AIBU to think that very few people have a realistic expectation of what it is like to have a newborn?

[CrispyCrochet]

My DS1 is only 2.5 months old and while pregnant everyone was dishing out advice and they continue to do so. Yet, even with all the advice I was given I still had no clue what I was in for. Yes, I knew that newborns slept a lot, ate and pooed but what I did not realise was that they would

a) breastfeed near enough constantly for those first couple of weeks
b) only sleep on me
c) how intense on demand BF would be

I posted several posts on MN along the veins of "Help! My 15 do baby won't settle" or "4 week old won't sleep in his moses basket" and "6 week old is BFing for HOURS is this normal?"

So AIBU to think that midwives/friends/family don't actually prepare us for this sort of thing? I see posts on MN literally everyday with someone asking those exact same questions. I know that some people will have newborns who happily go off to sleep in their moses baskets yeah right or what have you but is it fairly safe to say that most newborns only want mummy and no manner of tricks/tips can really get them to change - only time. All this nonsense about "routines" - can we all just agree that it is pretty much pointless until the baby is a wee bit older??

Should it be up to the midwives to actually give us a bit more of a real world perspective on what it is likely to be like with a newborn? I say this as my DS has essentially been in my arms since 11pm last night having slept in his moses basket for all of 3 hours & is currently sleeping on my lap with a boob in his mouth.











Maybe they did tell me it would be like this and I didn't listen...

[georgesdino]

I think a person finds it easier if they are pretty relaxed person eg. dont care if house is temporarily a mess, sleep whenever and just chill out, co sleep etc If you do it like that its not that much of a big deal having to do it ime. The more people panic the harder it is.

[Sparklingbrook]

The way I see it the baby will come into the world one way or another, it may be quick or it may not. But for most that bit will be over and done with and then the fun starts.

The next 6 weeks was far more stressful than anything the births threw at me.......

[TetrisBlock]

Yanbu op. Nobody can prepare you for the crushing sense of responsibility for another life. And the fact that it never stops!

I remember ds1's first Christmas. Everything was perfectly organised, house spotless, presents wrapped, breakfast prepared, my hair was lovely etc .

Went to pick ds up out of his cot to wake him for his first magical Christmas and put him in his new outfit. Poo. Everywhere. All over his babygrow. All over him. All over his cot, the walls, everywhere. I almost cried. And suddenly realised that being the mother of a baby never stops. Not even on Christmas morning are you free of poo and washing.

[GuybrushThreepwoodMP]

Haha! Nope, no bad fanny tales here! In fact I survived without a scratch and have a stronger pelvic floor now than ever! I do tend not to tell them about my 72 hour labour though...

[mumminio]

yanbu birth was traumatic experience and newborn demands were unrelenting. I remember feeling rather peeved at having learnt so much at school about equal right etc but NOTHING about what it's like to have a child. Pretty fundamental, right? Would love there to be a class for 14 year olds about dealing with a newborn...might lower the teenage pregnancy rate too lol

Childbirth prep classes were a joke, the breathing was helpful fo rthe 12 hours of labour, but of absolutely NO help for the following 6 months!! DEFINITELY a big knowledge gap.

[Sparklingbrook]

Sewn up fanny twice here. The worst bit for me was trying not to fart in the stitching person's face.

[IdaClair]

I think we all find different ages and stages hard, not everyone will find it hard to have a newborn and that is not just because they have 'easy' newborns - same as any other stage tbh. Some people will enjoy teens some people will tell you it is he'll on earth. Some people love the toddler stage, some people can't wait for it to be over.

I find newborns easy. They want so little. Even the ones who constantly feed and scream and never sleep, and 8've had my share there, you just go with it, people are understanding, most of the time you don't have to work, you can just spend all day giving them what they need and MNing endlessly, or pootling around eating cake in coffee shops.

I find toddlers hard. There are so many things that they need, so many dangers to see before they do, so much lifting and bending and physical work to do, never a minute to get things sorted without them destroying it, you don't get food to yourself or to drink a hot drink, they are intent on running into the road, they eat stuff a dog wouldn't and fling themselves down steps and into the road. Going for a coffee turns into having a tepid cup of sludge at some awful playgroup or soft play, doing your hair turns into fighting to stop them getting third degree burns from your straighteners, you have to choose between getting out of the shower to stop them or accept you will end to fish all your toiletries literally out of the toilet when you are done...being out of babyhood is no guarantee of sleep, and they are biting kicking whirling little terrors at times!

I find preschoolers lovely when they are old enough to understand and follow simple instructions, to do crafts or watch a film or be entertained by something other than destroying things or hanging themselves on the blind cord.

I find school age children pretty simple, they are in control of themselves for the most part and have a strong predictable rhythm to life. They are enjoying so many discoveries.

I'm yet to get to teens but hope to enjoy it.

Everyone will have different descriptions of the stages but everyone has different children and different experiences. None are right or wrong, but I firmly believe each child will be a tough one at some stage. If they are easy so far it may just be a matter of time.....it also depends what stage you are at.....

[Oblomov]

No one can prepare you.
It really is that simple. It wouldn't matter what anyone said.

[Sparklingbrook]

Don't they say the hardest stage is the one you are currently going through?

I have a male teen. The newborn stage suddenly looks appealing.

[mrscog]

Nods sagely at Ida

OP YANBU, in fact I was only discussing this the other day. We're so far detached from understanding normal newborn behaviour that it leads to lots of unnecessary anxiety.

In the 'wild' a bf newborn would have between 50-100 feeds per day, whilst just snuggling it's recovering mother.

I really think it should be promoted that the first 6 weeks after birth are for recovery (however you birthed/or how your feeding), not getting out of PJs is fine, you shouldn't be doing housework/cooking etc. obviously some people would buck this trend and that's fine, but I really think it would help new Mums give themselves a bit of a break.

[TetrisBlock]

IdaClair just described my life right now! But you're right, it's so much more fun once they are toddlers. The comedy value and cuteness almost make up for the hard work!

[needtobediscreet]

YANBU at all.

Despite doing every ante natal class under the sun, I still found the following a complete shock:

• how long (latent and overall) labour would go on for - over 3 days in my case

• how much pain I'd be in after said labour and difficult delivery and how utterly exhausted I'd feel but how little sleep I'd get for a very long time.

• how difficult, relentless and painful breastfeeding would be. We had awful difficulties which persisted long after the first few weeks, including the pain.

• how difficult it would be to get much done, beyond caring for my little one for the first few months. I don't think the constant pushing of mum and baby classes esp things like buggyfit helped as I felt under a lot of pressure to be like other mums with babies the same age as mine who seemed to be going to everything and hosting gatherings at their homes complete with cakes they had just baked...

• how draining and upsetting a baby with colic is.

Sending hugs. It does get easier I promise. xx

[plentyofsoap]

I had a five year gap so I had pretty much forgotten how painful the lack of sleep could be.
Both mine have not been too bad, but trying to recover from childbirth with a newborn plus another small person is an experience I will not be repeating.

[needtobediscreet]

Oh and cluster feeding - roughly 8-11pm every night more or less, interspersed with / followed by at least an hour of purple faced colicy screaming. Or that during growth spurts they can feed for four hours straight....! I thought I'd get piles!

Forget routines but do try to put them for daytime naps where possible. Mine needed help to learn to sleep but got there in the end. We never did sleep training or controlled crying either.

[ILiveInAPineappleCoveredInSnow]

It's also a sign of being a mum that I can pull up my jeans and fasten them with one hand after having a wee one handed :)

[nickymanchester]

I don't think anyone has mentioned this yet, but just to add to the list nobody ever told me about the possibility of getting mastitis.

I thought that was just something to do with cows on The Archers.

[Caitlin17]

I was told several untruths about breastfeeding.

[MsLT]

Advice from people of the formula, 4 hour feeds generation is often of little help to the more baby centric style of parenting of today.

Ah yes, 'baby centric' Mums (of yesteryear) rolled their eyes at me and my fat little FF babies too.
I was never tired, they slept well and we were so happy!
I did it all wrong.

[benefitofhindsight]

YANBU I think we should all be told to be prepared for the fact that there may well be a little person glued to you constantly for the first few months, a little person who may well spend literally hours of the day crying no matter what you do, a little person who even though when someone else picks them up they say 'they are so light, so tiny', soon doesn't feel so light or tiny when you are carrying them about for 18 hours a day. I could go on and on, I am so sick of hearing about other peoples' babies who are 'so easy going' and 'chilled out' and only wake up once or twice. I find it so infuriating going to baby groups where other mothers just give sympathetic looks when you talk about the terrible nights and refusal to nap in a cot. I want to shoot them all. And when we comment how tired we are, we get little more than eye rolling from sil who doesn't have dcs yet but knows from all her friends that it's 'not that hard'

[Longtalljosie]

I did tell a close friend. I was succinct but frank, and watched her eyes glaze over and her la-la-la birthy hormones plug her ears up. Then a couple of months later she asked why I hadn't warned her...

[deakymom]

pmsl i had no clue!! i had never even changed a nappy! so lucky my daughter was a fairly good sleeper and my cat always used wake me up when she cried as i am a sound sleeper!

[Bogeyface]

~No they dont warn you for 2 reasons. 1) if they did you wouldnt believe them and 2) no one would ever have babies!

[Bogeyface]

Never forget the "But I will be a FAAR better mother than you/her/them. Clearly your baby doesnt sleep because of you, mine will read She Who Must Not Be Named in utero and will follow routines from day one!"

Note...babies dont read that same books we do, they read This!!