To have a chairty collection instead of presents at my child's birthday parties?

[unlucky83]

My DCs don't get a birthday present - they get a party instead. They have a great party ...creates memories... and I don't have to buy them something just because it is their birthday (they are both just after Christmas anyway)... I think a great experience...only one problem - presents!
When DD1 had her first big party I hadn't even thought about it - then after I watched her open 20+ presents and honestly it made me feel a bit sick - it was just too much and although the presents were lovely they weren't really needed...we have too much 'stuff' anyway (clutter everywhere) and whatever someone buys if it ends up in a charity shop it is never going to make what was paid for it...
I then decided that if she was going to have a big (whole class) party that she wasn't going to have presents as well but in case people felt they should contribute something we would have a charity collection ...
And we stuck to that until she started having just a few friends - except when we had a shared party (would be awkward for other child)...and it worked well
Now DD2 had a couple of shared parties when little but for the last three years has had big parties on her own (she now has girl only parties - unfortunately most of her class are girls so still not small!).
She has agreed to the arrangement, she wants the party instead of a present and gets to chose the charity to support - I give her options (small, localish ones). In fact last year she had great fun because we collected for the children's ward at the local hospital and they didn't want cash (too much hassle accessing it apparently) - so she got to go mad in Mothercare choosing baby toys!
We put a tin out and say on the invites 'no presents please, there will be a charity collection' - if people feel they want to contribute fine, if not no problems and even if they put money in the card I have no idea who contributes or doesn't or how much they put in...
Another parent always ignores the no present rule and from a couple of things she has said she obviously thinks it is wrong....
(other parents do understand -in fact some have 'copied' my idea)
So am I being unreasonable?
Have I missed something that might offend someone?

Sorry but I think you are being mean. Glad my mum didn't take that attitude. Do you give people goats for Xmas as well?

If you're going to do charity I suggest you either:

1. specify a charity and suggest they donate directly instead of bringing money or presents.
2. suggest one of those charities where they buy a goat or chicken and they can bring the little card showing what they got, some kids would really like picking something like that and your daughter could have a display board to show the good her party has done
3. suggest they bring items specifically with a view to donate. An animal shelter near us for example appreciates donations of dog food and toys

If they DO bring presents accept graciously. It's their choice, not yours.

I don't agree with a tin for them to put money in. They don't know for sure that you DID donate so at the least I hope you send everyone a thank you card saying "thank you for coming, here's how much WE all raised for X charity" as well as copy of a receipt or something. It's very grabby and gives them no choice. It's a kids party and kids are very visual. Cash or cheque in a card means nothing to them.

My DS knows all about giving and receiving - hence why he has lots of toys and he is happy for donations to be made to the nursery for children who actually want and need toys. What we don't believe in is buying unwanted presents for people who had made clear that they neither want nor need any. I would call that being brought up to respect others' entirely reasonable wishes (a.k.a. having manners).

Different strokes for different folks. It would be interesting to see what your children do for their children's birthdays in the future.

I hate charity gift parties. They mean I have to give a cash donation, usually more than I might have spent on a nice gift, AND give the gift too as I think it is depressing not to give a gift. Usually a good classic book as the sort of parents who do the charity parties also prefer only wooden toys, hand knitted fair trade wool jumpers and books for their poor kids.

I remember one wanted donations for the local SPCA... Off a list of items. I was thrilled to lug a 30lb sack of dog food with us.

Also - I have charities I support. I don't want to feel pressured into other people's pet charities. My kids also don't tend to enjoy the charity parties as much as they are often just a picnic of celery sticks and fruit and water at a local park and of course no cupcakes or party bags or sugar.

Why not get your dd to clear out some toys, books and clothes she has outgrown and donate them to charity, make some space for her new gifts? I did this with my kids early December, in preparation for Xmas presents, they understood and were excited that it was part of getting new stuff.

I can't imagine the carnage of a child not getting gifts for a birthday or Xmas and my dcs enjoying picking gifts for their friends, writing cards etc. It's good for them to learn to give and receive presents graciously.

I think its joyless worthy and mean.

Someone up thread asked if you would feel sorry for Jehovahs Witness children. Yes I would. I was one, and Xmas and birthdays were bloody miserable.

But this is presupposing that my DS (and children in his position) feels sad. I'm sure he would be if he never received any presents ever, but he does. I just don't see the point of him receiving more than he wants or needs at any one given time - considering the number of people we invite each year, it just ends up feeling rather wasteful.

The nursery venue is a brilliant space for everyday use and special events - so much so that several parents have since booked it for their kids' parties as well after we last hired it out. Use of that space would not be possible if the nursery/charity was not maintained by external money, so people are happy to support it. Donations are not mandatory either, which means people don't feel pressured to spend money they don't have.

We provide generous party packs at the end and DS ends up exceedingly happy to have spent time with his friends and family, which is what birthday parties are all about.

And finally, I don't end up with a house more cluttered than it already is.

All in all, I would say that it's a win win for everyone

Birthdays are special they celebrate the day you are born and without this you wouldn't be here so I think if your going to go one way celebrate heavily on the birthday and not at Christmas because let's face it that's just very over comercialised but no you wouldn't do that because the joy of Christmas and Santa !!

If you don't want to give your child a gift for whatever reason you should allow friends of your child to give them what they want even if it's rubbish and you hate it and it will break in five minutes because that is the best part !! Yes I do remember one year I got one of those bouncing frog things from a friend I loved it and still remember getting it now for the fun I had afterward with it

Yes the best presents I recall are the ones that were a load of tat! I remember one year my mum (a broke single parent) wrapped me up a box full of individual gifts, like fingerless gloves, glitter nail polish, little bars of soap and body shop bath pearls. Nothing that I needed and basically a load of cheap nonsense but to me it was the best present ever, because even as a little kid I knew love and thought had gone into it. So yes, I think just a party and a cake sounds mean. Even when we were JWs I got presents from my mum and dad, although it was strictly forbidden! My cousins didn't though, and feel bitter about it still!

One thing I have learnt from my son is we see it as clutter ..they love the tat...It isn't the big gifts//whoppee cushion from Christmas was still be played with yesterday that cost 69p...

I don't think you have to give a big pile of presents but something yes...Its a way of making them feel special..

I've considered doing much the same myself as all 4 dc have birthdays within a very close space, but using dd's say to fundraise for her rainbows unit, which would directly benefit her as we'd be able to organise more events for the girls and so on. But not being able to articulate to her why she doesn't get presents from her friends but her siblings do (family would be free to choose either) is incredibly hard and so I haven't done. What I have done instead is asked family if they want to contribute towards swimming lessons or towards her rainbow subs. Something else dd
Enjoys and benefits from. We do fundraising then as a unit.

I think if you knew me you would know the showing off giving to charity just doesn't come into it - I do lots of volunteer work for charity - the other parents know me and what I do

So you do a lot of great work for charidee, but you don't like to talk about it

Sorry OP, you did sound a bit Smashee & Nicey there. At the end of the day, it is up to you. Personally, it all sounds a bit joyless & entirely missing the point of gift giving, but it takes all sorts.

The op has taken a battering on this thread.

I actually think op, you need to tackle your own issue on hoarding.

Let your children receive birthday presents and then get them to go through their old toys and decide what they want to donate to a charity shop. That way they get to enjoy gifts and learn about charity/giving.

Your last post came across to me that you didn't want gifts for them because you have a house full of clutter. The solution is to get rid of the clutter, not to deprive your children of presents.

Honestly don't think you've taken a battering because of where you posted. Just what you posted.

I find it hard to believe you didn't know the vast amount of posters would entirely disagree with you. Despite your best efforts to explain why you don't think it's unreasonable to the majority it just seems like a pretty shitty thing to do to your kids.

Op you sound v joyless tbh. Are you sure your dc are not just saying what you want to hear? Childhood is short enough as is,without being so po faced in attitude.

Don't worry OP - I've got your corner and know exactly where you are coming from No battering from me!

I agree with you OP .

I am constantly horrified amazed at the amount of 'stuff' so many children have - I read all the Christmas present threads in total awe each year. A lot of people are incredibly materialistic and see birthdays all about the 'presents' rather than the celebration.

No wonder there are also so many threads about how long it takes to do housework if you are constantly having to move mountains of toys around.

My DS is older now and the norm is to stick money in an envelope which is much easier than dealing with the sea of tat that used to arrive.

I would much rather have received a request for a charity donation rather than aimlessly trying to find a 'suitable' birthday gift for a child you don't know - and my DS had zero interest in helping to choose.

If one of my DC received and invitation that specified no gifts, just charity donations, I'd probably not bother with the party. My thinking would be that if you had sucked the joy out of the present giving, you will have probably sucked the joy out of the party too.

Everything - what an odd way of thinking - what on earth is the 'joy' in unwrapping yet another box of Lego which seems the 'go-to' present for every boy.

My DS has actually only been invited to one party that said 'donations' please, it was just after the Tsunami so very topical - it was one of the best parties he'd been to.

I don't think you can possibly relate the 'no gifts rule' to the 'standard' of the party ............. does the same apply to weddings ?

OP I'm not battering you, just genuinely wondering if your children take gifts to parties themselves. If so, how would you/they feel if they knew their carefully chosen gift would be considered tat and dropped off at the local charity shop a few days later?

Giving away old toys to make room for new ones is just going along with the consumer culture, I don't want stuff just for the sake of having stuff.

My parents had a similar attitude to gift giving and it's done me no harm whatsoever. My birthdays were special despite the absence of big gifts. I got a toblerone for my 21 st

I had whole class parties, but 25 years ago I don't remember there being any sort of gift exchange at these parties (anyone's, not just mine)

i dont think yuabu to say no presents at the party.. but to ask them to give it to charty is a bit.. i dunnoo..

if i want to give to charty i will and do so when i want/can.. just not at the expense of giving a child a birthday present.

but the not buying your own child a presents seems.. really mean. even if it was just some dvds.

i h ave two kids with a end of nov and end of dec birthdays and woudlnt dream of rolling all their present itno christmas just becasue of when they where born.

but why are you doing the charity collection at all?

you could just say 'no presents please, we are overrun with stuff' and accept with good grace the things that are given

bit 'lady bountiful' imo

I don't find the giving to charity of the party gifts/equivalent donation that odd, these are extra gifts and if you have a huge party, you get overwhelmed by them. As I said, I've seen this done really nicely with the birthday girl choosing a favourite charity and then handing over the cheque herself, photo in the school newsletter, and I know the mum gave extensive gifts as do her father's family (separated).

It's the not giving a gift yourself/in the immediate family I find odd.