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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you shouldn't discipline another child...

382 replies

MogwaiTheGremlin · 27/02/2014 11:54

...unless it's something quite serious?

My ds is 19 months and this morning we went to a new playgroup for the first time so I didn't know any of the other mums. Ds went over to an older/bigger child and grabbed a toy car off him. The other child didn't seem too put out (no outraged squawk / crying) but I made my way over to return it to the child as he had clearly been playing with it. Before I got there the child's mother / carer had grabbed it back off ds and said quite loudly "No! Don't snatch. He was playing with it".

I was a bit miffed because I wouldn't discipline a child I didn't know and also I try to save "No" for serious crimes. We are teaching ds to pass things nicely (failed!) and an adult grabbing something sets a bad example. Also because she raised her voice a few people turned to look and it made ds' behaviour seem much worse than it was. Just a bit embarrassing as we were new.

I realise it's not a big deal but AIBU?

OP posts:
aderynlas · 28/02/2014 02:03

The other mummy didnt need to parent the op's child. There were so many better ways to deal with a toddler taking a car. What a way to welcome a new mum and toddler to playgroup.

Sillylass79 · 28/02/2014 02:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AveryJessup · 28/02/2014 02:32

The other woman overreacted. In her situation I would have just given my DS something else to play with to distract him. 19 month olds grab all the time. They have to learn not to but it's not her place to do that.

Hitting or biting is a different story because her child might have been hurt but swiping a toy? Just silly to shout at a little baby for that. I dread to think how she talks to her own son at home if she talks like that to a stranger's child in a play group.

It's so easy with babies this age - distraction works 90% of the time so why scold and shout?

MmmIceCream · 28/02/2014 04:07

Anon your SIL sounds like a PITA Grin

Shockers · 28/02/2014 07:14

That woman has just taught her older child that it is, in fact ok to snatch; shout as well, for good measure, if you're annoyed.
These will be great negotiating skills when he gets to school!

youarewinning · 28/02/2014 07:29

I actually agree with others that you will have to get used to others telling your child off and in their own way - which could well be different yours.

However I get exactly what your saying about the 'no'. If it's said continuously well it's yelled to stop them running into road, touching hot oven etc they don't always tune in as effectively.

So saying we don't snatch it's unkind, give the toy back, let's find another etc is effective. For some children handing back the toy is far more difficult than hearing no and having it done for them.

Goldmandra · 28/02/2014 08:05

What was the other woman supposed to say? Not the wet and pathetic "No darling we don't do that" in a simpering voice.

You seriously think there is no middle ground between this and snatching the toy back while raising your voice?

MiniSoksMakeHardWork · 28/02/2014 08:10

Yabu. In my experience most parents at toddler group will tell the child 'X, we don't snatch. Give it back' and make sure said child returns whatever it is. However, you were at a new group so I doubt the mother had remembered your dc's name. Maybe she could have been kinder in how she said it, ie no, we don't snatch instead of shouting. Although that could also be your perception. I know I've looked up when I've heard raised voices directed at my child. But she wasn't unreasonable to intervene if she was closer to the dc.

mumteedum · 28/02/2014 08:24

'ImE it ALWAYS, the shouty, aggressive parents who tell their children off like its going out of fashion that have the most problematic children and anyway who would not intervene when their child was attacking another '

^this.

Can't picture anyone shouting at 19mo at our playgroup. Just write it off and perhaps fund a diff group.

Peacocklady · 28/02/2014 08:27

The other mum was a bit quick off the mark especially if her child wasn't bothered.
I took my nephew to a play group the other day and quite a few kids took stuff off him but he wasn't bothered and we just went to something else. That's another valuable lesson, to find something else if someone wants what you've got so badly, don't fight over every little thing for the sake of it. Mum swooping in to tell off every child who takes something off their lo when they're not even fussed is a bit precious and ott.

TiggyCBE · 28/02/2014 08:29

YABU.

The other parent was perfectly correct in stopping your child's violent, destructive, aggressive and possibly drunken rampage.
Think about their child. A toy was wrenched from their grasp. They look at their parent knowing something unfair has occurred, with the expectation that they would make things all right again. The other parent can't just wait and hope that you would do something. In a lot of cases the toy snatchers parent wouldn't bother doing anything, or actually think their child's actions are forcefully proactive and a positive thing.

As I said before, YABU.

ComposHat · 28/02/2014 08:35

The parent might have been a bit sharp (don't know without hearing) but it was a situation where rapid action was needed and not one where you can muse for half an hour thinking 'how shall I play this?'

It was preferable to the op's inaction.

Peacocklady · 28/02/2014 08:36

Why was rapid action needed?

Bogeyface · 28/02/2014 08:51

Nicholas was a little shit darling at our playgroup whose mother had no control over him whatsoever. "Nicholas, dont do that darling...." resulted in Nicholas continuing to belt the victim of the day around the head with whatever toy that child had been playing with. She never said no, never did time out, never did anything effective at all.

He grabbed a large wooden train thing off DS (they were same age, 3, but Nicholas was very tall compared to the other kids) and when DS objected, Nicholas brought it down on DS's head with force. "Oh Nicholas dont, thats not nice!" was all his mother said in the face of DS screaming hysterically.

I snatched the train off Nicholas and said "NO! You DONT hit people!" and Nicholas went.....well fucking batshit would cover it. Nicholas's mummy was not happy and had a go at me for bullying! Upshot is that Nicholas was still a little shit but never went near DS again and once the other mums cottoned on and started pulling him up on his behaviour, he did behave better. Sadly Mummy thought he was being victimized, despite the fact that actually he was having a far nicer time being able to play with the other kids for a change, and stopped coming. I saw him recently at the age of 8 with her in tears of pain as he was kicking her in Aldi....and all she said was "Nicholas dont do that, it hurts mummy" and her older child was pulling apart a display basket. Silly woman.

ComposHat · 28/02/2014 08:55

Because one child was in the midst of wrestling the other child's toy from them. A conversation about it halfan hour later wouldn't remedy the situ.

Original poster
MogwaiTheGremlin · 28/02/2014 09:03

CompostHat you keep having a pop at me but I have repeatedly said I was on my way over to deal with it. As soon as the incident happened I made my way over. No I didn't leap / sprint / run because I didn't consider the incident serious enough to warrant such a response, especially because the older child wasn't bothered.

In the 2.5 hours I was there ds snatched one toy from another child. I also witnessed a child deliberately hitting it's mother in the face, another child biting someone and a toddler crashing into and upending a baby in a bumbo. Not to mention the usual tears because someone wasn't allowed another biscuit / someone didn't want to go back in their buggy etc.

Having re-read the thread I'm a bit depressed that the first people to respond accused me of being a shit parent and ds of being borderline delinquent. By all means disagree with my point of view (and lots of you do so I'll take that on board) but ds is 19 months old and I'm doing the best I can.

OP posts:
BertieBottsJustGotMarried · 28/02/2014 09:03

I do agree that it's annoying and not on when someone contradicts your rules/morals/values to DC especially when you've just stated your position and they heard it (less so if they didn't know!)

But I think when you share the same values you should be happy that someone else upheld them even if they did so more or less harshly than you would.

Bananapickle · 28/02/2014 09:04

I think YANBU as you were on your way over. I think other mothers should look for the other parent before doing anything. If there was no sign of you then fine she needed to handle it.
I actually think others have been a bit harsh to you. I only act if there is either no parent around or I know the child very well and I know the parent wouldn't object to my intervention.
It is hard in toddler group situations and I don't blame you for feeling a bit put out by this incident.

BertieBottsJustGotMarried · 28/02/2014 09:04

I think you sound like you're doing brilliantly Mogwai :)

Original poster
MogwaiTheGremlin · 28/02/2014 09:05

No ComposHat ds had already snatched the toy away so the (clearly quite considerable in your eyes) damage had been done.
You are the only one talking about 1/2 hour delays. The reality was the other parent beat me to it by a matter of seconds.

OP posts:
Original poster
MogwaiTheGremlin · 28/02/2014 09:08

Thank you Bertie I think I need to hide this thread because it doesn't feel like it! Flowers

OP posts:
brdgrl · 28/02/2014 09:13

I need to do some statistics but it really seems to me that the calmer more rational more enlightened views often turn up much later on threads than the frothy unenlightened ones....Maybe there is an obvious reason for this....like middle class people getting up later or something....

Yes, the unenlightened and irrational working classes are at it again, eh?

SouthernComforts · 28/02/2014 09:20

OP you've taken a flaming in good spirits - Grin at tax evasion - well done.

IceBeing · 28/02/2014 09:34

brdgrl yeah...you know the working class types...smacking, yelling swearing...bullying children into obeying...

mymiraclebubba · 28/02/2014 09:43

"working class types" wow how offensive (joking or otherwise) can people be?!

Why is it ok to be classist but not racist etc on these boards???