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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel upset, judged and embarrassed about incident today

135 replies

FeelingEmbarrassed · 22/02/2014 14:27

Just came home from a walk around town and whilst I was in boots with my 3 month old DD on her pram I bought a few bits. On my way out the security guard stopped me and asked me to come back in to store as he wanted to talk to me. At first I thought it was a con or scam of some sort as I'm a bit wary in weird situations but he had ID so I followed him back in, feeling worried and anxious about what he was going to say. He took me in office and said that he hadn't told manager or called police and did I want to just return the items i had stolen and leave. I was so shocked and being a new mum I'm full of emotion and hormonal so I started to well up and ask what he meant as I hadn't taken anything! He said that he hadn't seen or followed me but a woman reported to him that I'd put something In my baby changing bag under my pram! ( I hadn't at all of course but I did reach down to get my purse out from the bag, the only time I can assume she thought if taken something). I showed him my bag, he also asked me to undo my prams wind shield where my baby was sleeping to see I hadn't put anything there. He was happy I hadn't and he apologised and then I walked out in tears.
I don't know why but I felt judged by woman who was probably just doing what she thought was right thing but as a new mum I feel lacking in confidence about how I look and I felt rough today with poor sleep so that didn't help but I just felt embarrassed and totally upset by it.
Have you ever been accused of stealing and how did you react? Am I being over sensitive or am I right to be upset? Ruined my really good day up until then.
Sorry for long story and rant!

OP posts:

diddl · 22/02/2014 15:10

I wonder what is the correct thing to do tbh.

I'd certainly be reluctant to follow them to an office!

I think I'd try to be brave enough to stay where I was & tell them to fetch the police.

Perhaps better not to keep your purse under your pram-in case your changing bag gets nicked!

littledrummergirl · 22/02/2014 15:10

When ds1 and ds2 were toddlers/ small people I went into Waitrose for nappy liners. Not knowing where they were we wandered up and down for a while looking for them and chocolate healthy snacks as they were being good.
I realised we were being followed by several employees and got cross. I bought the liners as it was the only place here that sold them and told the cashier why I was pissed off and left.
Ds1 is now 13. I have never been back.

Vinomum · 22/02/2014 15:12

A similar thing happened to me in Sainsburys a couple of years ago. I was at the till unpacking all my stuff from the trolley and chatting with the woman on the till as she was putting it all through. One of her colleagues came up to her as I was packing my stuff and said something to her very quietly. I carried on packing, she carried on chatting to me. Then when she'd scanned all my items, she looked at me brightly and said 'now can you give me the make up to scan too please?'. I looked at her blankly and asked what make up, and she said 'the make up you've left in the bottom of your trolley'. There wasn't any, I've never even bought make up from sainsburys, and I was absolutely baffled and completely mortified that she'd been chatting to me all the time suspecting I was a shoplifter. Obviously her colleague had told her something to that effect.

I felt really upset by the whole incident and offended too. I didn't get an apology, I just walked out as quickly as I could, but now with hindsight I wish I'd complained and made a bit more of a fuss because it just made me feel so shit. YANBU.

Caitlin17 · 22/02/2014 15:15

m.wikihow.com/Legally-Detain-a-Shoplifter

No guarantee as to accuracy but from this and other sites the guard seems badly out of order as he didn't see or thought he saw you take anything.

There was a comment on another site from a store guard saying

"TO secure a successful stop, a store detective needs to observe all of the below factors of S.C.O.N.E.
S = Selection of item
C = Concealment of item
O = Observation of shoplifter at all times since seeing the two above things
N = Non payment of item
E = Escape"

LimitedEditionLady · 22/02/2014 15:15

Cant make you empty your bag or pram

LimitedEditionLady · 22/02/2014 15:19

To prosecute for shoplifting you have to have taken an item through the door but they can request the right to search your bags if there is definitive proof.

Caitlin17 · 22/02/2014 15:19

They can't make you open your bag and they can't go through your bag. They would have to call the police if you refused and they were certain they wanted to pursue it.

Catkinsthecatinthehat · 22/02/2014 15:20

I'm not surprised the guard didn't alert the manager, as he probably knew he was bang out of order - stopping you on hearsay, detaining you in the office and searching you.

Complain to the store. And if he physically touched you in any way, to the police.

Fluffyears · 22/02/2014 15:21

Not calling the police is wrong. My dad was a store manager for a large supermarket chain and was told to always get the police. Even if it was a wee harmless old person. It could be calling the police meant social services got involved as sometimes they found out the person was stealing out of desperation. In some circumstances social services realised the old person wasn't getting correct pension and was skint etc.

diddl · 22/02/2014 15:24

Oh looks like if he didn't see anything then that was that!

I'd complain.

I once got home & there was something under the pushchair that my toddler had put there!

I had neither seen it nor paid!

Trinpy · 22/02/2014 15:24

I think you should complain to the store manager and if they aren't groveling for forgiveness, go to the local paper. The security guard shouldn't be accusing customers of stealing unless he's seen it himself. I don't think they have any power in that kind of situation to make you empty your bags, only call the police if you don't cooperate. Which would make him look very stupid since he has no real evidence.

No need to feel embarrassed op, this was their fault.

LimitedEditionLady · 22/02/2014 15:24

Basically until you have taken something out of a shop you havent stolen it.

CynicalandSmug · 22/02/2014 15:25

I have never actually been accused of stealing, but I am frequently followed by over zealous security guards. This used to upset me as I know I would never steal, but now I accept it, and am grateful that I am very unlikely to have my purse/bag nicked while under such obvious scrutiny! Of course, the store is being emptied by real shoplifters while the security are obsessing over me.....

I would complain though if I were you Op, it clearly upset you and no one else should have to go through that.

boydonewrongagain · 22/02/2014 15:29

Awwww Dont worry op I bet you made the security guard feel like a right bastard getting upset ... Good hope he feels bad all day lol!!!

I think a well worded letter to boots would get you some vouchers for the inconvenience

Dont worry about it honestly I once gave my hysterical toddler a milkyway bar in a supermarket to keep him quiet which I often do and pay for when I pay my bill at the checkout and a security guard followed me round the whole store while I did my shopping I was so angry I asked him why he was following me and he quickly buggered off I was a bit embarrassed.

Dont let a couple if busy body's ruin your day :)

Caitlin17 · 22/02/2014 15:30

On one of the sites I Googled a store detective also said if a guard takes a suspect off the shop floor to a private part of the shop there should be another store employee there. If the guard and the suspect are opposite sexes the other employee should be the same sex as the suspect.

Did he do that or were you alone with him?

JackNoneReacher · 22/02/2014 15:31

Was it Boots?

expatinscotland · 22/02/2014 15:34

I would tweet about this.

SeaSickSal · 22/02/2014 15:41

Oh god. Something similar happened to me yesterday.

I was in the supermarket with my little boy and he was throwing a bit of a tantrum so I gave him a book and a granola bar to keep him quiet while he was in the trolley.

We were going through the self service tills and this old woman ignored the queue for the tills and came and stood right next to us as the till we were using. She started pointing at the book and the granola bar and saying 'I hope you've paid for them' really, really loudly in front of the other customers. It was mortifying. Then she was trying to put her stuff on the till scanner while my husband was still putting his pin in the card reader and trying to shove us out of the way.

Unfortunately we all have to deal with the actions of nasty unstable people sometimes and this is what has happened to you. In that sense you need to tot it up to experience.

But on the other hand, years ago when I was in Boots I had a look in one of the drawers underneath the make up stands to see if they had an eyeshadow that wasn't out on the shelf. The Boots I used to use in Bromley was okay with that but apparently not this one but there were no signs up to say not to open them. A female assistant came over and shouted at me and made me feel like I was a shoplifter.

I complained to Boots Head Office and they credited my advantage card with £15.00 as an apology.

I think you should complain to Boots Head Office because the way that the security guard dealt with you was wrong. He shouldn't have worked from the assumption it was correct, but instead have explained to you what had been reported and ask if it was correct and say if so please would you return the items.

VivaLeBeaver · 22/02/2014 15:47

I used to work in retail and we were told that we had to be 100% sure someone had something. S we had to see them take it and not lose sight of them until they stepped out the door to make sure they didnt put it back. We were told if we stopped someone and they hadn't taken anything then the store could be sued for false imprisonment and defamation of character due to the fact people would have seen the stop.

MrsCampbellBlack · 22/02/2014 15:47

I would have been very cross in your place. I would phone that boots store now and ask to speak to the manager and then I'd write to head office and tweet them as expat suggested.

BlueDesmarais · 22/02/2014 15:50

I've worked retail for years - we are NOT allowed to stop a shoplifter unless we saw it 100% with our own eyes and are under no doubt at all. To stop an innocent person could result in a lengthy court case, and I myself nearly lost my job for stopping a frequent and prolific shoplifter who turned violent (as he was trying to harm us, we had to barricade ourselves in the back until he'd gone, and thus we couldn't search him.)

They can't stop you. He could easily lose his job over that.

I know it sounds mental that they can't stop shoplifters, but such is life.

iklboo · 22/02/2014 15:54

Yes Dame - I've also heard that shoplifting 'gangs' distract the security guard by saying they've seen someone stealing and while he's occupied with you they happily loot away.

splashingingumboots · 22/02/2014 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kingbeat23 · 22/02/2014 15:58

You have absolutely no reason to feel like YABU. The security guard wasn't going to call the police or the store manager as it was a false arrest. Totally out of order for guards to go on the word of someone else, and then make a stop.

AwfulMaureen · 22/02/2014 16:01

Surely a man can't ask a woman to accompany him alone to an office without telling the manager or getting another staff member to come along??

Someone tell me if I'm right...because if I am then OP needs to tell the police she was unjustly detained.

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