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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask my husband to stop shouting and swearing at me and the children?

102 replies

bella1968 · 28/02/2014 12:15

it's been a rocky few years, he's got a temper and sometimes it flares up for no reason and that's when he's in work. When he's out of work you just can't speak to him without him shouting and swearing at me or the children and it might be something that we haven't done like go to bed early, get up, be late with the lunch for the children, getting them to bed on time i.e. not late, not taking out the bins, folding up the gym shorts in their rooms and not leaving them downstairs where he'd planned to pack them in the morning! or didn't get any bread from the shop (when he's at home all day and could have got it himself!) I never know what he's going to be like and it's always my fault or the children's. He reduces my son to tears and my daughter wants us to get a divorce.

He agrees it's not right to swear or shout he doesn't want to but then we should stop making him angry so that's ok then isn't it!! he won't get a supermarket job for the time being to tide us over only a 'proper job'. We are struggling to pay the bills, only just made the mortgage this month and we are in debt. How can I make this man grow up and realise his responsibilities and stop sitting constantly on the settee playing his ipad and watching tv!

I'd appreciate any comments on this I know there are others out there in similar situations but I can't help feel guilty that maybe it is my fault and I should toe the line more?

Thanks.

OP posts:
ouryve · 28/02/2014 16:01

When your daughter is telling you to LTB, you know she has a point.

NewtRipley · 28/02/2014 16:04

And the point someone made earlier about your daughter learning that women have to tiptoe around men to keep them happy.

Melonbreath · 28/02/2014 16:05

He's not going to change. He's a selfish knob. You're either going to have to put up with him and probably have very unhappy kids who will grow into very damaged adults and a breakdown yourself or find a life without him.
I would listen to your daughter.

i had a father like this. My sister now has eating disorders and ocd with self harming and i am a total doormat who married someone totally self obsessed (but mostly lovely) and have no backbone or self confidence. I can't walk into a room full of people i don't know without feeling sick.

RiverTam · 28/02/2014 16:07

your children don't have any 'wonderful stability' living in the family home as it stands. There is no stability in the situation you describe - there is fear, and anger and resentment - but stability? Do you really think so?

LimitedEditionLady · 28/02/2014 16:11

Its a hard decision OP,you are not to blame and you are also a victim of him and I dont think it is fair to.say you arent protecting your children,im sure you have tried to resolve this.This is the thing,you are meant to be a family unit,no one should be protecting anyone else from another person in that unit.That is an unhealthy environment.I think if possible would it be a good idea to tell him to move out for a while to sort himself out and give everyone a break.Tell the kids that this is to try and sort things out to be a unit.Theyve already seen angry daddy so show then that adults can try to sort issues out.

ouryve · 28/02/2014 16:13

Hopefully the services you have contacted will be able to give you advice on making him leave. You're taking steps in the right direction bella. Be strong.

Original poster
bella1968 · 28/02/2014 16:18

thanks, I hope I can be strong.

rivertam - I understand, you are right no stability, but there will be once he's gone.

melonbreath - sorry had to laugh, haven't heard anyone being called a selfish knob in a long time and you are spot on.

Sorry to hear the rest, I'll bear this in mind, to avoid it.

If we separate I'll be getting counselling for the children also. At the moment they have someone they can talk to so it's covered.

OP posts:
CHJR · 28/02/2014 16:20

Can I just point out that explosive anger can be a sign of depression, esp in men? Anti-depressants can help a lot in helping a person step back from their own overreactions and break a pattern that risks becoming entrenched.

Your main issue here is simple: will he recognise a problem and work to find a solution, whether counselling or medication or squirting in the face (good one zzzz Grin)? If he cannot admit there's a problem, he can't resolve it. It may be he needs intervention by your giving an ultimatum (or by his own family perhaps?) to face up to the problem, but don't issue any threats you feel you can't follow up on. That would just teach him to pay no attention to what you say next time.

One ploy, not sure how you would achieve this unless you know someone who can help on the tech side, might be if you could video his rants and play them back to him later. It might shock him out of his complacency.

I would agree with others that you do have a duty to your children, but of course it's complicated. You don't want them to fall into poverty. You don't want them to lose someone who should be a lifelong support. (Has he been supportive when times were better? How good is his best compared with his worst?) Bear in mind, what's not good for your children is not good for you either.

NewtRipley · 28/02/2014 16:20

Good OP, sounds like you are moving in the right direction. It must be terribly hard

CHJR · 28/02/2014 16:24

Also consider: is he only like this within the family? Does he treat you all this way in front of others? Does he treat other people (shop assistants) this explosively? His parents or siblings?

NewtRipley · 28/02/2014 16:30

CHJR

I just deleted a long post about my dad.

You are right - anger and irritability is the first sign of depression in some men. Even though my dad's was successfully treated, the way he talks to my mum has become entrenched (and believe me, there was no sign of abusiveness prior to his Clinical Depression)

My fear for the OP is that this has been going on for too long, with no real acknowledgement from him that he is behaving abnormally. The uphill battle is to get him to acknowledge and seek treatment. In the meantime, those children are suffering.

Original poster
bella1968 · 28/02/2014 16:32

CHJR - No only to us at home in the house but our neighbour hears and is horrified!

OP posts:
NewtRipley · 28/02/2014 16:32

... and yes, you are also right that this may not even be depression. In any case, I am coming to the view that whatever the cause of his behaviour the effect warrants getting him to leave

NewtRipley · 28/02/2014 16:33

X post OP

NewtRipley · 28/02/2014 16:33

Does he drink?

Original poster
bella1968 · 28/02/2014 16:50

no doesn't drink or drugs, this is pure temper, he believes I don't care about him, he's texting at the moment and I'm stuck at work. Now I dont' want to go home!

I think this is getting out of my control now

OP posts:
Pawprint · 28/02/2014 16:57

My dad was (still is) like this. I grew up thinking it was normal and could sometimes be like this myself with dh. Dh soon put me right and I no longer shout or get temperamental.

My point is that your dh can choose to change his behaviour.

I love my dad very much, but his snappiness and short temper still upset me and I wish he wouldn't do it.

Pawprint · 28/02/2014 17:03

Just to continue about my dad (your post rang a bell for me) - his anger could be appalling. It wasn't physical, although he did once throw a drink in my face during an argument at the dining table - I was in my teens, I think.

He was very, very strict with me about my schooling. He bullied and threatened me with 'big trouble' if I didn't do well in my exams. I had to revise all weekend with no breaks and rarely went out with my friends.

I did do well in my exams, but I feel I would have still performed well with less pressure from him.

I had to go to university - he told me that. There were no other options, even though I actually wanted to go to art school. I sometimes wonder what would have happened had I rebelled - I don't think it would have gone well. To this day, friends of mine tell me I need to stick up for myself more with my parents.

The odd thing is that most of the time he is lovely and extremely caring - it's just that sharp tongue of his that reduces me to a trembling wreck :(

Goofymum · 28/02/2014 17:04

You have taken a massive step posting here and also contacting the appropriate DV help. It sounds as though you are a strong woman with some self esteem you're clinging on to. I agree with others that an ultimatum is needed here. It will be tough so get a plan in place before you start - can dcs stay with anyone this weekend? Have a think about it on your way home. My breakthrough (and my DH was nowhere near as abusive but did have anger issues and depression) was when I realised that I was in no way responsible for his happiness. An ultimatum and some time apart meant that he sorted himself out - counselling and therapy. It was a joint decision that he moved back in and all is good now. What I am trying to say is that it may all work out with the right help but you now control this and you have to believe that.

justmyview · 28/02/2014 17:18

Suggest you read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. It'll give you a massive insight into domestic abuse.

ProfessorSkullyMental · 28/02/2014 17:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
bella1968 · 28/02/2014 17:51

Thanks goofymum.at the moment im worried that he won't go if i ask him to.

OP posts:
baskingseals · 28/02/2014 17:56

Bella, you are not alone.

pointythings · 28/02/2014 18:18

OP, I think those of us who are saying LTB mean that he should be the one to leave, as he is the one who is behaving so awfully.

Glad to see you are taking steps though, and perhaps you should ask for this to be moved to Relationships where there are some very experienced people around who can also give practical advice.

Goofymum · 28/02/2014 18:34

If you're worried that he won't go if you ask him to then you will need to speak to the domestic violence helpline again to see what advice they give as I'm not sure. This is why I think it's best to get the kids off somewhere for the weekend so that you can sort this out. Don't back down either, don't let him persuade you round. You def need to be away from him while he sorts himself out. Have your plan worked out in your head, where is your safe place? Do you have friends you cd stay with in an emergency? I'm not suggesting you should be the one to leave but have a few escape routes.

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