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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a chairty collection instead of presents at my child's birthday parties?

436 replies

unlucky83 · 23/02/2014 17:48

My DCs don't get a birthday present - they get a party instead. They have a great party ...creates memories... and I don't have to buy them something just because it is their birthday (they are both just after Christmas anyway)... I think a great experience...only one problem - presents!
When DD1 had her first big party I hadn't even thought about it - then after I watched her open 20+ presents and honestly it made me feel a bit sick - it was just too much and although the presents were lovely they weren't really needed...we have too much 'stuff' anyway (clutter everywhere) and whatever someone buys if it ends up in a charity shop it is never going to make what was paid for it...
I then decided that if she was going to have a big (whole class) party that she wasn't going to have presents as well but in case people felt they should contribute something we would have a charity collection ...
And we stuck to that until she started having just a few friends - except when we had a shared party (would be awkward for other child)...and it worked well
Now DD2 had a couple of shared parties when little but for the last three years has had big parties on her own (she now has girl only parties - unfortunately most of her class are girls so still not small!).
She has agreed to the arrangement, she wants the party instead of a present and gets to chose the charity to support - I give her options (small, localish ones). In fact last year she had great fun because we collected for the children's ward at the local hospital and they didn't want cash (too much hassle accessing it apparently) - so she got to go mad in Mothercare choosing baby toys!
We put a tin out and say on the invites 'no presents please, there will be a charity collection' - if people feel they want to contribute fine, if not no problems and even if they put money in the card I have no idea who contributes or doesn't or how much they put in...
Another parent always ignores the no present rule and from a couple of things she has said she obviously thinks it is wrong....
(other parents do understand -in fact some have 'copied' my idea)
So am I being unreasonable?
Have I missed something that might offend someone?

OP posts:
mrsjay · 23/02/2014 21:11

yes of course in other countries and cultures kids dont get birthdays but they don't know any better, I dont think it is sad BTW i think it is odd and smug ,

candycoatedwaterdrops · 23/02/2014 21:14

So, you keep the cheque from your parents for your birthday but your kids don't even get a present from their parents on their birthday and you have decided that they can't have presents from their friends either?

mrsjay · 23/02/2014 21:17

I just think that children not being able to open presents even if it is not to the parents tastes, bloody joyless

Nanny0gg · 23/02/2014 21:19

Their 18th parties are going to be a riot...

ADishBestEatenCold · 23/02/2014 21:23

As I skim through this thread, I can't help noticing that the 'stance' you take on birthday presents has become more and more relaxed as (many) posters have declared YABU.

You have have gone from "My DCs don't get a birthday present - they get a party instead." in the OP all the way to "some years they have had small things but the big party is a 'big present'" and a few variations in between. So which is it, do you give your DCs birthday presents (even small ones) or not?

Whether your DCs should receive a gift from party guests is, of course, ultimately up to you, but I do think it all sounds rather controlling and also (strangely enough) a bit selfish. It takes no account of the pleasure that can be had (especially for children) from choosing a gift, wrapping it and watching the birthday girl receive it.

So, no, I don't even think it's 'worthy'. Sorry.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/02/2014 21:23

I'm sorry, but I am pretty damn sure that your dc would love to have a present from their parents on their birthday, as well as a party, and would love to have presents from their friends, rather than a charity collection.

Apply your principles to your own life, but don't use them to suck the fun from your children's lives.

You sound very inflexible, and I am not at all sure your dc would feel they could tell you if they wanted presents and party - or if you would listen to them, if they did.

Original poster
unlucky83 · 23/02/2014 21:24

But there is a tin - no-one knows if people put anything in or not ...and I would hate if someone was short of cash that they felt they had to put something in - (or buy a gift) - You haven't chosen for your child to be invited to a party ...but difficult to tell them they can't go....this way there actually should be less pressure.
A few of DD2s friends have birthdays in the same 2 months - so she had 6 party invites in 6 weeks...that was an expensive few weeks ...

I thought if I just said 'no presents' some people might feel a bit guilty...(I probably would - irrational I know... )

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 23/02/2014 21:27

I agree STD poor kids, your only a child for a very short time. I think that op dc would also love to get presents.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/02/2014 21:29

Give people a choice, their friends might prefer to give your dc a present. Picking a nice present with dc that your dd might like wrapping it and giving it are quite fun you know, it's not all boring twaddle. You do sound like a barrel of fun.

PrincessSophieSoph · 23/02/2014 21:33

I think it's a bit mean personally!
I was bought up in a single parent household, I have a sister whose 3yrs older than me.
My mum would always either offer us 100 pounds or say we could have a party with it, but she would never ever stop others buying us gifts!

Original poster
unlucky83 · 23/02/2014 21:34

That was to Ubik
Like I said it is only when they have the whole class big parties - not forever - so their 18th birthday will be want they want it to be ...
(I actually didn't want a big 21st and made a point of being 'unavailable' - my sister had a family party and my brothers a bigger one - what we wanted -not what our parents did - same goes for my DCs)
They get a present for their birthday if there is something they want - or maybe I see something they would like - I won't just buy anything just so they have a present...
I do always make and decorate them two cakes...so maybe that is something made with love as a present? No?

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 23/02/2014 21:36

So....they do get a birthday gift if they so want one....I'm a little confused.

Periwonkle · 23/02/2014 21:38

Well yes, two cakes must make up for it. No.

bodybooboo · 23/02/2014 21:42

MrsJ yes she was thrilled with the cakes.

op your choice but personally I remember with a thrill seeing and opening a pile of presents just for me on my special day.

loved seeing my kids do the same.

special times. what's really wrong with a bit of spoiling on your birthday.

Yika · 23/02/2014 21:43

No, I think you actually should give them a present that is wrapped up. A cake is not the same. Sorry. It doesn't have to be a bought present. It could be home made or something that you pass on to them. But something that is clearly identifiable as a gift. Although it is nice that you make them special cakes.

As to the party, rather than saying 'no presents' you could also stress to the people you invite that your family are not big on presents and it's really more than OK to come without (in fact, you even prefer it!). Then people don't feel obliged but if they prefer to come with a gift, they can.

Periwonkle · 23/02/2014 21:43

I mean a cake though, it is butter, sugar flour and egg. Goodness.

Charley50 · 23/02/2014 21:44

I'm confused too! Your story and your reasoning for doing things seems very muddled. Of course you should always get your children a birthday present. I often got nothing or something totally inappropriate from my parents as a child, e.g. A colouring book when I was 12, and I disnt forget it. It makes a person feel unloved to not get a present from the people that are supposed to love them.
For parties they should also get the chance to get presents. You can toys/ books on offer cheaply throughout the year so the cost doesn't get too much, that's what a lot
of people do.
Im sorry but I think you've been mean.

CrapBag · 23/02/2014 21:44

YABU.

If you want to give to charity,give up your presents. Don't make your kids do it. 8 pages later and you are not budging so why ask in the first place.

Surely you would make a cake anyway so why does that take place of a present. Kids don't see a handmade cake=love. I make my kids cakes, and whilst DS was chuffed with his, he still would have appreciated a shop bought one just as much if it had the right character on it.

If I saw an invite asking for a charity donation I would feel sorry for the child and think you were sanctimonious. Children have 1 childhood. They will look back and remember that mum didn't buy them presents and asked others not to as well.

Only1scoop · 23/02/2014 21:46

Again you tell us you don't think you did anything special for your 40th....

"Made myself unavailable" on your 21st....

Just can't help thinking this is all again about you.

mrsjay · 23/02/2014 21:46

I think people are thinking the no presents from party guests is strange not what you give what you give your children is up to you it is their little friends that cant give presents that people are a bit Hmm about it isnt all about your wants really and you have a little girl who still believes in santa so she wont really understand IMO the charity aspect of it and it is sort of holding them emotionally hostage mummy is giving you a lovely party so lets have other people give to charity,

mrsjay · 23/02/2014 21:47

somebody up thread said they have 364 days to be taught about charity I agree with that

mercibucket · 23/02/2014 21:55

it sounds v show-offy and 'look at me- i am so rich i give my kids bday money away to charideee'

so that is probably why that mum gives a present. to piss on your parade.

couldn't you just donate to charity quietly like the rest of us?

ScentedScandal · 23/02/2014 21:59

Yabu. This turns your dc's birthday's into a worthy public gesture.

I hate all this tinkering with what nearly everyone is comfortable with. Children like giving their friends presents. Children like receiving presents from their friends. There's nothing wrong with that and people know where they are with it.

Give to charity if you wish. But do it at another time that doesn't mean everyone has to know you did. Do it without using a birthday (that isn't even yours) as a platform with an audience.

Also, where will this leave your dc when they get asked to parties and the birthday friend has not signed up to this malarky? Will they be allowed to bring a gift or will the 'gift' be a charity donation?Confused

Susyb30 · 23/02/2014 22:01

Wow I feel rather sad reading your post..its their birthday once a year! When you are young your birthday is so exciting and to say they don't get a present just a party is a bit selfish on your behalf..admirable you want to help charities but put your children first! You can help out with charities and get your kids involved helping with that the rest of the year, I just think its so lovely to see their excitement and the look on their faces when they open presents! As for you saying that its so near Christmas anyway also makes me a bit sad..If I got an invite and was told not to bring present donate instead I would find that selfish. .its a kids party..its not about you.oh and as for the "clutter" you mention im sorry but I can't help feeling a bit sad about that too.

vestandknickers · 23/02/2014 22:04

Lovely of you to use your children to show off. Think about what they want. Birthdays are a massive big deal for children and so they should be. Who gives a shit if you did nothing for your 40th? That has nothing to do with what your children need. Get over yourself and put your children first.

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