To be hurt by 'best friends' Facebook post?

[MrsDrRanj]

I know I know, it's just Facebook, please don't stone me!

I have been close with my best friends for over 10 years, we have both supported eachother through some very tough times. Including an abortion I had when I was 15. I didn't get much professional support and struggled with the decision for a long time, in fact it's something I still struggle with today and still think about.

Being my best friend she knows all this, she knows it is a sensitive subject and the torment I went through afterwards.

Last night she posted a picture on Facebook, that had a picture of a pregnant woman with an arrow pointing to her saying 'your body' and an arrow pointing to her pregnant belly saying 'somebody else's body' and the headline 'it's not your decision - abortion is murder'

I texted her saying 'ouch, that pic hurt' and she messaged saying 'I'm not trying to offend anyone but I agree with it'

I know everybody is entitled to their views, but aibu to think this was really insensitive and unnecessary? She is not just a random person who knows I have had an abortion, she is my best friend who knows how much it hurt me and supported me through it.

I almost feel betrayed and confused about our whole friendship.

I don't know actually.

I once supported a friend through an abortion and even went to the clinic with her, in spite of my belief thait we don't have the right to terminate the life of another person, and that life begins at conception.

I also understand that the decision isn't black and white. I really do.

I supported my friend, because the consequence of me not doing would not have been to prevent the abortion from happening, but to make her feel isolated, and go through the experience on her own rather than with support. And that's why I have never voiced my own beliefs about the issue.

People often post "pro-choice" memes on facebook that make me angry, and upset me, and I'd like to be able to express my opinion. They feel free to, so why shouldn't I? But I never do. So it's become a pretty one-sided debate really, and I'd like to be able to express the other side of the argument.

Your friend has been a very good friend in the past by putting her feelings to one side and supporting you. Does that mean she has no right to express her own beliefs for the rest of her life? Do you really want to throw that level of friendship away? Telling her you're hurt is more than reasonable though, and completely understand why you're hurt, so I'm not sure why she posted it - and not sure whether she was being unreasonable or not.

"Fb is a nightmare for this, everyone is just clicking away on anything that pops up in their feed with no regard for anyone else's feelings.
I absolutely hate fb it's made people lazy and bitchy."

This. Exactly this. Some people I know seem to think that they must opine on every subject under the sun because it is educating their friends on "the right way". No, it's not. They have just become self-obsessed, opinionated knob-ends who can't take anyone disagreeing with them. FB is full of sycophantic cliques slapping themselves on the back in a congratulatory manner: "Aren't we all so cool and great? We all have the same opinion and taste and the world needs educating about it." Every "like" feeds their self-importance and their misguided belief that what they have to say MUST be heard by the masses. Well, some opinions of a potentially inflammatory nature are better kept to yourself and it's about time people started picking them up on it.

It's not just topics like abortion. I nearly unfriended someone who constantly (and I mean constantly) posted pro-breastfeeding stuff just because they had been successful with it. Did they think that perhaps their never ending "formula milk is just not good enough" posts may have been welcome to those who had wanted to BF but failed? Of course not, because what they have to say is the law and no-one else's opinion is relevant to them.

Will have to stop because I'm starting to wind myself up now

I think things like pro life agenda pics have no place on fb for the reason in your OP, although she is entitled to her opinion.

CurlyHairedAssassin ...but surely promotion of breastfeeding is good because it improves babies' chances of all sorts of things, including staying alive.

I guess I won't ever understand how someone feels if they haven't been able to breastfeed, I guess promoting stuff that is good for babies would just seem to be something we can all get behind as adults?

I'm probably wrong, and sound thoughtless, please don't take offense :(

ReadyToPopAndFresh - " I bet you one unplanned pregnancy that you are secretly pro-choice."

I know plenty of people who have had unplanned pregnancies and abortion didn't cross their mind once. I think you'd lose quite a bit of money if you placed that bet.

Bearsprout: well, for a start I'd take issue with your implication that breast milk is better at keeping babies alive than formula milk. It may be the case in Third World Countries but to suggest that mothers in developed countries who formula feed are directly causing their babies to have a poorer chance at staying alive is, frankly, inflammatory. You may not have meant it that way, but over the ether that's how it comes across.

And it's exactly this type of thing that I'm talking about when I say that there really are some things that shouldn't be harped on about in daily Facebook status updates. People can easily show their support for potentially contentious issues but on their profile with organisations they are following, instead of the daily pushing of this stuff as a status update to everyone on their list.

The OP's friend, for example, could easily "follow" a pro-life organisation to demonstrate her way of thinking without posting silly memes and risking upsetting someone, surely.

think unplanned is the wrong word there. Unwanted is a better one.

Curlyhair - but every view could upset someone somewhere. Someone's pro-choice views could upset someone else, someone's pro-FF/ anti -BF views could upset someone else, someone's views about certain people/places/TV shows/sports could upset someone else.

I quite like the saying "Just because you are offended doesn't mean you are right"

she sounds incredibly crass and childish.

hopefully noone in her friends feed has had an abirtiin after a rape or had to terminate a disabled foetus.

silly stupid status and quite a vile and inflammatory picture as well as factually incorrect.

murders commit a crime. abortion is not a crime in this country, thank God.

I would de friend her for that.

Ps. I know I keep harping on about Facebook but I really think it's harming the social skills of anyone below, say, 40. People over that age have grown up with face to face communication (or at least person to person direct conversation by phone) being the main form of human interaction. With those methods you get immediate direct feedback about how someone is reacting to what you've said. And you tailor the rest of what you say according to that, and the other person does the same.

For example, you may be in a social group in the pub where the topic of abortion comes up, perhaps as a potential change to the law. People can immediately see if someone becomes uncomfortable at the topic, if they go quiet, leave the table or ask for the subject to be changed. And if your friends are real friends, then OF COURSE they would get the message and shut up.

If, with most of your friends/ acquaintances, the main method of your communication with them is over Facebook, there is no opportunity for that feedback that someone is immediately uncomfortable. People post very personal and strong opinions out of nowhere with no gentle and natural build up to the topic as there would be in a normal conversation. It is THIS that does the damage. And in my opinion, the Facebook generation has no awareness of it at all.

She doesn't sound like much of a friend.

If someone posts on FB something that causes hurt and offence to a friend, surely the appropriate response is something along the lines of sorry, I didn't mean to upset you and I'll take it down, not (paraphrasing) 'TS and I'll say what I like'

And by the by, how the MrsRanj feels about her abortion now is not the issue. Being upset by unkind behaviour on the part of someone you considered a close friend is hardly an unusual reaction which requires counselling, is it?

Excuse random extra pronoun there.

flippinada, I think the counselling was suggested because MrsRD said she "struggled with the decision for a long time, in fact it's something I still struggle with today and still think about."

I'm not sure I like the idea that we should all stop expressing our opinions at the risk of offending someone else.

OP didn't ask if she should get counselling about issues relating to her abortion, she asked if she was BU at being upset by her friends behaviour.

Right...because counselling should only ever be suggested on threads when the OP specifically asks about it.

She entitled to post it even it's her view. You're taking it personally, I doubt people think how their posts will affect each 'friend' before posting.

I am pro choice regards abortion so I think her post was bollocks anyway, but I think I agree with that ^ the most.
When I post on fb I do not take into account all the events that have taken place in the last 10 years of my friends lives.

I think you are being overly sensitive.

I've no idea why the snippiness and passive aggressive emoticons, the OP has asked if she was BU to react as she did and I don't think she is.

If one of my close friends behaved in similar fashion over something that had deeply affected me, I would also be very hurt as I imagine many people would.

Why do you have a problem with someone suggesting counselling, flippinada?

People can have any opinion they want. I think putting something like that on yor FB page is insensitive and crass and I'd judge you on it.

I agree broncoo.

WRT counselling, I think it's the OP's personal decision and she hasn't asked for opinions on whether she should seek counselling for her abortion (for all we know she is already receiving counselling but doesn't want to talk about it, which is quite understandable) she's asking about her friends behaviour.

There is a lot that's insensitive on facebook, and I agree with the comment that it's impossible to think about every person's individual circumstances before everything you post. I have a friend whose husband died last year who found the Valentines Day "I'm so lucky to have my wonderful husband" posts upsetting. I've heard people say that they dislike constant photos of children / updates on what children are doing, if they are having difficulty conceiving or have miscarried. I'm guilty of the latter, although I don't know of anyone in my friends list in that position, there's bound to be really.

One of the many problems with facebook. YANBU to be upset, OP, but I'm not sure your friend WBU to post either.

ouch ouch ouch

i would text her and say 'i feel betrayed and wish i hadn't confided in you. i need to take a break from our friendship.'

My friends very rarely post anything I have a problem with - they are all very considerate and have brains and manners enough to know what is usually offensive. I never recognise the FB folk talk about on Mn.

And I think it's hard to compare folk posting pictures of their children (which might upset someone) to someone posting that abortion is murder. But you are entitled to your opinion, I just don't have to like or agree.

flippinada, Yes, of course it's her decision whether or not she should have it but I don't see a problem with someone suggesting it. It's quite common for people to suggest counselling if the OP says she is having problems dealing with situations from her past - whatever they may be.

I understand where you're coming from bumbleymummy, I think we will need to agree to disagree on this one as it's clearly a sensitive issue for OP and I don't wish to start a ruck.