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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best friend and her PFB 1st birthday party.

414 replies

OkieDokie · 24/02/2014 08:09

Ok so my best friends DS will be 1 in a couple of weeks. She's having a big party and I've helped her find a room and gave her some caterers numbers for the food.

She's made a few new friends from NCT and some baby groups which I'm happy about as my children are 6, 4 and 2 so probably forgotten what's like to just have a PFB.

Anyway, she told me last week that's she's got some activities like pass the parcel etc but only the one year olds can play the games. She's also renting soft play pieces and getting in some kind of face painter but again only for the 1 year olds.

She said bluntly that I was to keep my kids off the soft play stuff and make sure they don't join in. AIBU to think this is really off? There will be about 20 odd kids from 2-8 and I'm just not sure how I'll keep my 3 off the stuff. Obviously, I'll tell them not to but as I'm 7 months pregnant and I really don't need the extra pressure. The kids will be confused as every party they've been to before they have been encouraged to join in.

I don't know what to say to her and I don't want to fall out over something so silly. I think she doesn't appreciate what it's like to have older kids and wonder why she's invited people with older kids if they're expected to just sit still?

OP posts:
MummyPigsFatTummy · 24/02/2014 11:13

I would give anything to be a fly on the wall at this party (though not sure I would have the stamina for 4 hours of it). It is hysterical that she thinks it is poor discipline not to be able to put a bouncy castle/face painting/soft play etc. in front of small children without them getting upset about it.

But it is also really sad that she thinks this is even an acceptable thing to try to do. How can you invite guests to a party and then tell half or whatever fraction of them they cannot join in with ANY of the fun stuff? You wouldn't do it to adults. You either invite all the children and give them all something fun and age appropriate to do or you don't invite them. What she is trying to do is actually a really unpleasant thing, and I would tell her so OP.

And 30 for a party bag? What is she putting in them?

Aeroflotgirl · 24/02/2014 11:15

Good idea TSSSDN you go op, and leave kids with dad to have some fun, and watch it all with a tea and cake Smile

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 24/02/2014 11:17

Yes, you need to speak to her.

You say she's a good friend. Cool - but you also say she's spoken 'bluntly' to you about it. Fine, so as close friends that's your cue to feel ok to speak equally bluntly back, yes?

Tell her you're concerned. Your kids might just be bribed to stay away from all the party entertainment but they won't be happy about it. Other kids you can't speak for but you are telling her NOW that it's NOT a good idea and will end badly. And you don't want her to end up upset at the way it all pans out.

Then stand well back, bribe your kids with cake, smile a lot and leave early.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 24/02/2014 11:17

Can I come? I'd like a £30 party bag and I'm not bothered about soft play.

Nanny0gg · 24/02/2014 11:17

Seriously OP. Find yourself the missing Grip and then pass it on to your friend.

You really must tell her how out of order all this is - or put up with it all and accept the misery and carnage it will be.

How could you not be straight with someone you consider a close friend?

Aeroflotgirl · 24/02/2014 11:18

Exactly mummy it's very unacceptable to invite children to a party and tell them that they cannot join in the fun stuff. What is she putting on for the older kids then, oh they just have to sit and watch tge little ones have fun!

Ubik1 · 24/02/2014 11:19

Oh dear

Is she laying on tea/coffee food for the adults? If so, send your DC out with your husband, go and join in party. Put feet up, eat cake, pat bump and not do anything because you're pregnant.

And yeah - one year old playing pass the parcel Grin that'll be good. Oh and she should have a first aid box for the soft play babies Wink

YellowDinosaur · 24/02/2014 11:20

This is what will happen at her party. Lots and lots of this. Both when the older children are not allowed to join in and for at least some of the babies when the parcel is taketh away from them in pass the parcel.

These pictures of babies crying were taken by giving them sweets /treats and then taking them away. Precisely what she is proposing to do...

Original poster
OkieDokie · 24/02/2014 11:20

I know she's crazy and I know I'm being a mug. It all started fairly small as she was going to have a little tea party for their family and then she was going to take the mums with 1 year olds to lunch and a couple of us and them were going to go for a day out when it's warmer to celebrate a few birthdays.

Once the mums she knew started having bigger and bigger parties over the last 3 months she's upped and upped it until now it's costing a fortune. Think she equates money and happiness and thinks her friends will like her more the more she spends.

I've told her it doesn't matter but as I work PT and soon to have 4 kids I don't have as much time as I did and she doesn't want to be alone. She's never been confident in doing things on her own and like to have a friend to go shopping/soft play/ groups with.

I know it will end badly, but I'm hoping once the party starts she'll see everyone having fun and just relax. I will talk to her this lunch though and tell her I won't be stopping kids and think it'll go wrong. I don't want to spoil her DS's birthday and I don't want to see her upset.

OP posts:
GoofyIsACow · 24/02/2014 11:21

Shameless place marking to see how this turns out, OP she is bonkers... Truly!

Ev1lEdna · 24/02/2014 11:21

I'm sorry I have committed the sin of not reading the whole thread (I am going to) just from the OP and the first couple of pages I have to say this is the craziest thing and only someone without kids or with one young baby could suggest you could keep kids aged 2 - 6 off those things at a party. My youngest is 6 I just woulnd't take him rather than taunt the poor child with things he couldn't take part in., It is utterly ridiculous. I would go alone for 10 minutes with a gift as she is a friend and then leave to take my children somewhere they can actually PLAY! They are children FFS. The mere thought of you, OP, pregnant trying to keep a 2 year old off tantalising toys is crazy-nuts-mental. Your friend is tripping. Seriously.

MackerelOfFact · 24/02/2014 11:21

She is bonkers. By all means leave the soft play to the little ones (and by that, I mean under-3s) but the pass the parcel and face painting could really be used to keep the older ones entertained.

I get that it's a first birthday party and there will be lots of children who are one. But you cater to everyone you invite, surely? My dad had a massive birthday party recently and we made sure that everyone - from babes in arms to nonagenarians - would be entertained, fed and comfortable in a manner suited to their age. Because you just DO.

I can just picture wriggly, screaming one-year-olds being forced to have their faces painted, while the primary-school-aged children are chomping at the bit to have theirs done and being told that it's only for the babies. Who are clearly hating every second.

HugAndRoll · 24/02/2014 11:22

Just trying to be nice here, maybe the party bags will be handed out first and contain activities for the older children but are supposed to be a surprise...

If not she is totally bonkers. If your children have to go with you take games for them to play and books etc. It's not her desicion to make, if she won't entertain them you will need to make sure they have fun. She can't say anything when you've set it up or she'll look even more unhinged.

Floggingmolly · 24/02/2014 11:24

It's actually a bit sad, really... All this ridiculous nonsense for the sole purpose of impressing her newfound friends is bad enough; but the certainty that far from being impressed they'll just see her as a complete and utter tool is like watching a car crash happen in slow motion.
Tell her, op, and stop enabling her by letting her think you're on board. Hmm

Original poster
OkieDokie · 24/02/2014 11:24

Yep £30 party bag with books, craft kits, pencils, balls, bubbles, cuddly toys, playdoh, animal figures/cars and the like. Oh and no they can't have them at the start of the party as they'd have nothing to go home with. Yes I know how stupid this is and it's like talking to a brick wall at times.

OP posts:
PrincessScrumpy · 24/02/2014 11:25

she's your best friend and really wants you there

no she doesn't really want you there or she would have ensured your dc were welcome. A four year old can play gently with a 1-year-old and just be told to be careful as there are lots of little ones. As a mum you would need to watch closely obviously but even pass the parcel could have the older ones as "helpers". An eight year old could do lots of helping (my 6 year old is fab with her 2 younger sisters) so there are ways to include them. Your friend is being unwelcoming and not showing signs to me that she wants you there at all just feels obliged to invite you. Sorry.

TrucksAndDinosaurs · 24/02/2014 11:25

Just marking place for update shameless

MrsCakesPremonition · 24/02/2014 11:25

If she is genuinely a lovely person, who you care about and whom you be sad to see hurt... then you need to tell her that she must provide an activity for the older children.

Can you suggest that the older children get their party bags at the start of the party? Maybe the contents would keep them amused?

At the very least she could provide some blank paper, some templates of CBeebies characters (off the CBeebies website) and plenty of crayons and pencils - maybe hold a colouring competition with prizes for (lots) of different categories at the end.

MacBee · 24/02/2014 11:26

Wow. I feel a bit sorry for the OPs friend. She's clearly piling the pressure on herself to host the most amazing 1st birthday party ever.
(I bet her second DC doesn't get quite the same experience though!)

That being said, she is going mad and putting more unfair pressure on the OP. Definitely have a quiet word with her DP; maybe if you stage an intervention together you can put a stop to most of the madness before it has a chance to go even more over the top.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/02/2014 11:27

She's been blunt with you, you need to be straight with her and tell it how it is. You have known her for a long time so you should be able to be open with her. It is not acceptable and she will come to realise this in time. Yes the party is about her ds, but you have to think about your kids, and don't do her dirty work, she has to take responsibility for her actions.

Floggingmolly · 24/02/2014 11:30

I don't know many 4 year olds who'd be happy to sit quietly colouring in while a soft play area is set up tantalisingly close by, and they're told they mustn't go near it.
Nobody would willingly bring their kids to a party like that, surely?
And yet op knows in advance, and is still contemplating it Hmm

Aeroflotgirl · 24/02/2014 11:33

I wouldn't go op why put you and your kids through that. If you do stay an hour or so and make your excuses, , 4 hours to expect a 2 and 4 year old to entertain themselves. She is very selfish

YouAreTalkingRubbish · 24/02/2014 11:33

Are you sure she isn't kidding you? It sounds really Confused Hmm

AlpacaLypse · 24/02/2014 11:38

Is there any reason why the softplay can't be divided into sessions?

When I was supervising a bouncy castle at a fete we blew a whistle every five/ten minutes, it meant all tinies off and big children on, and then swap again etc etc.

Ev1lEdna · 24/02/2014 11:41

Ah OP I have read it now and I agree with most of the posts. Don't show her the thread it will kick off and you won't be friends any more. She sounds like she is a little clueless and perhaps a bit over excited at organising her fist children's party (doing it all). As everyone says 1 year olds (as we all know) won't sit still for face painting and will blankly look at the parcel, and not pass it - the first one will rip half the paper off it anyway! Your friend is making life difficult for herself anyway and so will get a little karma that way any how.

I do hate all this 'keeping up with the Joneses' upping the party ante crap. It went on here for a bit and I just thought NO and had a small at home party with traditional party games (pin the tail, pass the parcel, some balloon jumping etc. - older kids arounf 4-5 though) The kids adored it and tons of mothers praised it and seemed relieved more than anything. They all commented on how nice it was to have a low key party like the ones we were brought up with. Most importantly my child loved it.

At one her child will be fractious and freaked out by 4 hours of chaos and alas he and her won't have enjoyed it at all. I feel a bit bad for her, crazy as she is.

She obviously means a lot to you so go and maybe take the little one (unless your other kids would be upset) or go and see but if yours get upset at the exclusive nature of the party take them home again. Four hours! Insane! Are they serving gin? I hope so.