to ask my husband to stop shouting and swearing at me and the children?

[bella1968]

it's been a rocky few years, he's got a temper and sometimes it flares up for no reason and that's when he's in work. When he's out of work you just can't speak to him without him shouting and swearing at me or the children and it might be something that we haven't done like go to bed early, get up, be late with the lunch for the children, getting them to bed on time i.e. not late, not taking out the bins, folding up the gym shorts in their rooms and not leaving them downstairs where he'd planned to pack them in the morning! or didn't get any bread from the shop (when he's at home all day and could have got it himself!) I never know what he's going to be like and it's always my fault or the children's. He reduces my son to tears and my daughter wants us to get a divorce.

He agrees it's not right to swear or shout he doesn't want to but then we should stop making him angry so that's ok then isn't it!! he won't get a supermarket job for the time being to tide us over only a 'proper job'. We are struggling to pay the bills, only just made the mortgage this month and we are in debt. How can I make this man grow up and realise his responsibilities and stop sitting constantly on the settee playing his ipad and watching tv!

I'd appreciate any comments on this I know there are others out there in similar situations but I can't help feel guilty that maybe it is my fault and I should toe the line more?

Thanks.

I don't think asking this man to leave is the way forward. Why would he suddenly start to listen to one syllable from you? Get the authorities involved so you can force him to go. DV unit of the police is the first stop OP. Don't give him a choice and ask, he will be alerted to what's going on and escalate his abuse.

In domestic abuse situations like this can an abuser be forced to leave the family home or is it always the woman and dc who have to leave? If it's a joint mortgage what happens if the abuser refuses to leave?

Op what you and your dc are experiencing is utterly despicable and damaging beyond belief.

Your dh is their role model!

What are you teaching your dd? That we all must cowtow to the big sweary bully who sits around all day and if we make him angry it's our fault?

What are you teaching your son? Behaving badly like this works because everyone is trying to keep the sweary angry monster happy rather than having a fun and loving home life?

What a miserable home life and you are perpetuating it by putting up with it and allowing yourself to be treated like this, not only this but you are allowing this badtempered monster to ruin your dc's lives. You say you have a beautiful home. Really? Is it so beautiful you have to suffer so much for and have to walk on eggshells every day, is it really worth it?

I am sorry op but if my dh so much as swore once at either me or the dc I would be packing his bags or my own as I have zero tolerance to a lack of respect and you should too.

I think you should call a family meeting, invite him to it, have your dc and may be a family friend and say in a reasonable voice your concerns, how it cannot go on, how it is impacting on your lives, and your plan of action.

If you can't stomach that then all of you send him emails outlining what is and is not acceptable and list the consequences.

Please gain strength from the women here who have gone through it. Please don't put bricks and mortar above a cheerful, happy, loving and peaceful home life.

Your dc deserve so much more than this. They are only young once. You have a duty as a mother to make sure they feel loved, supported, safe and free from abuse.

You do not want them leaving home years later scarred from the miserable home life they had to endure for years.

You are responsible for them and you need to take action to change things for the better. They rely 100% on you for this. Don't waste any more time. Good luck x

Gosh, what you've written sounds so familiar to my childhood particularly the bit where he has a go about anything. I found it so damaging and had years of therapy to stop hating him (i'm now at that very happy stage of indifference). My mum finally divorcing him when I was 18 was the best thing she did and I wish she'd done it 10 years earlier.

I wish you all the best and please don't feel it is in any way your fault because its not, but you can help your children by protecting them.

Just wanted to say thanks for everyone that took the time to post, it's horrible and comforting to hear there those in a similar situation.I want to be as brave as those that told him to go.This morning my sons exhibiting the same sort of behaviour, it just makes me feel so helpless. I know I have to do something.I'm torn because one of my friends says he's like this because he's out of work and feels like his life has ended and a colleague says he can understand the world has ended for him and I have to be strong for him and the children.

Yet my neighbour, sister and mom who've all witnessed his temper say it's been going on for years of and on so it's not just because he's lost his job he can be like it when things don't go to plan and we are not on time for things like appointments, bed, meals, getting up etc.of course sex is a big thing for him and he mentions this at least twice a week as if he can shout and swear then stop for 2 weeks and expect everything to be ok and for me to want to go near him.

I guess it doesn't help that I don't fancy him, I think he's good looking but he's fat and that's a big thing for me.if he was pulling his weight over the period of our relationship and was a happy, positive person I'm sure things would have been different. He's wonderful and well loved by everyone that's friends with him but they don't see him at home and he can't try to control them if they are late or dictate to them when they should have their lunch and tea etc.

When the children came along in 2003 he spent the weekends and one evening playing cricket, as we only had one car I had to take him and collect him and if we wanted to see him or him see us we had to stay there. He spent the 3 years I was off work doing that 12-10 both days so all the days weren't different to the working week.......he wasn't around!

He said he'd start to take care of our home when we started owning our home in 2003 which I understood to mean cleaning it also but that never changed.he says he never did the cooking or cleaning in the past because he didn't want to interfere and when he did it I criticized him.I think he should man up and say well this is the way I'm doing it if you don't like it then do it again.but he never did all those years and now he does the cooking not cleaning but still moans that I'm not happy when I point out it's a fatty meal.the reason I'm doing it is to educate him into healthy meals because we are trying to loose weight.

Last night my friend who has looked after the children in the past said you're coming to boxing with me.I text him to say I was out and text me back saying I can't because he's out already.so I organised for my friend to have them texted him back and said you don't need to take them.I asked why he said he wasn't going out he was testing me to see if I gave a damn about him by letting him know and not taking him for granted.only it was all decided at the last minute and I knew he was I and told him as soon as I knew!
In the end he wouldn't let me take them and as he'd not given them tea I couldn't.as it happened my friend had done my daughter's favourite meal and they missed out on a night of fun with 3 boys.

This morning he's already mad at me. : (

OP - I have been through/am going through similar. My H is just an angry man. He overreacts massively. To everything. He's led a charmed life and reacts like a complete spoilt brat to even the slightest frustration. He swears/shouts constantly.

We had "the talk" 2 years ago whereby I told him he either changed or we left. To be fair to him, he is better than he was but he still has his moments. I don't love him. I certainly don't respect him The point another poster made about not wanting to put the dc's through seeing him without me there if we did split, resonated. It has been a consideration. I do step him when he kicks off. I can't do that if I'm not around

I've told him I want to separate. We are living separate lives in the same house. We haven't had sex for 18 months. We go out separately (apart from the odd occasion with the dc's). I'm a bit stuck practically and financially for various reasons but to me, my marriage is dead and I will go as soon as I'm able. Does that make me selfish? Perhaps it does

I do think that if a couple split up and the kids only see the aggressive partner once a week or fortnight, that the aggressive parent is more likely to make an effort not to be aggressive when they do see the kids than if they live with them full time. In any case, the kids could vote with their feet if aggression continued. I'm not sure it's a good reason to stay with someone that the kids would have to see them on their own if they split.

I have no experience but can hold your hand if that's any help, sorry your going through this.

Only advice would be contact woman's aid. Can you document any of his behaviour with police on non emergency line? Your neighbour is a witness, could they give a statement? Could you speak to police domestic abuse team, ask their advice?

You have to leave this abusive relationship, your dd is right. Put your kids first and chuck him out, or if not move you cannot go on like this.

Sorry I know everyone has different circumstances. I'm talking more generally and also basing it on my own experience growing up

Others have given great advice, woman's Aid, police please think carefully about the way forward

I'm sorry, but your friend is wrong. His world hasn't ended, he has lost his job. It happens. You've been carrying him ever since and he has done nothing to pick himself up and sort himself out. There are no excuses - I have a cousin who has struggled with depression all her life and has severe physical health issues too - nevertheless she has worked her socks off in menial temporary jobs to get work in the field she studied in, and is managing to do that and sustain a loving relationship too. Your DH has an utterly cushy life by comparison.

He's mad ad you? I hope you are starting to feel some anger towards him, and that it will galvanise you into making some major changes.

Tillyscoutsmum, how have you managed? I think that's extremely brave, doesn't he know how you feel?

Oh I'm really sad to read that Tillyscoutsmum . I remember all the lovely plans for your wedding. How awful these angry men are!

bella - it's not been easy. There is a constant tension and obviously he's got more to be "angry" about now. He knows our marriage is over. We are effectively separated (free to see other people etc). I just can't actually leave yet He doesn't understand what he's done wrong. He's always been "ranty" so doesn't get why I want out now. It just grinds you down, y'know? Over the years, the constant ranting has just made me lose respect for him. It used to be quite amusing sometimes. In a Basil Fawlty kind of way. But when it's day in, day out and everything is just so joyless, it's vile. And some of the things he's said to the dc's have been unforgivable :-(

Hi Minty It is sad. Such a waste but I just know that if I have to spend the next 40 odd years with him, I'd go insane :-(

Tillyscoutsmum, is there a way I can message you more privately? I'd really like your help as you are going through the same. I understand if not. B

Sure. I'm not sure how much help I'll be. I'm a long way from being sorted but by all means, PM me

My heart goes out to you and your poor DC. Financial stress and worry can rock even the most stable of relationships. Sounds like yours isn't stable.

Has he always been like this or was a gradual thing or did a life event happen (such as job loss etc) to trigger this man's anger? Maybe you (HE) needs to address what it is that makes him so angry.

There are a number of ways of tackling the issue. One is to say calmly that until your DH acknowledges his behaviour and the effect it is having on you and your children, then you refuse to speak to him until he finds a way to communicate effectively. Easier said than done but if his voice is full of anger then you needen't put up with it. Just let him have his rants and let it fall on your 'deaf' ears.

The other thing to do is to make him 'feel' he has responsibilities too i.e. don't make his lunch, don't put the bins out, don't fold his shorts and leave them where he expects them to be left. He's a grown man who should be able to do these things for himself. Point blank refuse to pander to him any more until he realises duties need to be shared.

Suggest he seeks counselling (he will not like this one bit) and explain that if he cannot find a way to address his anger issues then you have no choice but to go somewhere where you and your kids feel safe and secure. If he refuses to go, take the kids and yourself to a friend or relative to stay with for a while and explain that if he isn't willing to change then leaving for good is the only option you have been left with.

And yes, he is abusing your family. Seek organisations and charities that deal with this sort of abuse for advice. Good luck

thanks McNickenChuggets, I am seeking help and hope to get legal advice soon. I spoke to himthis morning regarding getting help and said that I just couldn't cope with his behaviour any longer. He's trying to blame it all on my of course but I knew he'd do this. He's saying that he needs my support and we all ride roughshod over him and treat him like dirt. Knew this would happen too. I'm done with mind games, never thought this would happen to me but I'm really fed up with it all now and tired of being judged and messed around with. The major thing that stumps me is that he still doesn't know why we're not having sex!!!! he's out of his mind, who would go near him after being called a F* C**!! not me that's for sure.

He obviously does not find his own behaviour disrespectful or perhaps he does not think you need to be treated any better. Either way it is not what long term loving marriages are about and so being fed up is a good starting point to clawing back your self respect.

Only when you take stock, take control and put the happiness of your dc and yourself first will you realise you have played it his way for too long and it has got you nowhere but more misery.

Your way will bring the shiny hope back to your dc's lives and your own. Your dh's way has brought you all nothing but pain and suffering.

Excellent op to know enough is enough and you are going to lead your dc out into the sunshine by being brave enough to do it on your terms. Your dc depend soley on you so well done for starting the long haul towards ay better

It's ridiculous.we've done a bit of texting today my husband and I and I thought I'd made it pretty clear what I wanted! Of course he's ranting and venting and of course it's all my fault.......so what's new there!? But early this evening when I was still at work he tested to ask what time I would be home and should he find somewhere else to live? I said that it would be a good idea to stay with family until he feels better to which he replied f* off! He said that if he left he would never come back.I didn't waver and said that he asked so I answered.he went out tonight I hadn't seen him and I know he's particular about knowing my plans so I told him my weekend plans to which he said where does he fit into that? ! I couldn't respond I was speechless.......I don't think he's understanding me and how serious I am!!?

I think he does understand. He is just not willing to accept it.

This is where you have to stand your ground.

I don't mean to sound disrespectful or pratonise but yes he is completely out of his mind! You don't need to tell him his plans if 1) they don't concern him and 2) he is going to talk to you like c**p!

He is actually making me feel angry at what he put. He might be particular about knowing your plans.... Not because he cares what you're doing but because he sounds like he is trying to mentally 'own' you. He use whatever you say as a way to manipulate you.

DO NOT tell him your plans in future unless they really do concern him. Otherwise he will think he has a 'right' to your thoughts, your time, knowing what you are up to etc and it isn't a right to be allowed into someone's life but a priveledge. He should feel priveledged to have a wonderful person such as yourself who works hard as well as raises a family in a loving manner. He doesn't own you, he no longer has any 'rights' to your business but he does have responsibilities to his family. I think you should tell him to mind his own next time he asks you. That will spell out the message loud and clear that you are serious about having time apart

Patronise and sorry your plans

This was me for 12 years I left last July. you need to do the same for you and your children.