To be upset dp doesn't want to marry me

[bellabella10]

As background we've been together for 5 years and have an 18 month old together. When we first moved in together about a year into the relationship we would talk, possibly jokingly, about getting married and having kids at some point in the future. Our baby was a surprise although we love him so much.

Whenever i have brought up the subject in the past two years (not often) he just changes the topic. Last week i approached it head on (I want to change my name anyway so we all have the same surname old school) he said he doesn't want to get married and doesn't know why. I will change my name by deed poll i suppose but it still upsets me.

I didn't even want a big do (although i get a tiny bit jealous when i see my friends getting married) and would be happy going to the registry office with only a few close friends and family.I have a feeling is because he had family abroad but they do come over and we could have a small ceremony in both countries.

Mr Inferior's latest ploy in trying to entice me up the aisle was, I'll admit, that "this way you get my pension even if we split up".

I'm not sure he does have responsibilities to me. I haven't spent years facilitating his career or anything. Far too busy with my own.

You can often nominate your partner for death in service benefits. I did when I was employed. Similarly you can nominate unmarried partners to be pension beneficiaries.

Yes, I'm his beneficiary.

I have another friend (and its not such a problem for her as she has £) but her dh has left her with a 7 yr old and gone abroad. No idea where he is and she is left to get on with it all.

yes nominating beneficiaries other than spouses has been on the increase for years.

I have friends who have been in this position and (usually) I really want to say: 'Look, he'd have married Cameron Diaz by now'. Or similar. Most of the people I know who've been in similar situations felt they'd invested to much to leave though.

When you are crazy in love you want to do what is important to the other one. If it wasn't important to you, fine. But it is - so what's stopping him?

Your set up sounds good Moomin, and I would never push anyone into marrying, far from it!

BUT…do be aware that if your DP dies (or you), the other person would have to pay hefty tax over the inheritance. Also, the joint home would go intestate, and again, you'd pay tax over his half.

It seems unfair, I know that in the Netherlands, where lots of younger people choose to not marry, couples are savvy enough to set up a co-habition contract, which gives their relationship status similar to marriage (it is also what gay friends of mine in the UK have done). Making no formal arrangement seems careless. But again, if that is your choice, that is your choice.

Also, to everyone saying their husbands are healthy/young, or OP (or was it silvery moon?) saying "he won't die"….No, you are probably right and there is no reason to panic. It CAN happen though, a friend of mine's husband unexpectedly died in a car crash last year. Another friend's husband died of a brain aneurism, completely out of the blue. It is not LIKELY, but it is not impossible. Sadly. This is all so sad and I guess easier to not consider.

Mariage is not some magic wand,and I think it is a bit old fashioned in a way. But it is the easiest way to formalise a relationship for the law.

You do need to find out what his reasons really are. If he is really committed and you are confident of that then marrying you if its what you really want shouldn't bother him. My dp wanted to get married but is just as happy not to iygwim. If he was really gutted or heartbroken over it I would do it reluctantly

Silvery, apologies if this has been answered already, but I have just read your post of 11:23 regarding copies of certificates. You/he can order them online here. I needed to order a copy of a birth certificate recently and it cost me £23.50 for the urgent service. It arrived within a couple of days. if you can wait a bit longer, I believe it is around £10. You don't need to go to an office, you don't need a printer! You only need to be able to access the internet, which clearly isn't a problem for you, and either a credit or debit card to pay.

If he can't get his backside in gear to sort this out, given that it is actually so much easier than he has told you, maybe you need to be looking at your options.
Sorry.

SilveryMoon and all you other lovely people, please never go around believing "my DP isnt likely to die any time soon" just don't! Life just isn't like that, it's a bitch.

Being young has no such guarantee...and I am not a doom and gloom merchant, but it did happen to me, after 3 years of marriage, when I believed just that.

Just saying ...

Lots of wise words on here, and silvery people are caring not trying to get at you. All this finance stuff makes my teeth itch arghhh!

Fiscal, as I understood it our properties are under the sort of joint ownership where if one person dies the other inherits automatically. I am not actually sure if that set up applies if you do not have a mortgage though. Thank you for pointing it out, I will check that out.
The inheritance tax thing is becoming a bit of an issue as our business makes more money. I understand that there are trusts and things you can do but I admit we haven't really looked into it, (didn't plan on having enough money for it to be an issue).
If we have to get married for tax reasons I suppose we will. I actually feel a bit stressy even thinking about it, and that is nothing to do with how I feel about DP.

Most personal estates do not reach the inheritance tax threshold and remain in the nil rate band. So the 'big tax bill inheritance' thing will not apply in most cases. I do not have personal assets that break £325k in value.

Can anyone find a thread (I have tried but failed) that was started I think in 2012 (might have been later in 2011)... which started along the lines of "whatever you do, don't give up your financial independence...) and then there was LOTS of posts talking about exactly what people have talked about here... more about giving up work rather than not getting married, where women had stayed at home and then it hadn't worked out and now they were financially ruined, with no career to fall back on as they had been the ones to look after the DC and took 5-10 year career breaks etc....

I have been trying to find it for days but to no avail... does anyone know the one I am talking about?

Hope you sort it out Bella.

Ida unless you are in a homeowner in/around London, in which case a lot of people will be over the threshold.

It took my brother ages to get divorced too, they were very young, no children or assets and was very straight forward.

Turns out he didn't want 'divorced' as his martial status for pride reasons and it took him a while to come to terms with it.

Why the face?if couple chose numerous documents to tie up their finances,wills etc
Is it really so incomprehensible to grasp that some people dont want to get married
I think when getting serious people need to have big talk,marriage,schools etc. If at that point a partner is vague or maybe and the other firmly wants marriage there is fundamental Incompatability. And if no kids,not to serious,either split and meet someone who will marry or remain together accepting won't get married

The same as you, RafflesWay. A will, and my name on the home I own jointly; we should sort out parental responsibility, yes, for DD1 but logistically I do not think that would be an issue.

But Raffles, my personal view is that my many bits of paper, giving me joint shares in everything, give me far more protection than someone who is married to a man who has his own name on all the assets.

If marriage works for you, that's great. But please don't assume not wanting to be married has anything to do with how much you love someone.

Thankfully he feels exactly the same

So he wanted to take your name too?

boobz this?
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1623519-Dont-give-up-work-to-be-a-SAHM-unless

Women who work don't really need financial protection do they? I see no reason why a man has to look after a wife once divorced. Children yes. Wife no.

Marriage can't automatically mean security? For one people posting about DP having assets... This is what pre nuptials are for. A man can have a secret will writing DW out as easy as DP could surely?