PIL Issue. Need some perspective.

[NameChangedForPILissue]

NC'd for obvious reasons.

PIL are very well off. Rich enough that MIL doesn't and has never worked. FIL earns a huge amount, and is unbelievably tight with it too (refuses to update 25 year old kitchen, 30 year old bathroom, won't buy MIL a new car even though hers is verging on dangerous, won't spend more than £10 per GC at christmas etc).

They are set to become millionaires with some inheritance that is probably due to come in the next year or two. For now they live on their £200k+ a year income with very little expenditure.

For the past 8 years, they have given us money every month to help with our living expenses. It began when DH was at university, before we met, and was the standard parents helping out a child at uni situation. DH always worked PT to top this up.

After leaving uni, DH wasn't able to get a job in his field and so has subsequently had to retrain, and is halfway through that process. This means he is earning low for now as he is studying whilst working so is essentially unskilled. In around 2 years, we hope he will be on a good salary. I am also on a relatively low wage.

We've been married since 2010, and since then they've given us £500 a month to help us out. Obviously, this is very generous and e appreciate this. SIL has had the same.

SIL no longer needs this, as her and her husband have now got high flying careers (lawyer and pilot) and no children, and do FIL has decided to stop all our payments.

We've just moved into a new home, and have a baby due in a few weeks. The timing could not be worse.

DH is so furious he wants to tell him we are cutting him out and never seeing him again. I don't know what to do - is he being selfish and awful? Or is it his money and we should be grateful for what we've had up until now?

We live in a flat. We need the car for me to work, so can't give that up sadly. We only have one already.

PIL won't consider a loan, sadly.

Our lifestyle is far from gold plated. Seriously, that is laughable.

I've been here 10 years so you knew what you were in for! I have been here three and would have never posted a problem like this on here. Unless I wanted to entertain..and give them mad dogs something to tear their teeth into....

People don't believe you because you are staggeringly entitled and spoilt, I would imagine.

Did you miss my questions? I wondered why you ever thought it was appropriate to take this money from your PIL.

I wondered why your dh is working one PT job and not giving a shiny shit that you're working three.

I wondered how you were earning under minimum wage in two full time jobs.

It is entirely appropriate for a school going child to share with a baby if his parents can't afford to live somewhere bigger.

That's life.

Well, to me it does sound unfair if this money is being stopped without warning and because SIL and her DH are now sorted for money. Especially if you have relied on the money to budget.

On the other hand, you have had 8 years of the kind of help most people can only dream about. I would suggest that if things are very tough financially your DH talks to his dad about extending the help slightly or at least waiting a few months to cut it to give you some time to organise finances.

You say your PIL have been giving you money for the last 8 years but then said since 2010 you have been given £500 a month. How much were they giving you the previous 4 years to that?

They supported DH through Uni for the 4 years before that. Same amount IIRC. I wasn't in the picture then.

Val we just signed a lease, so can't move for 18 months anyway.

Why won't they consider a loan when they have be paying so much out each month?? When did you ask them about a loan? That's a very instant reaction to what would be an equitable solution for you and your inlaws

That's a bugger - are you sure there's no get out clause? I know mine is 6 months then 2 months notice either side

People don't believe you because you are staggeringly entitled and spoilt, I would imagine. Thanks, I respectfully disagree.

Did you miss my questions? I wondered why you ever thought it was appropriate to take this money from your PIL. Um, because they offered, and we needed the help.

I wondered why your dh is working one PT job and not giving a shiny shit that you're working three. DH works FULL time. And studies and does 90% of the housework and all the weekend childcare. We used to do 2 jobs each, then we 'swapped' the weekend shift work so he could study more and so I now do those shifts.

I wondered how you were earning under minimum wage in two full time jobs. I don't. I earn MN.

It is entirely appropriate for a school going child to share with a baby if his parents can't afford to live somewhere bigger. I entirely disagree. Putting a little sleepless baby in with a child who has to go to school all day? Not appropriate.

No, sadly we checked, if we leave before the 18 months then we are liable for the full rent for the remainder.

NameChanged, why did you mention having a mortgage at least twice, and say your house wasn't worth £300k?

detective - We don't know. He's just said no, that's it. He's stubborn and has just decided.

He also said he would give us all (DH, me, SIL and BIL) money for christmas instead of gifts, and then in January changed his mind and gave us nothing. He can be really odd about money generally.

That's a fucker of a contract! Would you consider seeing if a CAB appt/someone more knowledgable can help you get out of it?

Not 'appropriate' to share with a baby?! Keep the baby in your room then! I had my youngest in with ME until he was 2.5yo - you do what you have to do WITH THE INCOME THAT YOU HAVE.

I had a 15yo DD in a box room, and an 11yo and a 9yo sharing a bedroom.

I decided that no, it wasn't appropriate to make them share with a baby I had decided to have...so the baby shared with me until he was coming up for 3yo!!

FFS!

OP, if it's not trolling, then you need to realise that you've had it bloody good for year on end, now you need to cut your cloth according to your CURRENT means.

He IS a cocklodger. (I spelt that wrong and it autocorrected, have I been on MN too long?!)

He needs to get a night job and / or a weekend job before you need to go on Mat Leave. It's his turn to be working all the hours round the clock, plus fitting in Uni if he can manage it.

His Uni NEEDS to come second to providing for his own family.

I'd see him as far less of a cocklodger if he got off his arse and made the effort to take over working a FT night job to give you some fucking REST. If you finish at 1am and start your other job at 9am, then you are having the barest LEGAL MINIMUM break between shifts. 8 hrs between shifts will be unsustainable as your pregnancy progresses.

Have you had risk assessments done in ALL your workplaces that cover the amount of hours you are working, in conjunction with your pregnancy?!

You keep the sleepless baby with you until he/she is old enough and more settled.

Really, you're just clutching at straws here.

Did you want everyone to tell you how horrible your FIL was for wanting to stop bankrolling his man-child of a son?

You needed £500 a month right from the start of your relationship?

So neither of you has ever been able to be self-reliant?

Someone asked how much our house was worth. It isn't worth £300k. Nowhere near.

Again, I apologise for saying 'mortgage', it is just a turn of phrase that we use and I accept it is misleading - we should just say rent!

Baby will have to go in your room in a cot until s/he is old enough to share with your other dc. You can't afford three bedrooms. Was this not a consideration before deciding to have another child?

Are you allowed to take in a lodger/sublet a room to a friend? The baby will presumably be in with you initially, and siblings sharing might not be ideal but lots of people do it. I think you can rent out rooms tax free as well. Also, you say you need a car but you live in a city - have you checked out public transport including night buses? Could work out cheaper, although I know routes don't always suit.

Just so you know where I'm coming from, we live in a city flat with 2 bedrooms; we have two children and no car. It isn't ideal, and we'd like to move, but we make it work the best we can.

He said he'd give us money for Christmas but then gave us nothing

Oh OP - you aren't doing yourself any favours......

FWIW I absolutely think your DH is predominantly the one in the wrong here.

I can't imagine what made you want to spend your life with and have dependent chilren with someone who can't look after himself though!

I don't see how being at school means your ds cannot share a room. You just don't want a smaller place. I'm not getting into into a competitive argument but we lives in a tiny 2 bed terrace in an expensive city because it's what we could afford and when my marriage broke down I had to make the decision to relocate to a much cheaper area to be able to survive. I don't need a medal for it but it's what I had to do.
You, whether you care to admit it or not have built a lifestyle on money that was gifted to you from pil. I'm sure it is a shock but you need to stop being pissed off and start being grateful that you had help for so long.
There are things you could change like the rental.property but you are choosing not to. So I'm sorry but you can't be annoyed that this extra has now been cut off. You were getting 6k a year free money and ow you're not. It's up to you mow to cut your cloth I'm afraid.

Referring to the value of the house now is irrelevant as we have established that you are renting and not paying a mortgage. Frankly, the value of the house is now pointless, what you need to be looking at is cheaper rental.

He also said he would give us all (DH, me, SIL and BIL) money for christmas instead of gifts, and then in January changed his mind and gave us nothing. He can be really odd about money generally

In the long run he has done you a favour and I strongly suspect he is pissed off about something.

Maybe because SIL is now sorted he is wondering why his son isnt. Father usually place higher expectations on their sons esp if they are high achievers themselves, also daughters are usually the father favourites and sons can get pushed out or side lined if their mother doesn't defend them to the father....

Maybe he is genuinely worried about you and thinks this is a strategy to help you move forward....albeit a strange one!

Maybe they are really irked you have fallen pregnant..accidents happen we all know but maybe its upset them....

I'm ignoring the insults about DH as he works really bloody hard, and only up until recently he was doing 2 jobs but stopped one as he wasn't finding time to study. He failed an exam which set us back a few months because of it. Hence he doesn't have a night job, as he studies then.

Yes, he could quit his studies for a second job, but that's not a long term plan. The long term plan is for him to become qualified. That's what we are working towards. In 2 years, we will be stable independently.

He has made every sacrifice for our family, he is the polar opposite of lazy.

Ok first is your DH actually upset at the way it's been done, rather than the money? I can understand if the monthly gift just stopped you'd be worried you'd done something wrong. So open up the dialogue with PIL, and don't get all shouty with them. Your FIL may talk about money all the time, but maybe its a cover up. I can't help feeling if payments have suddenly stopped he may have had some crappy investment advice. Or maybe your MIL really has had enough of living in a falling down mansion. Large houses (if they live in one) cost loads a money (not that I have first hand experience, just very sad an like watching restoration programmes...yeh I know I need to get out more). Next why don't you move? If your jobs are so low paid you must be able to find something cheaper? Closer to your employment? Presumably the house you are currently in must be worth a fair amount which would probably allow you to buy something far cheaper or rent.
But I think calling your FIL mean is really harsh, it's not mean to be giving you grown up children the combined income of £1000 a month. Talk to your PIL.