To not want to cook when I get home

[ScoobyMetBatman]

So my dp and I live together. I have come to my parents for the weekend for a family event, unfortunately I have come down with the flu. I was meant to go home on Monday, but I was too I'll to drive (it's a few hours away). Still felt rotten today, but am hoping to go back tomorrow.

I did the weekly shop with dp before I came here, so he got meals in for when I was away (one night he was plannin for a takeaway). I had meals planned for the rest of the week (Monday onwards). Obviously with me not being there those meals didn't happen; dp can't/won't try to cook. He ended up getting another takeaway last night because he didn't know what else to have. I told him today that I won't be back today, and whilst he does have sympathy for me feeling awful, one of his first questions was 'what am I meant to do for food tonight?'. I suggested various things, beans on toast etc. He can't drive so can't get to a proper supermarket, but we have a small shop down the road where he will be able to get SOMETHING. We also have chicken in which he could cook and chuck a sauce on, but he won't (claims he can't, despite doing it a while ago with me talking him through it).

It's so frustrating how he acts so helpless. I've not spoken to him on the phone today because I know he will sulk about it and I can't be bothered with that right now. I have told him in the past he needs to take more responsibility for himself, as I am not his mother and don't want to be treate as such.

Being ill I have had no appetite at all, so have a feeling I'm not going to be fussed about having dinner tomorrow. I'm so annoyed that he will expect me to cook for him. He thinks if I had been ill at home I would have been cooking. So wibu to refuse to cook, or would that just be mean and petty? (The problem is he is working tomorrow night so I probably won't see him until he's home from work which is about 10.30pm - I'd feel very mean not having food ready for him if he's starving!)

He's 24

I'm sure he CAN make an egg, he's just too lazy to learn.

Thank you for all your replies, at least I know it's not petty if I refused to cook tomorrow!

You would be fucking insane to have a child with this man.

Why should he grow up? He has no incentive to. You need to stop cooking for him all the time -- at the very least, stop worrying about whether something is a 'proper meal' or not.

If he won't step up then seriously, you need to get rid. You only get one life, don't waste it on someone so lazy.

I would refuse to cook for him for at least half the time from now on - let alone tomorrow. You're enabling him! That is no life.

OP, I find the thought of this really quite creepy. I really like cooking for the family, but I bloody wouldn't if I didn't know my husband was willing to pull his weight. And all this shit about him starving, or not being able to manage on beans on toast... Well he might find he could manage on old shoes and sawdust if you stopped being such a doormat and left himtofend for himself... Or he might remember that he actually does know how to fry a fucking egg, because no human being of an age to be considering parenthood doesn't!

Sorry Scooby, I hate to call you a doormat, but I really hope when you feel better you reflect on your situation and take steps to put it right. There's no point carrying on as you are, and hoping he'll change in time for you to have kids. Put your foot down sooner, rather than later, and if he continues to be such a self-indulgent drip, seriously reconsider whether you want to have children with him. Eeeeew!

That would be a resounding NO from me.

I posted up thread that my DH couldn't do anything, that wasn't his fault, he hadn't been taught and had a doting mother that liked to do everything for the family.

However, there's a huge difference between 'can't cook' and 'won't cook'. If he knows you aren't happy with the imbalance and still won't do it then he's a selfish twunt who doesn't deserve you unless he's absolutely perfect in all other respects. Doesn't sound like he values your feelings.

This is the Domestic Science equivalent of "DP has anger management issues', innit: there is no other sphere in his life where he is so wilfully ignorant, is there.

He's a year younger than me and won't learn how to fry an egg Scooby...has he ever lived on his own or has he always been looked after by either a mother or girlfriend? Either way, with nearly a quarter of a century under his belt, he should be able to feed himself.

Don't get me wrong, I do the cooking in my house. But DP is capable of fending for himself (or both of us) if I'm ill or away. He's no master chef but he can work an oven.

I get what you mean about your DP not seeing beans on toast as a full meal. I'll let you in on a secret though...quantity-wise it is! He's just after a better calibre of meal without the hassle of learning how to make it himself. My DP says the same. Or I'll say 'beans on toast tonight for tea' and he'll say it's fine but then request 'extras' when I'm heating the beans. My answer is usually 'if you do it yourself without getting in my way and it's done in time, sure!' He laughs and admits he's being greedy.

I'll tell you something though...if I was ill and my DP's first concern was how he was going to get fed, his second concern would most certainly be who's keeping the dog.

He's 24. You've been together for 5 years. So you met when he was 19. I'm assuming you're ballpark his age? And he "can't/won't try to cook".

Sorry to say this Scooby, but you should have put a stop to this a loooong time ago. You said yourself "I swear he wasn't always this needy"; so even though his willingness to try it on is completely down to him, letting him away with it is down to you. He didn't become this petulant waste of oxygen without your help. I appreciate that you didn't realise what was happening, you were that frog in the slowly warming water, but fucksake, it's boiling now!

Stop pandering to him. Stop cooking for him. Tell him to pull his weight. And do it ASAP, because the longer this goes on the longer it will take him to return to the human race. And under no circumstances breed with this man-child until he has proved to you that he is indeed an adult and not arrested at 19 (a horrible selfish self-centred age for almost everyone).

"What am I meant to do for dinner...whine whine....?"

Your answer?

"Cook or starve. I am going to bed"

Repeat "Cook or starve" as often as is necessary, because he wont do it unless he has to. Currently he is a toddler who knows that if he goes on long enough, you will give in. So treat him like a toddler and stick to your guns.

Actually, forget that. Dump him and get yourself a man, not a manchild.

Oh and just a guess....but does he whine on about blow jobs but never reciprocates? Seems to be a theme with men like this, their whiny selfishness usually permeates every area of life if you just sit and think about it for a moment.

Wow

I do all the cooking here BUT my DH can't, he can do an omlette (I taught him - yes seriously) but he will happily do beans/hoops on toast or reheat left overs or do a basic "freezer" dinner as I call them (fish and chips from freezer for example) I'm expected to cook each night HOWEVER if he's home he won't think twice about cleaning and tidying the house.
I'm sorry but he sounds a man child. I read a great quote on here once and it was "Only have a child with a man you would be proud of as a mother if he were your son" or something to that affect.

Bloody phone.

So in conclusion, I wouldn't have children with this man.

Oh my god! You're ill and he expects you to cook for him after driving home for hours? Don't even think about it and definitely do not feel guilty. Is he a baby?!

You've got to get tough with him OP. Can't fry an egg? I almost hoped you were trolling us there.

Pound to a penny if you breed with this man child you'll be back here complaining he does absolutely NOTHING to help. My best friend's husband is the same - does nothing around the house, can't cook, doesn't do much in the way of caring for their toddler - these are all 'her' jobs. Oh and he's a petulant man child, sulking and stropping far worse than the little one if he doesn't get his way.

She thinks I'm 'lucky' because my DH shares all of the cooking, cleaning and parenting equally with me. It's not luck at all. The minute I'd have detected he was such a useless milk sop my vagina would have healed up and that would have been that.

I don't find men who can't take care of themselves attractive. He can easily rustle up something for himself, he just hasn't had to bother since you've been around, so he's complaining at the 'upheaval' now. What on earth would happen if you were down with flu or ill in some other way, for ages? Bit of a bugbear to know he'd be unable to take care of you/make up some nourishing meals. He's been raised poorly if he can't/won't cook but given that some mums raise their sons as mini-gods its no surprise at times. Then said man ends up as hard work for a woman. Not every woman will put up with that. I couldn't do it, reading your post made me feel tired!

I cook more than my OH as Im at home far more, but I dont cook at all weekends. He does it and I happily sit back, he does all the 'heavy work' in the house too. Its all about give and take. If he whinged on 'where's my dinner' I wouldnt stand for it, its too weak. My DDs are teens and very good cooks, theyve been cooking for years. If I had a boy he'd be able to cook too. Its an essential lifeskill.

I agree with others who've said think long and hard before you have a child with this man. It will be like having 2 children. Possibly 3, with the sheer workload having a baby and then raising a child involves. You'll be knackered, and thats putting it mildly.

My 12 yo ds can make himself beans on toast and can read a recipie book and would have a stab at chilli, spag Bol, although he wouldn't be so enthusiastic about clearing up.

Unlike your dp my ds doesn't think the ability to read and follow a recipie book, is only exhibited by those with a vagina.

He should be ashamed of himself at his age with a fully stocked frudge and cupboards he should be able to make himself a meal, and you are reinforcing this entitled behaviour and it won't get any better especially if you have children.

I am pretty sure he won't do anything at all in the way of changing nappies/child rearing if you do have a child with him. .please bear that in mind.

OP hope you don't mind if I hijack to ask all the parents of 10, 11 year olds who can cook pasta, how they do it safely? DS is learning to cook and loves pasta but he can't carry the pan full of cold water at the height required to be able to drain it in the sink. So I can't let him loose with the boiling hot water yet.
Maybe you all have bigger stronger children or maybe there's a trick I'm missing? TIA

Love: I do think that if we wait to meet Mr Perfect to have babies with then we will be waiting forever.
I married a useless, selfish man, but didn't have the benefit of MN all those years ago.

Seriously rethink your relationship whilst you are so young.
Don't wait another five years with someone so hopeless.

Maybe you can get him to change.
Can you discuss it with him?
Give him 12 months maybe to stepup.
It seems that if you were seriously ill he would still want you to cook.
He is very self centred.

You sound a very caring person.
Please don't waste your life being his servant.

Clearsomespace

My DD is 11.
Firstly , how big a pan is he doing that he can't carry it? Dd can carry a pan big enough for 4 servings.
But cooking independently is not undermined if he asks you to move a pan. Dd sometimes asks me to get stuff down from the top of the larder - she is still cooking independently.
I am always in the house when she cooks even if not usually in the same room. I don't like the children cooking when I am out.

How bizarre. Can he not manage the following OP if he wants a "proper meal"?

1. Go to shop
2. Choose ready made lasagne, curry, whatever
3. Go home
4. Pierce film lid
5. Put in microwave
6. Put microwave on for however long packet says
7. Remove and put on plate
8. Eat

I find it difficult to imagine why anyone would want to be with anyone like this.

My DS2 is 10. He is currently learning how to cook.
As pagwatch said, he sometimes needs help reaching things or carrying things which is fine. I think it's a good thing to help with the stuff they can't quite manage yet, like carrying heavy pots, because they are still doing the cooking, still learning and as they get older they will be able to do the rest of it IYSWIM

Clearsomespace it'd create extra washing up, but if carrying a full saucepan of boiling water is an issue, you could fish out the pasta using a slotted spoon (and put it into another bowl/your pan of sauce).

Thanks.

Four servings here too. He doesn't cook while I am not in the house. I do help him with the stuff he can't manage. But I wouldn't say he can cook pasta independently because he can't manage the pan.

I've seen threads on here where 9 year olds can cook a Sunday roast by themselves but I guess their parents are still taking the roasting tin out of the oven.