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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a chairty collection instead of presents at my child's birthday parties?

436 replies

unlucky83 · 23/02/2014 17:48

My DCs don't get a birthday present - they get a party instead. They have a great party ...creates memories... and I don't have to buy them something just because it is their birthday (they are both just after Christmas anyway)... I think a great experience...only one problem - presents!
When DD1 had her first big party I hadn't even thought about it - then after I watched her open 20+ presents and honestly it made me feel a bit sick - it was just too much and although the presents were lovely they weren't really needed...we have too much 'stuff' anyway (clutter everywhere) and whatever someone buys if it ends up in a charity shop it is never going to make what was paid for it...
I then decided that if she was going to have a big (whole class) party that she wasn't going to have presents as well but in case people felt they should contribute something we would have a charity collection ...
And we stuck to that until she started having just a few friends - except when we had a shared party (would be awkward for other child)...and it worked well
Now DD2 had a couple of shared parties when little but for the last three years has had big parties on her own (she now has girl only parties - unfortunately most of her class are girls so still not small!).
She has agreed to the arrangement, she wants the party instead of a present and gets to chose the charity to support - I give her options (small, localish ones). In fact last year she had great fun because we collected for the children's ward at the local hospital and they didn't want cash (too much hassle accessing it apparently) - so she got to go mad in Mothercare choosing baby toys!
We put a tin out and say on the invites 'no presents please, there will be a charity collection' - if people feel they want to contribute fine, if not no problems and even if they put money in the card I have no idea who contributes or doesn't or how much they put in...
Another parent always ignores the no present rule and from a couple of things she has said she obviously thinks it is wrong....
(other parents do understand -in fact some have 'copied' my idea)
So am I being unreasonable?
Have I missed something that might offend someone?

OP posts:
SagaNorensLeatherTrousers · 23/02/2014 20:29

Rightsaid it isn't remotely the same thing. Giving presents to your loved ones/relatives/friends on their birthday is an expected social custom. Wearing a certain colour is not.

MidniteScribbler · 23/02/2014 20:32

It's all about you OP. Quite frankly, you sound smug, and not donating your own gifts while expecting your children to have none is hypocritical.

If "stuff" is the problem, why not have a pre-Christmas cleanout and ask your children to donate clothes/toys/books they no longer use to charity?

This whole demanding of money/charity donations/certain items is getting out of hand. Some people need to remember what the concept of a gift really is.

JupiterGentlefly · 23/02/2014 20:33

Its like the Christmas Goat, or loo, 'Hey instead of buying you a gift I bought a goat for an impoverished tribe in...' so the giver feels great, the charity are grateful and I am 'sans present' never mind only another 364 days to go... I don't mind you not buying for me, I am glad you give to charity, but don't bypass me and make out its all for the great and good. It pisses me off and I am an adult. Your child doesn't even get the choice or the benefit of wisdom.

RightsaidFreud · 23/02/2014 20:33

It may be an expected social custom, but you have been asked not to (in this case the OP said she put it on the invites).

formerbabe · 23/02/2014 20:34

What midnite said.

After Christmases/Birthdays, I sit with my ds and we go through his old toys and decide what to give to the charity shop to make room for his new stuff.

youwish · 23/02/2014 20:35

YANBU ,I completely agree,its not all about stuff!poor kids??they get loads of gift for Christmas,money to use as they like from extended family,a bug party...I wouldn't say they're exactly deprived! Then people wonder why are kids so materialistic!

WaitMonkey · 23/02/2014 20:39

YABVVVVU, for all the reasons already posted. If you don't like all the presents, invite less people. The fact you don't buy your dc a birthday present makes me very sad. Also the fact that you're asking guests for a gift, even a charity donation makes me cringe to be honest. I can never understand how anyone thinks it's acceptable for a host to dictate present giving.

WaitMonkey · 23/02/2014 20:40

Also I don't know why you've bothered posting, you won't take any notice of what anyone else has said. Sad

GoodnessIsThatTheTime · 23/02/2014 20:42

You can teach lessons about not being materialistic all year round. But it's not about that as they overbuy at Christmas.

You can make special homemade gifts that have thought and care. But she says she doesn't get anything.

It's not an issue of materialism at all. Or they wouldn't have the huge and presumably costly party in the first place.

There's lots you can do to celebrate a birthday without being materialistic. That shouldn't mean spoiling a childs birthday.

If they've not grown up with the joy of receiving what expedience will they draw on to encourage them to be Generous givers as they are older.

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 23/02/2014 20:46

I don't think yabu to say no presents to the pary invitees. but I do think yabu to not give a gift to your children on their birthday

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/02/2014 20:46

Like Horatia I can't remember every present! but I certainly would remember getting none. And I would remember if it was my mum's principles that stopped me from getting any presents.

Unlucky - what would you do, if one of your dc was unhappy with the current arrangement? Which would win - your principles or their happiness?

It does seem pretty mean that they either get a party or a gift from their parents - unless there are real money constraints, and even then, I would imagine you could get and wrap a fiver's worth of art stuff from poundland.

VeryStressedMum · 23/02/2014 20:48

I've never in my life heard of this. Have you actually asked your children what they think of this or do you just assume they think it's a fab idea?

bodybooboo · 23/02/2014 20:50

oh come on op it's all about you and his you want to look ethical and 'right on.'

you keep your own presents then. hilarious.

ah well you have handed your kids a fantastic price if angst for the teenage/adult times and will be responsible for the mass present spoiling if your children to your grand children as they 'didn't get anything'

DinahLady · 23/02/2014 20:50

So no presents, at all, off ANYONE? That's pretty mean spirited for a kid on their birthday, sorry!
Half the fun of birthdays is the fact it''s your one special day, just for YOU.
I get your point that sometimes kids end up with just too much stuff, and you don't want to buy them a present as you feel you spend a lot on the party.
That's fair enough.
To say they can't have any presents when they're young is a bit harsh though!
Half the fun when you're little is opening presents! Smile

needaholidaynow · 23/02/2014 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovedogsandcats · 23/02/2014 20:57

My gut reaction is that it is a bit worthy. Possibly with good sentiments.

mrsjay · 23/02/2014 20:58

*MrsJ yes exactly. and re the teen dds. it's lovely when they do these sort if presents isn't it?

my dd got a batch of cup cakes baked by her friends with flags on each one and a photo of them all doing daft poses on each flag.

really lovely gift.*

that is an amazing present bet she was chuffed with them Smile

ENormaSnob · 23/02/2014 20:59

Yabu

Only1scoop · 23/02/2014 21:01

Opening the presents made you feel 'a little bit sick'

You give them a 'choice of small local charities' to choose from.

All seems to be about you really Hmm

mrsjay · 23/02/2014 21:02

of course you can stop the huge pile of presents for christmas you can get smaller gifts I think you just love the adoration of santa tbh you want them to enjoy what santa you hav e given them why dont you think that is obscene I am not suggesting you get them a wooden top and a satsuma or anything like that just be mindful that your children dont need loads of piles of presents from you santa as they will have a birthday coming up maybe dont have such a showy offy party have a few friends and then your dds can have presents from their friends too

behindthetimes · 23/02/2014 21:03

YANBU I think this is a really good idea, I wouldn't worry if not everyon agrees.

Original poster
unlucky83 · 23/02/2014 21:06

Horatio - I have a big age gap - so DD1 was 6 when DD2 came along ...she was already used to the lots of presents and didn't stop believing in Santa until she was 10/11 (I told her when she started high school (she did ask) cos I thought she'd have the mickey taken out of her otherwise) - by the stage DD2 was 4-5...
At 10 months she wouldn't have know - but it was guilt - we didn't even have a tree that first year! A mistake...nobody is perfect eh?
DD1 did get less after her second Christmas but I really hadn't thought it through -then I realised that I couldn't reduce the amount DD1 got or give DD2 less than DD1 ... really is one of those things I wish I hadn't started ...

Not a hypocrite at all - I give more than my birthday cheque to charity in a year...I would have no problem giving it directly to a charity or even not getting one at all ...sometimes my parents have forgotten - this year I had forgotten until about midday when I had to write the date. DP goes out to work v.early) I think I (and my family) just have a different approach to birthdays than a lot of posters on this thread...I don't think they are at all important as an adult ...ie what did I do for my 40th? - I have no idea - nothing? went out to dinner maybe? - guess different people have different things they think are important ...
I asked because I wanted to know why someone would object - now I know
I don't agree - and won't change what I do - although hopefully we are now at the smaller party stage so it isn't an issue anymore..I'll see what DD2 wants to do next year (and if she is still fickle and playing with more or less the whole class!!)...
As for the acid test ...
For DD1 not an issue now- smaller parties/treats, gets presents from her friends (4 or 5 things - they know she would like) and a present from us

DD2 - if she wants the big party next year and presents she can have that...but because she is used to and happy with the current arrangement I can't see that happening ...
And they are really not deprived - DD2 has DD1's old bike with no gears...last summer we went out cycling as a family and DD2 was struggling on the slopes so if we do the same this year DD2 probably needs a better bike...one with gears - and I'll buy her one -I could call it a belated birthday present - does that make me a better person ?

OP posts:
Ubik1 · 23/02/2014 21:07

TBH I feel it's a bit worthy.

It's only a kid's birthday party. No presents seems a bit joyless.

behindthetimes · 23/02/2014 21:09

A lot of people seem to be saying that it's sad not to buy your kids birthday presents...birthdays are not celebrated in many countries, doesn't mean that children don't get nice things to use and play with, or don't have special days and happy family memories, there are just diffrent ways of doing things.

Ubik1 · 23/02/2014 21:10

But you could just say 'no presents' that's easier for people on a limited budget than having to come up with a cash donation.