To be upset dp doesn't want to marry me

[bellabella10]

As background we've been together for 5 years and have an 18 month old together. When we first moved in together about a year into the relationship we would talk, possibly jokingly, about getting married and having kids at some point in the future. Our baby was a surprise although we love him so much.

Whenever i have brought up the subject in the past two years (not often) he just changes the topic. Last week i approached it head on (I want to change my name anyway so we all have the same surname old school) he said he doesn't want to get married and doesn't know why. I will change my name by deed poll i suppose but it still upsets me.

I didn't even want a big do (although i get a tiny bit jealous when i see my friends getting married) and would be happy going to the registry office with only a few close friends and family.I have a feeling is because he had family abroad but they do come over and we could have a small ceremony in both countries.

Moonmin, I understand what you're saying and probably haven't explained myself very well.

As you say, If people don't want to make the kind of commitments that you vow to make when you get married, and you don't want to be legally tied to someone obviously don't get married.

It's when people say "I love my OH and plan to be with them forever and have put all the legal paperwork etc in place to protect both them and I" that I think "why don't you just get married?"

Maybe I just always choose the simplest option!

Not everyone wants to get married. You need to find out why he's against it and then decide what you do after that. moomin has been with her partner for some time, they have children and a good life by all accounts. It might be that your DP just doesn't want the ceremony but still wants you.

One thing I might add is don't be fooled into thinking you have the same rights as a married couple though. So you do need to plan what you would do should the worst happen to either of you.

I don't want to be bound.

And I keep saying it's not the wedding that puts me off!

I don't give a stuff is anyone else is married or co habiting. I care about the economic security of women and children and the assymetrical risk taken by women .

I care about the large number of women who go part time or even become SAHP , seriously damaging their career prospects , pension and potential earmings over a lifetime without legal or financial protection.

And the women who live in a house which their partner owns and pays the mortgage for while their salary goes on food , petrol and bill. Where they and their children have no security of tenure and he gets all the capital gain.

I care about the children whose mothers say " I'm sure we will be fine, I have a good man, he would never put us out the house " . And those who say " I know his parents / other relative will inherit this house but I'm sure they will look after us " .

I care about the many single parents who struggle financially while the father of their children is comfortable or even affluent. Who can't manage to fit a job around their families needs or afford decent childcare because the other parent has bailed on his responsibilities .

Well said Kristina

I agree. And well done Bob for not losing her temper. I would have gone loco being baited like that.

Very well said Kristina

The thing is, knowing her partner doesn't want to marry her is upsetting the OP. When you're with someone and they let you know they don't want to marry you then that can feel like a rejection. We're all different. Its not always cut & dried.

Ive been with my OH for years, he would like to marry I wasn't that fussed, but Im happy he asked me. He's my lover & friend Ive no point to prove to him or myself re NOT marrying him, I wouldn't even bring that discussion into our relationship. Being a Mrs wont make me feel as if Ive lost a part of myself. Life and togetherness isn't about that, for me. Generally I do think once a relationship gets serious its good to discuss each other's wants and needs and if that includes marriage and its not what you want then say so at the outset. Not after years have gone by and children have come along. Love and marriage are emotional..I wouldn't want to know that my partner DIDNT want to marry me and even if that were the case 'I don't know why' would be an unacceptable answer. Be straight, and say why. You then have some info to digest and can base decision on that. When someone doesn't want to marry you - they know why.

Thanks Drunken

"When someone doesn't want to marry you - they know why"

Exactly. And if they choose not to express that reason to you, it's not a good reason.

It's really hurtful to think somebody doesn't want the commitment of marriage but is quite happy to have children

I really, really don't understand this. Why is marriage is a commitment? Most of the people I know who are married, are on their second attempt! You can always lead your partner.

Leaving children is much rarer (thankfully) so to me, it is a much, much bigger commitment.

Well Shed in my case it was a bit of the not wanting my relationship validated by the state thing. And also because, even though me and DP were only 26 or so when we got together we'd both had a couple of live in relationships lasting a couple of years or more. We'd done the whole promises thing to other people, (and then broken them) and we both realised that things can change, simply because people change as they get older.
But we did plan to stay together, so we tried for a child first with the intention of getting married and making our big commitment if we were lucky enough to have a child. But to be honest, once DS came along there didn't seem much point. Having children together is far more of a commitment for us than just getting married would be. It's why we compromise and work things out, rather than just walk, as both of us have in the past.
And yeah, when all my friends were getting married, I sometimes fancied a celebration of our own. But now I'm middle aged and past it the thought leaves me cold; I'd hate to be outshone by my lovely teenage daughter bridesmaids.

Kristina perhaps women should stop routinely giving up work,security,to cohabitate or marry
The parental tasks need to be shared,a true partnership.as opposed to women's chores
I read here on mn men who can't purchase clothes,can't cook.infantalised by women

Wholeheartedly agree with previous poster who said should be taught in schools. It is fine to make an informed decision not to marry but sadly too many people believe in 'common law' wife status.

With the wills thing yes a boyfriend can make a will leaving you everything but then make a new will the next day leaving you with nothing without telling you a thing. He can't divorce you without your knowledge.

I vividly recall a middle aged lady coming in to a free legal surgery when I was a trainee solicitor. She had been married as a teen and separated but never divorced. Her husband had lived with a new partner for 20 odd years but no will. He died and she was the lucky beneficiary of everything including a death in service payment. Great for her but not the 'partner' I can remember the secretaries being shocked and young me thinking of course the wife inherits if he dies intestate.

I thought of mumsnet on a training course last year. Man killed at work - girlfriend with a young baby unable to bring a dependency claim under Fatal Accidents Act claim as she had not cohabited long enough. If married she could. No way to replicate that legal right.

Information is power.so yes. I'd agree know the impact of your decision.informed choice
I'd not want marriage pushed as the be all panacea for women.it isnt
If women want security I'd advise get a steady job,remain employable

Are you referencing Swift v Secretary of State for Justice 2012that a 2yr period of cohabitation must have passed,swift got reduced payout as they'd dated less than the 2yr period

Yes swift.

Essentially I think have the big conversation when it's apparent getting serious
If one partner is ambivalent,or doesn't want to marry it will be clear to both
Then both parties have the information,transparency to make choices upon

Dp asked me before I was ever pregnant or anything so he knew before we had ds and moved in together etc that it wasn't for me.

We had the big conversation at uni,work,career,nursery,school.we are compatible
genuinely dont understand why people dont.or why some women are pining waiting to be mrs
If marriage really is significant that should have been clear to all prior to getting serious

Don't do Fatal Accidents work but Swift case outcome was she didn't have a dependency claim as she was unmarried and cohabited less than 2 years. If she had had the 'bit of paper' (marriage certificate) financial outcome totally different and no need to take a case all the way to Court of Appeal.

No one is pretending cohabitating is equal to marriage.if you want protection of marriage get married
I'm uncomfortable suggesting greatest female protection is via marriage
Greatest protection is employability not dependence upon another adult

I thought I married for life. After ten years of marriage, my XH pretty much walked out without a second glance for someone he just met on a ski trip, leaving me with two young DCs.

I am smart (or so I thought!). Have two degrees, worked in a very promising media career until I took time out to have my two DCs and went PT in a less demanding job with a lot less promise. We agreed on all these decisions btw. Actually, XH would have liked me to give up my career as his was glittering and demanding. Luckily, I got bored and went back to work after a month at home.

So even though the marriage protected me to a certain extent (was able to negotiate a decent equity split and child maintenance), it still shocked me as to how 'heartless' XH could be, let's said what I got was wrangled over a few times and hardly left me in the lap of luxury. I sometimes wake up late at night worried that I will struggle for the rest of my life. While he is now shacked up with his new GF, who is single and in a well paid profession and hasn't really damaged his career/life that much.

I now tell every woman that even if they get married, never to give up their financial independence. I was lucky in some ways, I am still young (37), never stopped working and am now trying to step up on the career so I don't 'struggle' for the rest of my life. I hate to think what my position would have been if I never got married AND gave up work.

Good advice.i cringe when I read the mn only be a housewife if you're married