AIBU to think that very few people have a realistic expectation of what it is like to have a newborn?

[CrispyCrochet]

My DS1 is only 2.5 months old and while pregnant everyone was dishing out advice and they continue to do so. Yet, even with all the advice I was given I still had no clue what I was in for. Yes, I knew that newborns slept a lot, ate and pooed but what I did not realise was that they would

a) breastfeed near enough constantly for those first couple of weeks
b) only sleep on me
c) how intense on demand BF would be

I posted several posts on MN along the veins of "Help! My 15 do baby won't settle" or "4 week old won't sleep in his moses basket" and "6 week old is BFing for HOURS is this normal?"

So AIBU to think that midwives/friends/family don't actually prepare us for this sort of thing? I see posts on MN literally everyday with someone asking those exact same questions. I know that some people will have newborns who happily go off to sleep in their moses baskets yeah right or what have you but is it fairly safe to say that most newborns only want mummy and no manner of tricks/tips can really get them to change - only time. All this nonsense about "routines" - can we all just agree that it is pretty much pointless until the baby is a wee bit older??

Should it be up to the midwives to actually give us a bit more of a real world perspective on what it is likely to be like with a newborn? I say this as my DS has essentially been in my arms since 11pm last night having slept in his moses basket for all of 3 hours & is currently sleeping on my lap with a boob in his mouth.











Maybe they did tell me it would be like this and I didn't listen...

[Nanny0gg]

You wouldn't have believed us...

Every experience is different and we would have been accused of peddling horror stories!

But now you know...

[MrsMook]

There seems to be a split in the effect of feeding method. BF exposes you more to the demands of growth spurts. Formula has its own concerns of quantities, and timings as it is harder to follow demand spontaneously. Advice from people of the formula, 4 hour feeds generation is often of little help to the more baby centric style of parenting of today.

The newborn phase is long when you're in it, and such a small part of parenting that it is easy to forget how unstructured and changable it is.

I suppose that having had two recovery heavy births, there wasn't much else I could do other than sit in bed or on a chair and bow to baby's demands.

[Hotmad]

I hear you crispy! I was no way prepared enough and maybe it was my own fault as I read so much during pregnancy about labour and giving birth I didn't read a thing about breast feeding! The reality of bf drained me so much, it was hardest thing I've ever done in the beginning and I kept it up for 2 months but couldn't cope no more and now we ff which I'm happier for to be honest. I'm glad I have her bm for as long as I could and I hope she will not suffer due to my selfish reasons but we all much happier as I said. Maybe if I was more prepared I could of handled it better who knows now.... But a newborn was a definite shock to my system and its only now at 3 months old I feel more confident and able. I agree with you 100%

[arethereanyleftatall]

I think.the exact opposite is true! We're told it's so difficult. And then both mine slept 20,hours per day, yes in their Moses baskets, and bf ing took 8 mins per side by week 2.
So, there's no point being told anything , cos noone knows what you'll get.
There are plenty like me who have none of the problems you cite, we'll be the ones sitting silent in the corner wondering what you're all talking about, unable to speak as then we're either smug or lying.

[hairypaws]

I remember with my first baby thinking why oh why did no one tell me it would be this hard? I guess we probably wouldn't want to hear it though, we're worried enough about labour going smoothly that to hear about the hell we are heading for just wouldn't be good. Oh goodness those first few weeks were really pretty awful.

[MyNameIsKenAdams]

I genuinely beleived that I would offer my baby the breast and they would know exactly what to do and my body would respond as nature intended. Well, that was a load of crap. I had the MWs to my bed every hour while at hospital (and I was in two full days). I hated it.

Had I known it would have been something I would have needed frequent support with, to call advispry lines or visit suppport grpups I would have resigned myself to bottle feeding from the start.

We dont learn though - Im pregnant again, and have visions of simply holding my newborn to the breast and nature just taking over. Even though part of me thinks "wouldnt it be dream" the sensible part keeps reminding me "it feels like your toenails are being plucked out"

[cory]

Not sure it was better or easier in the olden days. I have a large extended family, had had plenty of experience of babies, had parents and siblings around after birth - still didn't help me to deal with the idiosyncracies of my babies.

The practical help was great, the advice not so much.

My mother struggled to understand why a 4 pound 36 week baby might need to feed more frequently than her own fullterm 9 pounders. And she in turn was frightened by her MIL with horror stories about labour which turned out to have no relevance to her own fairly easy labours.

Where would be the point of telling somebody that "you and your dh will fight"? How do they know? Dh and I didn't. And it wouldn't have helped us at all to prepare for the totally different reality of a child with a medical condition. Nobody is going to have all problems. If you insinuate they will, they will just lose the will to live.

[PoppettyPing]

I agree OP. I think too that newborn babies' biology should be spoken about more too. They are tiny little helpless mammals with specific needs! It sounds obvious but the amount of times you hear people expecting teeny babies to sleep alone through the night or only feed every 4 hours, is mind boggling. They should also teach people that comfort is just as valid a need for babies as food and a dry nappy..

[Dollslikeyouandme]

I'm not sure, it depends I suppose on your personal experience.

People told me how horrific labour would be, how I'd never sleep again, my life would be over and I'd spend the rest of my life cover in poo and sick.

It actually all wasn't as bad as people made out, I did lots of reading up, and didn't have unrealistic expectations about ds sleeping through the night. I wasn't as tired as I was on maternity leave so could handle the nights.

So if I told things from my perspective...

[Callani]

I think the only way you can know what it's like to have a newborn is to have spent A LOT of time around them when growing up.

Otherwise it's like reading a book - you can understand what someone is saying about babies being up all night but you rationalise it as being up maybe two times a night, miraculously forget that this means they're awake for a prolonged period of time, and convince yourself that you'd only be losing out on an hour of sleep so "well if I go to bed at 10pm and get up at 7am then with 2 feeds that means I'll get about 8 hours of sleep!" Hahaha.

[wonderingsoul]

i think yab tiny bu

your never prepaired for a newborn, never mind your first, you could be told how tired you can be.. how overwhelming it is.. but you wont "get" it untill you are there in the midst of it.

not to mention that babies are soo different. both of mine where "perfect" babies.. i found under ones the easiest time of it all... its when they start walking n talking that i find hard

but i dont think you could just limit it just newborns. its all the stages.. im finding the school bit the hardest (5 and 8) and the stuff that co mes w ith worrying if their being kind ot others.. dealing with any bad behaviour at school... bassically letting them out of my veiw...and not being there to pull them up on behaviour.

[Dollslikeyouandme]

I just ignored all the 4 hour routine crap, I went with my baby's obvious cues of what he needed. He sorted his own loose routine by 6 months.

[CrispyCrochet]

I agree with what so many of you have written. Especially random - I am tired of people implying that I should have a routine or I need to "cut the chord" or the rod up my own back malarky. Because I love cuddling my little baby.

I have the rest of my life to sleep, clean, go for coffees, etc - but my DS1 will only be small enough to sleep on my lap for a few months. I'm enjoying every moment of it.

Ifcatshadthumbs I can totally see your point so even more reason for me to enjoy this time completely as you are right that I won't even be able to recreate it with subsequent babies.

I don't think this advice could put people off having babies if was delivered in the right way. & yes, not all babies are like this but I always feel it best to prepare for the worst (or the most difficult) and then be pleasantly surprised if it is better/easier. But I suppose that is a fairly pessimistic view to have.

[BoffinMum]

The problem is we have too few babies and hide people at home whilst they are having them. If it was normal to have about 10 and take them to work all the time, it would be common knowledge how babies behave.

That having been said, I think I worked most of it out apart from the general leakiness. I think I did not expect to ooze liquid from all orifices quite as often as I did. And that came as a shock every time (I have 4 DCs).

[hiccupgirl]

I will admit to having no idea about newborn babies other than you put a nappy on them and they cry a lot! I was totally shocked when one antenatal class was about looking after the baby - in my head i was totally focused on being pregnant and then having a child maybe 3+ and the reality of a baby wasn't in there anywhere.

It did mean I didn't have too many preconceived ideas about what I should do with my baby and I quickly threw advice books out the window.

And you can demand feed perfectly well while FF - my DS only ever took what he wanted and there was no way he'd finish a bottle if he didn't want it. And while the 1st is a lot easier you still can't sleep in the day if they take 4 30 mins naps a day and are not able to sleep longer than 30 mins at a time until they're over 7 months.

[Limakilobravo]

"Should it be up to the midwives to actually give us a bit more of a real world perspective on what it is likely to be like with a newborn?"

Unless the midwife has children they'll be learning from a book, which would be the same as you reading it from a book. Even if they do have children their personal experiences may widely differ from yours so still not be that useful! However, I've never heard anyone say that the newborn stage was a walk in the park! I think plenty of people tell you how difficult the not- knowing-what-to-do and sleep deprivation stage are. We just don't like to believe its true!

[FeelingEmbarrassed]

Good points about this time is precious and babies aren't like this for long at all so good to enjoy cuddles, put your feet up and watch tv or read mumsnet!! ;)
I forgot to mention that I love the way all other mums now talk to me with a sympathetic head tilt, are you ok? How are you coping?? :)

[harrassedswlondonmum]

Actually I think it was a bit easier in the olden pre-Internet days. The poster above nailed it with the reference to the current trend for "baby centric" parenting.

I did not manage to breast feed my first, and didn't even try with the 2nd or 3rd & 4th (twins). Four hourly feeding was roughly what we stuck to. I didn't keep them all in a cot right next to me - the snuffly noises they made drove me batty, so they were all in their own rooms from around the 8/9 week point. By that stage they slept 11 till 7. I'm not being smug, and I'm not lying, that's just how it was. I absolutely loved the tiny baby stage, even with my twins, and if they stayed like that I would have had more!

Had I been breast feeding, with the babies beside me, my experiences may have been very different. My failure to breast feed my first upset me until my lovely gp pointed out that ff may not be best but is a very close second best, and the most important thing is a happy mum.

I also think them being in their own rooms really helped. A lot of the noises they made would disturb me but did not amount to anything. I don't think there was the same feeling of pressure then to keep the baby in your room till at least 6 months.

[Stockhausen]

So many people formula feed, for a start... that I heard mum's saying "oh, he's due a feed at x o'clock" and baby would wake for a feed then sleep again. I breastfed on demand, so very much agree with you OP & had no idea how different breastfeeding would be.

Ds also seemed more awake & alert compared to formula fed babies, so it felt like quite a different experience to me.

[Sneezecakesmum]

No one tells you how hard it would be because you don't need to hear all this when you are pregnant! So it's a bit of a conspiracy of silence thing

When I have ventured to hint at the difficulty of bfing and the sleeping issues I am met with a smug 'that won't be me because I am organised and competent'.

[everythinghippie29]

I think people are fairly honest that the newborn stage is tough!

By the end of my pregnancy I kind of wanted to throttle the next person who told me to 'make the most of my sleep/on time whilst I still could' (especially as I was suffering pregnancy insomnia and was VERY fed up)

I'm breastfeeding on demand and it has been tough at points but I've found the internet to be amazingly useful. Forums like this offer a wealth of information for pretty much anything you come up against and although you can read TOO much, I don't know what I would have done without internet advice during the early stages of establishing BF. I've not had anything longer than 3 hours consecutive sleep since he arrived 9 weeks ago (and that's on a good night!) but I don't feel anywhere near as bad as I thought I would do. I don't know if that has just been luck or if my expectations of sleep deprivation were much worse after all the comments!

I think that there is a very fine line between preparing and scaremongering. As others have said every baby is massively different so it is difficult to offer blanket advice.

[Retropear]

Yanbu and I think it's one of the reasons why bfing rates past 6 weeks are so low.

It took me 7 years to have my twins and although I had every how to conceive and pregnancy book going I only had 1 how to look after a baby book which I barely glanced at prior to their birth.

I wasn't going to have dummies,formula,disposable nappies or wet wipes.Life was going to carry on as normal but with the addition of two little people.I was going to breast feed serenely until they were 2 and jog merrily down the road with my double buggy.

Ha bloody ha!

6 weeks after birth we had dummies in every room,two formula fed babies in disposable nappies and I could barely crawl out shell shocked to get a paper I was so exhausted.

Thanks for the honesty sisterhood.

[ikeaismylocal]

I was told that labour was horrendous, breastfeeding was difficult and painful, babies cry and grizzle for no reason and babies take ages to get to nap/sleep.

In my experience birth was enjoyable, breast feeding came naturally and was never painful, ds slept all the time I was actually worried he slept too much and he never cried.

I wish I hadn't been given so much doom inducing advice, now I tell expectant mums how lovely and easy it sometimes is.

( at the moment I'm breastfeeding my ill teething 14 month old whilst I'm ill myself and suffering from morning sickness, neither of us got much sleep last night. It hasn't been all easy for us, but the 1st few months were easy)

[bedraggledmumoftwo]

It was definitely a big shock for me! Now on dd2 and finding it so much easier simply because i knew what to expect.

i think it is a combination of those with newborns not wanting to scare the childless/ those with older children forgetting how awful it is/childless people not hearing/ understanding even if people do tell them. There is also the generational issue that older generations stayed in hospital for a week or two recovering from the birth, while the nurse took the baby away to sleep and only brought it for a feed every four hours! The reality today is very different!

[AnythingNotEverything]

I think part of it is that we get so wrapped up in "getting back to normal". There is no normal?! Life changes so much, especially with your first.

Only yesterday I answered a mum's plea about her two week old second baby's sleep. I gently told her to cuddle her baby more and stop worrying about making a rod for her back. I think she was grateful for permission!

We need to talk more about the fourth trimester, and the way that some cultures have an enforced period of 40 days' rest.

Equally, particularly with your first, it's a change you can't comprehend. You can't tell somebody something when they have no way to understand it.