AIBU to think you shouldn't discipline another child...

[MogwaiTheGremlin]

...unless it's something quite serious?

My ds is 19 months and this morning we went to a new playgroup for the first time so I didn't know any of the other mums. Ds went over to an older/bigger child and grabbed a toy car off him. The other child didn't seem too put out (no outraged squawk / crying) but I made my way over to return it to the child as he had clearly been playing with it. Before I got there the child's mother / carer had grabbed it back off ds and said quite loudly "No! Don't snatch. He was playing with it".

I was a bit miffed because I wouldn't discipline a child I didn't know and also I try to save "No" for serious crimes. We are teaching ds to pass things nicely (failed!) and an adult grabbing something sets a bad example. Also because she raised her voice a few people turned to look and it made ds' behaviour seem much worse than it was. Just a bit embarrassing as we were new.

I realise it's not a big deal but AIBU?

nah, its a bit mortifying i get it but she just said no, don't snatch ,
although its a bit annoying if you making you're way there.

mogwai loads of people here think you are doing the right things and your kids will grow up with better self-discipline than all those kids of the no-shouters, toy snatchers and smackers.

You ARE doing the best for your child and yanbu to be mildly pissed off when others undermine your work.

mymir erm...okay so pointing out how ridiculous classist arguments are via the means of exaggeration and irony is offensive? okay...Ill add it too my notebook.

I think we have all experienced not being able to get there first,

I'm trying to get in there swiftly passed gaggles if chatting parents, infuriating!!

In that situation I would have take the toy back from your DS but used a gentle voice saying sth like "come on sweetheart, Johnny was playing with that, you can have a turn soon. Why don't you look at this instead?" So I would address the situation but gently.

I wouldn't speak loudly/shout at another child unless it was something really serious e.g. wilful whacking over the head with toy.

Okay I am going out on a bit of limb here but I don't think there is anyone I know who would have done with the other mum did.

EVERYONE I know would have comforted and spoken to their own child, emphasising that while it wasn't fair (good life lesson there) the baby was too young to understand what he did was wrong. And then distracted will something else shiney.

That woman has just taught her older child that it is, in fact ok to snatch; shout as well, for good measure, if you're annoyed

Not only that, but shouting at a baby who has no concept of sharing etc yet,

Its OK for older children to bully and snatch off innocent babies. And for their parents to shout and snatch off babies too.

Ice

Out on that limb with you, I went to toddler groups at least three times a week with my older dc now at school for a good two and half years, and just started with the younger.

I saw all kinds of outrageous behaviour but never ever ever did a MUM ever reprimand a baby for taking a toy, or snatch the toy back or shout at a baby.
All of us, deferred to babies, smiled at them and were nice to them and told our older dc to respect the baby and share.

My other dc is much younger then when we fist started with other one....and as said before her first group, she was also snatched off, and given evils from a woman!

It seems to be the natural order of things to teach older toddlers to be careful of and understanding of the babies and no one I know personally would reprimand a baby.

thank goodness

Icebeing, sorry, but if you were striving for irony, you completely failed.

(And why has it become so common for people to shout "I was being ironic!" after saying something grossly offensive? It's a plague.)

I started telling DD "no" way before she could understand it. That's actually developmentally appropriate, because children have to learn these things, they don't just reach a milestone age and suddenly 'get it'. So you tell a small baby "no, those are mummy's!" while you pull your glasses out of their grasp. Or when your 1 year-old grabs another kid's toy, you say "no, that's Sam's teddy bear, you have to give it back." Etc.

composhat are you prone to overdramatising, 19 months FFS

don't worry about the negative reactions you got on here OP - some people just love to jump in and give the OP a flaming, regardless of what they post, you have to discount a certain amount of that. If they can't back it up with a proper argument, then ignore.

Obviously anyone shouting/snatching from a 19mo who isn't even theirs is a loon.

In response to your title, YAB a bit U as it can be ok to discipline/tell off another child if no one else is doing it.

In response to your actual OP - YANB so U, as you were on your way and your DS is only 19mo - my DS2 is nearly 17mo, and DS1 has to give way to him most of the time because DS2 simply cannot understand the concepts of sharing and so on yet. He will; and he isn't allowed to hit DS1, nor is he allowed to get away with everything - but DS1 is 6 and can understand all the concepts that DS2 is only just beginning to learn, so unfortunately he is expected to be a bit more understanding of the situation for now.

I think the other mother over-reacted because your DS is only 19mo and her child is older - it would have been different if your DS had bashed the other child in order to get the toy, of course! - she could have used it as an object lesson in sharing with younger DC because they're too little to understand yet.

All in all, apart from your "I only keep 'no' for serious situations", YANBU. But that thing about "no" is ridiculous, frankly - use it for everything that it is required for, because otherwise your DS is going to have a rather odd notion of what he can get away with and you're going to have a bit of bother dealing with that as he gets older.

This whole 'saying no' thing has been massively over hyped which is my fault for not making myself clear.
I do say no and my ds does understand what it means but in my house a short, sharp 'No!' in a raised voice (as described in my op) means DANGER STOP!
I wouldn't use it in this situation as I think it's an over-reaction and I do believe if you constantly say it like this it loses it's impact.
For everyday misdemeanours I find that reprimanding calmly and gently works better with my particular ds.
Obviously the other parent can speak to her child as she wishes but to speak to my young child like this, over such a trivial incident, and when she could see I was on my way over, is in my view unreasonable.

Don't let it put you off Mogwai I was at a toddler group when one of the mums shrieked at someone else's toddler (who then went to hide and cry) over nothing much, now everyone gives her a wide berth.

Oh thank you, ds had such a good time I'll definitely go back!

Glad to hear it

I think we can be a bit over sensitive when it comes to our own children and need to get a bit of perspective.
If we take our children out into the world, to toddler groups etc, they will encounter a variety of other adults and children. People do not all respond to situations in the same way. The OPs child is there to play and also to learn a bit about social interaction. Everyone there is a child or is with a child and all of the people will interact.
Toddlers are prone to snatching. There is a lot of it at toddler groups, along with biting, kicking and all kinds of other normal, but to be discouraged behaviour. All children there probably do something thoughtless at some point and unless you trail your child round, chances are, another adult maybe closer when it happens, than you are. Or they may see what happened when you haven't. I think it is entirely appropriate for another parent to speak to a snatcher or biter and tell them not to do it. It isn't unkind, or aggressive, but simply an older, wiser person helping a youngster who does not know any better. The use of a 'tone' makes the comment effective. Toddlers, with limited vocabulary and not much sense of subtlety, understand tone. Mostly, they won't be upset by a slightly louder voice. If they are, it isn't likely to last beyond a short time (let's face it, toddlers cry very easily at all kinds of things) and in itelf, that isn't wrong either. I'm not advocating shrieking at children or terrifying them, but a quick sharp word seems effective and actually kind. Pointing out Johnnies error using words and a tone which sound like he is being praised, does not help anyone.
If you don't want other parents to speak to your child, I would suggest you don't go to these kind of events, where social interaction (which often involves pointing out the error of their ways, when toddlers are involved) occurs. Or just try to be a bit less sensitive. The other parents there are not monsters. You all want your toddlers to turn I to socialised pre schoolers....and you can help each other and work together.

I think we can be a bit over sensitive when it comes to our own children and need to get a bit of perspective.

I'd be pissed off with anyone I saw raising their voice to any 19 month old child and snatching a toy back from them.

It is perfectly reasonable to intervene and I may well have done so myself but raising your voice to the level where others look around isn't appropriate, whoever's child it is.

but a quick sharp word seems effective and actually kind

Perhaps to an older child who was a persistent offender and knew the adult concerned but absolutely not when doled out by a stranger to a 19 month old. How can that possibly be kind?

Interesting interpretation there Chocolate

I'm on child number 3 and I'm anything other than sensitive when it comes to DS BUT you shout at my baby or use sharp words then I reserve the right to think you are a nutter. Part of socialisation is learning that 'shit happens' and mountains don't need to be are from molehills and an adult snatching has taught OP's child nothing good

I thought it was going to be something dreadful from the word 'discipline' and then find that she merely told him not to snatch and gave it back to the child who was playing with it! It all seemed fair enough.

But people do interact at these events don't they. People don't like to see their child spoken to by someone else. Others get defensive when another child takes the toy that theirs was playing with. All this angst, just seems unnecessary to me. I really do think that if someone can't bear their child to be spoken to (and let's face it, it will happen again, in a place like a toddler group) I really wouldn't go.
No doubt there are some people who speak totally inappropriatey to little ones. That clearly is not good. What was described by the OP didn't sound like that though.

Final thought, why not just explain to the person who spoke, what you didn't like about how they spoke. It's possible to do this without being rude or aggressive.....seems a really good idea if it is a big issue for you. I always think its better to address this than go home and fester about them.
Does worry me a bit though .....because the way society is going, with everyone being scared to speak to someone else's child, in case it offends the parents, children who run into the road could be ignored, due to fear of interfering. I know that is extreme....but it feels like we are going that way to me.