12:08

Well done op, the child needed to be told her rudeness is not acceptable behaviour. Some people obviously don't give their kids boundaries and get defensive when others have to do it for them.

FabBakerGirl · 02/03/2014 12:12

YANBU at all.

I would have been mortified if this had been my child but totally fine you had told her off. Behaviour like that at 5 needs dealing with, it isn't cute and she is old enough to be told she shouldn't speak like that OR POKE PEOPLE Shock.

Iddi9 · 02/03/2014 12:12

Horrible child who will lose friends. Silly mother who will also lose friends if she doesn't get facts right first and sticks up for such silly behaviour instead of explaining to the DC should anything similar occur in future.

Thetallesttower · 02/03/2014 12:13

I agree with asking children not to poke you in the stomach. I don't agree with saying what they said was rude and not kind and giving them a mini-lecture at a party, even if what they said was unacceptable,which it was.

My general rule is- only say things to children you would be prepared to say in front of their parents if they were standing there. My guess is the OP would have said something slightly different. Perhaps not. In general, I haven't seen parents pointing out the rude or unkind behaviour of others at parties because they are boisterous affairs and some parent would find that really quite affronting.

But, keep telling other people's kids off in public when they are rude and unkind and their parents aren't around- see what happens. I don't see people doing this in the way the OP did and that's why I don't like it.

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/03/2014 12:15

The kid is already being excluded by never having being told her behaviour is unacceptable.
Hopefully her mother has not managed to undo the valuable life lesson bestowed by the OP.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2014 12:15

A poke in tge stomach can be very painful for some with medical conditions, and it's not pleasant anyway. The op acted very reasonably, my goodness these precious little flowers. What are tgey going to do when they grow up and enter the adult environment where it's less forgiving. I think we will have to agree to disagree with some on here

YouTheCat · 02/03/2014 12:15

You don't need to act like a teacher. But staff's work would be much easier if some parents bothered to teach their children some basic manners. And life would be generally more pleasant too.

Tall, hopefully you've taught your child some manners so that another adult wouldn't have to pull your child up over their behaviour. If they do have to do that then that would imply that you haven't.

adoptmama · 02/03/2014 12:16

OPs comment to almost 6 year old child: "please don't talk to me like that, it's very rude. And you can't be the best at everything, so it's not very kind to tease people for being last."

Mini-lecture?

Hmm

5 second comment

Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2014 12:17

Of course it's up to op to correct the child, she poked her in the stomach and was ridiculing her dd. where was granny then!

bragmatic · 02/03/2014 12:18

Labelling a 5 year old "a horrible child" is pretty vile imo.

She poked someone. She's 5. Get a grip.

Thetallesttower · 02/03/2014 12:18

You my children have beautiful manners, I do this exactly because I like them to be included, feel comfortable, not be rude, all the things this little girl may not be at this time point. But I don't feel it's my role to teach other children these manners at a five- year old's birthday party. Totally inappropriate setting and not my role.

pianodoodle · 02/03/2014 12:19

got a phone call tonight from the girls mum to say she was very cross that I had "disciplined" her daughter. She thought I should have waited until I got home and then called her to raise my concerns.

I'd have just said "well that's just tough knockers" and put the phone down.

YANBU