AIBU to think that very few people have a realistic expectation of what it is like to have a newborn?

[CrispyCrochet]

My DS1 is only 2.5 months old and while pregnant everyone was dishing out advice and they continue to do so. Yet, even with all the advice I was given I still had no clue what I was in for. Yes, I knew that newborns slept a lot, ate and pooed but what I did not realise was that they would

a) breastfeed near enough constantly for those first couple of weeks
b) only sleep on me
c) how intense on demand BF would be

I posted several posts on MN along the veins of "Help! My 15 do baby won't settle" or "4 week old won't sleep in his moses basket" and "6 week old is BFing for HOURS is this normal?"

So AIBU to think that midwives/friends/family don't actually prepare us for this sort of thing? I see posts on MN literally everyday with someone asking those exact same questions. I know that some people will have newborns who happily go off to sleep in their moses baskets yeah right or what have you but is it fairly safe to say that most newborns only want mummy and no manner of tricks/tips can really get them to change - only time. All this nonsense about "routines" - can we all just agree that it is pretty much pointless until the baby is a wee bit older??

Should it be up to the midwives to actually give us a bit more of a real world perspective on what it is likely to be like with a newborn? I say this as my DS has essentially been in my arms since 11pm last night having slept in his moses basket for all of 3 hours & is currently sleeping on my lap with a boob in his mouth.

Maybe they did tell me it would be like this and I didn't listen...

I was lucky to have really good antenatal classes where I lived which included a chat with a new mum who told us a lot about the trials and tribulations of dealing with a newborn. However, what I would say is that it is almost impossible to imagine or prepare for what is going to be like until you are actually there. Plus, each baby is different and you never know how you will be like as a new mum, particularly with breastfeeding and sleep deprivation.
My friends were a great source of support in those early days but it was still bloody hard and no amount of reading or information could have changed that.

I definitely agree with bodybooboo, this will be my third, and with one child at school all day, one half a day and the newborn, I might be struggling to fit in the luxury of naps I so enjoyed when my first was born. Things are always harder when you're tired! I'm hoping this one was like the other two though and won't mind sleeping in moses basket/pram as I don't trust myself to cosleep :)

I think there are more people out there with babies that are content and relatively predictable than you think. They just don't admit it for fear of seeming smug.

My antenatal classses told me NOTHING about what to do when you bring your baby home. I found that hopelessly deficient. Birth takes (say) less than 24 hours - it's disproportionate that classes fail give info on what to do for the 4-6 weeks afterward!

I agree that women aren't told much about what life as a mother will be like. It wasn't that long ago (historically speaking) that we weren't told much about birth either - that has generally improved for our generation.
Perhaps being more informed about what life with a newborn is actually like will come next?

Totally agree with you WhispersOfWickedness I think everyone warns you how hard having a newborn but until you've experienced it, advice on the subject means nothing. Really is in one ear and out the other.

I was dreading having a newborn throughout my pregnancy, I thought she would just scream all the time. It wasn't as bad as I expected. What I was totally unprepared for was the exhaustion of breast feeding. I literally felt like the life was being sucked out of me. Completely draining and gave me a really dodgy tummy for a couple of weeks. But then she begin to sleep for longer and a routine was established.

Midwives told me to feed every 3 hours, 20 mins on one boob and then 5 on the other. This suited my DD1 and she was pretty settled. I don't agree personally with on demand. Currently pregnant with second and I will try the same routine as with DD1 but I'm certain this baby is going to be the 'difficult' one with other ideas

I would have preferred more on life with a newborn than birth. Also reassurance it was ok to drop some expectations of myself - e.g. getting dressed/showered everyday as that really stressed me out and I felt really disgusting sitting at home trying to feed in my pj's - especially as I had been full on at work only weeks before. It was as though I had turned into a slob and that everyone else didn't have these issues and was up and out.

Also breastfeeding was so so difficult - i wish someone had just said 'its horrible its like morning sickness its just one of those things as a mother you have to live with.

i couldn't believe how difficult it was and or if things were going well. Everyone said the not sleeping and constant feeding was fine but it turned out ds had failure to thrive and had lost loads of weight and we were hospitalized. once the hospital sorted us out it was so much better. I didn't sleep at all for the first 5 days of his life and as people had said you don't sleep and they cluster feed I just thought that was what they meant.

Yanbu! I had absolutely no warning of the constant feeding, only sleeping on me situation. Absolutely no sodding idea!! My LO is now 8 months old and only recently has this all settled down! I need a holiday (with a nanny in tow!) ;)

I had no idea about so many things.

and regarding babies sleeping - when DS1 was very little I asked both grandmas to advise me.
they were both absolutely useless, my mum said she doesn't remember and MIl said she could never get them to sleep either!

maybe people don't tell us what to expect, because everyone's experience is different, even different kids in the same family behave differently.

also some people don't want to hear it or don't believe it anyway

and mainly I think it doesn't matter how much you are being told, you just won't know until you get there and I don't think any amount of stories can really prepare you for parenthood.

I think it's hard to listen when you are pregnant. Not every story will apply to you anyway. Everyone has different things they find hard, and everyone has different limits for exhaustion/tidiness of the house/personal hygiene that they will hit at child 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 or whatever. I was told I'd stop reading when I had kids, it wasn't until I had DC3 that I started reading significantly less (and that was only until he moved into his own room). I still haven't had the house taken over by plastic crap. Kid's artwork on the other hand... And DH and I always love each other so much while I'm pregnant and hate the sight of each other for the first few months of each child's life, at least after a few kids you know it's not permanent. And I have never felt guilty about returning to work and leaving the kids (blessed relief for me!), if anything DH is the one who feels the guilt (and this is a man who works part time).

I definitely think midwives and healthcare providers either lie or don't inform us about breast-feeding. I'm not sure if this is a deliberate strategy to avoid overplaying how hard on-demand BF is or if they just didn't BF themselves and therefore don't know what it's like.

My NCT classes on breastfeeding were a joke. No practical information on how to bf ('the baby will naturally find the nipple'), no answer to my questions about how to tackle problems e.g. cracked nipples or pain, just airy assurances that bf is 'natural' and therefore easy, by implication.

I look back now and am amazed by the breezy attitude people took about BF, like it's just natural and easy, no big deal. People bashed me over the head with endless 'breast is best' lectures but practical advice was much thinner on the ground. BF might come easier for some than others, I suppose. When our babies were 4-6 weeks old, I met some friends and they said their babies would easily go 4 hours between feeds whereas my DS needed feeding every 1-2 hours so maybe I just had a difficult feeder but I would have appreciated some honesty about BF rather than airbrushing and empty assurances.

I was also amazed by how painful BF was - excruciating nipple pain but also the cramps it gave me were unbearable, like severe period pain. Generally an all-round awful experience!

Avery Good point. No one mentions after pains, or the fact that they are often worse with your subsequents than your PFB. They were a major factor in my giving up BF with DD.

You can only give people a very general idea. This is because all babies are very different.
What should they tell us?
You might not sleep again for years or you might sleep well again after a month
You might have cracked nipples or you might not
You might have horrible birth injuries and be traumatised then again you might not
your baby might never want to be but down then again your baby might sleep for hours in a cot
your baby might scream for hours for no apparent reason but then again it might not
you might get post natal depression but then again you might not

and so on.
I have 6 and apart from with the first I was back to my normal household jobs within 3 days. Often breastfeeding newborn whilst cooking the dinner. You just get on with it surely?

I think people did tell me but I truly don't think you can comprehend it until you are in it. Because you haven't experienced the sheer exhaustion and the relentlessness of it all. The fact that once you have a child, there is no weekend, there is no break. That was what nearly killed me. I remember thinking "how hard can it be? How busy can you be when you don't have to work?". Dear god was I wrong.

Now I have two and I found the second way easier simply because I knew what to expect and my life wasn't my own anyway. There was no great mental shift to make. Plus my second did sleep through from about 4 weeks old. And slept in her moses basket during the day. I did do things differently with my second and she was able to self settle from an early age. I got a sleep consultant to get me a routine right from the word go. Don't know if that made the difference or if she was just a different baby but she is a better sleeper than my first and her sleeps are more structured, both day and night. That works much better for me.

But to answer your question - people do try and tell you, but I don't think you can understand until you are in it. I do tell my pregnant friends that it is really hard but I don't want to terrify them. They will learn and I then hope I can help them once they have had the baby.

I knew how hard it would be. I have DD. She is 9. I was older, wiser and in a stable relationship. I didn't have to return to work within weeks and I had my family around me.

All so different to when I had dd. This baby would be a doddle. I would be a serene earth mother.

Like fuck.

It has been harder than I ever imagined. But nothing anyone else could have said would have made a difference.

Bfing is hard. But I love it. Which sort of sums up having a newborn.

I don't think being told really helps. I had an excellent NCT teacher, who was a farmer and very down to earth. She explained everything.

I was still completely unprepared when DD came along.

You do get on with it BigButtons... because you have no choice. That doesn't mean you can't find it difficult or lonely, or feel like you've lost yourself. Feel like the professi

Feel like the professi

Arggggghhhhhh

Feel like the professional woman you were, only a week or so ago, had gone forever. And what you did know and what you were good at isn't going to help one little bit with this very small and very dependent baby. It's a big shock.

But for the pregnant women in this thread. It dies absolutely get better

You just get on with it surely?

Well yes and no. I have 6 too and there is no way that would have happened if I hadnt had ok (ish) pregnancies, normal easy labours and good sleepers who slotted in with the family so well. If my eldest had been a bad sleeper with reflux for example, would I have had 6? Probably not, I doubt I would even have had 2.

YANBU.

Few people have a realistic expectation of what it is like to have a newborn.

In fact I'd reword it a little.

Few people have a realistic expectation of what is normal behaviour for a newborn.

The first 3 months of a baby's life should be known universally as the 4th trimester.

Haven't RTFT, sorry, ^ that's my input to your OP.

Highlander

I love 4th trimester!

although mine lasts for at least 6 months, typically.

Bogey

I'm with you on that, I wouldn't have had this many if any of them had any serious problems or if I had PND or whatever.
but now that #7 is on it's way my body is finally telling me that this is the last time.
I'm very blessed I could make all these choices.

But then no-one prepares you for parenthood really. That's just part of life.
All parents are novices at the beginning, i'm not sure it's anyones' job to "prepare" you for it.

No-one prepares you for having a toddler, or a schoolage child with all the playground politics, or a child going through puberty, or a teenager- it all just happens and we have to cope.
No-one pushes parenthood upon us, it's a life decision we (hopefully) make of our own free will.

OP your baby is young yet, the truth is things don't get any "easier" as such, it's just the challenges change. Yes having a newborn means lack of sleep and physical recovery etc, but having a 2 year old is no less demanding as they run around sticking forks into electrical sockets and trying to make the dog eat soap.
At all stages children need attention and are challenging, whether it's tantrums, staying up late, bullying etc.

Things will change over the next few years- I can't say they get any easier, but the challenges do change.

No one can or should be expected to prepare us for any of these aspects of motherhood, That's just being a human parent.

Thanks everyone for your contributions.

I would like to make one thing clear, I was in no way complaining - I am loving having a newborn & while at times it does feel relentless/overwhelming when I look at his sweet face it is all worth it. My DH also put it in perspective as well, while complaining about another marathon Breastfeeding session my DH said "yeah but look at how much DS just sits there smiling at you & loving you. I'm incredibly jealous."

While my DS isn't a wonderful sleeper & it has been a challenge I look forward to & hope I'm able to have more children in the future. & when that time comes maybe I'll write a post about how no one told me it would be so difficult to have a toddler and a newborn.