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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to cook when I get home

170 replies

ScoobyMetBatman · 25/02/2014 20:45

So my dp and I live together. I have come to my parents for the weekend for a family event, unfortunately I have come down with the flu. I was meant to go home on Monday, but I was too I'll to drive (it's a few hours away). Still felt rotten today, but am hoping to go back tomorrow.

I did the weekly shop with dp before I came here, so he got meals in for when I was away (one night he was plannin for a takeaway). I had meals planned for the rest of the week (Monday onwards). Obviously with me not being there those meals didn't happen; dp can't/won't try to cook. He ended up getting another takeaway last night because he didn't know what else to have. I told him today that I won't be back today, and whilst he does have sympathy for me feeling awful, one of his first questions was 'what am I meant to do for food tonight?'. I suggested various things, beans on toast etc. He can't drive so can't get to a proper supermarket, but we have a small shop down the road where he will be able to get SOMETHING. We also have chicken in which he could cook and chuck a sauce on, but he won't (claims he can't, despite doing it a while ago with me talking him through it).

It's so frustrating how he acts so helpless. I've not spoken to him on the phone today because I know he will sulk about it and I can't be bothered with that right now. I have told him in the past he needs to take more responsibility for himself, as I am not his mother and don't want to be treate as such.

Being ill I have had no appetite at all, so have a feeling I'm not going to be fussed about having dinner tomorrow. I'm so annoyed that he will expect me to cook for him. He thinks if I had been ill at home I would have been cooking. So wibu to refuse to cook, or would that just be mean and petty? (The problem is he is working tomorrow night so I probably won't see him until he's home from work which is about 10.30pm - I'd feel very mean not having food ready for him if he's starving!)

OP posts:
Original poster
ScoobyMetBatman · 26/02/2014 10:02

Wow I've woken up to an awful lot of replies, again here are my responses to some more of the points raised:

Firstly, I'm not a very good cook, I don't enjoy it, I just do it. When we first moved in together about 4 years ago, all our meals were either ready meals, or things like chicken and chips which you just stick in the oven. I'm sure my dp could have happily continued with that, but obviously living on ready meals isn't great, so I started cooking a few dishes. As time has gone on I have started cooking about 5/7 nights. The other 2 meals we have a week, dp tends to do (e.g stick jacket potatoes in microwave and he will turn then etc).

(Yes I know this may sound like I'm making excuses for him!) But the issue with me being away now is that when we did the shop, we got things he could do for the weekend, and I was planning on our normal cooked meals when for when I came home. There were no backup meals for him just in case, because obviously I didn't expect to get ill. Dp can't drive, so can't get to a main supermarket to pick up a ready meal. MY issue with all of this, is that he won't settle for beans on toast, or attempt to cook some chicken, or even go down the road to the corner shop and pick something up from there (not sure what they do food wise, but there will be SOMETHING he can eat). So I'm not bothered that he can't cook - he can do ready meals, stick stuff in the oven, but it annoys me how he won't just settle on a crap meal for one or two nights.

I want to reiterate that there are NO plans to have a baby with him right now. Even if he was perfect we wouldn't be as we are not in a suitable position to.

I actually tried to break up with him a few weeks ago....somehow we didn't split but we decide to work on things. The next day he said he will try and help more in the kitchen/with dinner. He has made a little more effort since, but there is still a long way to go.

I totally agree that I have enabled him to become like this. He is an only child and I think his DM did everything for him. She moved to another country when he was 17 so he lived with other family members. He used to feed himself there (ready meals). When we visit his DM though she completely dotes on him.

OP posts:
HighBrows · 26/02/2014 10:06

Can't cook, can't drive, he's a catch.

He needs to grow up and it's not your job to teach him anything.

This is a frustrating thread. Sad

shewhowines · 26/02/2014 10:10

Ok so now you realise you need to set some boundaries and stop enabling him. He's still a work in progress. Pick up on every lapse - can he understand your pov when you point out to him, this latest incidence? His reaction is crucial.
If he does realise his mistake, set a time limit. Don't keep on giving him chances.

Glitterfeet · 26/02/2014 10:14

If I'm ill my husband asks what he can do for me and what I feel like eating. If I can only manage toast he'll go and make sure that there is bread.

flowery · 26/02/2014 10:27

If he won't settle for beans on toast, or can't be bothered to get a ready meal from the corner shop (yes they will have something), then that's his look-out, surely?

shewhowines · 26/02/2014 10:32

He'll have to "settle" if you make sure he has no other option. What's the alternative? If he gives you grief then you have no choice but to end the relationship.
There doesn't need to be an argument. Stand your ground and watch his reaction.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 26/02/2014 10:39

Do yourself a favor and break up with him. Seriously, don't shackle yourself to this man child for another day of your life.

Dollybird86 · 26/02/2014 10:40

How did this man feed himself before you? Tell him to get a grip and failing that Google it!

Selendra · 26/02/2014 10:42

"somehow we didn't split"

Did he talk you out of it? I had that once from a rather manipulative partner.

Xenadog · 26/02/2014 10:48

Toast and cereal. These are the food which all people fall back onto when they can't/won't cook. They are easy and prevent starvation. Tell your partner this along with "MTFU!"

dreamingbohemian · 26/02/2014 10:57

Why did you try to break up with him recently?

I'd be a bit worried that he's acting like this when supposedly this is the time to be making some effort.

Ragwort · 26/02/2014 11:05

Does anyone else get thoroughly depressed at threads like this (and there are too many Sad) - why do so many women 'accept' this sort of behaviour from their 'partner' and try to justify it.

Just. Leave. Him.

Surely life on your own as an independent young woman would be tons better than spending any more time with this waste of space?

BakerStreetSaxRift · 26/02/2014 11:08

If you had a child together and you got ill/hit by a bus/whatever. Would the child and your DP starve to death?

Never have children with someone you wouldn't trust toraise them alone, if they had to.

And I'm sorry, but he is so pathetic, I would find that whinging while you were ill so unattractive, and beyond selfish.

Original poster
ScoobyMetBatman · 26/02/2014 11:10

I tried to leave him because we have other issues (sex related - its definitely me whose the issue there, but I feel it is very unfair on my dp, especially after things I have read on here). I have other things to focus on right now (studying) and the whole sex situation really grinds me down and I feel like I don't want to deal with it right now.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 26/02/2014 11:18

Might there be a connection even subconsciously between your issues with sex and the fact that he's so helpless?

I'm curious what you've read here that makes you focus on you being unfair. I mean, yes, generally, never having sex is not particularly fair -- but then again, not wanting to have sex with the kind of guy whose main concern when you're really sick is that you won't be there to cook his dinner, is a lot more understandable.

Very often, not wanting to have sex is your body telling you that something is wrong.

MistressDeeCee · 26/02/2014 11:23

Ragwort - yes, it is depressing. I simply dont get why so many women put up with appalling, disrespectful behaviour. Yet balanced against so many saying 'LTB' when threads about poorly behaved men come up..I don't know..something doesnt quite seem to add up...

Morloth · 26/02/2014 11:25

So don't deal with it.

Stop being his mum.

Crinkle77 · 26/02/2014 11:26

You need to stop doing it for him and then he will have to learn to fend for himself. My boyfriend is useless in the kitchen but he is keen to learn and will help and watch what I do so he can learn for himself, Useless as he is he wouldn't starve and would be happy to stick something in the oven/microwave or make himself a bacon buttie.

MistressDeeCee · 26/02/2014 11:27

OP you've said he's agreed to make an effort. I trulyhope he does, and sticks to this. You're only young once, make sure you dont throw away your good years on a man who'll have you tired & old at 40

MadBusLady · 26/02/2014 11:28

I agree with Dreaming. I couldn't sustain the hots for someone if I was having to mother them. He sounds pathetic.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 26/02/2014 11:31

The problem is that that he can't cook.

It's not even that he doesn't want to learn how to cook.

It's that he thinks he gets to make these choices and that OTHER PEOPLE (i.e. you) are responsible for giving him the "proper dinner" he requires.

He thinks you are there to serve him.

Don't waste your 20s on this loser.

Seriously.

No wonder you don't want to shag him. He's pathetic.

Original poster
ScoobyMetBatman · 26/02/2014 11:32

I have vaginismus, so sex is really painful for me, and has been for years. I get no pleasure whatsoever from it (the only time it was enjoyable was the first few months of our relationship). I know how to help overcome it, and I have attempted intermittently over the last few years, but I never stick at it. Understandably this frustrates dp, as he knows I am not putting the effort in. I am now at that point where I just don't want to. I have to stick plastic things up my vag. It is unpleasant and I just don't like it. I basically told dp this the other week, how I have other things to focus on and I don't want to be worrying about this now.

And yes, his helplessness certainly is not a turn on and isn't exactly going to make me beg for sex.

OP posts:
ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 26/02/2014 11:37

Tell him how off putting his helplessness and whining is. He can't expect you to put loads of effort into something you find really unpleasant, if he can't even fry a fucking egg.

systemsmalfunction · 26/02/2014 11:37

All he needs is a recipe book with simple meals. Step by step instructions

dreamingbohemian · 26/02/2014 11:40

Well it is all connected then, isn't it?

He expects you to make a lot of effort (and pain) so that HIS sexual needs can be met.

He expects you to make a lot of effort (even when sick) so that HIS food needs are met.

He is basically just a selfish man. I don't know why you would feel bad about not wanting to probe yourself constantly for the sake of someone so selfish.

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