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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt by 'best friends' Facebook post?

324 replies

MrsDrRanj · 19/02/2014 19:51

I know I know, it's just Facebook, please don't stone me!

I have been close with my best friends for over 10 years, we have both supported eachother through some very tough times. Including an abortion I had when I was 15. I didn't get much professional support and struggled with the decision for a long time, in fact it's something I still struggle with today and still think about.

Being my best friend she knows all this, she knows it is a sensitive subject and the torment I went through afterwards.

Last night she posted a picture on Facebook, that had a picture of a pregnant woman with an arrow pointing to her saying 'your body' and an arrow pointing to her pregnant belly saying 'somebody else's body' and the headline 'it's not your decision - abortion is murder'

I texted her saying 'ouch, that pic hurt' and she messaged saying 'I'm not trying to offend anyone but I agree with it'

I know everybody is entitled to their views, but aibu to think this was really insensitive and unnecessary? She is not just a random person who knows I have had an abortion, she is my best friend who knows how much it hurt me and supported me through it.

I almost feel betrayed and confused about our whole friendship.

OP posts:
bearsprout · 20/02/2014 21:45

CurlyHaired I hope you understand that because I am lucky enough to be unencumbered by emotion on the matter, I might have stated the incontrovertible fact that breast milk is better than formula milk with an apparent brisk lack of concern - rest assured I did not mean to be rude.

I had a friend who was quite cut up about being unable to breast feed so I am aware that it is a very sensitive matter, and in no way do I imply a deficiency of any kind whatsoever in any mummy who has to use formula milk.

rabbitlady · 20/02/2014 21:46

she's entitled to her view. you did what you had to do, she supported you. but that doesn't mean she has to walk on eggshells for the rest of her life so as not to offend you.

brooncoo · 20/02/2014 21:57

Posting something like that is like going really out of your way to offend people, though. As long as you remember you could be harshly judged by others. I would have to reassess how I felt about someone if they posted that kind of crap.

bumbleymummy · 20/02/2014 22:13

"going really out of your way to offend people"

Not really. People 'like' and 'share' lots of things that I may not share their opinion on. I don't think they're going out of their way to offend me.

DebbieOfMaddox · 20/02/2014 22:13

Avoiding calling a friend a murderer isn't exactly "walking on eggshells", is it?

AnyoneforTurps · 20/02/2014 22:31

What craicdealer [great name] said.

Anyone who thinks that FB is an appropriate place to post this sort of thing is an insensitive twat. It will be seen by women who have had abortions after rape, incest or because the baby had unsurvivable congenital abnormalities.

And however much you may disagree with abortion, the suggestion that it is "not your decision" is incredibly offensive, especially for women who may have had control over their own bodies taken away by rape or sexual abuse. It's my body, it's my decision - whatever that decision is.

brooncoo · 21/02/2014 00:31

Bubblemummy - yes, it's really easy to just hit like or share. But when folk pass on this crap it really lowers my opinion of them. Even if not malicious, makes me think they aren't all that sensitive or bright. But, as someone else says - it's a good filter or knob alert.

innisglas · 21/02/2014 02:12

Sorry haven't read all the comments here, just wanted to say that as unpleasant as abortions are, I firmly believe that most women abort out of a high sense of maternal love when they know or feel that they are not in a position to look after a child as they feel children need. So it is in fact an act of love.
As for friends, they come and go, but none of us are perfect and we learn how to live with the defects of our good friends. I only hope your friend is never put in the position where she has to eat her words, because judgement comes before a fall.

FlockOfTwats · 21/02/2014 04:14

Id defriend for the picture alone, even without your backstory so yanbu.

bumbleymummy · 21/02/2014 08:26

Brooncoo, I think that's because you don't share their opinion on that particular issue. You may like or share things that someone else thinks are absolute crap but I doubt you would consider yourself insensitive or 'not that bright' or that they should lower their opinion of you.

innisglas

" I firmly believe that most women abort out of a high sense of maternal love when they know or feel that they are not in a position to look after a child as they feel children need. "

Just out of curiosity, do you feel the same way about women who kill their children? That they are doing it out of love because because they don't feel they can look after them?

frumpet · 21/02/2014 08:26

I do wonder if your friend has 'developed' her views over the last ten years ? She may have been prochoice when she supported you when you had your termination and since having her own child has swung the other way , i know several people who have done this . All of them would have had a termination when they were 15 . But as they all got through to their 20s/30s by the skin of their teeth and not had one ( although all have to my knowledge taken the morning after pill ) they are now able to hold the moral high ground .

brooncoo · 21/02/2014 08:42

Bubblemummy - , "I think that's because you don't share their opinion on that particular issue. You may like or share things that someone else thinks are absolute crap but I doubt you would consider yourself insensitive or 'not that bright' or that they should lower their opinion of you."

We are not talking about an opinion of likeing David Bowie over One Direction or something. This picture calling women murderers is like folk who post about immigrants or racist stuff, to me anyway. We all have a cut off point of what we find acceptable or insensitive.

LouSend · 21/02/2014 09:02

When you were 15 your friend supported you in your decision to have an abortion.

In the ten years or so since then your friend has continued to support you and to be a good friend.

Friends like that are rare.

You have now learnt that your friend is anti-abortion, and possibly was when you were 15, but has continuously supported you and been a good friend to you.

Friends like that are extremely rare.

Probably she didn't agree with your choice back then. But she accepted it because she respected you. And she continued to love you.

You don't agree with the fb choice she made. It hurt. It was, I admit, a little tactless. But she is entitled to her opinion on this. Just because she feels this way doesn't mean she would treat someone who has had, or is choosing to have, an abortion any differently. It's taken you ten years to know her view even though she's your best friend.

Sounds to me like she's been, and still is, a very good friend to have.

sunshinemmum · 21/02/2014 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AskBasil · 21/02/2014 10:54

LOL at people continuing to insist that the OP's poltroon acquaintance is a good friend.

She not only posted something crass and hurtful on FB, when the OP told her how hurt she was, she dismissed her feelings. That is not the action of a good friend.

Even if you think there's nothing wrong with the moronic FB post, can one of you run past me why dismissing your friend's feelings is the action of a "good friend"?

Because I must be a terrible princess, I think one of the things you do as a friend, is bite your tongue an awful lot in order to save your friend's feelings. If you've got something to say, you say it diplomatically and you acknowledge your friend's feelings if they tell you about them. At least, I do with my friends and I expect they do with me because I'm not constantly being hurt/ upset/ outraged by stuff they say to me. I don't think that's because they agree with me about everything, I think it's because they behave as good friends, as do I.

bumbleymummy · 21/02/2014 11:34

Basil, If someone says that they disagree with your opinion/are hurt by it do you say "sorry" and change your opinion to make them happy? Why should she have to hide what she believes in at the risk of offending others?

bumbleymummy · 21/02/2014 11:34

I agree with LouSend

JohnFarleysRuskin · 21/02/2014 11:46

Agree with "she's an insensitive twat"

Fine to call your friends murderers - because its on fb?

I couldn't be arsed with her.

brooncoo · 21/02/2014 11:51

Bumbleymummy

Can you not see why some folk thinking that posting a picture of a pregnant woman on a site where some of the women have possibly (and at least one that they know of) had abortions and calling them murderers is extremely confrontational with huge possibility to upset and offend. You make it sound like she was stating her favourite colour is yellow or such.

bumbleymummy · 21/02/2014 12:03

Yes, I can see that it might offend some people but as I said earlier, any of our beliefs have the potential to offend others. Someone could post something in support of gay marriage rights that may really offend some Christians. Does that mean they shouldn't show their support for it? Or is that something you would say that the Christians should just accept because you happen to agree with it?

Wishyouwould · 21/02/2014 12:06

How are you OP? Do you think your friendship can continue after this?

HavantGuard · 21/02/2014 12:33

Those who are rabidly anti abortion can't see beyond the ends of their noses.

sunshinemmum · 21/02/2014 12:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brooncoo · 21/02/2014 13:29

Some Christians are against gay marriage - fair enough. I think there is a huge difference from having a private opinion or discussing it reasonably between friends - than perhaps posting an inflammatory picture of say (just for example) two gay guys having sex with a caption like "how can something so unnatural be allowed to marry and insult the institute of marriage".

Can you really not see the difference between having an opinion and causing upset and offence?

HunterWellies · 21/02/2014 14:19

YADNBU

I gasped when I read your post, op, because for a brief moment I thought I could be your friend. I had the same situation with my best friend.

Then I remembered I am not an insensitive twat who posts crap memes on her fb page...

Sorry she has let you down. Perhaps you could talk it over with her? 10 years is a lot to lose. On the other hand, if she really can't do any better than 'I'm not trying to offend anyone but...' then perhaps she isn't the friend you thought she was.