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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think 'partner' means a cohabiting partner, not just boyfriend.

376 replies

fideline · 27/02/2014 19:29

This has twice caused major confusion recently.

I realise most of the time it doesn't really matter much, but referring to someone you are 'just' dating as your partner is confusing wrong.

Isn't it?

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 27/02/2014 20:59

Ah. You're beginning to see! That's not quite how the thread started out though was it? There was no misreading "just BF" in the title!

Original poster
fideline · 27/02/2014 21:00

Grennie I think you're right.

I can almost pinpoint the moment in 1995 when 'partner' became the polite term for cohabitees (we were still tutted at a lot in the 90s).

I've carried on using it that way, i think. But of course in 20 years language and uasge has moved on.

OP posts:
Thurlow · 27/02/2014 21:02

I know what you mean, OP. I don't like the word partner purely because it's used in a variety of different circumstances in a way that 'husband' and 'wife' aren't, which can lead to confusion and so it doesn't clearly say what I want it to say - which is to say this is the man I am in a long-term relationship with.

But generally I think partner should mean someone who you have in some way made a serious commitment to, whether that is having DC, living together, sharing finances, or something along those lines, something that to you as a couple means you are a committed couple. 'Boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' to me means someone you are seeing but you possibly haven't taken a step which to you means a more serious commitment.

AgathaF · 27/02/2014 21:02

Grennie - perhaps that is just your interpretation? I have a husband but don't feel especially smug about that fact.

Original poster
fideline · 27/02/2014 21:04

there was no just BF in the OP, bit

There was "just dating" (with the 'just' italicised to indicate not-total-seriousness) to contrast the bit before a boyfriend even becomes a boyfriend with (much later) committed relationship stage.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 27/02/2014 21:04

fide you might want to check the title of this thread again...

BitOutOfPractice · 27/02/2014 21:05

"to think 'partner' means a cohabiting partner, not just boyfriend."

Original poster
fideline · 27/02/2014 21:05

I am sticking to my guns that calling someone a partner in the first three months of a relationship is odd.

But I accept moving in together isn't necessarily the point at which things get serious and partnery.

OP posts:
Original poster
fideline · 27/02/2014 21:10

But a partner IS more serious than a boyfriend or girlfriend, isn't it? It's just when one becomes the other that people are arguing about?

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 27/02/2014 21:12

That's not what I'm arguing about. I'm arguing that you can be partners if you don't live together. Which is what you said in your OP

Now you seem to have moved the goalposts.

I think I either need more wine. Or less. I'm not sure which right now

Thurlow · 27/02/2014 21:13

Do you remember when you were kids and you asked each other if you were going out or going steady? Life would be so much easier!

Original poster
fideline · 27/02/2014 21:16

Bit I was asking not telling.

Showing your age there Thurlow Grin but yes i do and yes it would.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 27/02/2014 21:18

bows out feeling bemused

AnnabelleLee · 27/02/2014 21:19

so basically you have misunderstood the terminology and are pissing people off by seeming to impose your own defintions on to others?

yabvu. and a bit of a dick. I'd start backpedalling if I were you.

Original poster
fideline · 27/02/2014 21:20

Annabelle read the fucking thread. I was quite clearly asking if my understanding of the convention was right or not.

OP posts:
Thurlow · 27/02/2014 21:22

To be fair to fide, the majority of couples do cohabit so it wasn't a particularly narrowed-minded view to take.

With the benefit of hindsight we'd all write OP's that included all the scenarios we'd not come across before but would fit what we were thinking about.

worriedabout · 27/02/2014 21:23

Past a certain age 'boyfriend' seems very juvenile. My mum has recently started seeing someone and she refers to him as her 'friend' - clearly with a benefit or two but she is quite traditional so 'lover' would probably be irrelevant and 'partner' to formal.

I think of partner definitely implies a serious relationship. Maybe someone who was at least planning on living together.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/02/2014 21:25

No fide. You did not ask a question. In your OP you quite clearly state that calling someone you don't live with your partner is confusing and wrong.

That wasn't a question. It was a statement of your opinion.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/02/2014 21:26

And one which I would respect much more if you either stuck to it or said "OK, I stand corrected" rather than ducking and diving around it!

Original poster
fideline · 27/02/2014 21:26

Bit the name of the board is 'am i being unreasonable?' that is a question, you can't get more question-like than that.

Have another drink and pour me one, please.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 27/02/2014 21:28

Fide, you asked if it was unreasonable to hold that opinion. Becaue, presumably, that is your opinion.

I do know how AIBU works, despite my slightly tipsy state. If you knew how it worked, you wouldn't be surprised at a robust response

Original poster
fideline · 27/02/2014 21:29

Bit I have more or less said that.

We still don't have anything like a consensus though, so what I stand corrected on is thinking there was a convention/rules, when in fact there don't seem to be any rules. At all.

Do try to calm down Wine

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 27/02/2014 21:29

I agree that it's weird to refer to someone you don't live with as your partner.

It's as if some people think there's something wrong with just having a boyfriend or girlfriend and they're trying to validate the seriousness of their relationship.

Original poster
fideline · 27/02/2014 21:29

You're not being robust, you are being belligerent

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Original poster
fideline · 27/02/2014 21:31

Thanks worried and woowoo glad to hear it isn't just me.

I think, actually we need more different words, because there are so many different scenarios.

OP posts: