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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a chairty collection instead of presents at my child's birthday parties?

436 replies

unlucky83 · 23/02/2014 17:48

My DCs don't get a birthday present - they get a party instead. They have a great party ...creates memories... and I don't have to buy them something just because it is their birthday (they are both just after Christmas anyway)... I think a great experience...only one problem - presents!
When DD1 had her first big party I hadn't even thought about it - then after I watched her open 20+ presents and honestly it made me feel a bit sick - it was just too much and although the presents were lovely they weren't really needed...we have too much 'stuff' anyway (clutter everywhere) and whatever someone buys if it ends up in a charity shop it is never going to make what was paid for it...
I then decided that if she was going to have a big (whole class) party that she wasn't going to have presents as well but in case people felt they should contribute something we would have a charity collection ...
And we stuck to that until she started having just a few friends - except when we had a shared party (would be awkward for other child)...and it worked well
Now DD2 had a couple of shared parties when little but for the last three years has had big parties on her own (she now has girl only parties - unfortunately most of her class are girls so still not small!).
She has agreed to the arrangement, she wants the party instead of a present and gets to chose the charity to support - I give her options (small, localish ones). In fact last year she had great fun because we collected for the children's ward at the local hospital and they didn't want cash (too much hassle accessing it apparently) - so she got to go mad in Mothercare choosing baby toys!
We put a tin out and say on the invites 'no presents please, there will be a charity collection' - if people feel they want to contribute fine, if not no problems and even if they put money in the card I have no idea who contributes or doesn't or how much they put in...
Another parent always ignores the no present rule and from a couple of things she has said she obviously thinks it is wrong....
(other parents do understand -in fact some have 'copied' my idea)
So am I being unreasonable?
Have I missed something that might offend someone?

OP posts:
kernowal · 23/02/2014 22:06

Do your children take a present when they go to a party? What sort of gifts do they give? Surely they give the sort of things they would like to receive themselves.

On another point, I was once given an Oxfam goat for Christmas and was quite disappointed that I wasn't at least given a choice as to which charity my present was supporting.

Thetallesttower · 23/02/2014 22:07

I know two parents who have done something similar.

One let her dd chose between a big party and a big present- she couldn't afford the party but her dd wanted one, so that's what she had (approx £100). I guess she got her little stuff and we all brought presents so I don't think the birthday girl lost out although I did think it slightly odd.

The other was for an 8 or 9 year old party, I can't remember which and the dd had a big party, asked for charity donations and was really proud to let everyone know how much money she had raised. I really do think it came from her, and as she had family pressies, it was a good option.

I don't see this as a big deal if the children get a lot at Christmas and a big party a few weeks later, those suggesting this is a stately homes thread matter are really trivializing the problems some children have. Some religions are not big into birthdays- so what?

PortofinoRevisited · 23/02/2014 22:09

I had loads of aunts and uncles and Xmas when I was little was fabulous. Lots to unwrap - most of it cheap and cheerful, selection boxes, those plastic wrapped things of pretend hairdryers, with combs and hairslides, books etc. Dd is an only child and doesn't have many people to buy her presents. NO WAY would I deprive her of the small gifts her friends bring.

Only1scoop · 23/02/2014 22:13

But Op doesn't seem to like the 'clutter' that those small gifts leave.

They get sent to the charity shop

Just imagine my dd face if she opened 20 presents and then took them to charity shopHmm

PortofinoRevisited · 23/02/2014 22:18

Oh yes the clutter prized posessions! I can still remember MANY of those gifts.

PortofinoRevisited · 23/02/2014 22:18

And I am 45 now

MrsCakesPremonition · 23/02/2014 22:20

It's all about you....
It's all about you, baby....

HoratiaDrelincourt · 23/02/2014 22:23

Weird that you addressed a whole post to me that had precisely fuck all to do with what I was talking about.

FWIW I think it is perverse to have presents from a stranger in a red suit and nothing from those who love you.

A homemade cake is a great gift ... for an adult.

MardyPants · 23/02/2014 22:25

I think I would've divorced my parents if I hadn't got birthday presents as a child, and they told other people they couldn't get presents either. I feel really sorry for your kids. Quite tempted to buy them a present myself, poor little blighters! They're not kids forever, spoil them, treat them! Birthdays are all about the presents when you're young.

Periwonkle · 23/02/2014 22:27

Yes Mardy but don't forget the two cakes and a party.

mrsjay · 23/02/2014 22:29

I have an after Christmas childs birthday it isn't difficult to get them something for their birthday you just either keep back a Christmas present you know they would like or think of something else

eightandthreequarters · 23/02/2014 22:41

As a guest, I hate the charity donation thing (and I'm another one who sees this fairly often). Don't want presents? No problem, just say 'no presents please'. The charity donation comes across as sanctimonious.

eightandthreequarters · 23/02/2014 22:44

Also, yes, YABU not to buy your own child a present for their birthday. Fine to ask your guests not to buy - I hate the clutter, too. But buy your child a present if you can afford to do so (and if you're turning down other people's pressies, I guess you can afford to do so).

Bonsoir · 23/02/2014 22:46

I'm another one who thinks that charity donations in lieu of presents is sanctimonious and controlling.

If I want to give to charity, I shall do.

If I want to give someone a present, I shall do.

bodybooboo · 23/02/2014 22:51

and if someone brought me a fucking goat for Christmas or gave my present money to charity I would be mightily pissed off.

op you say you keep your own birthday present cheque, what to your kids think about this?

WhispersOfWickedness · 23/02/2014 23:00

Ah ha, I think I have pinpointed what makes me uncomfortable and a bit sad about the whole thing.
I am guessing, OP, that you've never really enjoyed receiving presents that much? Well, as someone who has always adored the excitement of opening a wrapped present, to deprive my DC of the same feeling is just unthinkable.
I remember very few of the contents of gifts as a child, but I have many many memories of peeling open wrapping paper and the feeling of anticipation of looking at presents that were all for me. Thankfully I had parents who shared that joy and provided me with lots to open (we weren't rich, btw, so lots would have been second hand or saved up for) and I have the same joyful feelings now when my own DC open their presents. I particularly like other people getting them gifts because I have no idea what is under the wrapping paper so have the same feeling of anticipation as they do Grin
So, coming from this viewpoint, I just don't understand how people could want to deprive their DC of these feelings and the special form of joy especially reserved for birthdays and presents.
I feel the same, btw, on threads at Christmas where people talk about how little they can 'get away with' buying their DC (not related to money issues), I just feel a bit Confused at why you would actively avoid the pleasure of choosing things you know your DC would love and then getting to watch them open them.

VeryStressedMum · 23/02/2014 23:13

Have they never asked why they buy other children presents for their birthday parties but they don't get any?

NarcissaPoetica · 23/02/2014 23:19

YANBU. My DS has a roomful of toys built up over time which are worth thousands of pounds (I come from a large and generous family, and I like to treat him as well), and are also age appropriate (and will be for a long while yet). He does not need anything else and says so himself, nor does he want to give any away or replace them. I will be having his party at a local nursery (which is also a charity) and will make clear on the invitation that no gifts are required - instead, a donation tin for the nursery will be placed in a separate and private area and (more importantly, especially after the clearly deaf and stubborn parents last year who still insisted on bringing gifts) I will emphasise that any gifts brought will be donated to the nursery.

bragmatic · 23/02/2014 23:29

I think it is incredibly rude to buy a gift when you have been specifically asked not to. If a parent tells me their child has enough 'stuff' I'm inclined to believe them.

Susyb30 · 23/02/2014 23:31

Oh for fucks sake..another parent who sounds just as charming as the op..the "stubborn " parents are probably bringing presents as its a birthday party! ! Or if it was me..cos I feel sorry for your kid (and perhaps piss you off as well)

GoodnessIsThatTheTime · 23/02/2014 23:36

I think it's far more important to learn about giving and receiving them having a room full of thousands of pounds worth of goods... But what would I know, I'm apparently materialistic ;)

ScentedScandal · 23/02/2014 23:48

'(more importantly, especially after the clearly deaf and stubborn parents last year who still insisted on bringing gifts) I will emphasise that any gifts brought will be donated to the nursery.'

BlimeyHmm

Original poster
unlucky83 · 23/02/2014 23:49

Just written a huge reply and deleted it ...
I am far from depriving my children...they have more toys and books than they (or I ) know what to do with...(DD1 did get to play with her presents...we still have some 9 yrs later - if only I was so efficient at getting rid of stuff - I'm a hoarder and so are my DDs)
They agree to it - as in they have a choice...big (expensive) party - no big present and too many presents from friends - so a charity collection.
Smaller party , presents from their friends and a present from us...
I think if you knew me you would know the showing off giving to charity just doesn't come into it - I do lots of volunteer work for charity - the other parents know me and what I do (and that isn't to show off- just I feel I should help out the community cos right now I'm lucky enough to be in a position at the moment where I can do ...and to stop my brain completely dying off - so not completely altruistic )
I think it does come down to different attitudes to birthdays - the parties are something for them to remember - memories are more important and last longer than 'things'
(Actually just realised something - when I was 21 my flat burned down (I wasn't home) and I lost more or less everything - do remember my charred 21st birthday cards (I'd saved) in the street was what made me finally cry - maybe that is why the things (presents) are less important than the memories)

And whispers you are right maybe cos I don't care about getting/unwrapping presents I can't see the big deal ...but then I got my attitude from somewhere (my family I guess ) and I'm happy with that...maybe my DCs will be different - maybe not
I won't change what I do (said earlier) but I do now understand more - and I will rethink not giving them something small on the day...
maybe...something to think about

(And sorry Horatio Blush- I must have got confused ...and I still can't see who I was trying to reply to...)

I'm now going to bed - feeling slightly like I've taken a battering (I'm not a bad person - honest!) - but then again I did post in AIBU ...

OP posts:
bragmatic · 23/02/2014 23:52

Don't feel sorry for my kids Susy, they have plenty. You can keep your plastic tat. And your charming attitude.

ashtrayheart · 24/02/2014 00:05

Are they allowed to eat at these parties? Or does the food get wrapped up and sent to the poor people instead Hmm