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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are you financially independent?

201 replies

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 23/02/2014 20:38

So I am massively in favour of financial equality in a relationship. DH and I have a joint account into which both our salaries go and we both have free access to this. We don't have much spare money, but we manage our general life costs and spend within our means. DH earns more than me and since we had our daughter 18 months ago, I work part time (20 hours a week). We share everything.
But I'm not financially independent am I? Because if we split up (not something that is likely to happen, but it's good to plan!), I wouldn't be able to manage. The majority of what I earn goes on childcare (in reality, we obviously party childcare from our joint money, but if I didn't work we wouldn't have to pay it at all do it's a legitimate calculation to make). Alone I would be left with maybe £300/month after childcare and not much more if I went full time. We rent in an expensive city and it's a struggle to find anything under £1000/month.
So I guess what I'm asking is how does one become truly financially independent? Do you just have to earn loads yourself- enough so that you could manage everything alone? Or doesn't it matter?

OP posts:
MeMySonAndI · 23/02/2014 21:56

"If you got divorced then benefits would pay all your bills and childcare so it doesnt really matter."

HA! It doesn't work like that! yes benefits can help but unless you are used to live with very little, it is going to be a struggle.

I have to say that benefits as a single mother is something that you have to see as a subsidy you are getting while you get up on your own feet. It is not something that you can make your living out of really. (whatever the news make you think).

Most people who get benefits are actually employed (and struggling hence the benefits!)

Corygal · 23/02/2014 21:57

Yes. All my boyfriends have never earned much.

Though I love independence, I have to say that I really wouldn't mind being able to rely on someone for a bit sometimes. I used to think feminism meant splendid isolation financially - now I think it means getting the best deal there is, which does mean that men have to pay their way and look after you.

edwinbear · 23/02/2014 22:00

I have to say that benefits as a single mother is something that you have to see as a subsidy you are getting while you get up on your own feet.

This is one of the most sensible things I have read in a very long time.

georgesdino · 23/02/2014 22:02

Yeah I suppose it depends on your circumstances. Our bills eg mortgage, water, council tax, sky, broadband, both smart phones, car insurance, house insurance,life insurance, gas and electric only comes to 800 so I would just go on benefits.

30ish · 23/02/2014 22:05

Yes, I earn far more than my DH. We never discuss it though. It just is.

LaGuardia · 23/02/2014 22:06

Yes, I am completely financially independent. Made too many mistakes in the past with joint bank accounts, etc. DP has absolutely no idea what I earn and what I have saved. You do not have to share everything.

edwinbear · 23/02/2014 22:06

Whereas even as a single parent, I wouldn't qualify for a penny of benefits, tax credits etc. And i like it like that. Unless of course i lost my job. In which case i would be properly fucked.

Mydelilah · 23/02/2014 22:09

I am financially independent, earn more than DH (but not loads more - 25% or so). I could run our house/lifestyle and support DC alone without DH.

Being financially independent is very important to me and I wouldn't have it any other way. It is key to me feeling secure and also provides an equilibrium in our relationship that I appreciate. That said, our funds are completely pooled, we have only one joint account and make shared savings/investments/joint decisions on everything. Independence doesn't mean you are not a team.

pancakedayiscoming · 23/02/2014 22:13

I wasn't in my first marriage. We suffered from lots of inequality and as I made my way up he felt threatened, we couldn't manage the change in the power dynamic and divorced. In my current relationship we have always been equal. I earn about 10% more but we pay in according to the percentage split. We are very happy, and there are no power struggles, we are equal and independent, mutually supportive, able to give too each other, it's the basis for generosity for us rather than worry about things not being fair or that one I'd us could leave the other high and dry.

AntiJamDidi · 23/02/2014 22:17

I'm financially independent in the sense that if dp left we would survive in a similar lifestyle to the one we have now. I earn more than dp, approx double his salary. My income covers all of our outgoings but we'd have to cut back on luxuries.

FantasticMax · 23/02/2014 22:27

I would say that I am, also earn too much for any benefits. DH and I earn similar salaries (with him full time, I work 4 days a week) but my future earning potential is better. If we split up I would have to downsize and readjust my lifestyle somewhat but it's definitely do-able.

I have no plans to split up with DH, but I am so glad that I could afford to if I had to, if that makes sense.

LittleBabySqueakSqueak · 23/02/2014 22:35

At present yes, because I inherited the house before I met DH so we're mortgage-free. If he died I could manage on my income. If we split it would be tighter because assets would have to be shared but I'd manage. (It's not strictly true that inherited property won't be shared; the court takes it into account if it's needed to see that both parties' needs are met.)

We're hoping to move to a bigger house within the next couple of years, and I wouldn't be able to afford that on my own. If it was just DD and me we'd move back to a smaller place though.

ceeveebee · 23/02/2014 22:37

I used to be before DCs; DH and I earned about the same and used to have a lot of disposable income.
Now I earn less (changed career so I could go part time resulting in 40% less salary) and we have two preschoolers with a childcare bill of c£30k per annum. If I had to pay all childcare out of what I earn, I would not be left with enough to pay housing costs never mind food and everything else. But then, neither would he. We'd be ok if we sold our house and moved to a cheaper area though. And I have enough in savings/investments in my own name to give me a few months breathing space.

mousmous · 23/02/2014 22:39

yes
I earn a good wage and could, theoretically pay the bills on my own.
it's nice not to, but reassuring to know.

comicsansisevil · 23/02/2014 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenofLouisiana · 23/02/2014 22:42

Yes, I am. Not saying that I would be able to live in the same way I do now, but I could maintain the house and DS would be ok.

However, I work full time in a reasonable job, only have one child (old enough for school) and don't have a huge mortgage. I think I'd downsize if DS and I were on our own to lower the mortgage as much as possible.

AnyFuckerHQ · 23/02/2014 22:53

I don't think "financially independent" and *having the exact same standard of living" are mutually interchangeable here

Of course, having 2 incomes gives a better standard of living

Or couples wouldn't do it at all, surely Smile

noddyholder · 23/02/2014 22:54

Yes

TheFallenMadonna · 23/02/2014 23:05

Not independent as our finances are mixed up together. But were we to separate and untangle them, I could afford to remain in this house and pay the bills.

coastereer · 23/02/2014 23:08

I'm a sahm but I have enough investments in my name (as it is the most tax efficient way) so I could retain a similar standard of living if anything were to happen to DH or our relationship. I'm not financially independent though as our living costs come from these investments and DH's earnings. I haven't worked for 16+ years. According to Dsis (family lawyer) I would get a good divorce settlement as I care for DD who has SN, meaning I would need a good level of maintenance and this would continue beyond her childhood as she's unlikely to ever live independently. DH has a good death in service package from work as well as life assurance.

thornrose · 23/02/2014 23:14

I am dd's only parent since her dad died. I have no choice but to be financially independent!

Permanentlyexhausted · 23/02/2014 23:14

Yes, completely financially independent in that I could support all of us on my salary alone. We'd have to tighten our belts a little but it is certainly manageable.

greenbananas · 24/02/2014 00:14

I am almost completely financially dependent. This is what DH and I agreed before we had children, but I know that sometimes he feels the stress of being the 'only' provider. He is always worrying about whether or not his job is secure.

I am a childminder, and can earn a bit - but because I have 2 young children this is peanuts compared to DH's (not amazing) salary.

If DH died, the mortgage would be paid off, and I would receive some benefits, so we could just about cope.

If DH left me, we would be totally sunk...

AmIthatWintry · 24/02/2014 00:52

I am financially independent because I have been on my own with DD for 12 years, so I have had to be.

I do worry about losing my job though, as I have no-one to fall back on.

And I'm sorry but I am a single parent and I certainly don't get bills and childcare paid for me. I get a small amount of child tax credit, and DD's DLA.

I pay everything else myself

BraveMerida · 24/02/2014 01:06

Yes I was before we got married. I had my own flat and he had his, then we sold them and pooled our assets to buy the family home in joint name.

As the years have passed and with the birth of Dc, our finances have become more merged. Thirteen years ago I earnt more than he did, now he earns more and with me becoming a Sahm only in recent months, we now only have his income. I have pensions and isas in my name and if I have to I believe I can get a job and be completely financially independent again but there will have to be a dramatic change in the lifestyle.