AIBU to think that very few people have a realistic expectation of what it is like to have a newborn?

[CrispyCrochet]

My DS1 is only 2.5 months old and while pregnant everyone was dishing out advice and they continue to do so. Yet, even with all the advice I was given I still had no clue what I was in for. Yes, I knew that newborns slept a lot, ate and pooed but what I did not realise was that they would

a) breastfeed near enough constantly for those first couple of weeks
b) only sleep on me
c) how intense on demand BF would be

I posted several posts on MN along the veins of "Help! My 15 do baby won't settle" or "4 week old won't sleep in his moses basket" and "6 week old is BFing for HOURS is this normal?"

So AIBU to think that midwives/friends/family don't actually prepare us for this sort of thing? I see posts on MN literally everyday with someone asking those exact same questions. I know that some people will have newborns who happily go off to sleep in their moses baskets yeah right or what have you but is it fairly safe to say that most newborns only want mummy and no manner of tricks/tips can really get them to change - only time. All this nonsense about "routines" - can we all just agree that it is pretty much pointless until the baby is a wee bit older??

Should it be up to the midwives to actually give us a bit more of a real world perspective on what it is likely to be like with a newborn? I say this as my DS has essentially been in my arms since 11pm last night having slept in his moses basket for all of 3 hours & is currently sleeping on my lap with a boob in his mouth.

Maybe they did tell me it would be like this and I didn't listen...

You are right Crispy- re the toddler and newborn- when that happens you will actually look back and remember how easy things were when you "just" had a newborn!!

I had no idea that despite trying absolutely bloody everything, that some kids just do not sleep all night until they are 5years old.

And I was never told about tongue tie and it's far reaching consequences which made our lives a misery for years.

Crispy

your DH's comment is gold and may I say I love him for it?

He is right. And thank goodness he sees it from a different perspective. we all need that.

yes, becoming parents is hard and unexpected - I guess that's why you can never be properly prepared for it anyway.
and it's okay to moan about how shocking babies/toddlers/children can be at times!

but you are doing just fine.
enjoy the journey!

I'm almost glad no one told me my DD wouldn't sleep through until nearly 2 and that it's only that she's nearly 5 that we can (almost) assume she'll go all night without climbing in with us in the wee hours. YANBU - but I'm not sure you can ever understand the bone crushing exhaustion and near delirium until you've been though it.

Our NCT teacher has a policy of inviting the previous group plus babies in to meet the current group. So I met a few mothers of newborns when about 34 weeks pregnant. And the funny thing is that I could tell they were all being very cagey with their answers to our questions; however, the black circles under their eyes gave a lot away...

It'll be my turn to go in soon and I do plan to be frank about my experience - which has, to date, been that sleeping and breastfeeding have not been the issues, but recovering from the birth has been. And I hope that my NCT friends will also be honest - we have all had different difficulties in these early weeks, there's no one representative experience, and that in itself is important for the expectant Mums to know.

I was told stories about how painful birth was and how I wouldn't have time to have a shower/eat when my baby arrived and would never be able to put it down and would be so exhausted.
I did have a long back to back labour with 2+ hours of pushing but it wasn't agony.
My baby who was breastfed fell into her own routine of a feed at around 10.30pm and then one at around 2.30am followed by 5.30am, nothing I did apart from never changing unless dirty and not switching a big light on, she dropped the 2.30am feed at 8 weeks and carried on being a good sleeper apart from a week long blip at 18 months old.
I think it helped that I am dreadfully lazy and so was happy to spend the evening with a baby latched on and the remote control in hand.
During the day she would sleep so long as I put her down and once I'd worked out that she wanted peace to fall asleep all was well.

My baby (and the two babies that came after her) hadn't listened to how they were supposed to be.

What no one warned me about was how demanding toddlers were. I could have cheerfully left her under the nearest lamp post
I think low to no expectations of anything baby related are the best way to go.

Some of my mates did tell me a few home truths( in a nice way) and I spent a lot of time with my sil after she had a difficult birth, so I basically expected my child to never sleep at all and was really happy whenever she did! She is actually more of a routine-y baby than I am a routine-y mum. We have found a happy middle ground.

I also didn't try to put her down until she was happy to be put down (in her case 6 weeks) and was at peace with that. And I didn't read any of those sodding books, I just did what felt right. I found that REALLY helpful.

Still bloody knackering though.

People do forget. My brother's kids are 10 and 6 and he has forgotten the sleep bit. He looks at me blankly. I remember him crying at the time!

Did he have the sleep bit? My and OH were never sleep deprived by babies.

my friend summed it up perfectly the other day "nothing, NOTHING can prepare you for the sh*tstorm that comes your way when you have children"

I have so far refrained from writing this in congratulations cards I write when my friend's babies are born, I knowingly keep it positive when discussing it with pregnant ladies

everyone told me so many negative things when I was pregnant (awful birth stories, terrible sleepless ones etc etc) that it got me down. YES it's awful at times, but once you have your own child you will be able to see it both ways, whereas when you're just pregnant (in my case at least) I would've appreciated less honesty, I was so scared of labour and the first few weeks as a result of negative comments. and, each baby is different, each labour is different, most of what I was told did not apply to my own two children.

My first experience of newborns was my niece. She screamed day and night for months, the sleep deprivation was such that her father ended up hospitalised after collapsing through sheer exhaustion.

I thought that was just what babies were like and I was utterly terrified of having one of my own. So for me, a 'normal' newborn who did at least sleep a bit was frankly a doddle in comparison with what I thought it would be like.

1944girl, I completely agree. A newborn is a piece of cake compared to a teenager! Just when I thought I knew how to parent my older kids hit their teens.

Thank God for mumsnet, I don't know how I would have survived the last 1 year, 9 months and 2 weeks xx

I haven't read the whole thread and I'm sure others have covered this off but, having had three ds, I always say to pregnant friends close to delivering that nothing will prepare you for how wearing the first six weeks are. It's just a case of get your head down and get through it. I think there is little more that our survival instincts that make us do it. It's tough and brutal and nothing prepares you for the body shock that is a newborn.

I was (lucky) enough not to have my children close together. I have no idea how mothers cope with a newborn and a toddler or any child under two. my second and third were born when their predecessors were toilet trained and could clothe and feed themselves. I don't know how people cope with a baby and child who can't do this.

But, overarching all this is the pure joy of a newborn, the pain is when competing responsibilities distract you from this. However knackered I've been the pleasure of a tiny slipping, full fed, content off your breast at whatever hour can't be measured.

It's why we do it. I'm sure someone else has said it too but 'this too shall pass' it's such a small period of time, but I don't underestimate for one moment the agony of every single minute when it isn't going right.

I think it's really important for new mothers to know that it isn't a bed of roses and not everyone loves it and that it's hard work and very lonely at times, to be honest and not expect to be super mum.

No point telling you - I don't think you will ever fully understand until you have been there...
I hired a carpet stretcher to re- lay the carpet in DD1s nursery when she was few weeks old just as she developed colic ...It is the kind of job you need to do in one go...should maybe take an hour or two at the most...
DP was working long hours and only around at times you don't want to be knocking nails in if you have attached neighbours...

I hired it for a day ...had to phone to extended for another day...then another ...on the 4th day of hire (and by that stage I could have bought a good one new - or paid someone to do it for me!) - the guy asked me if it was a whole house I was doing? and was I finding it tricky?
On the verge of tears, feeling completely useless - its just one room....I have a baby with colic...
Ahhh he said -I remember that ... have you tried etc etc?
I was so grateful that he understood I had a good cry when I put the phone down (with DD attached to my chest obviously!) .
Next day DP was off and I finally managed to get it done! Sadly (or maybe lucky for him) the nice man wasn't there when I returned it ...otherwise I dread to I think what I would have done - maybe even given him a kiss!
A bit like the time when I realised at work I'd only brushed half my teeth - without having dcs you wouldn't think that was possible!

It's funny you say this, I just wrote a whole post on people giving their constant unwanted advice ( thescareddad.com/when-you-have-a-child/ ) and the "just wait till" moments. We may not be exactly 100% ready but I think we can have a good grasp on it fundamentally!

Robert

I think I was given a reasonable bit of information, however I assumed that once my baby was asleep I could put her straight down not have to wait for her to be in a deep sleep, I was told that you need to breast feed on demand but wasn't warned about cluster feeding! And that after the first week best practice goes out of the window and survival instinct kicks in!

I remember when my Ds2 was about 1, my lovely (make) hairdresser told me his wife was expecting a baby. I went off on one with The Facts. "Your wife is basically going to be a bitch for a year; you are going to dread coming home in the evening because she is going to shove this screaming child into your arms and swear at you; it is NORMAL for babies not to sleep well til a year old; just when you think you've cracked it, the fucker will be ill or grow teeth or something will change and you will have to adapt again.. Etc etc etc". His face! He looked utterly crestfallen, like I'd peed in his soup. But also like "it won't be like that for us, la la la la laaah I'm not listening!"

I realised it was a)inappropriate not to let someone enjoy the pregnancy period, when a baby is all potential and no reality b) he wasn't going to hear it from me anyway.

Hahahaha! When I was pregnant I was convinced the womb noise sheep, the star projector and my t shirt would ensure my baby slept. I would sing her to sleep, put her down for naps so I could shower, still go out on the razz at weekends, make her beautiful white muslin dresses whilst she played on her mat, make organic home cooked food and buns and things and then.......
I gave birth to a velcro screamer.
No putting down for 6 months, no naps and no sleep for more than an hour or so at night. Even now at 15 months I'm up for an hour at least once a night.
I've been out for a few drinks once. Every 15 minutes i was texting to see whether the baby was ok and discovered babies and hangovers do not compute.
A t shirt and a teddy is not acceptable. It has to be full on cuddles, preferably all night. Co sleeping is a no no she won't settle at all in our bed.

If I'm ever brave enough to go for no.2 at least i won't be going in with my eyes shut.

ah, teenagers.
don't even want to know.
DS1 is almost 13, DS2 is nearing 11 - the glimpses of teenagehood are scaring me shitless

(head in oven)

Melonbreath - whenever you tell people those sorts of stories they horrify you by telling you theirs didn't sleep through till 4/5/6 etc.

So I'd like to tell you - truthfully - that my DD2 was exactly the same, and then suddenly at 16 months - overnight - three weeks ago - she went from up an hour each night and waking for the day between 4.30 and 5.15 every day - to sleeping all night and waking up at 7. It's fucking weird. Brilliant, clearly, but like being in a parallel universe...