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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to cook when I get home

170 replies

ScoobyMetBatman · 25/02/2014 20:45

So my dp and I live together. I have come to my parents for the weekend for a family event, unfortunately I have come down with the flu. I was meant to go home on Monday, but I was too I'll to drive (it's a few hours away). Still felt rotten today, but am hoping to go back tomorrow.

I did the weekly shop with dp before I came here, so he got meals in for when I was away (one night he was plannin for a takeaway). I had meals planned for the rest of the week (Monday onwards). Obviously with me not being there those meals didn't happen; dp can't/won't try to cook. He ended up getting another takeaway last night because he didn't know what else to have. I told him today that I won't be back today, and whilst he does have sympathy for me feeling awful, one of his first questions was 'what am I meant to do for food tonight?'. I suggested various things, beans on toast etc. He can't drive so can't get to a proper supermarket, but we have a small shop down the road where he will be able to get SOMETHING. We also have chicken in which he could cook and chuck a sauce on, but he won't (claims he can't, despite doing it a while ago with me talking him through it).

It's so frustrating how he acts so helpless. I've not spoken to him on the phone today because I know he will sulk about it and I can't be bothered with that right now. I have told him in the past he needs to take more responsibility for himself, as I am not his mother and don't want to be treate as such.

Being ill I have had no appetite at all, so have a feeling I'm not going to be fussed about having dinner tomorrow. I'm so annoyed that he will expect me to cook for him. He thinks if I had been ill at home I would have been cooking. So wibu to refuse to cook, or would that just be mean and petty? (The problem is he is working tomorrow night so I probably won't see him until he's home from work which is about 10.30pm - I'd feel very mean not having food ready for him if he's starving!)

OP posts:

JupiterGentlefly · 26/02/2014 11:42

Hence my 'lost erection' comment. I couldn't desire someone so pathetic

Morloth · 26/02/2014 11:42

Fucking hell, just drop him.

5 years is a long time, don't waste anymore.

crypes · 26/02/2014 11:42

Invest in a toasted sandwich maker, the men in my family adore this and on occasions have added extra ingredients apart from cheese and bread .

Cakebaker35 · 26/02/2014 11:45

Unbelievable. He sounds like a toddler. I'm sure he can cope with walking to the shop and making a sandwich?! Stop allowing this behaviour, you are not his mother and he is not a child. Truly gobsmacked that any adult can't even figure out how to feed themselves and that you have the energy to be with someone like this.

Viviennemary · 26/02/2014 11:46

That is absolutely ridiculous. He gets a takeaway or goes and gets himself a ready meal or eats out. It's his responsibility not yours.

Ragwort · 26/02/2014 11:52

Why can't you leave him? He is obviously useless in the kitchen, you don't enjoy your sex life with him (understandably) - can you imagine yourself living alone, being able to concentrate on your studying, not having to worry about 'servicing' him in the kitchen or bedroom - which it sounds like you feel is your responsbility. .

What exactly is stopping you from packing your stuff and leaving?

thenightsky · 26/02/2014 11:53

Don't go home until you are 100% better. Stay away. He'll not starve.

anonacfr · 26/02/2014 11:54

There's also online shopping for food.

Pagwatch · 26/02/2014 11:57

I think the point where he said he would 'try to help you out' would have tipped me over the edge.
Why is cooking your task, why is cleaning your task?
I would have said exactly that.

You both have contributed to him viewing these things as yours.
Time to unravel that.

ListenToTheLady · 26/02/2014 11:59

Invest in a toasted sandwich maker, the men in my family adore this and on occasions have added extra ingredients apart from cheese and bread

Crypes sorry this just made me larf. Hold the front page! Men discover exotic ingredients and the means to alter their temperature!!

Honestly, there are plenty of men who can cook properly (or at least adequately), care for a partner who is ill, and learn new things as necessary. There is absolutely no need to settle for less. And what's more, being the kind of person who will settle for less attracts the worst kind of man, who we may then have to spend years extricating ourselves from.

Raise those standards OP. I'm sure there is a much happier, better relationship out there waiting for you (and eve if there's not, it sounds as if you would be happier single than with this barely civilised specimen)

morethanpotatoprints · 26/02/2014 12:03

I'm sorry OP if this wasn't so ridiculous it would be funny.
My children could cook meals from about 13 and from 14 for the whole family. It really isn't beyond children so unless he has sn I'm at a loss to understand why he can't cook.

You need to teach him about the survival of the fittest.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 26/02/2014 12:32

Don't go home until you are 100% better.

Or, ideally, ever.

BakerStreetSaxRift · 26/02/2014 12:36

Can't he walk or get a bus, or taxi to the supermarket and buy something he can manage?

Chippednailvarnish · 26/02/2014 13:02

Has it ever occurred to you that if you didn't have a sexual problem before him, the problem will go when he does.

Frankly I don't understand why you would lower yourself to even consider have sex with such crap excuse for a man.

OnlyLovers · 26/02/2014 14:11

Tell him to grow the fuck up.

At least.

Really, what I mean is RUN A MILE. He's a child. You deserve better.

PoppettyPing · 26/02/2014 16:45

Omg OP. I used to have vaginismus. I had to use those plastic dilator things. It was really really scary at first and there is NO way I would have been successful if I was in a relationship with someone who was rushing the process for any reason--it is YOUR body and your healing process that you do when YOU feel ready. He sounds breathtakingly immature, and far beneath you tbh. LTB

5Foot5 · 26/02/2014 16:59

You are still young enough to move on from this child. In fact you could be doing him a favour, maybe if he has to fend for himself for a bit it will help him grow up.

I have no idea where women actually find these men in the 21st century. I certainly don't know any.

^^ Agreed. Blimey, my DH is more than twice his age, old enough to be his father in fact, and at 24 he had been cooking and looking after himself for years.

Sure when he was at home it was a traditional set up with his Mum doing all the cooking etc. and his Dad not having a clue in the kitchen. But when he went to Uni he soon taught himself. Apparently his Dad was amazed when he found that DH at 20 was cooking "proper meals" and DH told him "If you can read you can teach yourself to cook". Strangely enough now even FIL (now in his 80s) can fend for himself reasonably well in the kitchen.

sparechange · 26/02/2014 17:47

Just out of interest, does he do anything else around the house? Change the sheets, stick a wash on, clean the bathroom?

comicsansisevil · 26/02/2014 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnlyLovers · 26/02/2014 18:31

'if it doesn't work in getting him to cook, it's nice and heavy'

catsmother · 26/02/2014 18:42

Okay, I enjoy cooking per se but I don't like being taken for granted and he's being utterly pathetic. It's not about "can't" cook - it's about "won't" cook the bloody lazy arse ... presumably it's seen as "wimmin's work" ? If he's so dead set on a "proper" meal then he'll just have to read a cookbook and follow the instructions - or go online and learn from there ... there's countless sites where you input the ingredients you already have for ideas for example.

But he doesn't want to do that, does he, because, as I said before he's a lazy sod who clearly thinks cooking is "beneath" him.

So ... when you're ill, he either improvises as described above, or, as you say, he makes beans on toast, has soup, a toasted sandwich or a fried egg. And if that's not good enough then tough shit. I totally agree and sympathise with you about how draining it must be to have this useless and ridiculous whinger making demands of you that he's not prepared to take on board himself - you're not his maid, or housekeeper, or mummy.

If you're going to stick with him I'd take a stand on this - in light of his utter selfishness, YOU cook what YOU want and when YOU want. That means if you don't want a great big meal you don't make one - if you want an omelette, make it .... tell him it's either that or nothing, and he should be bloody grateful you're making anything at all for him.

Again, if he doesn't like it he'll have to learn .... there's no excuse, you read a recipe and you do what it says. Hardly difficult. If all else fails he could take a cookery course at the local college. Not that I expect he'd willingly do either - I think he just wants to bully you into submission by moaning and picking fights and acting all helpless.

In light of the sexual issues you've disclosed, I almost wonder if this absolute refusal to do any cooking in any shape or form and his insistence that you basically wait on him no matter how you feel is his way of "punishing" you ? If so, then you'd be better off without him.

Original poster

ScoobyMetBatman · 26/02/2014 18:43

We tend to do bed sheets together, he will very occasionally clean the bathroom sink and bath, if I ask him he will Hoover (although I tend to do that myself so I know it's done right!). And he will put a load of washing on and hang clothes on the radiator - he is quite good with that and will do it without me asking.

I'm actually very impressed at how many of you have kids who can cook. I don't think I made my first meal until I went to Uni!

OP posts:

hannibalismisunderstood · 26/02/2014 18:44

Thia is amazing that people get to adulthood being incapable of cooking but saying that it does depend on how they have been parented... DSD (19) can just about do a stir fry (albeit destroying my wok), warm up soup and cook supernoodles (she did try frying these once) whereas ds(14) can cook bread, American waffles, scones, curry, fish and vegetable stacks, Italian spaghetti and a few other dishes... He is predominantly lazy but will step up and cook regularly...

Juat need to train dd(4) now....

OnlyLovers · 26/02/2014 18:47

'he is quite good with that and will do it without me asking.'

You sound as though you're talking about a child. Of course he should do housework without having to be asked. Does anyone have to ask you to do it?

LindyHemming · 26/02/2014 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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