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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask my husband to stop shouting and swearing at me and the children?

102 replies

bella1968 · 28/02/2014 12:15

it's been a rocky few years, he's got a temper and sometimes it flares up for no reason and that's when he's in work. When he's out of work you just can't speak to him without him shouting and swearing at me or the children and it might be something that we haven't done like go to bed early, get up, be late with the lunch for the children, getting them to bed on time i.e. not late, not taking out the bins, folding up the gym shorts in their rooms and not leaving them downstairs where he'd planned to pack them in the morning! or didn't get any bread from the shop (when he's at home all day and could have got it himself!) I never know what he's going to be like and it's always my fault or the children's. He reduces my son to tears and my daughter wants us to get a divorce.

He agrees it's not right to swear or shout he doesn't want to but then we should stop making him angry so that's ok then isn't it!! he won't get a supermarket job for the time being to tide us over only a 'proper job'. We are struggling to pay the bills, only just made the mortgage this month and we are in debt. How can I make this man grow up and realise his responsibilities and stop sitting constantly on the settee playing his ipad and watching tv!

I'd appreciate any comments on this I know there are others out there in similar situations but I can't help feel guilty that maybe it is my fault and I should toe the line more?

Thanks.

OP posts:
Pumpkinpositive · 28/02/2014 12:18

He sounds like a gem. I think your daughter has it in a nutshell.

Do you work? I'm assuming he is currently unemployed and you are paying the mortgage? Are both your names on the title deeds?

Finola1step · 28/02/2014 12:18

It's not your fault.

You can not make him grow up.

You can not change him or his behaviour.

He is abusing you and the children.

Listen to your children.

He needs to go.

I can be no clearer than that.

TheScience · 28/02/2014 12:20

He sounds like a millstone round your neck. Does he bring anything positive to any of your lives?

bluecheque4595 · 28/02/2014 12:20

I sympathise, can't speak to dh without him getting all defensive/ aggressive at the moment if I dare to ask him to do some housework while he is unemployed and i am working long hours at antisocial times to make ends meet.

Could you discuss the trigger points and just agree to back each other up, and find ways to discipline the children that don't involve sweary shouty Daddy? What we do with our ds (who shouts, we shout, and it escalates like a nuclear war) is, I try to consistently punish him via getting him to sit down and write down, i have done x, I realise now that was the wrong thing to do, i will try to avoid doing x in future. So I just say (or shout) "Write an essay!". Would only work if children are old enough to write of course.

I guess your dh is probably feeling very guilty and overwhelmed and so is retreating into ipad, Telly. Sorry. Hope he finds work soon.

eightandthreequarters · 28/02/2014 12:21

Listen to your daughter and LTB. You are leaving your children in a place where they are being abused, not to mention yourself. Call Womens Aid as a first step. www.womensaid.org.uk/

tethersend · 28/02/2014 12:21

YABU.

You don't need to ask.

You need to leave.

Mintyy · 28/02/2014 12:23

Listen to your daughter.

ProfessorSkullyMental · 28/02/2014 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummymeister · 28/02/2014 12:30

Ask away OP but he wont stop. this is who he is. he has no reason to change because the sun still rises and sets, you all tip toe round him and he sits on his arse playing games or watching TV. working in a supermarket is a proper job, it pays proper money. it might not be the job he sees himself in but so what. sure you can sit down with him and talk about it but he will not change. say that to yourself over and over again, he will not change. you are the adult in this relationship take control and leave him. your kids are miserable you are miserable and not once in your post do you say you love or respect him.

hellsbellsmelons · 28/02/2014 12:34

Call Women's Aid and tell them your story.
This is abuse pure and simple and your children are being abused as well.
You need to get an exit plan together and Women's Aid can help you with that.
Call them 0808 2000 247.
If you can't get through keep trying or send them an email.
You do NOT have to live like this.
It is completely and utterly unacceptable.

bluecheque4595 · 28/02/2014 12:37

Can I just post from my own experience here and say to people, is the solution really divorce? Because if he is this monster, what does divorce do? It means Mum is free of him but the kids are not, the courts will grant a weekend at his once a week or fortnight. Monster shouty Daddy, now feeling rejected and hating Mummy and taking it out on the kids, is that really the best way to make the childrens lives better? It is like saying, this man is a terrible Dad, let us give him a reason to feel aggrieved, angry and rejected and then leave him alone with the children who he has a track record of shouting at but this time without access to mum any more who might protect them and be on their side.

I am speaking entirely from my own very miserable experience of a dad like this and a Mum who thought she was doing the right thing leaving him. I am sure for her life was one long song once she washed him out of her hair. But to us life was really crap going to his place once a fortnight.

I just think "LTB" is a kneejerk brainless reaction, that does not have the childrens best interests at heart. Mums yes, kids no.

pointythings · 28/02/2014 12:39

He refuses to get a job? Sling him out. He's contributing nothing at all to your family, so he doesn't deserve to be part of it.

Don't toe the line, he is the one who is behaving unacceptably, not you.

pointythings · 28/02/2014 12:40

blue at the moment his children are living with him 24/7. I think fortnightly would be an improvement. And since he is abusive, the OP can work to limit contact to supervised contact - he reduces OP's DS to tears - how is that not abusing his children?

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 28/02/2014 12:44

You can't "make him grow up"

You can only leave him, and try to improve your life and your DC's in a home that is free from abuse, or stay with him, for more of the same.

Gowaygoway · 28/02/2014 12:44

You have described my late father. I am still resentful that my Mum stayed with him, and therefore we had to stay with him. My father's temper has had a huge impact on who I am as an adult. Get rid, for your children's sake.

AnyFuckerHQ · 28/02/2014 12:44

What do you suggest then, blue. That OP stays with an abuser who makes her and the kids miserable ?

Better the kids see him once a week than the current 24/7 they are exposed to this toxic relationship

DomesticDisgrace · 28/02/2014 12:44

Why do you allow him to abuse your children?? It's your job to protect them!

OpalQuartz · 28/02/2014 12:45

If he still shouts when he only sees the kids once a week or fortnight they can vote with their feet. I wish I had had that option when my dad should have divorced my mum but didn't. Instead I had to put up with my mum's behaviour full time

zzzzz · 28/02/2014 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lottiedoubtie · 28/02/2014 12:50

The daughter sounds quite mature- how old are the children OP? Surely there age would influence how seriously any court would take their opinions on whether or not they want to stay with him regularly?

And yes, I agree with everyone else, better to be exposed to an abusive bastard once a fortnight than every day.

And if he doesn't get himself sorted with work/somewhere decent to live they may not have to stay at all.

Lottiedoubtie · 28/02/2014 12:51

Why do you allow him to abuse your children?? It's your job to protect them!

Be fair, that's his job as well. I don't think victim blaming is helpful.

Puttheshelvesup · 28/02/2014 12:52

My dh was like this at times towards me, not the dc, and he would always apologise afterwards and say he would try harder not to do it. This went on for 7 years until MN persuaded me to give him an ultimatum.

I told him his behaviour was disrespectful and unacceptable, and demanded he leave and not come back until he had sought professional help. He went to his mum's and phoned 4 therapists the next day.

He was willing to acknowledge that he was being a bully and the reality of losing his family was a massive shock. He has not done it since (about a year). We've had many other problems since, but we've both been really respectful and considerate when dealing with them.

Without an ultimatum with which you are prepared to follow through your dh has no real motivation to change.

bluecheque4595 · 28/02/2014 12:53

I guess I assume that people who post OPs like this are expecting us to read assuming some context, like she married him and loves him, so I guess I hope for marriage counselling, some kind of reasonable resolution that doesn't involve LTB.

He has been sacked, it is horrible being sacked, it is horrible feeling like you cannot provide for your family. I guess he feels useless enough as it is without his wife throwing him out and threatening divorce. I am a hopeless idealist, sorry. I just hate divorce with a passion.

I disagree with the idea that the children being alone with someone who is like my Dad (cos I dont know the dh in the OP story, i can only go on my experience) is better than being with both parents week in week out. Being alone with a self pitying, angry monster of a Dad is not good. To put it mildly.

DomesticDisgrace · 28/02/2014 12:56

lottie he's the one abusing them! I'm not victim blaming, the children are the real victims here.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 28/02/2014 12:59

LTB is the only reasonable solution when dealing with an abuser, blue.

It removes spouse and DC from an abusive household, and is the only action that might (slim chance) motivate the abuser to change.

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