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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to cook when I get home

170 replies

ScoobyMetBatman · 25/02/2014 20:45

So my dp and I live together. I have come to my parents for the weekend for a family event, unfortunately I have come down with the flu. I was meant to go home on Monday, but I was too I'll to drive (it's a few hours away). Still felt rotten today, but am hoping to go back tomorrow.

I did the weekly shop with dp before I came here, so he got meals in for when I was away (one night he was plannin for a takeaway). I had meals planned for the rest of the week (Monday onwards). Obviously with me not being there those meals didn't happen; dp can't/won't try to cook. He ended up getting another takeaway last night because he didn't know what else to have. I told him today that I won't be back today, and whilst he does have sympathy for me feeling awful, one of his first questions was 'what am I meant to do for food tonight?'. I suggested various things, beans on toast etc. He can't drive so can't get to a proper supermarket, but we have a small shop down the road where he will be able to get SOMETHING. We also have chicken in which he could cook and chuck a sauce on, but he won't (claims he can't, despite doing it a while ago with me talking him through it).

It's so frustrating how he acts so helpless. I've not spoken to him on the phone today because I know he will sulk about it and I can't be bothered with that right now. I have told him in the past he needs to take more responsibility for himself, as I am not his mother and don't want to be treate as such.

Being ill I have had no appetite at all, so have a feeling I'm not going to be fussed about having dinner tomorrow. I'm so annoyed that he will expect me to cook for him. He thinks if I had been ill at home I would have been cooking. So wibu to refuse to cook, or would that just be mean and petty? (The problem is he is working tomorrow night so I probably won't see him until he's home from work which is about 10.30pm - I'd feel very mean not having food ready for him if he's starving!)

OP posts:

Ericaequites · 26/02/2014 19:05

If you have a child with this man, you'll have to deal with his incompetence for at least eighteen years. Don't...
My father is 78. His mother, my mother, my sister, and I have always looked after him. Even he can fry an egg!

DealForTheKids · 26/02/2014 19:21

OP, you say you didn't make your first meal until you went to uni - did you grow up in a family where your mum did it all? I don't mean to go all amateur psych on you but that would say a lot to me.

FYI - and I know you said kids aren't on the cards yet - my grandparents had that relationship. GD couldn't cook a thing. GM died 7 years before him and my mum had to drive to his and cook for him EVERY NIGHT. Despite having a disabled husband (my dad) and two daughters, one of whole was clinically depressed and self harming any minute she was alone.

Don't let your future DD be like my mum :(

sanityawol · 26/02/2014 20:38

Setting the cooking issue to one side, what do you actually gain from this relationship?

How does being with him improve your life? What does he do that makes things easier for you? What does he do that makes you happy?

Don't get me wrong, sometimes DH really gets on my tits, and I'm sure that I do the same to him.. but on the whole we're heading in the same direction and working together. The only people that we have to parent are our DC.

Original poster

ScoobyMetBatman · 26/02/2014 21:09

DealForTheKids I meant the first time I cooked from scratch was at Uni. My mum did the majority of cooking, but if for any reason she couldn't / wasn't there my dad was capable of feeding us (or I could sort myself out). My mum moved away for about 2yrs before I went to Uni as she got a new job but didn't want to disrupt my Alevels by moving the whole family away. I can't actually remember what we ate without my mum there, but I imagine it was mainly ready meals and things you can just stick in the oven (pizza, chicken, chips etc)

sanity day to day life is generally pretty good. We get on really well and have lots of fun. I know he adores me (I know people may say he clearly doesn't if he treats me like this, but I honestly know he does). He makes me laugh loads. We are both very skint so can't afford to do much, so I like how we can still have fun just lounging around the house.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 26/02/2014 21:21

You are deluding yourself Scooby - we can still have fun just lounging around the house - yes, but you can have fun with a flat mate and not be expected to cook their meals and have uncomfortable sex.

If you don't leave him now I am sure you will be here in 5 years, perhaps with a couple of children, and complaining that you have a lazy DP that does nothing to help around the house or with the children.

Do you want to be that person? .

BusinessUnusual · 26/02/2014 21:23

With what actions does he show he adores you?

Original poster

ScoobyMetBatman · 26/02/2014 21:35

He is always showing me affection; loves to kiss me and hold me. Tells me I'm beautiful (even if I'm clearly looking shit). If he does happen to have extra money he likes to treat me, even if it's just something really small. He will always meet me at the train station and walk home with me if I'm coming back in the dark (that may sound silly but I really like that).

OP posts:

BusinessUnusual · 26/02/2014 21:39

That's really nice. I would hope he enjoys those things too.

Does he do stuff he doesn't enjoy doing so that you don't have to or so that it's fair?

sanityawol · 26/02/2014 21:41

It's one thing to be able to have fun at home whilst skint. But when it really matters do you honestly think that he will work with you? Or will you be sorting everything out and carrying him along too?

I say this as someone who's business went down the pan meaning we had to sell our home. It's the shit times that make people show their true colours.

What if you have children with him? If you were to have problems during pregnancy such as SPD or HG can you see him looking after you? What if you have a c - section... will he look after you and a newborn?

Given his performance because he had to think for himself and get his own tea for a couple of days, do you really think you could rely on him?

sanityawol · 26/02/2014 21:56

Oh, and I'm sorry if I sound harsh... I rarely post on MN, and when I do I normally stay on the lighthearted stuff.

But I'm guessing that like him you are 24? I'm asking you the questions that I wish someone had asked the 24 year old me about my exH before I married him and had a child with him. (Although I wouldn't change having DD for the world).

He 'couldn't cook' either.

BlessedAssurance · 26/02/2014 22:01

Oh, this is one of the most frustrating threads i have ever read. Scooby what the heck are you doing? Really ? 5 years of your life you have given to this man and for what? Just to be told you look good? My 3 yr old would fry an egg given the chance. Hope you know what you are doing. Don't expect him to change, he might but boy you have a lot of work to do.

Good luck..

When does he plan on getting to learn how to drive? You don't drive him everywhere i hope...

ListenToTheLady · 26/02/2014 23:11

Scooby you have mentioned that you recently tried to split uo with him. There must have been a reason (or reasons) for that.

Morloth · 27/02/2014 02:26

Ah well, it is your choice, if you are willing to trade off then that is your call.

You don't have to though, there are men who can do all of that AND fend for themselves.

I wouldn't expect my 10 year old (or husband for that matter) to knock up a gourmet dinner party for 8. But I do expect them to be able to manage the basics without me holding their hand.

CheerfulYank · 27/02/2014 02:54

When I was pinned to the ground with nausea whilst pregnant with DD, DS got himself granola bars and juice and made peanut butter and jam sandwiches. He was 5.

Ragwort · 27/02/2014 08:08

Scooby - why are prepared to settle for such a poor relationship?

Most men tell their girlfriends they look good and meet them from the station at night, it's really not such a big deal. the fact you think that makes him 'special' shows you have pretty low standards of what you expect.

I used to set my standards by whether or not a boyfriend opened the car door for me (or held a door open if he wasn't a driver) - if he didn't I wouldn't see him again .

I am so, so depressed at these threads where young women put up with a shit relationship - do yourself a big favour and leave him.

FunkyBoldRibena · 27/02/2014 09:51

You gotta laugh...or you'd cry.

OP - you need to listen to your gut. The things he is doing for you should be the minimum...not offsetting the rest to show you he cares.

MrsWedgeAntilles · 27/02/2014 09:57

OP, why can't he get to the supermarket? Are you in the depths of the country side? Or are there physical reasons he can't get by himself?

Neither DH or I have ever been able to drive and we still manage to get to a variety of supermarkets and get our weekly shopping home.
I use the bus or the train and I carry the shopping home in a rucksack. I also use a home delivery service now and again. He needs to get his finger out.

FrysChocolateCream · 27/02/2014 10:13

I am with Morloth - how can you shag someone so pathetic? And lo and behold it seems you can't. Are the two things connected? Did you have vaginismus (sp?) before him?

I really hope you think about all these answers from older and oh so wiser women here OP. Humans have to eat every day. He really needs to sort himself out. Does he not understand how unattractive this trait is?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/02/2014 12:03

There you are, OP, you know what to do now. You must leave him - having derided him as pathetic first - or accept that you are pathetic and 'how could you shag' such a man - and then remember to never, ever come on MN for a moan or vent again.

How are you feeling now?

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 27/02/2014 13:19

op, dh can't cook.

But he is an adult and he can feed himself. That's the thing. Before he met me he was happy with his particular diet. He'd boil some mange tout and then "make" a curry. Fry some chicken and throw a jar of sauce on it.

Not my idea of home cooking... but it's food. It's a full meal, nourishing (sort of) and you know he was fine.

I have taken on most of the meal duties because frankly I found it gross, and I like proper food in the house. That's on me though. But if I don't feel like cooking or eating he can and does feed himself. Because he isn't an idiot. If he looked at me all puppy dog eyed and said he "couldn't" feed himself I'd think he lost the plot.

I don't like taking the bins out or doing the cat litter so dh has basically taken on these tasks, but if died I could change the cat litter. I am not incapable of cleaning cat shit. I just don't want to. Your dh can feed himself.

I think you should go on strike until the idiot learns to feed himself (and you 50% of the time)

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