Was I Unreasonable to this child?

[iamsoannoyed]

I was at a party with DD (aged 5)- she was a guest, not her party. It was at a place which has a soft play area beside the cafe (party rooms upstairs). The children had just played ten-pin bowling, and were coming through to play in the soft play area.

I was sitting with some of the other mums having coffee when one of DDs friends, whose mum I am reasonably friendly with and has been to our house/DD has been to hers, came over. She poked me in the stomach and said "haha, your kid came last". Those were her exact words.

I was a . I said to her "please don't talk to me like that, it's very rude. And you can't be the best at everything, so it's not very kind to tease people for being last.". I did not shout or raise my voice and did not get out of my chair.

She went red, ran off and I thought no more of it.

Her granny had brought her to the party. I don't think granny had noticed this exchange, but one of the other mums did and we both just raised an eyebrow. This little girl has been known to throw strops with the other children if she doesn't get her way and is also known as a bit of a madam at times, but is basically a normal little girl.

I got a phone call tonight from the girls mum to say she was very cross that I had "disciplined" her daughter. She thought I should have waited until I got home and then called her to raise my concerns.

I explained what had happened, and stated while I thought it was rude and fairly unpleasant behaviour on her DDs part and she needed a reminder that you shouldn't speak to adults like that, I didn't think it warranted a phone call home after the party (and hours after the "incident") as that was just making a mountain out of a molehill. Had the girl's mother been there, I would have mentioned what had happened.

I imagine her DD would probably have forgotten all about the incident by the end of the party, and would have been a bit confused as to what the fuss was about.

Was I unreasonable? I really genuinely don't think I was.

I would expect any other adult to have acted similarly if my DD had spoken to them like this (and would have been fairly mortified that she had done so).

TBH, I think I should just avoid play dates with DD and this girl, as I will not have a child in my house who I cannot even ask to behave in an acceptable manner in my own home in case her parents are upset by this.

Tail that's exactly what op did!

BratinghamPalace Sun 02-Mar-14 01:03:22
"OP - I agree to disagree. I have never and will never reprimand someone else's child. I know that is not a popular way on MN but there you go. It would be a shame to have everyone agree with you!!!"

So how do you manage playdates and parties in your own home? Do you just allow the bossy or aggressive child to walk all over the quiet and well behaved child? What do you do if a child starts hitting another child and the parent is not in view? Just let them get on with it? How protected do your own children feel if you never speak up? And how happy are other children to come to your parties?

Note that this was a similar situation to what would happen if a child had been left in your home without a carer: the mother wasn't there and the granny didn't notice, so it was not a case of cutting in across somebody's parenting.

I am a firm believer in the It takes a village-concept. This has worked very well in my local community for many years and tbh I think it has been a social asset to my children that dh and I are perceived to be firm but fair: we don't let anyone hurt or upset or bully anybody else.

However much you sugar coat it you never know how the child's response is going to be. Others might not be as nice as the op.

Exactly, there are some nasty violent people about and if the child pulled this stunt on them...

Definitely not unreasonable but I probably would have mentioned to granny or made a point of calling the mum.

All this kind hands stuff is more suitable to a preschooler. A school age child is perfectly able to understand please don't talk to me like that, it's rude. There are no difficult concepts to digest, it's fairly self explanatory. A child of that age should understand what rude is. If parents teach 3 year okds about the biological terms of their body, then they can fully understand at 5 what rude is!

Hindsight is a great thing, she could have say this or that. But many who are saying this work with children so have a bank of knowledge of how to word things for young parents. Which mere parents dont.

Personally I don't think ywbu, you made your point to the child that she was being rude and unkind and what's wrong with saying it how it is. The girl came over to you and poke you and "boast" therefore she needed a response to you if you didnt like what she was doing.

Sorry distracted by young child ....try again
Hindsight is a great thing, she could have say this or that. But many who are saying this work with children so have a bank of knowledge of how to word things for young children, which mere parents dont.

Personally I don't think ywbu, you made your point to the child that she was being rude and unkind and what's wrong with saying it how it is. The girl came over to you and poke you and "boast" therefore she needed a response from you if you didnt like what she was doing.

YANBU.

If it had been my child, I would have been happy for you to say what you have said. It would have reinforced my own values and we would have been singing from the same hymn sheet.

I would not normally reprimand another person's child. But I think this case is different for two reasons. First, the incident involved you directly; you weren't butting in on a situation. The problem came to you, so to speak. Second, you were firm but gentle; it doesn't sounds like you were harsh or over the top.

Tailtwister at no point did i say you had suggested this. I said other posters had. I did not suggest, think or imply you had done this. The post I quoted is not yours, nor did I attribute it to you.

I replied to your post disagreeing with me by posting the quote from Lurking as illustrating the fact that some posters have indeed suggested that it is never ok to 'discipline' someone elses child.

I did not say you believed this. I did not attribute those remarks to you. I did not make any personal attack on you.

Where I disagreed with you is in your labelling the OPs comments harsh, unkind and inappropriate for a child.

I have not claimed you said at any time that it is wrong to disclipline anothers child. Before you attack me, perhaps you could read what I actually wrote.

But that really is saying exactly the same thing, isn't it

It is saying almost the same thing. The OP called her for teasing when what she was actually doing was gloating so I wouldn't have said exactly the same thing. However, yes, as I said, I would have addressed it in very similar words.

If you then sought the child out afterwards as you suggest to let her know it was the actions you disliked, not her, you would be making even more of a mountain out of it.

That would depend entirely on how I handled it wouldn't it? I certainly wouldn't be starting another conversation about her manners if that's what you mean. That wouldn't rebuild bridges at all.

There are a myriad ways you can engage briefly with a child to repair a relationship in those circumstances. A smile and a well targeted compliment or word of praise could do the trick perfectly well but how I did it would depend on the circumstances.

It's just not the same, speaking to other children, as correcting your own.

Children at parties can get really over-excited. This was a five year old who bounced up to a lady she thought she knew and said and did something inappropriate (I very much doubt she actually poked her in a nasty way, more touched her to get her attention).

Children have done similar things age 5/6 at my children's birthday parties. One child once said 'your toys are a bit rubbish' to my dd - I left her to deal with it. 'I don't want to play party games, they are for babies'- same, a bright 'well, who would like to play?' is fine. Children eat with their fingers, get down without asking, run around rather wildly. I once went to a party in which children were encouraged to play a nerf gun fight and it descended into rolling around on the floor fighting (I did pluck my own child out of that one).

They may even say 'ha, ha', your child came last' or whatever- I don't read that as calculated gloating, I read it as the sillliness that goes along with a birthday party.

The only time I would ever be firm like that is in relation to stopping other children getting hurt and have done so. Everything else, it's not my role at a party and parties in general involve a lot of general bad manners!

My dd's were called a name by one of our relatives in a stressful moment recently- it wasn't 'rude' but along the lines of 'silly'. They now don't want to go there again. There is a whole deal of difference between your parents who you see every day saying 'you are being very silly' and a relative who they don't know well saying the same, especially in a cold way.

Nothing anyone says convinces me the OP was right to dress down an overexcited five year old over her silly comment, and the fact that the mum rang up from home (which I wouldn't do) suggests she upset the child far more than a quick 'don't be rude' would from your own parent.

Where exactly did the OP discipline the child? Surely discipline requires some sort of punishment such as time out, or taking away a favourite toy or activity?

All the OP did was tell the child that she was being rude and unkind - both statements of fact and entirely appropriate given the circumstances.

Incidents with children of this age need dealing with quickly, and in a way that is to the point. Then it is over with. There is no point in dragging it out. There was no need for any punishment and OP didn't give any. She just gave a short, appropriate response to being prodded and interrupted.

Do you know what adoptmama life's too bloody short to go and trail back through all your posts. I take your word for it, you weren't attacking me.

OP's comment WERE harsh, unkind and inappropriate for a child. That is my opinion and I believe I'm able to express it on an open forum?

You can express it, and we can roll our eyes at it in return, yes.
Got to love open forums!

It was at a five year old's birthday party. They are usually crazy and full of kids running around shrieking, eating with their mouths full, singing songs like 'I beat you' or 'I can jump higher than you' on the bouncy castle or whatever.

Not the time for good manners or for reprimands.

Crap.
Ignoring bad behaviour does no one any favours, especially the child.

Why shouldn't people have good manners all the time? You can still have plenty of fun and have good manners at the same time. I manage it. My kids manage it.

So, at a child's fifth birthday party, if a child got down from the table without asking, you'd mention it? If a child said 'I don't like this food' you'd tell them it was rude and that the right thing thing to say was nothing? Lots of five year olds boast- my dad does this, I have got that, do you also tell them they are rude?

I have never seen other parents doing this type of thing at parties of little children.

My children are extremely well mannered, that's because I say things to them, but I don't, in general, interfere with other people's children or see that as my role unless, as I say, they are hurting others or perhaps if I knew them very very well and were staying with us.

But OP didn't "interfere" with other people's children. She was poked. Her child was ridiculed.

Don't worry, OP.

The results are in:-

YANBU 166 YABU 5

Get down from table , wouldn't care.
Didn't like food? Fine, why should they like it?
Poking an adult in the stomach? All kinds of wrong and potentially risky not to chastise.

I wasn't talking about table manners. That's an entirely different thing imo.

I'd expect a 5/6 year old to know how to talk politely to an adult and that does not involve poking them or interrupting them. Tbh usually I'll just reinforce what the good behaviour is that I want - such as asking them to wait until I am finished talking.

I like what Gold said - pull them up on the behaviour but that doesn't mean you can't then praise them for doing something nice/kind/right.

I do it all the time at school. Child gets told off for interrupting and then 5 minutes later is getting praise for putting their hand up and waiting their turn.

op you were not unreasonable at all.

and i am.glad i dont have friends with the attitude that good manners and behaviour dont matter at parties! they most certainly do.

my ds4 turns 6 this month and we have been to several parties for 5/6yr olds in the last month or so and thankfully bad behaviour and rudeness has not been tolerated.

yes children get excitable and can be boisterous etc at parties but that doesnt excuse bad manners.

The child wasnt really boasting, the child was ridiculing another child for coming last to their parent.