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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think you shouldn't discipline another child...

382 replies

MogwaiTheGremlin · 27/02/2014 11:54

...unless it's something quite serious?

My ds is 19 months and this morning we went to a new playgroup for the first time so I didn't know any of the other mums. Ds went over to an older/bigger child and grabbed a toy car off him. The other child didn't seem too put out (no outraged squawk / crying) but I made my way over to return it to the child as he had clearly been playing with it. Before I got there the child's mother / carer had grabbed it back off ds and said quite loudly "No! Don't snatch. He was playing with it".

I was a bit miffed because I wouldn't discipline a child I didn't know and also I try to save "No" for serious crimes. We are teaching ds to pass things nicely (failed!) and an adult grabbing something sets a bad example. Also because she raised her voice a few people turned to look and it made ds' behaviour seem much worse than it was. Just a bit embarrassing as we were new.

I realise it's not a big deal but AIBU?

OP posts:

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 27/02/2014 14:13

a very different situation to a 19 month old old taking a toy from another, older child

Rather than snatching the toy back, possessively it was a golden opportunity for the other mother to say :" this is a little baby, shall we let the little baby share our toy, and we will find another, because little babies don't know what they are doing..." nice big smile at baby and move on.

Goldenbear · 27/02/2014 14:14

Patchouli, she said, 'discipline' not 'punish'.

Goldenbear · 27/02/2014 14:18

Yes, I would say something along the lines of what IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM because frankly life is too short to care about babies taking things from you out of curiosity.

NorwegianBirdhouse · 27/02/2014 15:40

OP, YANBU. First day at the group and some strange woman tells your DS off. My 2YO DS would have been upset by this, and me too because it doesn't give out friendly, understanding vibes. When kids take things off DS at these groups, and he is bothered, I get it back if possible by saying nicely, "No no, DS had it first, and you can play with it in a minute." I don't want to upset the mum or scare the child.

Maybe I'm just soft, but I think she could have been more gentle with your DS. 19 months for goodness sake.

CumberCookie · 27/02/2014 16:20

I don't get the saving "No" business, children should hear "no" so they know where the boundaries are.

Goldmandra · 27/02/2014 16:37

I don't get the saving "No" business, children should hear "no" so they know where the boundaries are.

Children need adults to communicate the boundaries clearly. It doesn't really matter what words they use as long as the communication is effective.

WaitMonkey · 27/02/2014 16:50

I love the phrase "series crimes', when talking about a child of not even two years old. Brilliant.

WaitMonkey · 27/02/2014 16:51

I love the phrase "series crimes', when talking about a child of not even two years old. Brilliant.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 27/02/2014 18:06

I love the phrase "series crimes', when talking about a child of not even two years old.

I think its indicative of how we view children really, its starting at below 2.

Original poster

MogwaiTheGremlin · 27/02/2014 19:10

Yeh you know tax evasion, benefit fraud, terrorist activity that kind of thing. They result in a firm 'no' from me
I am regretting the way I phrased the op but that's the beauty of an online forum!

OP posts:

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 27/02/2014 20:26

mogwai some of the toddler groups I went to had episodes of really serious behaviour from older children who were deliberately trying to hurt others and some did every single week, whilst the parents ignored...

Your case was nothing...none of us need to be round that sort of behaviour from adults, i was shocked when it was done to my 14 month old, with a bitchy look! I tend to smile at the toddlers at our group when they come up to me, which they in varibly do, smile at them, talk to them etc....you see some with cats bums faces when other dc just go near them..at a toddler group

Ijumpalot · 27/02/2014 21:01

Wow!
Am surprised at the force of feeling some people are displaying....perhaps most of you who have older children and are totally belittling the OP have forgotten what its like to have a 19m old child?
A child that age is totally immersed in his own ego and has no concept of sharing/snatching. Doesn't mean he shouldn't be told off but not in the way the other women did it-how will he learn manners from that???

Shockers · 27/02/2014 21:24

So a 19 month old is 'naughty' for snatching, but an adult is perfectly justified, whilst shouting at said toddler for the same offence.

No wonder children are confused.

Balaboosta · 27/02/2014 21:41

I would in reality be gutted if this happened to me, given how senditive one feels in these settings with your first child. But youre going to have to get to grips with this stuff OP, its part of the daily reality of parenting.

WooWooOwl · 27/02/2014 21:47

If you don't want other adults to deal with your children, then you need to ensure that there is never another adult closer to him than you are.

This woman did the right thing, I think it's good for children to see that the way their parents teach them to behave is expected by all adults, not just immediate family.

Goldmandra · 27/02/2014 22:03

This woman did the right thing, I think it's good for children to see that the way their parents teach them to behave is expected by all adults, not just immediate family.

Does that seriously include snatching a toy from a one year old and raising your voice to him?

I'd rather children learned that other adults will respond calmly and with respect while teaching them how to follow age appropriate social rules.

traininthedistance · 27/02/2014 22:17

OP YANBU, I am open-mouthed at the first couple of pages of this thread - a grown woman snapping at a 19-month old baby for snatching? And so many people on the thread telling the OP to discipline her child? A 2.5 yo or 3 yo yes, fine, they do need to be told no and to share or ask not snatch; but a 19-month-old hasn't any concept of sharing or playing nicely, they barely interact with other children at that age and may not even understand what an unfamiliar adult is saying. "Disciplining" a baby of that age is more about a performance in front of other mums than anything else!

I'd be a bit pissed off if another mum spoke sharply to my very tiny toddler like that - I would never raise my voice to another child (unless they had done something seriously dangerous, I imagine). In her position, as another poster above has said, I would be more inclined to say something like "oh the baby has taken your toy - but little ones don't understand about sharing yet; shall we share the toy with the baby and find another one you might like?" Not a bad thing for an older child to not always have things their way and to understand that smaller children need allowances made for them. They're only toys; children need to learn not to snatch (at an appropriate age); but they also need to learn that toys at a toddler group are just communal toys to enjoy and they haven't a divine right over them too.

FridgePervert · 27/02/2014 22:32

Agree entirely with what traininthedistance said.

treas · 27/02/2014 22:34

What was the other woman supposed to say? Not the wet and pathetic "No darling we don't do that" in a simpering voice.

Op you dc was new and the other woman did not know his name. Maybe if she had she would have called him by his name to get his attention and then told him not to snatch.

What you interpret as the woman snatching the toy off your child may have just been the removal and reallocation of the toy to another person.

And yes children should be disciplined told No by other adults as maybe they will learn what is and what isn't socially acceptable.

kerala · 27/02/2014 23:04

Yanbu op totally echo what train said. He is tiny! Mine are older now and yes toddlers do need to be guided on behaviour but just spent a week with my sisters gorgeous 19 monther he is so young and I would be upset by another parent treating him like this woman treated your child. Way too harsh for that age.

MmmIceCream · 28/02/2014 00:36

I'm on the fence. On one hand, I think that parents should be able to tell other people's kids off as there are lots of things kids do that may deserve it. My pfb has been told off my other parents and I rarely mind as I am often busy with a baby so can't always be there myself.

BUT I've also been in situations where an adult has told my PFB off for things I don't think merited it, or that reflects their priorities not mine. For example at a playgroup once another mum gave my pfb a dressing down for not saying "thank you" when she'd passed him food (he was 2.4) followed by a comment to me about how her kids (2 and 4) always say thank you, as isn't it good manners? I then watched as my pfb ate his food nicely at the table while her children ran riot with their food, refused to sit down, and threw food on the floor. She didn't tell them off for that as it didn't seem to matter for her.

I've been in this sort of situation a few times now, and maybe I'm paranoid but sometimes it feels like when my child is being reprimanded there are real 'isn't MY child well behaved, unlike yours?' undertones.

Anonymai · 28/02/2014 01:15

I'm with you on that mmm. I try not to mind but it annoys me when someone disciplines dd right in front of me (literally a foot away, and I'm sat talking to her!) for something that I'm obviously ignoring. For example, last time we were at my mums, dd was eating crisps out of the bowl and put one on the floor. We all know that if you tell her to keep them in the bowl, she thinks it's a game and does it again and again, so we ignore. SIL tells her off and puts it in the bin. Dd starts the "game".

Or when people tell them off for something you've just given them permission to do (and they've heard you give permission!). Like, same day, when dd was finished with her main food (but hadn't ate it all) and I offered her a biscuit for a desert. She's happily eating the biscuit and SIL reaches over to take it off her "oh no we don't eat pudding if we don't eat our dinner". I'm literally sat right there, have just handed her the biscuit in front of SIL. I don't get it.

I'm quite happy for people to interject if dd has done something to someone and I haven't seen or if we are at their house and she's doing something they don't allow in their home or something. I just hate it when the boundaries have been set and they decide they need to have a say.

Nocomet · 28/02/2014 01:19

ODFOD,

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 28/02/2014 01:30

"I try to save "No" for serious crimes. We are teaching ds to pass things nicely (failed!) and an adult grabbing something sets a bad example. "

That's where you went wrong. You forgot to hand out the instruction leaflet so all the other mummies knew how to parent your child.

Sillylass79 · 28/02/2014 02:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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