To have a chairty collection instead of presents at my child's birthday parties?

[unlucky83]

My DCs don't get a birthday present - they get a party instead. They have a great party ...creates memories... and I don't have to buy them something just because it is their birthday (they are both just after Christmas anyway)... I think a great experience...only one problem - presents!
When DD1 had her first big party I hadn't even thought about it - then after I watched her open 20+ presents and honestly it made me feel a bit sick - it was just too much and although the presents were lovely they weren't really needed...we have too much 'stuff' anyway (clutter everywhere) and whatever someone buys if it ends up in a charity shop it is never going to make what was paid for it...
I then decided that if she was going to have a big (whole class) party that she wasn't going to have presents as well but in case people felt they should contribute something we would have a charity collection ...
And we stuck to that until she started having just a few friends - except when we had a shared party (would be awkward for other child)...and it worked well
Now DD2 had a couple of shared parties when little but for the last three years has had big parties on her own (she now has girl only parties - unfortunately most of her class are girls so still not small!).
She has agreed to the arrangement, she wants the party instead of a present and gets to chose the charity to support - I give her options (small, localish ones). In fact last year she had great fun because we collected for the children's ward at the local hospital and they didn't want cash (too much hassle accessing it apparently) - so she got to go mad in Mothercare choosing baby toys!
We put a tin out and say on the invites 'no presents please, there will be a charity collection' - if people feel they want to contribute fine, if not no problems and even if they put money in the card I have no idea who contributes or doesn't or how much they put in...
Another parent always ignores the no present rule and from a couple of things she has said she obviously thinks it is wrong....
(other parents do understand -in fact some have 'copied' my idea)
So am I being unreasonable?
Have I missed something that might offend someone?

Surely the answer is to invite fewer children to the party. Just choose on behalf on your DD if she can't decide who she wants.

I've never heard of this being done either - parties are still tat central around here!

Perhaps I could see an older child / teenager wanting to do it but mine love are still at the age where they much prefer presents, so that is what we do. It's all about them on their birthdays.

YOU feel your children are getting too many presents at a party. I bet they don't!

How on earth is collecting for a charity anything to do with your children's birthday? If my children go to a friend's birthday they want to take a present. They don't want me to bung a few quid in a tin.

This all seems very controlling. Some things in life are out of your hands. Who decides to give a present to whom and what it might be is something that you just can't go about issuing legislation for. Not without looking somewhat over invested in the actions of others anyway. Also, I find birthday threads that bang on about 'tat' depressing. Childhood is short. It's not tat to them Must everything be worthy, educational, good for you, or for charidee...?

Very good point Scented Candle. I was thinking about this thread last night and I had a vivid recollection of some very treasured presents given to me at one of my parties (nb - my birthday is 21st and I always had differentiated gifts from my parents). Anyway, I remember my joy upon opening a box with a Snoopy Soap and Snoopy Talc. I was delighted and kept the soap as an ornament. I expect that gift would be considered "tat" but I loved it. And the soap on a rope and E.T. pencil and note pad.

21st of December I should have said.

You are getting a battering op, from me too as I don't agree with you but you sound like a good mum and a more charitable person than I am.
You say you give your dc a choice and they choose the big party with no presents over a small party with presents.....but...have you asked them what they would choose if there were no choices? What would they themselves want not just 'choose between these things that I, the mother, want'.

I don't the OP deserves the unpleasant posts either. She is asking for people's opinions not to get flamed. I don't get why some posters have to be nasty about it. As I mentioned down thread I tried a 'no presents' party for ALL the right reasons - it didn't work but I chalked it up to experience - . You live and learn

I'm not sure how to express how I feel about this, I'm somewhat flabbergasted.
I think your ethics are admirable.
But there are all the other days in the year that you and children can make a special contribution (physically or financially) to a chosen charity.
I think it's a shame to use their birthday as an excuse to do it. I'm sure it's not the case but I would feel (as a child) that on my special day, when I could be enjoying gifts, I have to sacrifice those, for the less fortunate. It's the one day when children can feel it's just theirs that they don't have to share.
Also, it's really up to the guests if they want to give to your children or to the charity. It is not something you should push onto others. If people want to give your children a gift you should allow them.

Additionally, I wouldn't expect anyone of my dd's friends to buy her gifts that were just 'needed'. I'm if that was the case of have knickers in every age range, new toothbrushes, hair bands and socks in varying sizes. Also children enjoy choosing gifts for their friends, if it really is crap, by all means give it to a charity shop. It's doing good all round then.
I think what's irritated MNs is the tone of the original post. In essence, there isn't anything 'wrong' with giving to the charities and some of the reasons behind your choices. What is annoying me though is that you say it's your child's choice but I'm guessing you are heavily influencing their decision. I'm inclined to say to forget what time of year your children's birthdays are, not their issue so it shouldn't be a factor in what you choose to give them. As other people have said, what if their birthdays were in June?
Let children be children and have the unadulterated joy of being spoiled on their birthdays. When they are grown up, and have educated themselves, they can make that decision for themselves.

If your children then want to donate it/sell it to raise charity funds, it is then their call.

I dont think the OP's ethics are admirable, its the DC who forfeit. The OP doenst donate her birthday money

Its one thing to say party or presents from you but why cant they have presents from the guests.

The thing that doesn't sit well with me with this OP is that it seems like the OP thinks she is doing something admirable... It's not her giving to charity it's other parents she is wanting to give to charity. It may be a charity that they wouldn't normally donate to. I am quite picky about the charities that I give my money and I don't appreciate people expecting me to donate to one that they favour in any circumstances. I would rather give my money to a charity that I want to give. For alot of people, charities are a very personal choice.

Nobody really turns up to a party without a gift so alot of people would feel obliged to donate because of this. Some people would maybe prefer to buy a small gift for your DC than donate to a charity of your choice.

I appreciate that you do charity work but if you feel that strongly about it then why not get your DC to pick out some toys, books, clothes that they don't use much any more and donate them instead, and then do the same with some of your things.

And although you say your DC are happy about it, I dare say they are but only because you've given them the either or option but I'm sure they would love a few token gifts too.

I might not remember every single gift I've ever been given but I remember the excitement as a child, I remember the feeling when I received something I loved and I actually remember how happy the giver of the gift was to see a child so happy with their present. I wouldn't wish my DD to not have those memories.

This sounds like how Nurse Ratched would run a birthday party.

And I also have got to wonder what you actually think you're teaching your DC. Maybe it would be better to teach them to be charitable throughout the year and not just on certain days when it's actually at someone else's expense.

Just an additional thought, there be another reason people may want to bring gifts, to show gratitude for including them in the celebrations. It all sounds rather dictatorial.

Tbh I would find it really wierd to go to a child's birthday party and be asked to contribute to a charity collection and not bring them a present. It's just doesn't feel right especially with younger children - its the one day that is about them.

I would imagine your DC pubilcly think it's a good idea but maybe aren't so keen underneath. But like most DC like to please their parents and at least they get a party.

And as for their birthdays being near Christmas, so what? My DS's is 2 days before Christmas and I work hard to make sure he has a special day despite it. Yes we end up with lots of stuff at the same time but then that's it for the year.

we all just give cash tbh at kids parties - presents up to age 7 or 8 -fiver up to age 9 or 10, tenner beyond that

i have no interest in knowing if that money is then given to charity. you would only be showing off if you felt a need to tell me you had donated it imo

I think it depends entirely on your family and your children's personalities. Only you can know if it is appropriate for them or not.

I was wondering if it would be possible to still give to charity and up the "fun factor"? For example if collecting for a local animal shelter get everyone to bring animal toys and food, blankets etc. all wrapped up nicely. They could look the animals up online if they are listed and put their names on the presents. The charity would probably be happy to get in on the act and write thank you notes from the animals, if your children would like that.

Or else you have an eco-party theme with appropriate activities (which don't have to be dull! kids actually quite like feeling virtuous while creating mayhem) and could ask for "secondhand presents" or "handmade presents" (my kids don't mind secondhand at all and love handmade but others might not like it depending on ages).

You could ask for a present "of a copy of your favourite book" if your kids are bookish (I would have loved that as a child)stating secondhand is fine.

Maybe these ideas aren't suitable at all but I hope the general idea is helpful.

As I say it's up to you to decide what fits - but my only caveat would be that it is a bit embarrassing for people to know what you spent sometimes and bringing a gift can be easier in that respect especially if you are hard up. People tend to overspend if they think people are looking, or else feel ostentatious if they want to be generous.

anyway I bet the party will be brilliant and anyone brave enough to give whole class parties is A Good Egg in my book as they are the only kind some children get invited to (my ASD ds has had two -class nwholeinvites this term and is beside himself with joy about it)

-class nwhole?? whole-class! can't get used to my new laptop!

yabu - taking all the joy away, but your kids, your choices.

Not everybody will like this as many parents may have a gift cupboard of unwanted gifts to give other children when their birthdays come round, or shop very cannily in the sales. Plus, my children like the whole gift wrapping / card writing thing as much as they like receiving things.

Hmm.

I would certainly rather people gave to charity than gave ME birthday presents - I always have a lovely day anyway, and live in a very small flat so "stuff" is an issue! However I wouldn't choose this for my children - although they both love presents, they are not materialistic really, especially DS1 who is 7 - he has chosen to have a family day out rather than a party before, he really only plays with lego and he feels bad getting lots of other presents when he literally just plays with that, he feels like people have "wasted" their money.

I work as a fundraiser and my children have got involved in this in lots of ways (at Christmas I was organising a collection in a supermarket and shamelessly dressed them in their nativity outfits and have them a tin :-p) and they understand what I do and why - but I wouldn't expect them to do this.

Just to addd though, if your DD's have birthdays close to Christmas (as ALL of us do in my house!) you have much of the rest of the year without pressies or birthday money! Yes, your kids will have a bit of a "glut" of lovely things in those few weeks but most likely no more than any other child just closer together!

I bet if you look at the Narcissistic Parent page on Wikipedia........ there will be a link to this thread.

There is an element of adopting a moral high ground but making other people pay for it.
I know you said there is no obligation to give but there is really. Most people will think it will be obvious if they don't.
I don't like being coerced into giving money to a charity I don't support. My office does this. 3 charities are selected and we're supposed to vote on which one we want to support for a year. Actually I don't want to support it but will still be expected to.

I am puzzled at the mentality of people insisting that they know what is best for your children when it comes to toys. I've had multiple experiences of people insisting on buying toys for DS (despite my politely asking them not to) which it turns out he already has (like I said, we have a large generous family and a lot of toys in this house!) or isn't interested in. Said toy then ends up sitting in a corner gathering dust or I give it away to the local charity shop (which, more often than not, prefers cold hard cash). It just seems so wasteful.

I'm the same with my birthday - I celebrate it and take people out for dinner etc and explicitly request that they don't bring any gifts, but can utilise the option of making a donation to Cancer Research (they know it's a charity close to my heart). I'm fortunate enough to be financially comfortable and can afford to purchase anything I need/want. Perhaps I would think differently if that was not the case, but it is.

I understand the joy in giving and absolutely love spoiling my DS and his friends (and my family and my friends), but would always respect a request to not buy a gift. I'm also one of those rare breeds who is very happy to gift cash if requested - I figure that the person can use the money how they choose, rather than be restricted to my choice of what I presume they will like.

OP, I really would take a number of views on this thread with a pinch of salt. I understand where you are coming from and I don't think you sound sanctimonious at all. You and your DDs are happy with your choices and that's all that matters. I hope you manage to raise a lot for your charity of choice.

OP why dont you donate the party money you spent to charity of choice and take your dds on a nice day out instead ?