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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset, judged and embarrassed about incident today

135 replies

FeelingEmbarrassed · 22/02/2014 14:27

Just came home from a walk around town and whilst I was in boots with my 3 month old DD on her pram I bought a few bits. On my way out the security guard stopped me and asked me to come back in to store as he wanted to talk to me. At first I thought it was a con or scam of some sort as I'm a bit wary in weird situations but he had ID so I followed him back in, feeling worried and anxious about what he was going to say. He took me in office and said that he hadn't told manager or called police and did I want to just return the items i had stolen and leave. I was so shocked and being a new mum I'm full of emotion and hormonal so I started to well up and ask what he meant as I hadn't taken anything! He said that he hadn't seen or followed me but a woman reported to him that I'd put something In my baby changing bag under my pram! ( I hadn't at all of course but I did reach down to get my purse out from the bag, the only time I can assume she thought if taken something). I showed him my bag, he also asked me to undo my prams wind shield where my baby was sleeping to see I hadn't put anything there. He was happy I hadn't and he apologised and then I walked out in tears.
I don't know why but I felt judged by woman who was probably just doing what she thought was right thing but as a new mum I feel lacking in confidence about how I look and I felt rough today with poor sleep so that didn't help but I just felt embarrassed and totally upset by it.
Have you ever been accused of stealing and how did you react? Am I being over sensitive or am I right to be upset? Ruined my really good day up until then.
Sorry for long story and rant!

OP posts:
poopooheadwillyfatface · 22/02/2014 14:30

It sounds to me like you are knackered and a bit fragile. I bet if you were getting loads of sleep every night this would have just been a mildly annoying but minor blip.

Honestly, don't worry about it.

YANBU to be a bit irritated though.

YouAreTalkingRubbish · 22/02/2014 14:34

Ok, I am sure others will disagree but I think I would try to put it too one side and not worry about it. It would upset me but I wouldn't feel judged or embarrassed. I really hate shoplifters and I understand that it's not always possible to know 100% whether so done has stolen something or not. I never mind having extended searches at airports and I am always happy to show extra ID if need be.
If he had been rude to you then I think it would be a bit different.

I hope you are feeling ok now. Smile.

IcaMorgan · 22/02/2014 14:34

I got accused of stealing and barred from Tesco because I spoke to someone who picked up all the bags at the end of the til when paying and didn't realise that the previous person had left a bag behind a few days before. The security manager called the community police and I was questioned by them. All this was done in full view of everyone coming in and out of the shop. (I even got asked about it later in the pub by someone who had seen it)

I spent the whole time crying and was totally humiliated by the whole experience and emailed the CEO of Tesco to complain, I got called to a meeting with the store manager and security manager and was apologised to and the ban lifted

pippitysqueakity · 22/02/2014 14:34

Aaw, that's rotten. Please don't take it personally or let it spoil your day. People make mistakes, unfortunately this woman's mistake affected you.Just try to forget it asap.

JoinTheDots · 22/02/2014 14:35

I think even as a not so new mum I would have been upset by that - being accused of something you have not done is like that.

However, you did will to hold your grace with the security man and it is over now, no need to dwell on it as I am sure he was feeling rather embarrassed himself for accusing you when there was nothing in your bag. Tell a few people in real life about it so you can start to feel more comfortable with what happened and I bet by the end of the day you will be able to smile about it while you tell the story.

insideleg · 22/02/2014 14:36

I am afraid I disagree. In security I think you need to be bloody sure that someone has taken something. The security should only have approached you if he had seen you with his own eyes or seen you on CCTV. I would have been mortified too and furious. YANBU

BloominNora · 22/02/2014 14:36

Oh bless you - don't feel judged or embarrassed - he was just doing his job and apologised.

I've never been accused personally, but I remember being about 15 and on a school trip in Chester. My friend had bought a denim shirt from Top Shop and unbeknown to us, they had left the security tag on. It didn't set any alarms off when we left Top Shop but did set the alarm off in a little independent shop we went into later. The security guard made my friend empty all of her bags and when he realised it was the Top Shop shirt and assumed she'd stolen that until she showed him the receipt.

He told her to go back and get it sorted and was really pissed off she was innocent. They also still booted us out of the shop and told us not to come back despite none of us doing anything wrong.

I did almost steal a dress and a pair of shoes from Debenhams once. We'd gone looking for a dress for DD to wear to BILs wedding - found the dress, shoes and accessories we wanted, hung them on the back of the buggy and then got distracted looking in different sections of the store before walking out. It wasn't until we were half way across the shopping centre we realised the stuff was still on the buggy and had to sneak back into the shop to pay Grin.

CleverWittyUsername · 22/02/2014 14:37

I'm sorry you're feeling upset, I would feel that way myself probably. It's a shame your day out has been spoiled by this. I'm sure the woman was feeling like she was 'doing her bit' rather than trying to be malicious. At least the security guard apologised to you.

SpagBolgs · 22/02/2014 14:38

Go to your local newspapers

insancerre · 22/02/2014 14:40

I wasn't accused or approached but I was followed very closely several times by the security guards when shopping in department stores when heavily pregnant
Lots of shoplifters pretend to be pregnant but really they are just stashing their loot.
People do the same with pushchairs and prams.

Caitlin17 · 22/02/2014 14:42

I've never had anything like that happens to me but I'd have expected a full apology and an offer of something like a bottle of wine/ box of chocolates/small amount of store vouchers for the inconvenience, waste of my time and embarrassment. Extremely poor customer relations there.

BuggedByJake · 22/02/2014 14:43

You need to complain about the security guard. They are not allowed to approach you unless they are 100% sure you have stolen something. They certainly shouldn't be taking another customers word for it.
You have nothing to feel bad about & I hope the security guard is feeling guilty.

YouTheCat · 22/02/2014 14:45

The woman who reported you should be ashamed and the security guard needs to do his job properly.

I'm not naive and know some shoplifters use buggies and prams as their 'cover' but you're clearly a new mum, you paid at the checkout and the security should have given you the benefit of the doubt.

What a bloody awful thing to happen.

Caitlin17 · 22/02/2014 14:47

Actually if it were me I'd probably write to the store and complain. They picked on you not because the guard or an assistant thought you were suspicious but because another shopper "shopped" you wrongly. A "sorry"isn't good enough.

What if you'd been late for an appointment, collecting another child, missed a train because they held you up?

DameFanny · 22/02/2014 14:51

I would assume the woman who reported you was using you as cover to distract the guard from whatever she was up to - guard needs more training I suspect

notso · 22/02/2014 14:58

I would just mark it as a bad experience and move on.

Sorry is good enough.

starlight1234 · 22/02/2014 14:58

I would be upset and not sleep deprived...

You did nothing wrong though so hold your head up high....

harriet247 · 22/02/2014 14:58

How strange- i hqd the exact same thing happen in boots last week!!!are you im wales OP? He followed me around and around and eventually the manager came over. It was humiliating. I was wandering as killing time waiting for dp to pick us up but i have never shoplifted.
I wonder if they are told to keep an eye on prams?
Big fat hug for you OP

JackNoneReacher · 22/02/2014 15:00

I think the security guard was out of order and I would complain about your treatment. I also wouldn't have gone emptied my bags and pram.

However I know when I've been really tired, I don't think clearly and would probably have done the same as you. Also being exhausted makes you feel more upset than you normally would. Everything starts to feel unmanageable.

Supercosy · 22/02/2014 15:01

This happened to a male friend of mine, he was apprehended in a shop on the say so of a child who told a security guard that he had stolen something. He was very, very upset about it. They let him go after questioning him really unpleasantly and searching him. He did not receive any kind of apology and it was a really unsettling experience for him. Don't feel bad about yourself. You did nothing wrong and anyone (let alone a new mum) would feel fragile and upset in those circumstances.

NeonMuffin · 22/02/2014 15:03

There was and incident similar to this featured in my local paper not long ago. An old man was accused of stealing from Sainsburys when he hadn't, he'd also been dragged into the offices by security on front of other customers. He went to the paper because the store had refused to apologise for the upset and embarrassment caused. Funnily enough following the stories appearance on to front page they did just that.

JackNoneReacher · 22/02/2014 15:04

I'd be interested to know the legal situation here. Presumably a security guard doesn't have the power to search or detain?? Esp not if he's not seen anything suspicious!

cookiemonster5678 · 22/02/2014 15:05

YANBU

I would too be upset, but try not to let a stupid busy body person knock your confidence Smile

IslaValargeone · 22/02/2014 15:06

I'd be really interested to know what my rights were regarding this type of thing?
I would want more than another shopper's word as evidence before I started emptying my bag/pram.
Big hugs all the way OP.

IslaValargeone · 22/02/2014 15:06

CP'd with Jack.