Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt by 'best friends' Facebook post?

324 replies

MrsDrRanj · 19/02/2014 19:51

I know I know, it's just Facebook, please don't stone me!

I have been close with my best friends for over 10 years, we have both supported eachother through some very tough times. Including an abortion I had when I was 15. I didn't get much professional support and struggled with the decision for a long time, in fact it's something I still struggle with today and still think about.

Being my best friend she knows all this, she knows it is a sensitive subject and the torment I went through afterwards.

Last night she posted a picture on Facebook, that had a picture of a pregnant woman with an arrow pointing to her saying 'your body' and an arrow pointing to her pregnant belly saying 'somebody else's body' and the headline 'it's not your decision - abortion is murder'

I texted her saying 'ouch, that pic hurt' and she messaged saying 'I'm not trying to offend anyone but I agree with it'

I know everybody is entitled to their views, but aibu to think this was really insensitive and unnecessary? She is not just a random person who knows I have had an abortion, she is my best friend who knows how much it hurt me and supported me through it.

I almost feel betrayed and confused about our whole friendship.

OP posts:
mamalovesmojitos · 19/02/2014 21:46

YADNBU My goodness, how horrible to post that knowing how it would make you feel. I would be reconsidering the friendship pronto. I have friends who a pro-life, friends who are pro-choice, and many friends whose stance I am blissfully unaware of. But none would stick the knife in like that. Nasty.

And op - please do not worry about your termination. You did nothing wrong. X.

TheArticFunky · 19/02/2014 21:48

I wouldn't post a picture like that even if my views had changed. You are her friend and she should consider your feelings.

Dustypeas · 19/02/2014 21:57

YANBU This is hurtful in the extreme. She knows you would see this post. This would be the end of a friendship for me. If she has these beliefs about abortion I'm surprised they haven't come up before now.
I have been surprised by some Facebook postings before but usually by acquaintances not friends and I usually unfriend them pdq.

junkfoodaddict · 19/02/2014 21:57

YANBU for feeling hurt and betrayed but that doesn't mean to say that she posted the picture delibrately to upset you - it sounds more like she posted something and simply forgot who would see the picture especially those who have circumstances close to the subject. Sometimes people do things without thinking about the consequences and as your abortion was 10 years ago, probably easy to forget for someone who hasn't directly experienced it.

I do think she is still your friend - afterall, she may be against abortion BUT she supported you through yours when you were a teen.

I have 2 friends. One fell pregnant when the other was 5 months pregnant herself. The 5 month pregnant friend supported the newly pregnant friend through an abortion even though she herself was strictly against it. It hasn't harmed their friendship. Both women knew where each other stood but they didn't allow their personal beliefs to get in the way of friendship.

KayleeFrye · 19/02/2014 22:07

YANBU I would have no interest in having any posts from someone who thought posting something like that was ok in my facebook feed so would defriend. Maybe she was your friend 10 years ago but I'm not sure she is now.

cansu · 19/02/2014 22:10

she was v insensitive. She can have her opinions without posting a provocative pic on facebook FFS. The only time this could be acceptable if she was involved in a debate where she was asked her views. She doesnt have to keep them hidden but putting this out in a kind of blatant way is just weird for a close friend.

JohnnyBarthes · 19/02/2014 22:17

She's a twat. I couldn't be friends with someone who posted such bile.

EirikurNoromaour · 19/02/2014 22:17

Yanbu
She's entitled to her opinions but sharing that picture on Facebook was a dickhead thing to do (in general, but especially insensitive towards you)
I only saw this shared once and it's a family member I can't delete. Dick.

NeonMuffin · 19/02/2014 22:26

Anyone who posted that would be promptly unfriended by me. I'm pro choice and think posting something so inflammatory is horribly insensitive, you don't know the history of every single person who your friends with on FB, chances are there is someone who has had an abortion in the past in god knows what circumstances. Possibly even because of rape.

I think your friend is just an insensitive twat.

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName · 19/02/2014 22:29

Is this really the first time you've realised these are her thoughts?

RubyrooUK · 19/02/2014 22:48

I am not surprised you are hurt. Of course people have their own views but:

  1. It's a very aggressive statement, designed to inflame.
  1. She may not have thought about posting it, but when you questioned it she didn't say "oh god sorry if I offended you. I'm an idiot, will take it down" but dismissed your feelings.

I've struggled to conceive, while one of my best friends conceives too easily. I would never, never dream of making her feel shit about her life choices which have involved abortion, even though I have often felt desperate to conceive and felt very sad about that. I accept that our situations are simply different and you do the best thing you can at the time.

Friends always think the best of their friends, in my opinion. If she thinks abortion isn't right for her, well fine, she hasn't been in your situation.

So yes, I would be hurt too.

deakymom · 20/02/2014 00:02

i think its wrong for me but other people should have the right to choose ii supported my friend when i found out about her abortion she was too scared to tell me because she thought i was against it im not i just don't feel i could go through with it yanbu people should not push there opinions on you unfollow her posts

dontcallmehon22 · 20/02/2014 00:06

I had a termination at 22. Struggled with guilt at the time. Don't now. At all. Please don't feel guilt. I think it was insensitive, yes. But she wouldn't be your friend if she judged you that harshly. Love to you and no one would ever really blame you for such a tough and brave choice xxx

MarjorieChardem · 20/02/2014 00:08

God what a bitch! She's no friend OP, I couldn't have such ignorant and narrow minded people on my FB and would delete anyone posting shit like that.

PansOnFire · 20/02/2014 00:21

Of course your friend has a right to her opinion, but why do people think that their sense of social decency and ability to be a good friend is not affected by their choices to put up those pathetic images with judgy captions? Those images irritate me beyond belief, I don't care that 'everyone has a right to their opinion' and that theses things shouldn't be taken 'personally' - how else are they meant to be taken when it's presented in such a way?

I doubt that people would even comment on such issues on facebook should a meme not have appeared on their newsfeed. I'm sure that this 'friend' didn't wake up that morning and think 'oh, I know, I think I'll spend the day giving judgemental speeches about my pro-life beliefs to all of my friends and family' and then say something to the effect of the meme to all of them. Yes, it's social networking but your opinions and the way you choose to express them are still a reflection of you as a person and we should all be accountable for what we say and do, wether that's online or in person. I'm sick of this lack of ownership of what people publish online - it's still them expressing it in the way that it reads! Fair enough if people feel that way about whatever issue, but what makes them so high and mighty to express their opinions in ways which are offensive, especially when they wouldn't dare say it in that way in person?

My rule of thumb: if my status was a text message would I send it to every person on my friend list? If not them don't post unless I want to deal with the consequences. I think everyone should do something similar, I'd hate to offend my friend about something so emotive and personal.

Littledidsheknow · 20/02/2014 00:32

YANBU - she may well be pro-life, even as she was supporting you through your experience, but there's no need to plaster one's views in such a blatant way. Knowing that her best friend had had an abortion makes it all the more distasteful. I hope she sees the error she's made and can continue being the good friend she otherwise was.

Pregnantberry · 20/02/2014 01:09

I wouldn't have a problem if she had confided in you how she felt, even though that would have hurt.

But that kind of Facebook post doesn't really have a purpose apart from to stir up hate against women who have had abortions or to try and make the women who've had them feel ashamed. For the same reason I wouldn't find it so bad if it was a thoughtful argument against abortion, but that is just a crass and upsetting picture.

There's quite a boundary between the two, I would most likely distance myself from her a bit if I were you.

Abbierhodes · 20/02/2014 01:13

I'm against abortion on the whole. But I wouldn't put up that picture.

I have friends who've had abortions- I don't consider them murderers, I consider them to be people who have had some tough decisions to make. Your friend has been very cruel.

fairyfuckwings · 20/02/2014 01:17

Yanbu. I find your friend's views nasty and "anti women". And that's just as an outsider. Obviously as her friend and with the shared history you're going to feel even worse! De friend her on Facebook and in real life. She's clearly a twat!

gilliangoof · 20/02/2014 01:23

She does not sound very nice. Posts like that are designed to hurt people. She obviously would not have an abortion herself. That is fair enough. But there is no need to give your opinion on such a topic on facebook. It sounds as though she was just deliberately trying to hurt people who have had an abortion. She knows you had one. There is no need to put things like that on Facebook. It is not a political forum. I wouldn't be too concerned about the opinion of someone like her.

NoSquirrels · 20/02/2014 01:35

Bleurgh. Unfriend.

Honestly, I am pretty sure I would find that offensive without any personal history. As it is, I have the personal history and have had an abortion, and have been lucky enough to be supported through it by people who didn't even agree with me.

Not sharing someone's views is VERY different, and separate, to being a good friend. I am 100% sure that if I asked outright my confidante would tell me they would have made a different call in my circumstances. However, we are mutually supportive and I have nothing but love from her corner. I would be devastated if something like that appeared on a FB feed and I got that response to a direct message talking about it. Poor you.

Your "friend" has been spectacularly insensitive.

VeryStressedMum · 20/02/2014 01:44

I wouldn't dream of putting this picture on fb even if it was my view (which it's not) I have no idea who it may offend and a lot of my 'friends' are people I hardly know. I definitely would not put it up if I knew what my best friend had been through. Her reply to your text wasn't much better either.

FastWindow · 20/02/2014 01:47

I'm going to wade in here, not against you OP, Yanbu.

But there are a few posts from people saying they are against abortion but who have clearly never been in the awful position of having to even consider it.

Could you not just for a second think that those people who have had abortions, did so for very valid reasons? Reasons that you have no knowledge of, and therefore, have no business post-judging?

Walk a mile in someone's shoes. that way you're a mile away and you have their shoes

Honestly. Religion or not. Rather irrelevant in today's enlightened emancipated society.

NoSquirrels · 20/02/2014 01:57

Ha! Laughing now. . .

FastWindow · 20/02/2014 02:06

Thank goodness squirrels it was designed to deflect from a flaming... I'm not normally so outspoken on here. But on this subject, I get my hair off with people who say they wouldn't do so and so, but who have never actually found themselves in that moral position. Ffs.

Swipe left for the next trending thread