To be upset dp doesn't want to marry me

[bellabella10]

As background we've been together for 5 years and have an 18 month old together. When we first moved in together about a year into the relationship we would talk, possibly jokingly, about getting married and having kids at some point in the future. Our baby was a surprise although we love him so much.

Whenever i have brought up the subject in the past two years (not often) he just changes the topic. Last week i approached it head on (I want to change my name anyway so we all have the same surname old school) he said he doesn't want to get married and doesn't know why. I will change my name by deed poll i suppose but it still upsets me.

I didn't even want a big do (although i get a tiny bit jealous when i see my friends getting married) and would be happy going to the registry office with only a few close friends and family.I have a feeling is because he had family abroad but they do come over and we could have a small ceremony in both countries.

Women aren't compelled to give up work in favour if higher earner male partner
If he earns well he should proportionately pay more to childcare
If some women enact patriarchy and give things up,that's their look out. i hope they made informed choice

A friend of mine Ive known for years, was with her OP for 17 years. They've 3 children. Marriage is just a piece of paper to him, or so she told me. She always said she was happy with that as relationship meant more than marriage. He got married in November 2013 - but, not to her.

A marriage certificate wouldn't have stopped him leaving her, though.

Isn't this another MN thing though?
Does anyone actually care if couples are married or not?
Do any women living really think that every woman secretly wants to be married ?
I have friends who are unmarried because they don't want to be. Its not complicated is it?

But if one propose to someone who doesn't want to marry they'll get declined

Yes, but it does mean that he never was really committed to her right? He was prepared to commit to the woman he married. That is the difference.

I presume folks unmarried unless they explicitly state they are married

Don't see it means that at all.marriage doesn' necessarily equal commitment
It means he met new woman,upped and off.it happens
Being married wouldn't have prevented him leaving

No, he was prepared to marry the new woman. Seventeen years with someone suggests a fair amount of commitment to me. I mean, I don't know the bloke and all, but it's quite a long time to haver around in a non-committed sort of way. Maybe he did find someone he loved more. People do. Maybe he felt he had to make some sort of a stamp on the new relationship to differentiate it from his previous one - again, people do.

I've been reviled on MN for refusing to take up my partner's generous offers of a spot of matrimony, because clearly no sane woman would decline and still stay with the gent. We seem quite happy, really, and have spent rather longer together than either of us have managed with anyone else.

Pagwatch I agree its a MN thing

I was making the point that he didn't want to marry and said marriage was just a piece of paper, you can have a happy relationship without marriage. Which, I am sure you can. Just struck me it very obviously wasn't just another piece of paper to him. He just said it was.

If I was the rich one in the couple I wouldn't be bothered about getting married either. Makes no financial/commercial sense.

As it happens, I am the higher earner but I am willing to take a punt on it working out.

If you believe in divorce, marriage isn't such a big commitment. Legal contract which you can break at any time, with only the higher earner penalised.

But my point is that he may also have changed his mind about marriage.

I am just to relieved that DH and I didn't have this dilemma. He knew marriage was important to me, so he proposed, end of.
He did have 2 long term relationships before me (10years each), but didn't want to marry them and thought he'd never want to. Except when he met me! hihihihi.

It's mn thang obsession with marriage.in real life no one cares
I don't know marriage status of majority parents in the weans class

motherinferior and any others who are happily unwed can I just ask, if your OH said being married was really important to him and he wanted to do it, would you get married or would you let him leave to find someone who would marry him?

I ask because presumably you and your OH have agreed marriage is not for you both, but if NOT being married was hurting your OH in the way that it is the OP would you change your mind?

Not trying to start a fight, just genuinely curious.

That's true, Scottish..actually there are quite a few subjects on here I never hear discussed in real life. I know whether my close friends are married or not but I don't know about other people and wouldn't make it my business to know, or even think about it.

I think with my friend she wanted to marry, OH didn't and she went along with that as she wanted him. Perhaps the OW wanted marriage and made it clear to him she wasn't prepared to have an ongoing relationship which didn't involve marriage at some stage. Who knows..either way, sometimes people don't tell the truth regarding their reasons for not wanting to marry. & sometimes people put their heart desire aside to keep/please someone else..and that's not always a good thing

He does want to get married, in a sort of way. Proposed and everything. With a ring. (A nice ring, which I wear.)

But I would really, really resent being railroaded into getting married. I might do it, but I would resent him deeply for it.

'Let him leave'? You mean, would I dig my heels in? I might. And would he really walk out on a lovely domestic setup with a pretty nice relationship and two adorable daughters, just because he wanted someone who'd be prepared to have a specific legal contract with him? Well, frankly, I might think twice about hanging desperately onto a bloke prepared to be such a twit...

I would be furious at this sort of attitude from a man. If marriage isn't a big deal to either partner then fine. But it's a big deal to me and a big deal to quite a lot of people. It's really hurtful to think somebody doesn't want the commitment of marriage but is quite happy to have children. I don't think people realise the implications of not being married.

Shed your premise is all wrong.why would one want to marry someone who didn't want to marry them
People should have the big talk.marriage,weans,career.decide on comparability
I couldn't be with man who wanted me to be a housewife.he needs it support my career

I think where I struggle is that when you really love someone, and they love you back, what is the downside of getting married?

I get the downside of a wedding - we opted for a no guest registry office job ourselves, but marriage is binding yourself to your loved one and gives you all the best legal protections and tax exemptions on offer, so even on a non-romantic basis it's the best idea for two people in love who intend to stay together forever, so why not?

OP - are you planning to have more children with him? Please consider this carefully if he won't marry you.

As far as I can see its the lower earner (usually the woman), especially if they work part time / take a step down career wise to look after children who has the most to lose if not married - ie maintenance in a divorce situation. Especially relevant if more than one child.

Also a will is imperative if you have children and are not married. Inheritance tax is only relevant is net assets over the limit around £300k so might not apply.

But being a wife and a housewife is not the same thing at all scottishmummy, they can be the same thing granted, but getting married doesn't automatically make you a housewife - I've been married a decade and have never been a housewife!

As it seems as though he hasn't come up with an actual proper reason why he won't marry you, in your position OP I'd probably come to the conclusion that he must be keeping his options open and would be making decisions on that basis.

Some people have ideological or other genuine objections to marriage as a concept. But those people if they genuinely love their partner and are genuinely committed to them, would explain their position carefully and demonstrate their commitment by making sure they'd put in place as much protection as possible without marriage.

People who just avoid/delay without doing any of that are not against the institution of marriage, they are hedging their bets IMO.

ShedWood
As previously explained, marriage has a whole lot of "ownership" connotations for a lot of people. Some people simply resent having their relationships rubber stamped by the state. Some people may not want to make promises they won't necessarily be able to keep.
It's not really as simple as "I love you, let's get married".