To have a chairty collection instead of presents at my child's birthday parties?

[unlucky83]

My DCs don't get a birthday present - they get a party instead. They have a great party ...creates memories... and I don't have to buy them something just because it is their birthday (they are both just after Christmas anyway)... I think a great experience...only one problem - presents!
When DD1 had her first big party I hadn't even thought about it - then after I watched her open 20+ presents and honestly it made me feel a bit sick - it was just too much and although the presents were lovely they weren't really needed...we have too much 'stuff' anyway (clutter everywhere) and whatever someone buys if it ends up in a charity shop it is never going to make what was paid for it...
I then decided that if she was going to have a big (whole class) party that she wasn't going to have presents as well but in case people felt they should contribute something we would have a charity collection ...
And we stuck to that until she started having just a few friends - except when we had a shared party (would be awkward for other child)...and it worked well
Now DD2 had a couple of shared parties when little but for the last three years has had big parties on her own (she now has girl only parties - unfortunately most of her class are girls so still not small!).
She has agreed to the arrangement, she wants the party instead of a present and gets to chose the charity to support - I give her options (small, localish ones). In fact last year she had great fun because we collected for the children's ward at the local hospital and they didn't want cash (too much hassle accessing it apparently) - so she got to go mad in Mothercare choosing baby toys!
We put a tin out and say on the invites 'no presents please, there will be a charity collection' - if people feel they want to contribute fine, if not no problems and even if they put money in the card I have no idea who contributes or doesn't or how much they put in...
Another parent always ignores the no present rule and from a couple of things she has said she obviously thinks it is wrong....
(other parents do understand -in fact some have 'copied' my idea)
So am I being unreasonable?
Have I missed something that might offend someone?

we have done a no presents thing before - mainly as it was a joint party with about 30 kids and that would have been far too many gifts for the birthday girls.

But normal party? Hell yeah.

A lot of people are incredibly materialistic and see birthdays all about the 'presents' rather than the celebration.

I've got say, it's always the people who can afford a decent lifestyle, that say stuff like this, go on about materialism etc

I don't think this is mean at all. We do give birthday presents to the children, but only spend about 10, the party is the biggest thing in their minds, the thing they are looking forward to, and choosing what kind of cake they will have, they plan it months in advance, make things for the party, and it's all they talk about. Plenty of people do presents but not a party, so why not the other way round, if the children prefer it? I know my children get plenty from family without needing to be given things at the party.

Some of you are right charmers about the gift bought for your child "plastic tat"? Nice!

I know candycoated, it is so patronizing. And why, if it is tat, is it ok to then give it to charity? It is like saying, my children don't need tat, but other poor unfortunate children do and it is ok for them.

It is like saying, my children don't need tat, but other poor unfortunate children do and it is ok for them.

I wanted to say this pages ago thanks for saying out loud, give the poor children the TATT they will be grateful

I remember one mother going on about the Steiner Kindergarten and how it's all wooden toys and I asked her why wooden toys are better than plastic ones; was there some intrinsic moral value to wooden toys that plastic toys do not possess?

She muttered something about wooden toys being better for the environment and I pointed out that so many of thos lovely wood toys had come from ancient forests cut down in eastern europe and russia

I know this is why i have no friends

ubik that made me laugh people think de forrestation (sp) is fine as long as it is for lovely wooden toys I have a relative with older children one is in her late teens and they were huge on wooden toys the grandma my aunt used to hunt high and low in our little town for these approved wooden toys by passing good old wollies and going into the little independent cost a fortune toy shop ,

sykadelic15 - I know exactly what you mean about the tin and I do exactly that with the thank yous! I put the exact amount raised (before being topped up) and if someone wanted to check with the charity they easily could (and the only way they would know I top up for the ones accusing me of showing off!). My volunteer work is mainly accounts so I am very conscious of things needing to be transparent.

And I only support smaller charities anyway (not just for this but everything) so they will know what they got - and because the small amount raised could make a real difference and close to 100% of the money will actually go to the cause rather than the big charities where £20-30 of a £100 donation will go on running costs...

She can sponsor an animal (actually 4!) through her latest collection - but she can't decide which...so as it stands we are just going to give the money and so it will help all the animals.

ithaka I agree that sounds naff - I felt like I had to defend myself and did it badly...

I also never said I thought the presents were tatt - lots of lovely ones - but just not needed. (My Dcs do have plastic toys)
But people would be happier if we donate things to a charity shop they play with so we had space, let them play with the new presents and then donate them to the charity shop later - even if they never got round to playing with them and they were new - they will never raise the same amount as the parent paid...the charity will benefit but not to the extent they will if they get the cash...to me that doesn't make sense...

I've been think about why not just 'no presents'? - people would be happier to turn up to a party and not take anything? I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that... I think it is like taking a bottle of wine or something to an adult party ... I don't expect or know if someone has donated or not ...it is completely their choice...whatever makes them comfortable (hence the tin rather than money in cards ).

minisoks - DD2 is a Rainbow ..our Rainbows are ok for money (I don't do them, I do the Brownies and we talk). We live in a relatively comfortable area and it might be a bit weird for a collection to benefit this area like that...(A bit like someone being uncomfortable that the toddlers group had got a grant from Comic Relief - I knew exactly what they meant...)

OP, it sounds as though you are insisting on projecting your beliefs and values on your children. YOU aren't fussed about presents. YOU preferred cards / parties as a child. YOU think having a birthday near Christmas is sufficient reason not to give birthday presents. YOU think donating to charity is preferable to receiving lots of presents - even when those presents aren't actually for you.

It would be nice if your DDs were given the opportunity to form their own opinions about birthdays and what is important about them.

Unlucky - donating toys to a charity shop ISN'T just about the amount of money that the charity can raise by selling them! It also means that there are good quality toys etc, available at low prices, so that people on low incomes can afford to buy things for their dc that they couldn't otherwise afford - it is a double benefit.

Op, you are getting a battering.

My DDs also love a good party over presents. Partly because they have so much stuff already so don't really appreciate presents properly. They do love a good 'experience' though.

We are lucky that our school encourages '5 euro' parties.
You write 5 euro party on invites, and all (most) party guests bring a birthday card stuffed with 5 euro note. It has become so popular that you look grabby if not a 5 euro party!

I love it, saves me dashing out to buy presents or having a stock of presents at home. And my DDs spend some of the money and save the rest for holiday spending money.

Sounds like most people on this thread would hate this practice!!

My DS1 had a friend in nursery/infant years whose birthday was on Christmas Day. His mother used to have the party in the summer as close as possible to 6 months after ( or before) Christmas Day. Oliver's "summer party" was quite special to him as no one else had one of these.

I think it is terrible not to give your child a birthday present - I suspect you may find this thrown back at you when they are older. Mine didn't always want parties, sometimes did a trip with a few friends instead, but a party should not be instead of a gift.

My sons always loved opening all their presents. Most parents could be relied upon to give something that was not just plastic tat but maybe a book, or a T shirt and the odd fiver amongst it all. I would not have dreamed of saying they had to forgo this and have the stuff given to charity or ask for donations.

Parents who inflict their high moral principles and other views on their children often end up paying the price later on.

I have no issue with the no pressie thing . It's the contradictions and the smugness .
Loads of us do charitable work and make decisions based upon environmental concern .We just don't bang on about it.
All my parties have been 'Eco friendly ' and no one would have known .
No one likes a smart ass ,or a bore .

i like this saying

when you give to someone in need, do not let the left hand know what the right hand is doing

matthew 6:3

I like the 5 euro party idea. It's different though that it's established school tradition and the child doesn't them have to give it to charity!! They can choose a present for Themselves.

It's a bit like paying an entrance fee though?

I remember two birthdays very fondly from childhood - one where I invited three sisters and my mum moaned constantly about how cheap the mother had even because my gift was some felt tips, crayons, pencil case etc from all three kids. It was my favorite gift of all - I rarely got art supplies as my parents thought I was crap at drawing.

The other was a disco age 11 - my step dad realised secondary school meant an end to regular pass the parcel parties, and rented the village hall and a dj, printed invitations for 60 kids. He even bought fish and chips for everyone and decorated the hall. I was overwhelmed by such an amazing and generous event for me, it was beyond my wildest dreams. For a few weeks I was the talk if the school as it was the first disco birthday for our year group.

The best bit was going home with a black sack absolutely overflowing with gifts - I never forgot the fun of opening all those gifts, more than I had ever received in my life, tins of roses, bath sets, a pretty silver locket... I felt so special.

I just can't imagine feeling the same sour a charity birthday party. I know you can get a warm glow from doing charity events - I set up a free toy give away at Christmas and sponsor a local family and buy all their Christmas gifts for their kids eah year - but would I have felt that way as a child? No.

I love the idea of a 'sort of' official 5 euro party agreement. My DCs used to go to a small school with one class per year and there seemed to be an unwritten rule in DS1 and DS2's years that everyone gave a $15 gift certificate to a large toy and electronic store. It was fantastic, it was easy and really appreciated by the parents and the kids. It didn't take off in my DDs years though. I am not sure why (I tried )

So what would the reaction be if instead of a charity collection we had one for DD instead...
To say no presents please just cash or a gift card for a specific store so DD can get a decent present?

A decent present, rather than the shit people usually buy for your DD you mean?

I'm not sure that will win you more friends amongst the parents to be honest...

what is a decent present then I really dont think many people are going to go to your way of thinking

The bottom line seems to be that you don't value what your DDs are gifted but it's not about what you think, it's about what they think.

So that went down well didn't it...as expected...charity collection marginally better? Or maybe not?
I don't think the presents aren't nice - said multiple times - just too many but surely having a cash collection for the birthday child - (as suggested by a couple of previous posters and personally I would have no problem with that either) could be seen to imply that ..
and people would get offended by that too!

YABU and also disrespectful expecting people to donate to a chosen charity that they do not support or may have issues with.

I feel for your little ones, it is not their fault they were born so near to Christmas, they should be allowed to accept gifts on their birthdays.

Do not misunderstand me I respect your charitable attitude.

Dia - it is a labelled tin - so people can chose to put in or not - whatever they are comfortable with ...they don't HAVE to donate - we don't expect it!
If they feel uncomfortable bringing nothing they can - if they don't or object to the charity DD has chosen they just don't put in...I don't stand next to it and watch... ticking them off on a list...