To be upset dp doesn't want to marry me

[bellabella10]

As background we've been together for 5 years and have an 18 month old together. When we first moved in together about a year into the relationship we would talk, possibly jokingly, about getting married and having kids at some point in the future. Our baby was a surprise although we love him so much.

Whenever i have brought up the subject in the past two years (not often) he just changes the topic. Last week i approached it head on (I want to change my name anyway so we all have the same surname old school) he said he doesn't want to get married and doesn't know why. I will change my name by deed poll i suppose but it still upsets me.

I didn't even want a big do (although i get a tiny bit jealous when i see my friends getting married) and would be happy going to the registry office with only a few close friends and family.I have a feeling is because he had family abroad but they do come over and we could have a small ceremony in both countries.

I'm in a similar position OP - been together 6 years, DP has no interest at all in getting married. He knows it's important to me but just doesn't want to. He suggested I change my name (I stupidly allowed DS to have his surname - something I really regret) DP says that I need to 'leave it with him' as he may change his mind.

I know that these things are not important to lots of people but they are to me and really bother me:

• I have a different name to DS. I hate this but don't want to change mine by deedpoll - I don't want to look like we're brother and sister having Miss and Mr xxx
• he calls me his 'girlfriend' and bought me a Valentine with girlfriend on it. I'm nearly 36 - I don't want to be someone's girlfriend
• we live together and own our home jointly but when friends send us Xmas cards / invites they have to write 'Bob and xxx' instead of Mr and Mrs... I hate this, it makes me feel like a child not having my post addressed properly

I totally see where you're coming from OP :(

I'm 50. I'm of the generation of feminists where it was a bit scandalous to get married and I'm an old-fashioned gal in that sense

I, let's say, compelled DP to marry me. He didn't want a wedding or to be a husband (although he was happy to commit to me) but tough luck. He had a child with me, our finances were complicated and I was bringing up a child who was his relative (not his son). To me, I was already a wife and not signing on the dotted line was massively unfair.

Eveesmummy I don't think pre-nups are valid in this country, particularly ones the wife is not even aware of. When you form a partnership you share in good faith, marriage ensure that if you split the division is made on that same basis, not circumstance.

Bob your partner isn't leading you on,he's transparent.have incompatible views on marriage
Just as you wish to marry he equally doesn't want to marry you. Can't compel him
You are his girlfriend?do you expect him to lie and buy darling wife card?

Raffles
Plenty of people nowadays have a succession of marriages, kids with multiple partners. I don't think marriage signifies that much at all. DP and I both have parents who were happily married all their lives. It hasn't influenced how we feel.

We were friends secretly in love with each other for a couple of years before we got together, when we got together it was always going to be forever. We planned DS, and thought of maybe marrying later. But you know, once DS arrived, he was such a massive commitment for both of us, being married just seemed completely irrelevant.

I'm 50. I'm of the generation of feminists where it was a bit scandalous to get married and I'm an old-fashioned gal in that sense

Well I am really not sure that mindset has done any favours for the new generations actually.

a wedding is 15 mins in a registry office.

what is he objecting to?

I never wanted to be married and I most certainly wouldn't want his name
I have a name,I don't need his name.our children have both parental names
I correct post or assumption that I'm a mrs,I'm not a mrs

^^ yes, what's his problem?

Why should he marry to appease the op.irrespective of long it takes,he doesn't want to marry her

Yes Motherinferior, I am a 49 year old feminist. Maybe it's our generation's rebellion. And I love that DH has old fashioned mating for life values, but without the need to put some official government stamp on them.

Bob your partner isn't leading you on,he's transparent.have incompatible views on marriage
Just as you wish to marry he equally doesn't want to marry you. Can't compel him
You are his girlfriend?do you expect him to lie and buy darling wife card?
I didn't say I wanted to compel him Scottish doesn't mean I can't be upset over it though. No - I don't want him to buy me a 'darling wife' card. I'm not his wife. I don't like the term 'girlfriend' I am not a girl.

Please don't twist my words

Equally what's her problem with him not wanting to marry?
If op was so set upon marriage she shouldn't have cohabitated
She should have dated a man who would marry her.

And this 'a wedding is only 15 minutes' - well, actually, I'd probably have a whale of a time having a wedding. I love a party, and a new frock, and being the centre of attention.

I just don't want to be a wife. And the last time I looked, there was quite a groundswell of feeling against forced marriage in this country.

See, I bloody called him DH there, I've been trying not to do that, because most of the time, we genuinely forget we are not married.

Eveesmummy

There are reasons why a man may have a moral responsibility to provide for a woman after divorce. Like if I were to get divorced, we decided for many reasons that I would be a sahm to provide the extra care necessary for my disabled son.
At that point I was earning more than him in the city.
10 years out meant I could never return to that career whilst his career path has continued unencumbered.
If we divorced all that sacrific would fall disproportionately upon my and my retirement (theoretically)
How would that be fair.

raffles I'd have prefered a civil partnership if the option were there over a "marriage". I wanted the bit of paper, but not necessarily the historical baggage of marriage.

eeves I also don't think preuptial agreements are legal in the UK. And even if they were bought in you would need both parties to agree to them. So you know what you are signing up for. A husband can also go ahead and write you out of his will but a wife can contest it.

Bob you are a girlfriend or partner,they're normative terms for unmarried women
You may not be a girlfriend,that is preference.you're his partner if that's easier term
I've not twisted your words as you put it,you seem not to like term girlfriend,so how do you refer/introduce yourself...hi I'm bobs partner?

timetoask
What do you mean by that?

Introduce myself? I'd just say 'I'm Bob'

No - I don't like the term 'girlfriend' because I'm a grown woman, not a girl.

Raffles lots of people marry who don't love at all never mind enough! Or there would be no divorces.

The shrew and ready to pop, I'm not sure why you both think I think pre nups would be without the consent of one person? Obviously both parties would have to consent. I didn't know they're not used here tho... Seems silly. Can't a contract say what you want it to?

Also, I said in my PP that women who work don't need financial support. Obv if youSAH and do this for DH then there are different rules as it's a completely different situation.

Pagwatch, I think your situation is quite specific, and agree with you totally.

Bob your post is addressed properly,you're unmarried,hence no mr and mrs greeting
It cannot be infantilising to have your post correctly addressed.your not mr and mrs.end of
You don't like girlfriend,so tell him.seeing he buys you girlfriend card and introduce you others as his girlfriend