Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask my husband to stop shouting and swearing at me and the children?

102 replies

bella1968 · 28/02/2014 12:15

it's been a rocky few years, he's got a temper and sometimes it flares up for no reason and that's when he's in work. When he's out of work you just can't speak to him without him shouting and swearing at me or the children and it might be something that we haven't done like go to bed early, get up, be late with the lunch for the children, getting them to bed on time i.e. not late, not taking out the bins, folding up the gym shorts in their rooms and not leaving them downstairs where he'd planned to pack them in the morning! or didn't get any bread from the shop (when he's at home all day and could have got it himself!) I never know what he's going to be like and it's always my fault or the children's. He reduces my son to tears and my daughter wants us to get a divorce.

He agrees it's not right to swear or shout he doesn't want to but then we should stop making him angry so that's ok then isn't it!! he won't get a supermarket job for the time being to tide us over only a 'proper job'. We are struggling to pay the bills, only just made the mortgage this month and we are in debt. How can I make this man grow up and realise his responsibilities and stop sitting constantly on the settee playing his ipad and watching tv!

I'd appreciate any comments on this I know there are others out there in similar situations but I can't help feel guilty that maybe it is my fault and I should toe the line more?

Thanks.

OP posts:
FunLovinBunster · 28/02/2014 12:59

When your kids are asking for you to divorce and they're being verbally abused by a parent IT'S TIME TO LEAVE.
WTF are you waiting for??
Pack his stuff throw him out.

Puttheshelvesup · 28/02/2014 13:05

blue, it sounds like you think the op should just take whatever behaviour he throws at her and the dc, as it's not his fault because he feels bad about his work situation, and it would be unfair of her to make him look at his bullying behaviour in case it hurt his feelings even more!

What about the OP's feelings when he screams and swears? And the dc's feelings when he bullys them too? Not to mention the horrendous example he is setting his dc for their own future relationships. This daily misery is preferable to you than divorce, is it?

Finola1step · 28/02/2014 13:06

How are you doing Bella?

bluecheque4595 · 28/02/2014 13:08

I don't know, Puttheshelvesup, I don't know enough of the OPs story to say what path would better, she is a stranger to me.

I have a blind spot when it comes to divorce, I freely admit.

It seems LTB is a kneejerk reaction, about as sensible and constructive as Murder the Bastard. But nobody says MTB because it is illegal. I assume, if I were the OP anyway, I assume the OP wants some thoughtful replies and to me, LTB is not a thoughtful or practical solution.

But thats just me.

Puttheshelvesup · 28/02/2014 13:09

blue I think idealist is not the term you are after, perhaps prefers to live in denial would be more apt.

sisterofmine · 28/02/2014 13:11

i have never said this and meant it until today.... Leave the bastard

livenlet · 28/02/2014 13:13

Sounds awful walking on egg shell is healty for no one , you cant change him or make him realise what an ass he is unfortunatly , he is the most important person in his life not your children , your dauhter is learning its ok to be with a sefish bully good luck I think you need it

HauntedNoddyCar · 28/02/2014 13:15

I can see what blue's getting at. LTB removes the dc from living with the angry man but it means the dc will be spending time with him without the comfort blanket of their mother and while he's even angrier and less predictable then he is now. Not great.

However I don't think staying in the hope it gets better is good either.

Leaving doesn't mean divorce but it might be a catalyst for change and the dc need to be kept away from unsupervised access until there's a change in him. Maybe he can change to save his family. The op can't make him change to

Puttheshelvesup · 28/02/2014 13:17

I'm not saying LTB, my knee has not jerked! My advice, based on what has worked for my family, is to force the dh to face up to hurt he is causing his family. If he refuses to acknowledge his bullying behaviour then he is not fit to live in the house with the OP and the dc, and must leave. Ultimately, the choice to preserve the family unit is his. It is not the family's role to take his abuse because he feels bad about work, or lack of.

FrigginRexManningDay · 28/02/2014 13:18

I don't think marriage counselling is recommended when there is abuse blue.

OP don't waste yours and your childrens lives tiptoeing on eggshells trying to predict his reaction. You can't. I wish you the best of luck and hope you find the strength to leave.

Puttheshelvesup · 28/02/2014 13:21

Are you actually likening divorce to murder????? Jesus wept!

bluecheque4595 · 28/02/2014 13:21

Probably, puttheshelvesup.

ForgettableTampon · 28/02/2014 13:43

Putting divorce on the same footing as murder? Shock

OP listen to your daughter

I am sorry for you and your children, living with a bully is dreadful

Good luck my dear

BlueStones · 28/02/2014 13:54

He agrees it's not right to swear or shout he doesn't want to but then we should stop making him angry so that's ok then isn't it!!

Bella, this is a classic abuser tactic - to make his behaviour all your fault. I have experienced it too, with a relative. The danger is that over time you may start to believe that if only you could be less annoying, less clumsy, less loud, then he won;t get angry. It's bullshit. Breathing makes this kind of man angry.

Get the hell out, is my advice.

Estrellita · 28/02/2014 14:03

This was entirely my situation growing up. Daily aggression, shouting, swearing, name calling, belittling. Occasional physical aggression designed to frighten and intimidate, like door slamming, plate breaking, being pushed and slapped about at times but threatened with worse. My father used to say the exact same thing...that it was our fault for getting on his nerves and making him angry. I used to beg my mum to leave. Finally she did, when I was 13 and my sister 10. Very good decision on her part, but unfortunately the damage had been done by that point and both my sister and I have mental health issues as a result. I have worked through a lot if stuff in therapy and am doing well, wish I could say the same for my sis. Sadly I don't think she will ever be alright. OP, please listen to your daughter and take this seriously. Good luck and take care.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/02/2014 14:06

I'm sorry you're in an abusive relationship. You can't make bullies grow up. All you can do is stand up to them. Don't tolerate his behaviour, reject it and reject him if necessary. Womens Aid are a good resource. 0808 2000 247

Stay safe

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 28/02/2014 14:38

Seriously? For the sake of your children tell this man to leave.

Essiebee · 28/02/2014 15:23

Being unemployed is possibly not your husband's fault, but it is definitely not yours.You are married to a bully, an angry bully and a lazy one, too. You need to keep your head down and grit your teeth while you research every possible option for you and your children; seek advice from official sources and work out your financial situation, then when you have made a plan, act, and swiftly; I don't think he will improve whether he works or not, and the situation is likely to degenerate. Do what is best for you and your children.

Topaz25 · 28/02/2014 15:40

This is emotional abuse. What are you getting out of this relationship? He isn't helping with the bills, he doesn't support you emotionally, he isn't making your or the children happy. It is not your fault or the children's and you don't deserve to live in fear. Do you have family or friends you could talk to? I agree with the advice to call women's aid.

Original poster
bella1968 · 28/02/2014 15:41

gosh, thank you all so much for replying to my message, it nearly made me cry that you'd taken the time to respond and that there's so much support out there.

puttheshelvesup, pointythings, anyfuckerhq - please don't argue with bluecheque4595, we have enough problems. I know you mean well but we all have our own experiences and opinions. I would hate to think that you were arguing over my seeking help/advise/support/comfort.

I am in touch with Greenwich DVA Services and am seeking help with legal and financial support/advice. I have taken the first step to being informed so that I can make my decision. I admire the women that have fronted up to their husbands/partners and gave them an ultimatum and am glad for those that it worked out for either way. I never thought I would be scared of anything really but I am scared if we stay together and scared if we split.

To those who mentioned 'love' I do love him but when he's being loving and nice towards me. There are those issues that I have never really thought he's pulled his 50% in a relationship with taking care of the kids and house but have tried over the last few years to let that go and be happy with whatever he's done to help. Some things are doomed. But what I really can't put up with is his behaviour, I've never been called vicious names and swore at by anyone else and to do that to the children also is beyond my understanding.

To those who clearly advised LTB ................. I won't leave, he has to as I won't disturb the lives that we have built up over the last 13 years in London, they have happy schooling, now a couple of evenings at a club, scouts, guides and I have a very good network of friends and a steady full-time job. I have put a lot of blood and sweat into my house to make it look good and it would break my heart and the stability of the children to have to leave. (I lived in the same house all my life until the age of 24 when I left home and felt a wonderful stability from that and want the same for my children), it's their home and it's what they know.

zzzzz - had to laugh at your post so thanks for that! ; )

domesticdisgrace - that's a very good question and one that I'm always thinking myself, however, the consequence to doing something about it after 8 years of marriage and a further 8 years of being together before that means that I'm not rushing into anything and have to consider all the facts legal or otherwise before I do anything that might be worse for us all. There are always 2 sides to consider.

My worst nightmare would be if we couldn't cope financially long term without his money. Although he's out of a job now (since September) he will work again i'm sure once he seeks help/counselling for his anger/feelings of desolution.

to the people who said he needs to "grow up" I totally agree unfortunately my husband disagrees with that comment as I've told him to grow up only to have the door shut in my face and him tell me to .... off!

Thanks again for all your support.

OP posts:
nennypops · 28/02/2014 15:50

I take it you've had the conversation with him about how you'll have no choice but to divorce him if he doesn't grow up and control his temper? If that doesn't work I suspect nothing will, and you will have to give serious consideration as to whether there is any benefit to you and the children in carrying on as you are. If you decide to split up but don't want to leave the house you'll need to see a solicitor about where to go next.

Original poster
bella1968 · 28/02/2014 15:57

nennypops - I need to find the courage to say it and mean it I'm afraid. Not sure whether I'm there yet

OP posts:
NewtRipley · 28/02/2014 15:57

What this boils down to is that you have a daughter who is old enough to say the words "divorce him" about the father who should love and respect her and her mother.

Think of the years he has been like this and she has felt the effects of it but hasn't been able to articulate it

NewtRipley · 28/02/2014 15:59

... and he makes your son cry. The person who should love nurture and support him makes him feel scared and sad.

Original poster
bella1968 · 28/02/2014 16:01

he says the way he is with our son is the only way to make him listen, I said it's not the right way, he said it works doesn't it?!

it's all just wrong and I know you're all right in what you say, it just makes me feel hopeless and alone. I never thought this would happen to me.

OP posts: