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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset dp doesn't want to marry me

502 replies

bellabella10 · 18/02/2014 08:38

As background we've been together for 5 years and have an 18 month old together. When we first moved in together about a year into the relationship we would talk, possibly jokingly, about getting married and having kids at some point in the future. Our baby was a surprise although we love him so much.

Whenever i have brought up the subject in the past two years (not often) he just changes the topic. Last week i approached it head on (I want to change my name anyway so we all have the same surname old school) he said he doesn't want to get married and doesn't know why. I will change my name by deed poll i suppose but it still upsets me.

I didn't even want a big do (although i get a tiny bit jealous when i see my friends getting married) and would be happy going to the registry office with only a few close friends and family.I have a feeling is because he had family abroad but they do come over and we could have a small ceremony in both countries.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 18/02/2014 16:03

It is perfectly possible to have a child with someone, not be married and yet be sure that all the legal protections are in place should one of you die. I am not even having a couple-relationship with my DS' father, but he's made a will etc and has it all planned out (I have nothing to leave DS but debt).

Unfortunately, a lot of men won't marry their partners because a) the don't want to, simple as that. They regard the partner in question as 'will do for now' and prefer to feel that the door's always open should ANgelina Jolie turn up gagging for it. However, there's also b) which is that refusing to marry a woman who really wants to be married, gives a man a lot of power over her/ He can train her like a performing seal to react to marriage-related prompts any time he wants to get his own way, or punish her for something, and that's an advantage he doesn't want to give up.

IN the OP's case I think the key factor is the baby wasn't planned. This man's still intending to take off at some point, or at least to have the option to do so.

funnyossity · 18/02/2014 16:04

I still am a bit Hmm that OP's partner's surname is child's too and he wouldn't be happy changing it.

Boobz · 18/02/2014 16:04

Yes Hazelnet, THANK YOU!

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 18/02/2014 16:04

No - Scottish I might though, it's actually not that big a deal. It upsets me but not to the point I burst into tears every time he does it.

I posted here to empathise with the op - she may dislike some of the things I dislike about being unmarried. This is (I thought) what MN was for - to share experiences and unload.

motherinferior · 18/02/2014 16:04

A civil partnership doesn't carry all that shuddersome baggage. Which is precisely why some people do want that option with their same-sex partners and obviously I think that's fine.

Actually it's heterosexual marriage which is so shuddersomely baggage-ridden. I probably wouldn't feel as shuddersome about it with another woman. It's just got Form, het marriage, really, what with the fact it was still legal for a man to rape his wife back when I was a young warthog.

scottishmummy · 18/02/2014 16:07

Of course a woman doesn't need to be waiting to be asked,she can be empowered unmarried
No man holds marriage over a woman,unless she lets him hold marriage over her
Marriage is only desirable if one desires it.if other partner doesn't want to marry you've got to accept that's how it is

TwittyMcTwitterson · 18/02/2014 16:08

Oh, I genuinely thought you could sign whatever saying 'I came in with X and I'll leave with X'

On another topic, my surname is unusual. Only 8 ppl have it and that me, DM, DGran, DU his wife and two kids and DD is double barrelled. I didn't want to lose it and DP stated she's his daughter either way so didn't care.

scottishmummy · 18/02/2014 16:10

If the manner in which your partner introduces you nearly brings you to tears,tell him
I'd sort that out,as it clearly upsets you.a simple firm clear do not introduce me as girlfriend
You seem v hung up on the etiquette of post and how it's addressed?why

meditrina · 18/02/2014 16:12

OP: you say that DP's family are abroad. If you are not married to him, and you go to that country as an unmarried woman you might have no rights whatever to your child. It's tricky enough in some locations even if you are married, but considerably worse if not.

NOK in UK is usually pragmatic and accepting of unmarried but established partners. You cannot count on that overseas.

scottishmummy · 18/02/2014 16:13

Yes good point.different countries have own conventions

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 18/02/2014 16:14

Scottish - Please read properly:

It upsets me but not to the point I burst into tears every time he does it.

I am not 'hung up'. I would prefer to be married and have my (occasion type) post addressed 'Mr and Mrs Bob. I am not married so it's not addressed that way. I know this - I just shared what my preference would be because the thread is about the op wanting to be married. I want the same - so I empathise with her.

scottishmummy · 18/02/2014 16:16

Yes,I see that.misread that one post.but you're upset he calls you girlfriend
So advice remain same, polite firm tell him don't call me girlfriend

scottishmummy · 18/02/2014 16:20

And bob I correctly noted your preference for how post will be addressed will be unmet
I'd quite like to be addressed as Lady Scottishmummy.aint going to happen
You must also know you've got a postal address preference that won't be fulfilled,it's curious to have it as a preference knowing this?

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 18/02/2014 16:23

Oh Scottish - stop nit picking and back off. We're allowed to wish and have preferences - it's what some 'glass half full' people do.

scottishmummy · 18/02/2014 16:28

Bob,take that indignant rage,channel it to telling partner not to call you girlfriend
As you say it discussion ,I dont understand a preference for something you'll not attain
You'll not receive mr and m&s mail Surely that's just setting yourself up for disappointment

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 18/02/2014 16:35

God, you'll be telling me I can't hope to lose a stone in my sleep / win the lottery / find a tenner in my old coat pocket next...

scottishmummy · 18/02/2014 16:36

No bob,I read your posts and take it from there.

theshrewdavenger · 18/02/2014 16:36

Some men don't want to get married and some men would rather not get married. My DH was the latter - he hated the idea but ultimately realised that from my point of view it was necessary, for my legal protection (the romantic old fool Grin) and that it would be unfair to deprive me of equality in the partnership. He earns a lot of money but my mothering plus my paltry freelancing income are just as valuable. So yes, if we split I will be entitled to my half of the assets as they stand.

It's all very well saying you shouldn't have had a child with him if he didn't want to get married and you did. I was nearly 40 when we met and so my priority at 41 was a baby with him, then his family circumstances changed and we got a second, older child the same year. At that point I did say, hang on, this will need marriage, but I couldn't put our lives on hold until it happened, and so it was several years later that we finally got married. And even then I had to push the issue. Nevermind, we stand together as equals not one with all the power and the other hopping from foot to foot fearing destitution if things don't work out.

creamteas · 18/02/2014 16:56

Some men don't want to get married and some men would rather not get married

I'm actually Shock that those pro-marriage still don't seem to think that many women also would rather not get married....

RafflesWay · 18/02/2014 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 18/02/2014 17:32

Some of you are of another era that you find it hard to conceive women don't want to marry
I quite simply never wanted to be married.ever

noddyholder · 18/02/2014 17:43

Scottish I am the same Never. That didn't mean I didn't want a relationship and I am in a great one. Nor does it mean I don't want children. I have both but just don't recognise this fear and need to get this protection in place. I was ready for having a child in every way and could still have supported him and my life alone but my preference was to be with his father and live traditionally as a family. I didn't enter into it though wondering what would happen if dp and I split because I knew

JoinYourPlayfellows · 18/02/2014 17:45

I'm also a Ms.

And I'm married.

To my mind the historical problems with marriage are by far outweighed by the fact that in the present marriage serves to protect women's interests.

It's not longer legal to rape your wife and women are allowed (as of fairly recently) to have jobs and their own bank accounts.

But men still own most of the money and property and earn the highest salaries and women are still by far the most likely to give up or reduce their work when they have children.

Therefore, as a feminist, I am in favour of marriage and suspicious of men who refuse to marry women they want to bear their children.

Women who don't want to marry is a different matter.

itsbetterthanabox · 18/02/2014 17:46

Why do you want to get married? If your serious then propose!
Please don't change your name by deed pole.

scottishmummy · 18/02/2014 17:47

Also,please don't project or assume women secretly want to marry
Men don't necessarily have power over women regards marriage.only if they're given it
As I've said I correct assumptions written or verbal that I'm married