AIBU to think that very few people have a realistic expectation of what it is like to have a newborn?

[CrispyCrochet]

My DS1 is only 2.5 months old and while pregnant everyone was dishing out advice and they continue to do so. Yet, even with all the advice I was given I still had no clue what I was in for. Yes, I knew that newborns slept a lot, ate and pooed but what I did not realise was that they would

a) breastfeed near enough constantly for those first couple of weeks
b) only sleep on me
c) how intense on demand BF would be

I posted several posts on MN along the veins of "Help! My 15 do baby won't settle" or "4 week old won't sleep in his moses basket" and "6 week old is BFing for HOURS is this normal?"

So AIBU to think that midwives/friends/family don't actually prepare us for this sort of thing? I see posts on MN literally everyday with someone asking those exact same questions. I know that some people will have newborns who happily go off to sleep in their moses baskets yeah right or what have you but is it fairly safe to say that most newborns only want mummy and no manner of tricks/tips can really get them to change - only time. All this nonsense about "routines" - can we all just agree that it is pretty much pointless until the baby is a wee bit older??

Should it be up to the midwives to actually give us a bit more of a real world perspective on what it is likely to be like with a newborn? I say this as my DS has essentially been in my arms since 11pm last night having slept in his moses basket for all of 3 hours & is currently sleeping on my lap with a boob in his mouth.











Maybe they did tell me it would be like this and I didn't listen...

[janknitti]

YANBU - I thought the same after my 3rd !!!! For me it was great for the first few days until my milk came in on day 4. My boobs felt like they had exploded and I was became really shivery and feverish - for 2 days I had periods of uncontrollable shivering by day 6 I was ready to give up and gave formula as I'd had enough. The same day my midwife visited and I just burst into tears! And she said "oh it's day 5 - your hormones kick in around this time " - had I known this or at least remembered from the previous ds and dd I might have felt a bit better !!! Even ds (13) remembers this day and says I was a wreck !!

[HighlanderMam]

Was your baby checked for tongue or lip tie needtobediscreet?

[needtobediscreet]

I agree with both your points Dilys. I found BF soooo painful for literally months. I saw countless BF experts in that time and all said my baby's latch was fine and were mystified by my pain / agony. Thrush was ruled out too. Everyone kept suggesting Lansinoh but that only helps if your nipples are cracked. Mine were just flipping sore and I dreaded feeding baby. It felt like needles were being sucked from my boobies. I think I just had extra sensitive nipples. I say said, as obviously now they're pretty much desensitised - sob re sex life! I know how much different they feel. Pre pregnancy I couldn't bear to walk around bra-less ever even for a few minutes. Now I could do so for hours.

[mrssnodge]

First born is very hard but newborn with siblings harder!, Ds was born on a sat nite, came home on sunday, and had to take DD's 7 & 5 to school at 9.45am mon morning as DH had started a new job that week! just had to get on wit it- routine has to be stuck to as much as poss! with a first born, you have the luxury to sleep when they do, with other DC's you dont- even a day and a half of giving birth!!!!!! mind u that was twenty odd yrs ago- all three have now left home - yippee!!!

[Nannyowl]

Hi I agree with you. I am now retired and work as a night nanny, but I was a midwife for many years. We used to hold 6-8 antenatal classes for first time mums and two or three classes were devoted to infants feeding and fist few weeks with the baby. We were able to demonstrate baby bathing and even sterilising and preparing bottle feeds. But the classes were cut back over the years and when I left we were offering 2-3 classes. We were not able to demonstrate sterilising or preparing feeds as we had to concentrate only on breast feeding. Not very helpful for mums planning to express or return to work.
I agree newborn babies do not have a routine. You can only try to start some habits that baby will develop as he/she develops. Try to get your baby to settle in crib/pram at least once a day when semi awake.
Ask for help from family and friends. The first few months are exhausting.
Try to sleep too when your baby sleep in the day.
Please feel free to PM me.

[GreenLandsOfHome]

When close friends of ours had a baby two years ago (our dc were around 2 and 4), I can remember having a conversation with them when they were telling us how they couldn't wait for the baby to arrive and how they were sure that it would fit right in with their lives.
She was talking about a hen do that she'd have to diet for as it was 3 weeks after giving birth and he was talking about how he was going to use his months paternity leave to get some sizable gardening job done 'when the baby was sleeping'.

Dh and I smiled and nodded and then sniggered in the car on the way home about how they clearly didn't grasp just how their whole life was about to implode

Similarly now, they are pregnant again and will have more or less the same gap we do (2 years and a bit). Again, they're talking about how much easier it will be with two and as they already have a routine with their nearly 2 year old the baby should fit right in.

We're smiling and nodding again.

[BertieBotts]

I remember my NCT teacher did a session after we'd all given birth - it was an informal catch up thing, but she asked us what we'd have liked more/less of. Everyone said "information about newborns". She said, ah, everyone says that. The problem is that even if you make the course 90% about looking after newborns, everyone says that. You forget. So they changed it, they do a little bit of babycare practical stuff, an exercise where they boot the men out into a different room and give both groups an example of their day vs what the husband comes home and sees, and then basically lets the argument play out until the big reveal where they swap and it's supposed to prevent your husband from doing the "What have you been doing all day??" thing. And I literally can't remember anything else even though I'm pretty sure we had 2 whole sessions on baby care.

The breastfeeding preparation classes were good, though, perhaps a bit too honest! Most people seemed terrified - but they stuck the one important thing in there which was "The support person will be at X place on X day and you can call X number if you need help at ANY other time."

[dilys4trevor]

Agree on the bfing stuf from NCT being FAR too rosy. It doesn't always mean you are doing it wrong when it hurts; both my two were sooo painful. I was doing it right, it just hurts for some women!

I also thought NCT left out some crucial information about the early days. Mine didn't tell us that the baby will lose 10% of birth weight in the first days. So when the MW came round and said he weighed less than he did at birth. I just burst into tears, thinking it meant he was really ill. Literally, it wasn't mentioned at all in the really worthy classes that frowned on my wanting to know about pain relief, and encouraged all the other parents to frown on it too.

Come to think of it, neither did the Gina Ford book I pored over in the months leading up to the birth. Just banged on about how your baby must sleep exactly 45 minutes after having milk from the left breast, or God Only Knows what will happen that night. And nothing in there about what happens when that doesn't happen. Dreadful writer of books.

[Gingefringe]

Of all the advice I was given, on reflection the best two were:

1. Be prepared not to have a shit in peace for the next 2 years (and more)!
   
2. Don't expect to feel like your old self until at least 10 weeks - just accept
   

I always give that advice now!

[CrispyCrochet]

Vikkijayne well done you for reading the whole thread! Good luck, I think you sound like you have your head on straight. As others have said the best way to approach parenthood is with no expectations at all.

Weebairn I think that the way you have phrased some things there is good. I think that is a good way to phrase it, so not scaring people but saying - do what you have to do & don't beat yourself up about it.

[nooka]

I have a 16mth gap between my two and even so the newborn phase was a bit of a surprise second time around, I think that we wipe out the difficulties from our minds very fast! But then ds was a doddle really compared with dd, so the memories of what we did with him weren't very useful in any case.

I didn't have any issues with breastfeeding my two when they were tiny, they really did seem to know what they were doing with the latch, and it didn't particularly hurt. I just found over time that I couldn't cope with the demandingness of it all, especially with dd who was very much a limpet.

I knew in advance I wasn't likely to be very maternal, I've never liked babies much but it was still a surprise to find it just so unrelentingly hard. Oh and if I could I would have shot all those people who told me how quickly the time would pass and how wonderful it all was, as at the time it was very far from wonderful and it felt like time was going backwards!

It's only got better ever since though, even with two teens in the house :)

[weebairn]

Yes mrssparkles I have friends who are 35 who have never really spent time with a baby and they're always the ones who think it should be no problem for me to attend weekend-long hen dos a month after having a baby, etc.

My brothers both had kids fairly young so I did a lot of baby sitting and helping out. I remember when I was in my early twenties happily agreeing to babysit my brother's young baby and saying "oh she can just lie with me on my bed while I read" and his wife smirking at me

So by the time I had my own it wasn't such a shock, I guess.

[MrsSparkles]

As others have said, I think a lot comes from not being around babies as much (I was the first of my friends to have a baby at 30 - so not exactly early). I had no idea what was coming - I knew I wouldn't get much sleep or time to myself, but the sheer relentlessness was a real shock. And I don't think however much you're told you never really understand until you're there.

Having said that, it feels like forever, but looking back it passes in the blink of an eye.

[weebairn]

Aw you sound like a wonderful grandma-to-be maizieD. My mum was also positive but realistic, never judged my parenting, and gave me loads of practical help!! We have become so close because of this.

[marzipanned]

YY to the NCT breast feeding classes being far too rosy. This must be ultimately counter productive as women who are doing brilliantly will end up thinking 'but it hurts so I must be doing something wrong...'

vikkijayne DD is three weeks old and thus far I have never had less than four hours sleep in a night. I appreciate this is lucky and will probably all change tomorrow but I am finding life with a newborn easier than some stages of pregnancy and have many friends who have felt the same.

Actually I lie - had less than four hours the one night we spent in hospital, where they wouldn't let me co sleep ...

[maizieD]

I've read all through this thread with great interest because my DD is expecting her first baby (due in June).

Please don't think that all your mothers and MILs have a rosy remembrance of those early days. I can assure you that I can remember with great clarity the sheer grinding exhaustion of the first few weeks even with a relatively 'easy' first baby. I had never in my life had to wake up every 2 or 3 hours at night; it was like torture. BF was easily established but the pain every time he latched on for the first few weeks was awful. Sheer determination and rotorsept spray got me through it. He only ever slept for about half an hour at a time during the day, so no napping while the baby slept and I was completely absorbed with him when he was awake, so very little cooking & cleaning got done.. (apart from all that nappy washing - disposables were an expensive novelty then). I was in a strange town, knew no-one except a new acquaintance whose baby was a few days older than mine; had no family closer than 100 miles (but did have a sister whose first baby was a few months older than mine - we spent a lot of time on the phone!). (And DS didn't sleep through the night until he went to school...) DD was my second and completely different (aarrgh, the 'three month colic' ) but I was still zombie like for the first few months...

But, there was so much that made it all worthwhile, as many of you have said.

(I'd 'read the books' too, but soon realised that the baby hadn't...)

I'm very much hoping that I can help my DD through the early weeks because I do remember what it was like and am glad that she lives near so I will be able to give her lots of the practical support I didn't get (like housework and cooking ) Best thing I remember about my mum's (infrequent) visits was that she adored her grandchildren and never criticised our methods of childrearing. That was a tremendous help in itself.

[itsaruddygame]

My midwife told me I would cry because I was so tired .... she was right.

[Jaffakake]

My biggest criticism for nct is the rosy version of bfing they gave. I sat in a room for over an hour being told all about bfing but they failed yo mention how physical it is.

[TerrifiedMothertobe]

You are right. I too was not prepared. I think people forget as their children get older, just how demanding tiny babies are, and how full on bf is. Things do settle down, but it does take time. I was shocked to bits when I had ds1' 12 weeks into ds2 I am finding it much easier, as expectations have been set!

[Dildals]

Yes I am with NoArmani, my friends scared the shit out of me. As a result I had such low expectations that I am positively surprised at how much FUN it is!

I had my baby early and as a result I attended the NCT breastfeeding class when I had already popped. I remember sitting there (baby was in hospital), surrounded by all these romantic images of breastfeeding, thinking 'YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA OF WHAT YOU'RE IN FOR!!!' Did I speak up? No I didn't, why break their bubble. Also, I thought it was the NCT teachers job to do that.

[weebairn]

I think there's a really big difference between gleefully telling people "oh just you wait, it's going to be hell" and saying "hey, babies aren't always as straightforward as you might think. it's ok to do what you need to to get through".

I got so sick of the negativity ("you'll never eat out again" "you'll never sleep again" "you'll never have sex again" - well I do all those things all the time thank you very much!) but I really appreciated my mates who told me "I couldn't put the baby down for a month, don't worry if that happens to you!" or "we ended up bed sharing after agonising about it for ages, I wish we'd just done it from day one and not stressed" or "breastfeeding does hurt at first but it gets easier."

[Protego]

No-one gave me advice - probably because of all the nastiness about that but I do wish more had shared their experiences. Now we can do this on MN and it is obvious that the baby books are all grossly oversimplified and that experiences vary so much it is important to go with the flow and work it out for yourself - pulling in helpful tips as and when. They are all different as are we.

[mammatoaboy]

People were the opposite with me. Maybe because I had my son at 19 and got a lot of 'ooh you wait you have no idea what's coming!' I had it drummed into me that I would never ever be able to sleep or have a shower or anything I was terrified but pleasantly surprised when he was born to discover that, although hard, I could maintain an adequate level of sleep, manage to shower and even put on makeup and leave the house! I literally thought I wouldn't even be able to send a text lol! Xx

[Vikkijayne2507]

Phew I just read the entire thread through as I am pregnant with my first with 5 weeks to go to due date. I actually like reading all the different accounts of birth but I am generally more worried about the inital caring for a newborn. I am currently only sleeping 3 hours a night at most needing a wee and having pelvic pain both of which ave got worse in the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I didnt sleep well and was a grumpy cow allday which terrified me as I think this is nothing compared to what I may go through.
Im hoping to breastfeed, i have already started to produce some liquid from breasts so am trying to be hopeful it will work for me and not be too horrendous.
The main thing I have taken from this thread is my baby may be nothing like the horror stories or he might be exactly that.

Ive just moved to Portugal and actually the classes here have been quite good, we had a lesson on caring for a newborn, talking about breastfeeding and the problems that can come and that we can give them a ring and arrange to come in and discuss problems we are having and they will advise on latch problems etc. So having that support available i hope will provide a bit of ressurance. I am fairly laid back about not leaving the house much for a few weeks and then baby adjust to this bizzare world ive brought him into. I have bought a sling as ive worked with babies and have found even my own settle better when close to human contact.
But i am terrfied no idea how me and oh will actually manage. oh has a almost 10 year old son and he stayed a lot with us every other weekend etc so I am actually ok with 5 - 10 year olds nd behaviour issues etc but teenage years scare me but I am still in denial almost that our lives are going to be so different as step son only stayed with us from age 5 so ive never had a baby in my house no idea how I will manage

[Claraloumum]

My first dd was a breeze as a newborn - once I gave in and stopped trying to breastfeed( she refused to latch). Slept loads - until 6 months then she was up all night!!! We tried every sleep training technique -it was awful! But like others on here, all of a sudden at 14 months she started sleeping thru! Just in time for baby no 2 to arrive. And now it's back to breast feeding hell lol!! Ds is so much smaller and I'm a nervous wreck this time. Def much worse with no 2 - wasn't prepared for that!!