Are you financially independent?

[GuybrushThreepwoodMP]

So I am massively in favour of financial equality in a relationship. DH and I have a joint account into which both our salaries go and we both have free access to this. We don't have much spare money, but we manage our general life costs and spend within our means. DH earns more than me and since we had our daughter 18 months ago, I work part time (20 hours a week). We share everything.
But I'm not financially independent am I? Because if we split up (not something that is likely to happen, but it's good to plan!), I wouldn't be able to manage. The majority of what I earn goes on childcare (in reality, we obviously party childcare from our joint money, but if I didn't work we wouldn't have to pay it at all do it's a legitimate calculation to make). Alone I would be left with maybe £300/month after childcare and not much more if I went full time. We rent in an expensive city and it's a struggle to find anything under £1000/month.
So I guess what I'm asking is how does one become truly financially independent? Do you just have to earn loads yourself- enough so that you could manage everything alone? Or doesn't it matter?

An eye opening thread (for me, and others it seemed) was posted on here a couple of years ago.

Don't give up work to be a SAHM

It made me realise how foolish I had been, being so quick to stop working without a clear plan to get back into work post births of DD1, DD2 and DS (3 babies in 3 years). I was totally reliant on DH for finances and at the time it didn't worry me as we are a team, in love, we would never split up/die/get ill because we are invincible etc.

And then I read that thread and talked to some others in RL and realised I couldn't assume being financially dependent on DH was a realistic option anymore (nor had it ever been). It gave me the kick up the bum I needed to get back the balance that we as women should never give up.

With that new found motivation I was lucky to be able to go back to work when DS was 1 full time and at the same level I left at 4 years previously, and am now earning nearly £70k p/a and nearly double DH (but he gets amazing perks like housing etc, as we are diplomats and live overseas) and together we have a healthy future... should the worst happen however, I am well placed to be able to look after myself and the 3 DC (FT career, life insurance etc). I still like to think of myself as a glass half full person, but now plan for the worst and feel secure knowing should the worst happen, I won't be fucked (like a lot of the women on that thread above found themselves to be).

I remember reading that thread. Funny how so many women who totally trusted their husbands, never thought they'd get shafted, that it could never happen to them etc etc found the reality to be very different. Best not to take anything for granted in my opinion.

Pagwatch, do you mind me asking how you are financially independent? Seems to be some sort of sahm Holy Grail. Have you got savings from a week-paid job? You don't have to answer- I'm just interested.

Indeed Apatite1... I absolutely don't think my husband would ever leave me, cheat on me etc, but reading those women's accounts was harrowing and really opened my eyes. I literally got on the phone to a recruitment agent that day! And had a job sorted 8 weeks later (and have never looked back.... tbh the financial independence has been just one benefit... going back to work has made me so much happier in all areas of my life). Mumsnet really can change your life!

I am financially independent. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Left school with no qualifications and was pregnant by 16.

Gained 20 years work experience, degree, post grad and had another child along the way. Have been with my partner for 12 years (not married and never will be), separate bank accounts - split all bills 50:50. I have a substantial 'running away fund' and the house is in my name.

He could leave tomorrow and I would financially be good - seems harsh but once bitten twice shy.

Big thumbs up to you Boobz. Bet you sleep better at night now that you've got more security if things go tits up.

Boobz, that is brilliant

No, but neither is DH, we are very reliant on each other to keep our family going financially and practically.

If I died he couldn't afford the child care for 3 babies and he couldn't take care of them and work. He have to quit his job and live off the state. I'm a sahm so if he died I would end up on benefits as well.

We don't have any savings but I am hoping soon that we can get some decent life insurance on both of us so the above scenarios don't happen but we will see. It always seems like there is somethign more important to spend our money on :(

Yes, and have a SAHD at home taking care of DS - but if we were to split up (no plans at the moment), I could afford childcare as well. No lottery wins, just the degree and work hard way.

I am - always have been and always will be because I never gave up work, other than mat leaves. I am in the sense of the other posters here - living standard would drop but I earn more (only in the last year) and everything has always been 50:50 - money, childcare etc. So would be perfectly able to pay my mortgage and look after my children - with or without DP.

I am probably in a slightly better position than him because I control all the finances (due to his disinterest) and know where all the accounts are and what all the passwords are :).

Yes, I remember that thread too and agree it made scary reading!

In my case I think that I would be OK, not because DH and I will be together forever (although I hope we will!) but because if we got divorced I believe a solicitor would be able to get me a good financial settlement based on my understanding of the law in similar situations.

Having said that I am planning to return to work later this year.

I can give you the broad idea Guybrush.

Left school at 18. Went to workin the city at crap/lowly job. Worked hard. After the first few years of barely managing i started putting away anything i could. I grew up very poor so it was a big deal form me.
In 1985 I bought a house with a friend. Then met DH. He was just like me - straight out of school after A levels and starting right at the bottom in the city.
Worked for a total of 16 years saving all I could. My money from my first house paid for half of our first home. I was primary earner all that time.
10 years ago when DH wanted to start up on his own itwas as much my money as his that provided working capital etc. I am/was joint investor.
Company did well. I re-invest profits. Mortgage paid off - half mine. 2nd place in Spain - half mine. Etc etc etc.
I've always been freakish about savings etc. all the children have pensions already.
We had years of living really carefully. No credit etc. we have only just sold our 10 year old passat, which was second hand when we bought it.
Obviously the fact that we could manage without credit is one of the ways in which we were lucky. But to be honest we have no business having done this well. It was something none of our peers with exactly the same oppertunities did. We were highly motivated by being poor and then having a profoundly disabled son.

It's more complicated than that actually, including things like well timed and very profitable house sales, but you get the idea.

And I know that several times when DH could have screwed me over he didn't/wouldn't. And I never went 'oh well, I don't earn now so he is in charge of the finances'

Does that make sense?

Of course, the fact that I m in my 50s and DH in his 40s makes our lives slightly unconventional for sahm-hood...

I'm financially independent, this was very important when I got divorced. I think getting started in a career and not completely giving it up is important.

Yes, independent. I went back to work FT after DD1 and DD2. I worked full time for 20 years (though went part time recently) and we have built up our savings.

Pag I so identify with that

I think it should be increasingly common - women who helped create the family 'fund' and remain actively involved even if/when they interrupt their working life.

I do think the fact that most women are financially "underachieving" compared to the men in their lives is that the age is is usually weighted the other way Pag that and that even if they were the same age they'd still make a 1/3 less for the same job

But your situation is quite unique, I'd love to have that kind of dedication to saving.

@mydelilah, that is a different scenario to the one painted in the OP. I agree that the family should have insurance/contingency for critical illness/ death, both now and in old age. We (my family) are deficient on these at the moment and this thread has served as a good reminder.

yes, I am -however I am now an ex wife!
I was always financially independent. I had a separate account and earned 3x what my ex h did. My job was important.
I never expected it to be any different but then was lucky in that we didn't have to deal with an ill child or a child/parent/relative with additional needs.
We considered him giving up work at one point as childcare was so expensive. We are glad that he remained in work as he would now be in a v poor position in the job market.

No,I am a SAHM (15 years) but DH and I depend equally on each other, eg I do childcare for our 5 and he works. However I am nearing completion of a degree and looking to do voluntary work soon and then maybe part time paid work. SAH enabled me to better me education. So I feel more secure should I need to seek work in future and also want to do something when kids are older.

better my education not 'me education'!!

Don't need to be financially independent, am married. I earn all the money, and it is 100% the property of the family, not me.

ahlahktuhflomp, Sadly there's people who have thought that in the past but from the opposite viewpoint. So SAHP thinks the money is the family money. Working partner leaves for a bit on the side. SAHP suddenly has no income, hasn't worked for ten years and can't find a job.

Actually, I've been thinking about it. And I don't know anyone male or female who could afford to have a couple of small children and be a single parent with out using state help. The majority of people just don't make enough money so worrying about being "financially independent" is a bit pointless for most of us