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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt by 'best friends' Facebook post?

324 replies

MrsDrRanj · 19/02/2014 19:51

I know I know, it's just Facebook, please don't stone me!

I have been close with my best friends for over 10 years, we have both supported eachother through some very tough times. Including an abortion I had when I was 15. I didn't get much professional support and struggled with the decision for a long time, in fact it's something I still struggle with today and still think about.

Being my best friend she knows all this, she knows it is a sensitive subject and the torment I went through afterwards.

Last night she posted a picture on Facebook, that had a picture of a pregnant woman with an arrow pointing to her saying 'your body' and an arrow pointing to her pregnant belly saying 'somebody else's body' and the headline 'it's not your decision - abortion is murder'

I texted her saying 'ouch, that pic hurt' and she messaged saying 'I'm not trying to offend anyone but I agree with it'

I know everybody is entitled to their views, but aibu to think this was really insensitive and unnecessary? She is not just a random person who knows I have had an abortion, she is my best friend who knows how much it hurt me and supported me through it.

I almost feel betrayed and confused about our whole friendship.

OP posts:

WooWooOwl · 20/02/2014 11:39

Are you sure she knew you would be hurt by the picture? She might have just clicked 'share' without thinking.

It could be that seeing the angst you have gone through since your abortion is one of the reasons she disagrees with it.

I know it won't be a popular view, but tbh I think that people should be able to air their views freely and when it comes to something like abortion, you have no need to be offended if you know you made the right choice.

People should have enough confidence in the choices they make that other people's negative judgement makes very little difference to them.

Laura0806 · 20/02/2014 11:43

I would still be distancing myself from anyone who posted something like that on facebook. Whether its your view or not, its imflammatory and can cause distress and it has no place on a social networking site in my opinion.

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 20/02/2014 11:52

I think it's nice she supported you when she obviously was againt abortion.

But that aside, I would;t be friends with someone who was anti choice.

whossauhnafuffafwayay · 20/02/2014 11:55

WooWooOwl - remember there are people who don't necessarily have cast iron confidence in a difficult decision after having to "just make the call". That goes for a heck of a lot of hard decisions other than this one.

You're right though - if we all tip-toed through life not forming/expressing opinions on big ethical issues, I don't think it would be kinder to anyone in the long run.

brooncoo · 20/02/2014 11:58

I would possily unfriend her, hate this crap on FB. Could be she hit share without really thinking though - some folk seem to feel the need to share everything that comes through their newsfeed.

So she is either very insensitive to you, her friend or just a bit dim and doesn't really think things through. Would probably have to delete her either way.

Longtalljosie · 20/02/2014 12:00

Jesus. Why would you share a picture on Facebook knowing it would hurt a close friend? It's Facebook FFS, not your soul's record for future use on judgement day. I'm sorry your friend is a twat, I really am.

musicismylife · 20/02/2014 12:04

She didn't support you through it, OP. She 'supported' you.

Big difference.

tethersend · 20/02/2014 12:12

"I know it won't be a popular view, but tbh I think that people should be able to air their views freely and when it comes to something like abortion, you have no need to be offended if you know you made the right choice."

I agree that people should be able to air their views freely- in fact, I find it very helpful when deciding who to be friends with if they nail their colours to the mast and declare their support for the BNP, for example.

I have no 'need' to be offended by racism as I am white and privileged. But I find it very offensive.

In the same way, the OP knows she made the right decision, albeit one filled with anguish and pain- this in no way diminishes the impact of the image. She is not offended, she is heartbroken that a friend she thought of so highly holds such abhorrent views about an issue which she has experienced.

The post would end a friendship for me, in the same way as a post supporting racism would. They are views which would make me think less of a person.

Iwantittochange · 20/02/2014 12:13

She sounds horrible, I'd distance yourself from her.

She should be careful, you won't be the only person who's seen this and been offended by it. It will bite her in the arse one day, and she might not even realise why she didn't get a job, or she didn't make friends in the playground or why her DH can't seem to quite make the next promotion.

These things stick in people's mind, and now she's done it she will be remembered for it, not just her view, but the black and whiteness of it and the fact she happily stuck it on social media for all to see. Idiot.

I'm so sorry OP, you did nothing wrong and it is natural to feel upset by her stupid actions.

SauceForTheGander · 20/02/2014 12:16

YANBU

I would delete someone who posted that. For being inflammatory, and a bit stupid actually.

If a best friend did it I'd be very hurt too.

Don't feel guilty.

Topaz25 · 20/02/2014 13:03

YANBU. A friend of mine posted that image on Facebook recently and I thought it was very inflammatory, even though she's generally a lovely person. I can imagine it would be very upsetting for you since your best friend knew what you had been through. While she can technically post what she wants on her wall, she should consider the feelings of friends who will see it. If you otherwise get on, consider hiding her Facebook posts so they won't cause further tension. People say things on Facebook they wouldn't say to your face.

nulgirl · 20/02/2014 13:13

People who posts things like that on Facebook are passive aggressive and very dim. Of course in a free country they have the right to make statements like that but to announce to a whole load of people (there will no doubt be other friends of hers who have had abortions) that you consider them to be murderers is mean and completely uncalled for.

I would definitely unfriend anyone who posted that. Ive got friends who are anti-abortion but they are sensible enough to realise others have different views/ circumstances and wouldn't make such an inane pointless public announcement.

bumbleymummy · 20/02/2014 15:08

YABU. She is entitled to her opinion and she is entitled to express it.

She supported you when you needed support, despite her beliefs.

whossauhnafuffafwayay · 20/02/2014 15:18

MrsWelly yeah I'm the same. I view it as what it is, but it's not a choice I face to do that thing, and I couldn't truly judge someone else until it was (heaven forbid).

@the OP: You might drop your friend a message, perhaps give her a chance to think about it, ask where you fit in in terms of her stance, and if she considers you to have killed someone does this mean she thinks you are an evil murderer?

She obviously supported you for a reason - if she just thinks you were mistaken or vulnerable (you might not like it but) that's one thing and at least loving/caring, or she may have changed her stance for her own reasons and there's not necessarily anything wrong with that, whereas if she considers you a malevolent murderer you are best knowing that and re-considering your friendship.

TheReluctantCountess · 20/02/2014 15:21

I agree with bumbleymummy.

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 20/02/2014 15:35

static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/746e524dacf54bbdd4a571b537a3c6c590.png

post this on your fb wall OP, and then delete her.

Gladvent · 20/02/2014 15:38

I've seen that on facebook and thought it is bloody insensitive and offensive. Is she the sort of person who posts all sort of crap?

Littletabbyocelot · 20/02/2014 15:47

I probably would unfriend anyone who posted that on Facebook - because I think it's simplistic & likely to hurt a lot of people - but the text message would bother me a lot more.

From what you say about how much you've shared with her, she must know exactly how much that post hurt you - maybe not when she posted it, but when you texted her. However justified she feels her views to be, her text is completely dismissive of your feelings. I couldn't hurt someone I cared about that much & not be bothered. To me, that's not the action of a friend.

HavantGuard · 20/02/2014 15:47

She sounds like a fuckwit. Not because of her views but because of how she has chosen to express them.

Oblomov · 20/02/2014 15:51

Actually I disagree. Whilst that particular picture is not nice, she is allowed to post her views.
I am more concerned that you had an abortion 10 years ago and haven't got over it. You said you didn't get professional support. Maybe you need done counselling now , so that next time you see such pictures/arguments/debate, they don't upset you so much.
I was comfortable with my decision, so any pro'-life, pro-choice debates are all find with me.

Mollydoggerson · 20/02/2014 15:54

I personally would be considering whether I want to be 'best friends' with someone who has such extreme views, perhaps you guys are growing into different people.

You cannot change her, you can only change your reaction to her.

It's your body and your choice.

I havn't seen the photo, but it would have alot less impact if the model was say 8 weeks pregnant (unnoticeable) than an obviously late stage pregnant model.

Very few people agree with late stage pregnancy.

The mysogyny of the concept would be more obvious in a model with an 8 week pregnant figure.

Thetallesttower · 20/02/2014 15:56

This is what is awful about Facebook!

I have my own views on abortion that have made it very difficult to stand alongside friends when making decisions about abortion, however, being a supportive friend, I always listen and don't judge, out loud. I drew the line at attending with a friend however, I can't do that.

It is possible to believe your friend to have done the wrong thing (had an abortion under circumstances you didn't agree with, married an awful man, taken a job in a company you disagree with) and still be a very good friend and like and love the person. I think it is anyway. I hope that's the place your friend is coming from.

Mollydoggerson · 20/02/2014 15:56

Sorry! that should say:

Very few people agree with late stage abortion.

The mysogyny of the concept in the photo would be more obvious in a model with an 8 week pregnant figure.

RedFocus · 20/02/2014 16:24

What I find so insensitive about this is that the op's best friend knew how badly the op feels about her abortion and how she struggles with it everyday and yet still chose to put the boot in unnecessarily and for no apparent reason.
Fb is a nightmare for this, everyone is just clicking away on anything that pops up in their feed with no regard for anyone else's feelings.

I absolutely hate fb it's made people lazy and bitchy.

LoisWilkerson1 · 20/02/2014 16:31

Even if you don't agree with abortion, to make someone feel like a murderer using such a sensationalist pic is a bit strong and very insensitive in this case as the op's friend clearly knew her history. Bloody FB, wish people thought before they posted.

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