To be upset dp doesn't want to marry me

[bellabella10]

As background we've been together for 5 years and have an 18 month old together. When we first moved in together about a year into the relationship we would talk, possibly jokingly, about getting married and having kids at some point in the future. Our baby was a surprise although we love him so much.

Whenever i have brought up the subject in the past two years (not often) he just changes the topic. Last week i approached it head on (I want to change my name anyway so we all have the same surname old school) he said he doesn't want to get married and doesn't know why. I will change my name by deed poll i suppose but it still upsets me.

I didn't even want a big do (although i get a tiny bit jealous when i see my friends getting married) and would be happy going to the registry office with only a few close friends and family.I have a feeling is because he had family abroad but they do come over and we could have a small ceremony in both countries.

Has he been married before op?
A friend of mine was desperate to marry and eventually found out the partners reluctance was due to the fact he had been married twice before.

He's never been married no and he'd been single 2 years before I met him. I don't think he'd give permission to change ds' surname so that would be outtoo. Obviously I want to draw up a will bit I don't think that covers everything. I'm not that clued up so I'm not sure. I'm going to re- read the relies later and think what my priorities are. Thank you for everyone who's replied.

Goodluck Bella.

Bella you've had some excellent replies and everyone wishes you the absolute best.

Just remember it's important to value yourself as an individual and follow your own career and independence as by not marrying you your partner has chosen to put himself in front of his family. There is no point whatsoever in trying to nag him down the aisle, so cherish your name and you individuality, stride out into the world with your son as your priority and if at some point your partner decides he wants to grow some balls and ask you to be his wife you may at that point feel in a position to say no thank you.

It can be very interesting how relationship dynamics change over time and circumstance and done men suddenly pop the question when they realise the partner is starting to retreat from the relationship.

Oh come on, I have cohabited with my partner for 25 years. We have 4 kids, two properties, a successful business and well into six figures in savings, all held jointly. I have had plenty of years when I've been a SAHM.

I have never had a single sleepless night worrying about us splitting up and him sharking me financially. There are plenty of divorced women who end up with ruined careers and no child support, plenty of divorced men who hide their assets.

Marriage is really not some massive protection. Build your life with a decent guy rather than worry about whether you have a piece of paper.

It's very noble of you (or your partner) to voluntarily pay all that inheritance tax, Moomin. A grateful nation (should) salute you.

Well done moomin. I think the key word in your post is " jointly "

It's easy to be smug about how smart you were to chose a decent guy. But few women set up home with a guy they know to be worthless. Sometimes decent men cheat /leave /die as well

YANBU OP - in a relationship, you should try to make each other happy. He hasn't even bothered to give you a reason for not wanting to get married. I think changing your surname to his is a bit passively obedient on your part. Personally I would be fuming if the man in my life treated me like this after all this time. Is there an unbalance in your relationship where he gets to call the shots most of the time?

I apologise if I came across as smug. Lots of people leap into things though. Lots of people settle and then get itchy feet.

I don't think people should be haranguing the OP to get married. I think she should be asking herself does she feel sur that they are both in it for the long term. And if they are, then surely that is good enough.

It wouldn't be enough for me.

I wanted the legal protection of marriage.

Not the complete lack of protection that presuming my relationship would never break up would give me.

I don't presume my relationship won't break up. I own the house jointly, have a will and earn. And would continue to do so if I agreed to marry my partner.

moomin - I'm pretty sure every couple feel sure they are in it for the long term. My sister certainly did and look where that assumption got her after 10 years together...

Thankfully both me and DH were in agreement that we should get married before having children, I don't know what would have happened if he'd not wanted to. I'm like join I feel very secure just knowing I'm legally protected should me and DH ever break up.

I wonder why the OPs partner isn't worried about not being married. It is all women who seem to feel this way and want this 'protection'. This is about the role that women assume in a relationship and how men's careers are still seen as more important.

Very true Noddy - the women are the ones whose career is generally sacrificed to some degree as a result of having a child and when relationships break up it is typically the mother who is left to be the full time carer and adapt her life and finances as needed whilst the father's life carries on as normal. That's why women need protection!!

Given the percentage of marriages that end in divorce, no sane woman would assume marriage was for the long term either!

Exactly motherinferior - I would love to think me and DH will be together forever but I'm not that naive. But, at least I know that if the worst does happen I'm not going to be left in the sh*t

Genuinely though, if you own everything jointly, what extra protection do you get from being married? There are plenty of threads on this board about divorced fathers never paying their share, whatever they are supposed to do legally.

And personally, I wouldn't swap my time being at home when my kids were small, against the gamble that my DP turned out to be a wrong un, when everything he had ever done proved to me that he was not.

Women need to be financially independent and make this clear before they get married or have kids that they expect that to continue not this woman gives up everything takes on a secondary role within the relationship.

Bella, please PLEASE both of you make Wills, specifying what happens to your children, finances etc. etc. It's the least your partner can do, given that he's loathe to give you the automatic protection that marriage would give.

The extra protection is probably maintenance and pension related. I personally would have been no better or worse off if we had split when ds was small. Dp the same. I would have just assumed equal childcare and I knw my dp would never have short changed ds in the same way I wouldn't. My closest friend has been through this and is so much worse off than she was before because she took her eye off her own finances.

Given the percentage of marriages that end in divorce, no sane woman would assume marriage was for the long term either!

I don't have to assume it's for the long term.

Even if it's not, he can't just walk away without a backwards glance.

He has responsibilities to ME as well as to our children.

And that is how I wanted it to be before I damaged my career by going through multiple pregnancies and maternity leaves.

I agree he has responsibilites to his dc but not to you. You need to be responsible for yourself.

Oh, actually if I'd taken time out of the labour market to do childcare I probably would have thought more seriously about marriage.

Do non-married partners get the Death whilst in Service payment should the worst occur? Or would it go to the deceased's other family members?

Plenty of divorced men walk away without a backwards glance. The CSA are notoriously pathetic.