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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to cook when I get home

170 replies

ScoobyMetBatman · 25/02/2014 20:45

So my dp and I live together. I have come to my parents for the weekend for a family event, unfortunately I have come down with the flu. I was meant to go home on Monday, but I was too I'll to drive (it's a few hours away). Still felt rotten today, but am hoping to go back tomorrow.

I did the weekly shop with dp before I came here, so he got meals in for when I was away (one night he was plannin for a takeaway). I had meals planned for the rest of the week (Monday onwards). Obviously with me not being there those meals didn't happen; dp can't/won't try to cook. He ended up getting another takeaway last night because he didn't know what else to have. I told him today that I won't be back today, and whilst he does have sympathy for me feeling awful, one of his first questions was 'what am I meant to do for food tonight?'. I suggested various things, beans on toast etc. He can't drive so can't get to a proper supermarket, but we have a small shop down the road where he will be able to get SOMETHING. We also have chicken in which he could cook and chuck a sauce on, but he won't (claims he can't, despite doing it a while ago with me talking him through it).

It's so frustrating how he acts so helpless. I've not spoken to him on the phone today because I know he will sulk about it and I can't be bothered with that right now. I have told him in the past he needs to take more responsibility for himself, as I am not his mother and don't want to be treate as such.

Being ill I have had no appetite at all, so have a feeling I'm not going to be fussed about having dinner tomorrow. I'm so annoyed that he will expect me to cook for him. He thinks if I had been ill at home I would have been cooking. So wibu to refuse to cook, or would that just be mean and petty? (The problem is he is working tomorrow night so I probably won't see him until he's home from work which is about 10.30pm - I'd feel very mean not having food ready for him if he's starving!)

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 26/02/2014 07:35

Op you are actually the biggest problem. He wouldn't be asking if he knew there wasn't a chance...

justiceofthePeas · 26/02/2014 07:38

Not only should you not cook ot isn't your job to teach him either.

There are plenty of programs on cbeebies to teach kids to cook. perhaps he could catch those on the iplayer.

really1234 · 26/02/2014 07:44

Sorry OP but that is ridiculous.

My just turned 13yo DS has been capable of making himself an omelette or egg on toast for the last couple of years.

You shouldn't put up with it not cook tonight.

starlight1234 · 26/02/2014 07:55

My 6 year old made Lemon chicken last night ( Obviously he had supervision and some instructions) ...I would leave 2 slices of bread and a tin of beans on the side...he may not be master chef but he can certainly so that...

Morloth · 26/02/2014 07:56

So he is 24 and he actually asked you what he was going to eat?

Isn't he embarrassed? My 10 year old wouldn't ask that, he would figure it out.

How can you shag someone so pathetic?

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 26/02/2014 08:05

Are you in your early 20's too? That's fantastic! You have loads of time to get rid of this specimen and find a real man, before you need to worry about babies.

Because, believe me, when you're on your knees with sleep deprivation and Mr Manchild is sulking about needing meat and two veg... you give in to his whining and drag yourself down to the kitchen... only to find a mountain of washing up to do before you can even get near the work sufaces... no 'redeeming qualities' are going to cut it.

He could have the looks of Johnny Depp, the humour of Dara O'Briain, and the personality of Barack Obama; and you'll still be struggling to stop yourself from hitting him with the (dirty) frying pan.

RalphGnu · 26/02/2014 08:08

Maybe you should show him tunnocks post to put things in perspective.

Squitten · 26/02/2014 08:15

Well he's a complete child. But then you're letting him be one aren't you OP? If he has you to wait on him, why would he bother to do things for himself?

Do bear in mind your 1950s relationship if you want kids with this idiot though. He will undoubtedly not want to learn how to change nappies or do night feeds either and you'll be called back from any outings on your own because the baby "needs you".

More fool you for putting up with it.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 26/02/2014 08:18

Nothing sexier than a toddler masquerading as a grow man, eh?

This is your time to make a stand OP. Or do you want tospend the next 50 years hoping you don't get hit by a bus because your DP would starve while you are in hospital?

BusinessUnusual · 26/02/2014 08:20

OP, when I was too nauseous to even open a tin last week, I chucked some sausage rolls on a plate and staggered back to bed.

Did my six year old whinge? No, he kept my four year old out of the way whilst I was throwing up and put a DVD on for them both.

You say you won't have babies with him until he improves (good!) but that he's getting worse with time. What does that tell you?

cozietoesie · 26/02/2014 08:20

If you're swithering, Scooby, I think you might find it illuminating - almost as an academic experiment, say - to refuse to cook from now on (or at least for a couple of weeks) and just see what happens. Then you'll be able to judge whether you want to spend any extended period with this man.

You might also have a long hard think about why you yourself are allowing this. (Perhaps visit the Relationships Board also and see what people are having to put up with - and why.)

Personally, I wouldn't be contemplating spending any more time with this 'man' than it took to pack my things - nor would I be thinking of having anything more with him than (just possibly) a mutually raised goldfish.

Toofattorun · 26/02/2014 08:24

Why are you all bothering? Do you think she's going to dump him just because you've all told her to? Don't waste your breath. She will forever be making excuses for this waste of space and realise she's enabled him all this time when it's too late.

cozietoesie · 26/02/2014 08:28

I don't know why. I can only suppose it's a reaction to seeing someone up to their neck in the cesspit and feebly waving a final hand for help.

RuddyDuck · 26/02/2014 08:32

Yanbu. He needs to grow up. My dh can't cook (went to boarding school and then 7 years in uni where he was in catered halls) so never really learned, but he can do heating up. If he was faced with chicken breasts he would do something like chuck them in the oven with some pesto and philly and cook rice or pasta to go with them. Not great but edible and easy.

Contemplates · 26/02/2014 08:33

Can't means won't.

There is always a way round something like this if a person can be bothered to try and learn.

Even if he couldn't - say for example if his arms dropped off overnight - sulking, to make you feel guilty, is just not on.

His promise to help out if you have kids is so easy for him to say now. And will be so easy for him to pretend he 'cant' when it actually comes to it.

Morloth · 26/02/2014 08:41

DH can't "cook". Not like me, I am an excellent cook, so do most of it.

What can do is look after himself and the kids. When I am away they don't eat very exciting food.

But they do eat just fine. Spag bol, grilled chicken and veg, basic stirfry and rice etc.

It isn't rocket science.

BusinessUnusual · 26/02/2014 08:47

I can't "cook" if that means be inspired by the contents of the fridge a la nigel slater.

I can follow instructions. Which in the case of cooking is a recipe or the details on the side of the jar.

Can he set up a DVD player? Set the alarm system at work? Catch a bus by consulting a timetable. Then he can follow instructions, hence he can cook.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 26/02/2014 08:49

He can cook, he just won't. Because he thinks it's your job - in his head, you are basically his servant. Nice.

He is a pathetic specimen. I don't care what redeeming qualities he has. Please don't waste your life on this total loser.

cheminotte · 26/02/2014 09:06

Good quote September , not seen that before.
Yanbu - stop cooking for him!!! Once you are better organise to see friends several evenings and say you've already eaten. Don't give him 12 months to improve, a month should be plenty to see if he has any intention of changing. Do not have children with this man.

shewhowines · 26/02/2014 09:12

Think seriously, how this same attitude affects other areas of your life.

I bet the fact that he can't won't Cook is only the tip of the iceberg.

SomethingkindaOod · 26/02/2014 09:13

Fgs when me and DH got hit by D&V just after Christmas DS made tea for himself and his sisters. He's 13! Ok it was from the emergency freezer stash of microwave chips and fish fingers with snap pots of beans but he did it with no fuss, in fact he just told me that he was doing it while I was puking in the toilet and got on.
If a 13 year old can make a passable tea for himself an 8 year old and a 2 year old then a grown man should be able to throw himself something together surely?

Bogeyface · 26/02/2014 09:15

MY son is 23 with cerebal palsy, he can cook a roast chicken with spuds and basic veg. The prep takes him twice as long due to his disability, but he can still do it.

flowery · 26/02/2014 09:34

As others have said, it isn't "can't" it's "won't". Can't feed himself would mean he is unable to make simple decisions and follow basic instructions like heat and pour, or pierce film lid. Inability to follow basic instructions and make simple decisions would make him completely unable to hold down any kind of job.

So he just won't, presumably because he thinks it's your job.

I have no idea where women actually find these men in the 21st century. I certainly don't know any.

sanityawol · 26/02/2014 09:51

I know that some cooking requires a little more 'technique', but I assume he can read? This should mean that he can read the labels on food, the instructions on packets and even... follow a recipe.

There are even things like the schwartz mixes, where you just chop veg and meat, sling it in a dish or pan, mix the contents of the packet with water and add that then either chuck it in the oven or on the hob for the amount of time it says. Not rocket science, but still cooking 'real food' and something I'm sure he could manage.

In your position I'd be giving the long term future with this man some serious thought. I can see that if you have DC then they will be your job, along with keeping the house together. He'll be arriving home from work expecting dinner on the table and his pipe and slippers waiting. Be careful not to become reliant on him in any way.

For what it's worth, I do the majority of the cooking because it's 'my' Blush kitchen. DH can and does cook, and if I'm working late or ill he might ask me what we're having but only so he can make it - there are no expectations that I will do it.

I also told MIL's H off a little while ago. They were visiting and I had cooked a roast. He was complaining that MIL (still working) didn't always cook for him (retired). I pointed out that he was a grown up and quite capable of sorting his own food out, plus something for MIL as well.

Sorry, that was far longer than I intended.

Quoteunquote · 26/02/2014 09:52

The question is does he want to become a fully formed adult?

If he does, he could learn to cook and contribute willing and easily in just a couple days.

If he doesn't why would you even consider him a fit person to be a parent.

Have a chat, find out what his plans are, and then have a word with yourself about if his life plan is good enough for your future children.

Good luck and don't sell yourself short.

Life gets tricky, it how deal with the hard bits together that matters, the good bits are easy, you are ill, and he can't step up, I would take that as a close call, and cut your losses.